DFO Crime Beat!: It’s Always Stompy In Philadelphia

Welcome to the emotionally-barren frigid wasteland that is the NFL Off-Season. While we will try to fill the void with obsessive draft coverage (“He’s got tight hips! He’ll never make it as a cornerback!”), dick jokes, methadone sports (hockey, AFL, based-ball) and intoxicants, we can’t ignore the other hallowed off-season tradition: players and coaches getting their asses in trouble.

  1. Shady’s Boys Tune Up Off-Duty Philly Cops; “They Were Resisting Arrest!” Claims Assailant

CHARGE: Aggravated Battery; Failure to Control A Posse; Dissing the City of Buffalo by Hanging in Philly

So this may be the first “significant” arrest of the off-season, though only because Johnny Beatdown’s family still has enough juice in Dallas-Fort Worth to keep the police on a leash. LOVE THAT OIL MONEY!

If you hadn’t heard, LeSean McCoy was allegedly involved in an altercation Monday night at a club in Philadelphia. Accounts differ, but the most consistent story is that two (or three) off-duty Philadelphia police officers entered the club and ordered four bottles of champagne.

Because why wouldn’t you order more bottles than you have people?

Anyway, one of McCoy’s group (apparently teammates from his Pitt days) thought one of the cops was stealing one of their bottles– seriously, do they not have one of these?— and mayhem ensued. At least two of the cops ended up in the hospital. The video does not show the beginning of the fight, but it sure as hell looks ugly. The investigators want all four of the accused hung from the arms of the stupidass Rocky statue. The charging authorities have yet to decide whether to issue arrest warrants, because on the one hand they are young black men beating the shit out of cops, but on the other hand the cops were black too.

In either case I’m gonna go ahead and move Karlos Williams up my fantasy draft board, because nothing draws a suspension faster than a video that Goodell can’t stomp on or deny seeing. Why couldn’t you stick to something respectable like publicly-advertised sex parties, Shady?

2. Andy Dalton Lost Something Besides A Playoff Game

CHARGE: Littering, Operating A Motor Vehicle Without A Soul

Andy Dalton allegedly lost two suitcases out of the back of his truck while on the way to Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. Contrary to all expectations, this was NOT the plot complication for a 80/90s sitcom wherein the blowhard husband/father brushes off any suggestion that he needs to tie down the luggage for the family’s Big Vacation.

Dalton took to Twitter to beg random strangers to do exactly what the TSA Overlord Lady has been cautioning us against for years: pick up unattended bags which you did not pack yourself. Against all common sense, some dude named Robert apparently did just that and returned both bags.

No word what was in the suitcases, although a bystander reported that a warming golden glow emanated from one case when it was opened.

3. Calvin Johnson Steals Final Glimmer of Pride From Lions Fans

CHARGE: Theft; Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

So Calvin Johnson is allegedly retiring at the age of 30. Many are pointing out the parallels between Johnson’s decision to walk away from the Lions with Barry Sanders’ exit at the same age and stage of his career. Detroit fans are taking this as confirmation that it is their lot in life to suffer and that only the sweet embrace of death can release them from their torment.

In reality, it is more an issue of star players finally internalizing the fact that the NFL really is a business. Once, that sentiment meant “screw loyalty, I’m going where I’m going to get paid.” Now it means “I am playing football because I want to make enough money to last me the rest of my life” and once you do that, you can walk away with body and brain still intact enough to enjoy it. Megatron and fellow maybe-retiree Marshawn Lynch join Patrick Willis as All-Pro Top-15 picks from the 2007 Draft who walked away with more games left to play at a high level. Still, Detroit Schadenfreude has a unique and not altogether unpleasant bouquet (think Islay scotch, but with less peat and more tire-fire) so we’ll let them cry it out.

Word out of Detroit is that sporting goods stores are stocking up on Ziggy Ansah jerseys, because Nike refuses to make officially-licensed “Fat Elvis” products.

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
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BeerguyrobThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemjjfozzMarc Trestmans Windowless VanKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have been posting on here every time I get a break, but have also been doing stuff around the house, you know, productive stuff. I might have screwed up today. I drank 3 shots on my breaks and I am shitfaced. I need to soder a lamp piece (the top that connects to metal bit to the lampshade) and fix another standing lamps base and fix a day bed that got broke because it was used as an everyday bed for 15 years and has been broke a couple times. I don’t know if I am up for it. I should probably eat, it is 3:30 and I ate nothing today

jjfozz

THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!

Slaps MTWV on the ass. HARD

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I lied and continued looking. Found this instead. I’ll be in my bunk. NSFW

h
ttp://i.imgur.com/TPEaSUM.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

One more Sunny gif

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was gonna link the Morena Baccerin version after I said one more but couldn’t find her Carmen from the unaired pilot. I mean I was super lazy about but 90% of the people on my search weren’t even her

theeWeeBabySeamus

In the days before she grew the wee wee…but had the hots for David Spade.
Net loss I think.
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In real life, no penis. But yes identical twin.
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Which seems like a net win to me.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

More Frank

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Since we have an It’s Always Sunny themed post you get some Frank. I would have gone last night’s ep but can’t find gifs

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

BMO Harris is the worst fucking bank. They bought out a bank I loved (M&I) that treated me great, only problems since I switched over. I just tried to pay a credit card bill and I have no idea if it went through

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

I feel the same way about Chase (absorbed Washington Mutual after it was hastily, some say illegally, shuttered under Bush’s watch, which had absorbed my personal bank, American Savings) and U.S. Bank (absorbed SoCal Bank, which had absorbed National Bank of Whittier, used by my family since the 50’s). Hate, hate, hate. I’m forced to use both (for now, not much longer if I can help it.)

King Hippo

State Employees Credit Union, bitches!!!

/thanks for being a public school teacher, mom
//thanks also to Dad for being in the Air Force and getting me into teh USAA

blaxabbath

I don’t blame Megatron one bit — and I mean that as a person, not a fan. He’s excelled in a fairly high risk career (one where your odds of significant injury grow as you age/slow down/lose confidence) and made out like a fucking bandit. I’d quit simply on the fact that, “yeah, I could play four more years, but then that’s 68 cumulative weeks of NOT enjoying the money I already HAVE before I die.”

To which Peter King remarks that you need to keep black players hungry so they should make $32k/year.

entropy

I think PK would like an NCAA style NFL, where profiting on your ability is illegal although your team can profit away, but somehow only the players he deems worthy can make money.

blaxabbath

“Best thing about NCAA football players? They’re staying in shape for the MLB draft.”

-MMQB

entropy

I should probably go read the NFL mouthpiece for all the latest MLB Hot Stove news.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Reposted here because it’s certainly the narrative of a crime against fans:

YEEHAW I AM FUCKIN’ THE NFL LIKE A HUNDRED BAHT BAR GIRL IN PHUKET

“Going into the meeting, most believed Carson had more votes. But one moment, many would later recall, seemed to halt its momentum. Michael Bidwill, president of the Cardinals and a Carson supporter, argued that the NFL doesn’t exist just to make rich owners richer. Owners needed to consider what would be best for the league, and …

Jones cut him off: ‘When you guys moved the team from St. Louis to Phoenix — it wasn’t about the money?’

As Bidwill tried to answer, Jones moved in for the kill: ‘You did it for the money.’”

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Go read the rest. It’s as nauseating as it is fascinating.

http://espn.go.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/14752649/the-real-story-nfl-owners-battle-bring-football-back-los-angeles

entropy

Jerry comes off pretty bad in that article (as though there were a world I could imagine in which he’d be the good guy), but man, Kroenke is just a Rhode Island-sized lump of shit.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I’ve had to completely disown Arsenal because he owns the club.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’ve gotta hand it to the Ol’ Double J though, he really did piss off and fuck over Dean quite handily.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

As a Raiders fan, I have to support Jerry, since he’s the megalomanical fart-in-the-car that Al Davis used to be towards the rest of the owners, only with less football knowledge. God bless that devil. When he’s dead, who will we have? Jimmy Haslem?

entropy

I believe this should really be the totality of our off-season plan:

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SonOfSpam

My favorite part of the cartoon is the “IMBIBE” action word drawing. Sort of like a snooty Batman show fight. POW KERBLAM IMBIBE THONK

entropy

To be fair, he has to get around to words like “imbibe,” because M&C do nothing BUT drink and fight. Their comic on Rodney King and police in general was really quite funny, but I can’t seem to find it online.

This comic was not for everyone, but if you were the target demo, by god you love it.

jjfozz

I had a Milk and Cheese Zippo lighter, and whenever I took it out with me to bars, mayhem would ensue. Buddy of mine had Evan Dorkin draw a picture of this duo flipping me off and saying, “Hey paisan!”

entropy

I love every part of that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy shit Milk and Cheese! I haven’t thought about those guys in years.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Are you worried people won’t come to the site in the offseason and you will lose your jobs? The last 3 articles are about that. I will be here until I get kicked out of this establishment

jjfozz

I’m with you – what the fuck else is there to do?

It’s not like spending time with my family is going to improve anyone’s current situation.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I think it’s more the fact that the one-year anniversary is coming up and it happens to coincide with the end of the first season.

Beerguyrob

I need this site when I’m bored at work. It helps keep me organized, and brings purpose to my internet use.

SonOfSpam

“The charging authorities have yet to decide whether to issue arrest warrants, because on the one hand they are young black men beating the shit out of cops, but on the other hand the cops were black too.”

First off, I love this. But then a question: How do black cops feel about Beyonce, since she clearly wants all black people to murder all cops?

entropy

You left out one important bit: it was Philly black cops, who clearly have a love for violence against ordinary black citizens (or, really, any citizens. I have not had good dealings with Philly cops). While we’re getting further and further away from it, it’s not like it was the military that bombed the MOVE homes.

SonOfSpam

Guh. Never been to Philly, but it seems like a non-Bucket List destination.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Not only have I never had any problems with any cops anywhere (apart from the fare blackshirts on the water taxis in Venice), I have had a couple incidents that I am certain would have resulted in worse civil and/or criminal outcomes if I didn’t look exactly like a cop.

Even White Privilege can’t hold a candle to Cop Privilege!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

If you are White, able to grow hair on your upper lip and have access to a barber, you too can look like a cop!

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The bald dome seals the deal.

entropy

I was told by a detective once that I get watched anywhere I go simply because I’m bigger than most people. He says they think I’m automatically a threat.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The MOVE thing happened like two days after we moved from connurban Appalachia to the Philly burbs.

I went from the news being about JMU athletics to HOLY FUCK THEY JUST BOMBED A HOUSE

Pretty serious jolt.

entropy

Yeah, and you have to love the “they were entry charges” excuse, as though the SWAT guys were gonna enter through the goddamn roof, and the firefighters standing around as 65 fuckin houses burned down.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Aerial view of the destruction:

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jjfozz

JMU alum here – broke down once in Winchester driving a 78 BWM on a cold, rainy Saturday afternoon. Visions of Ned Beatty in Deliverance danced in my head, but actually the guy who fixed my car gave me beer and let me smoke cigarettes while he worked on my car.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

No shit!

We used to have swim meets at Godwin Hall all the time.

jjfozz

1986-90, best four years of my life. Walked across mostly frozen Newman Lake in January wearing shorts, t shirt, and old flip flops after getting black out drunk at a fraternity. I was super smart back then.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holy shite. You mighta crossed paths with my childhood best friend, also a B’more area native.

You know, bcuz white people from B’more all know each other….right?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I was gone by then.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was talking ’bout Fozz. Would crossed over by two years. My friend woulda been ’84-’88.

jjfozz

Yup, you never know. Name? Rank? Serial #?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

We also used to have swim meets in Winchester every Super Bowl weekend.

Plus Winchester is where Joe Bageant was from.

It isn’t all bad.

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jjfozz

Also found in Dalton’s suitcases, new uniform additions for Burfict and Pacman to wear next season

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