Narrator: Chief Long Suffering
For thousands of years my people have dwelled on this land. It is a powerful land. It is full of the spirits that have been a part of our lives since the beginning. It can at times be joyful and life sustaining and it can also be cold, harsh and unforgiving. There are even times when the land can be almost uninhabitable. We’ve had years and even decades of barrenness and famine. The land is not for the weak-hearted. My people have never been accused of being soft. I can’t always say the same thing about our football team.
Many years ago this land and our team was strong. During the Purple People Eaters era we were feared, admired and respected. None of our foes wanted to travel here during Winter and play our team. We were formidable. Alas, despite 4 appearances we have no trophy to show for it. During this era our land prospered. The ground was lush and green and buffalo roamed freely.
Our people grew up healthy and happy. The buffalo were so plentiful you could feel the vibrations of the thundering herds through the Earth from many miles away.
We have not always wanted to share our riches or our land with outsiders. Many times we fought off the invaders with great ferocity and brutal methods. We fought to restore our lives and our lands. All invaders where shunned and met with an iron fist, until the Wah-see’-chon-wee-ahn or blonde haired ladies from Scandinavia arrived, these were spared because holy shit these women were hot!
As with life, nothing good can ever stay. A harsh winter began and it lasted for many years. My people called it Ohs’-nee, or very cold. We froze in our Tee-pees and the land grew barren. Many young lives came and went without knowing the good times, without knowing success, we called these times Oh-see’-chee or very bad. We had some years when the frost appeared to weaken and we were given in to hope. Our hope was fleeting and it was a false hope. We suffered greatly and produced a poor list of quarterback saviors during these times. Names like Tommy Kramer, Steve Dils, Wade Wilson, Rich Gannon, recycled Jim McMahon, and Warren Moon did not lead us to the promised land. They did not strike fear in the hearts of our enemies.
During the winter of 1998 there was a thaw that brought a warmth unfelt for many years. It was true, many of us knew in our hearts that the great winter was over. We had the strongest crops in a generation, hope appeared everywhere. Our hearts lifted in song and spirit. We were certain we had reached the end of our trials. Then as we were ready to start our harvest and as we were preparing for a mighty feast and celebration we were cut short by this Shoon-sho’-lah-ee-kee”-pu-son-su’-su-e-a-ah’-su or jackass.
What an asshole.
The land again became harsh, the winds blew cold and my people suffered again.
During years of hardship the weaker people can be led to temptation, to desperation. On our lands the spirits are always strong, both the good and the bad. Our darker spirits use desperation and hardship as opportunity. Many of us will not give in to the evil forces that surround us. But harsh times and long hardship can weaken resolve even in the hearts of the leadership.
Dark forces were summoned and our leaders did the unspeakable and gave into the evil forces.
Many of our tribe knew this to be wrong. Knew this amounted to the selling of our souls and knew that we would be shunned in the afterlife. I knew that I could not support such a choice. But the winter began to thaw and the crops began to come back, full and lush. The berries and grains had a sulphurous taste and were not life sustaining but our leaders said “They sure do look good on the vine, don’t they?” Many of us who did not support this idea began to distrust the leadership. We despised the false demon and called him names behind his back. Names like Wahn-hee’pay chech or “Hung like prairie dog”.
We also called him Hoh’-tah Pay’-hee Wee’-ahn or “Old Grey Haired Bitch”. We knew we could celebrate no deliverance with the evil one in charge. Our suspicions proved correct and the winter returned with a harshness and a vengeance never experienced by my tribe. The team lost in a most brutal and heart breaking way.
The land grew barren again.
Recently my people claim to have seen new growth in the forest. They claim to feel warmer.
/Slight rumble in the distance.
You see, we have had strong drafts recently. Tribal members like Everson Griffin, Anthony Barr, Xavier Rhodes, Kyle Rudolph, Harrison Smith, Matt Kalil (tribal jury still out on that one), Jarius Wright, Sharrif Floyd and others have brought smiles to our faces and hope to our hearts. The tribe may be correct and it hasn’t felt as cold.
//rumble increases
It’s funny but I almost felt a rumble in the Earth that I haven’t felt since the olden days. Some of our children claim to have seen buffalo returning to our lands but I could be getting confused with nostalgia.
Then last year we brought in a new member who many claim will be a great leader to our people for many years to come. He has a powerful tribal name of Teddy Bridgewater and has shown strength in both decision and accuracy and could be our leader of the future. Many of our bitter old tribal members who supported “He who shall not be named” are skeptical. They say our new leader may not have enough Woblublu or “grit”. I think they are stuck in the past and need to stop being so goddamn racist.
///rumble gets noticeably louder.
I am certain I heard something this time. Could it be true? Could our herds be returning? Will the Winter finally thaw?
Just this year our tribe grew again with the draft picks of Trae Waynes to man the CB position, Eric Kendricks to man the long abandoned “Mike” position, a possible steal in the 3rd round with Danielle Hunter at DE, and a possible road grader of an OT with T.J Clemmings. Our receiver depth has increased with Mike Wallace coming on board and we may have the fastest tribe of WRs in the game. The defense should be fierce and the sacks plentiful.
Our tribal leaders are feeling such optimism they have decided to build a new Wokheya or tribal lodge.
Their optimism must be very high.
I like many of the pieces on this team and could have very high optimism if we could only add one more truly frightening and unstoppable force to the offense.
////rumble is as loud as a freight train
Could it be? It feels like it’s right behind me.
/turns around
/is absolutely trucked by AD and sent flying.
This shit is going to be fun. 10-6 and just miss the playoffs on a last second agonizing loss on the last game of the year.
Authors notes: The language used in the post are actual words from the Lakota Peoples language and is the indigenous peoples language of the region.
My paternal great grandmother was full blood Cherokee and my maternal grandfather was Choctaw so don’t be calling me racist, dammit.
The kachina pictured is called “Priest Killer” and was a spirit that was summoned when the missionaries tried to convert some of the tribes to Catholicism. Do I own one of these beauties?
Oh heck yah!
Ooooh ya you betchya!
This is excellent. Could use a little more inexplicable, heartbreaking loss as the result of cartoonish buffoonery, but otherwise full marks.
The land grew barren again.
No fear…I know a Land Baron that can fix that with or (preferrably) without his Wranglers.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/58834d1d704ba44c11a2f1cd9390d304/tumblr_n5bea1nj8J1qcu8mto1_250.gif
DAMN good preview. AND HOT!
In the morning Lynn deeply regretted her Tuesday night drinking and the whole thorn incident.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/8e397e3a4d71b586f022d25358054b48/tumblr_ndi4gmegx51se7qtio1_1280.jpg
Sorry; couldn’t wait for the Lions preview.
I understand.
FUCK YEAH…………….. right.
No, not fuck yeah right, Fuck YEAH, right?
http://38.media.tumblr.com/4a4f9f58a00d84a93ea16db38478986c/tumblr_inline_noqyexsyRT1tq5e6u_500.gif
Teddy Bridgewater gets punched in the face by undrafted free agent in 3…2…
http://40.media.tumblr.com/5327b20dbbc469e2642786ceea02acba/tumblr_nmii39zB5u1rbhti3o1_500.png
Wonderful
These just keep getting better. This was outstanding. I mean, it’s no Johnny Sugar previewing the Patriots but that’s a pretty high bar.
/Seriously, outfuckingstanding.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/4488ca555624ca44d70459a251cc51e8/tumblr_mu8xzeZY9x1qbrtsbo1_1280.jpg
How many priests have you killed, anyway? This will become the official DFO method of dick-measuring.
I’m at 6. Wait, “killed”?
Never mind.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/aac4e866f17dd80861a3f183428e7cbd/tumblr_inline_nn8rz3NXSi1qjbevo_500.gif
SERIAL KILLER
Does Priest Holmes count? I drafted him the year his neck kerploded, so my fantasy luck killed him.
Holeee shit. You knocked this one out of the park. Best one yet. That’s some good writin’.
So I see that DTZM added a “Nudity and Gore will be deleted from the comments” warning.
/puts battery on shoulder
I DARE you.
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01515/alGore_1515233c.jpg
Wellllll… the fisting gifs kind of gave me pause. Not that you guys have ever looked at anything like that, but we have enemies now.
That’s not gore – it’s love
It’s the nudest of nudity – the INSIDES OF PEOPLE
I’m no shrinking violet but those gifs man, those are awful.
I had to squint to finish.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/6171b4e3874d45a718ca54ed1725b2ed/tumblr_ni2tghHEO11tv7yt8o1_400.gif
But I thought…
http://i.imgur.com/JEZD5bT.png
Gary Anderson missed exactly one field goal that entire season. #pickanewscapegoat #idontknowhowhashtagswork
#PickedABadTimeForThatMissThoYouMustAdmit
But what of the Lollipop Guild avatar?
UR NOAT RACIST UR SIZEIST SMGDMFH
Stupid sexy Chris Kluwe
Ok, am I the only one that spent 20 minutes reading this post sounding everything out like a god damn moron?
I think my girlfriend thinks I had a stroke from the other room…
She shouldn’t be that surprised if you are on the computer rubbin’ one out.
Oh, you meant….
True. Guess it’s just the too much hype bothering me. But also, I suck at FF, so who knows?
Also, was supposed to be a reply :/
Maybe it’s just the skeptic in me, but I think everyone’s overselling AD as a #1 fantasy pick. How can anyone take a season off and then be the best back in the league?
Dude the guy came back 8 months after tearing his ACL and MCL, and almost broke Dickerson’s record. It’s not unthinkable.
Different from bustin’ balls.
*someone else’s.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/6351250f3e1427c53142a4bbb7531791/tumblr_n09d1u30Wd1qbhhv4o3_500.gif
Just when you think All Day is done for he goes and switches it up on you.
/Sorry not sorry.
Wide left or wide right? Which way will Walsh wish to watch his wallop wobble?
http://o.aolcdn.com/hss/storage/midas/af8e8788c62b8109383ac1f32be203a8/202445612/shia.gif
Nicely done! The funny parts had me in stitches (just like Peterson’s kids).
Stitches get Switches
This is just god-dammed spectacular!
Great job!
Thanks! To be honest, I put a disturbing amount of research into the various People’s Nations of the upper Midwest for this. It’s equal parts responsibility and a healthy dose of a burden to be accurate. I had fun putting it together.
Those who have known me for years on the mother blog know that I never bought into the “He Who Shall Not Be Named” years and I spewed my share of vitriol his way at the time.
Most of it in English though.
Finding out it was legit Lakota was pretty cool. And then, of course, I cranked the Zeppelin.
Wilf talking to Viking fans.
“You have to understand that as far as i’m concerned, you’re all pieces of shit, Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, let me grab my whiteboard, this has been a long time coming.’
These prewiews keep getting better and better.
Don’t worry, my Atlanta preview will bring things back down to earth.
Expect a pile of failure from mine. Luckily I expect that there will be plenty of Jets posts to wash mine out, I hope!
“Seriously though- how many bulldozers did Wylf give you?”
-D. Snyder
Wonderfully done! To steal a quote from Big Daddy Drew… *ahem*
FUCK YOU WE’RE WINNING THE DIVISION!