WCS, Sill, and I (Balls) decided to collaborate on this preview to save all of you non-Steeler fans the agony and depression of going through three separate previews talking about the team that everyone would hate if the Patriots didn’t exist.  For your amusement, here are our thoughts:

SILL

There are three players who will determine the fate of da Stillers dis year,,, imnho

1. Shamarko Thomas

If this guy can’t play, we’re doomed. The (gob and jeebus save me) precipitous decline of Troy P. ruined the secondary. Both Cortez Allen and Mike Mitchell were reduced to idiocy thanks to St. Dick’s over-reliance on Pola and his freelancing ways that had long gone the way of the Dodo. If The Shark can get the secondary’s shit together it could become a major force. If not, they’re fucked.

q:) Kelvin Beachum

I wonder if his parents knew that they were naming him after a temperature scale. In any case, this dude is the key to the O-Line. This unit finally seems as if it has its shit together, and Beachum is the cornerstone. Keeping THE BEN upright is the most important element of da Stillers game plan, and Beachum is the Número Uno Alpha Canine to that plan.

< Alvin Dupree

To be honest, I haven’t been this excited about a rookie LB ever. EVER. This dude is just exploding with athleticism and hugeness. For you Pitt-ologists, he looks like 3-4 end version of Aaron Donald and it seems that he can bring the same ludicrous rage to the pass rush. Let’s Go Bud!

So those are my three players.

BALLS

Of the three,  I’m the least worried about Beachum. The line has been hurt so often over the last few years that the flexibility that has been imposed on the players is paying off now that they’re all healthy. We have had good competition and that has brought up the overall level of play. Suffice to say that if one goes down,  the others can pick up the slack.  Two or more and then we’re talking about keeping Ben alive and surviving the season.

Shamarko worries me because he has limited experience and what he showed wasn’t great.  At the same time,  I’m REALLY happy Troy is gone. As bad as Shamarko could turn out to be, he will still be less of a liability.  The key to the year,  imho, is going to be the play of the CBs. They are the big unknown. Having an actual rush from the front three  (or,  dare I say it,  4?!?) would help tremendously.

The other area where we need to improve is Special Teams.  Last year, we sucked more dick on Special Teams than Belladonna at a Make A Wish event held at the LA Coliseum this week. (Assuming the MAW Foundation was actually run by decent human beings without “moral” judgments)

WCS

Cortez Allen: time to show why you got more money last season than Pacman (CHUH CHUH) could EVER throw away in a strip club.

Jarvis Jones: Is the first of what became three consecutive first-round linebacker picks. What does that say about how far that unit has fallen, and his play so far?

DeAngelo Williams: Spent his entire career splitting carries with Jonathan Stewart; will be forced to carry the load for the first three two games. While I admire his propensity of general loathing to the media, especially the dickish Yinzer press, he’ll be asked to a shitload of different things. He has the ability, but, he’s not exactly young, and this will be the first time in a very long time he won’t be part of a tandem (at least for the first month). And, no. Dri Archer doesn’t count.

Honorable mention goes to Keith Butler. Now that Dick Lebeau has died (or gone to Tennessee, same difference), Butler gets the keys to car. Rumors were that several teams (including Arizona and the Rams) wanted to lure Butler away as their DC a few seasons ago. I’m interested to see if and when he implements a 4-3 defense, so the legion of AHRN CITY stained Yinzers can feverishly call into the SUPER GENIUS’s show, ranting about “GITTIN’ ‘AWAY FROM REEL STILLERS FOOBAW, MARC!” About the only thing Yinzers hate more than change to their team are minority head coaches of said team.

BALLS

Which is funny because the same people complaining are the ones that don’t remember we actually ran the 4-3 during the 70’s Super Bowls!

Another couple of things that I’m sure are pissing off the dipshits are the recent extensions handed out to the HC and the GM. They are clearly buddy buddy and in sync,  which can be a good thing and a bad thing.

For a team that steadfastly goes on vacation at the beginning of free agency,  that greatly reduces the margin for error in the draft.  We’ve been bit on that recently.  What do you guys think about the HC/GM relationship and do you think it’s good or bad for the team?

WCS

I’m fine with it. While there have been a number of bad, baaaaadddddddddddd selections recently i.e., Ziggy Hood (never trust anyone from Missouri), Jason Worilds (never trust anyone from Virginia Tech), and the seemingly 34 asszillion defensive backs taken anywhere from round two to seven, overall, the Tomlin-Colbert team has been solid. Le’Veon Bell, Antonio Brown (sixth round!!), Kelvin Beachem (seventh round?!)? Not bad, at least on the offense.

Consider some of the other HC-GM pairings we’ve seen in recent years: Jeff Ireland was far more concerned with a potential draft pick’s mom’s sex life than said receiver’s actual ability, and it’s not like Miami has had a good coach since Ace Ventura was rescuing Dan Marino. THE OL’ DOUBLE J IS FUCKIN’ CRAZY (but, at least his son is seemingly somewhat less FUCKIN’ CRAZY), but, would you really trust the Brothers Garrett to question ANYTHING the Joneses say? The Garretts have dinner and country club memberships on the line! Chip Kelly is clearly high on meth ALL the time, and may possibly have a secret life as a Bond villain. And then, of course, there’s the Factory on Lake Erie. That place is a bigger fire than the Cuyahoga.

Colbert has presided over two Super Bowl champion teams, and were one THE BEN HARFPICKDOWN away from a third. Tomlin’s been a part of two of those. Even a “bad” season by our ultra-entitled asses is 8-8. A decent, “bounce-back” season is 11-5 with a division title. I’m fine with Colbert-Tomlin. Tampa fans would burn down every strip club within a ten-black radius of Warren Sapp’s house (a dumpster behind another strip club) for an 8-8 season. For our next section, perhaps a best case/worst case discussion?

BALLS

I’m going to look like the biggest rose-colored glasses homer in the universe, but I can easily see a 14-2 regular season.  I don’t see us winning in Seattle or in KC, but the rest are winnable, specially considering Goodell gave the big FUCK YOU to Brady.  Ok, maybe we lose in Baltimore.  That’s a more realistic yet still optimistic 13-3.  I’ll go with that as the best case.

On the other side, so many things could go wrong.  The problem with our team in recent years has been that we play down sometimes to the level of the competition and lose to teams we shouldn’t (You are welcome, Raiders!)  Let’s add the Chargers on the week after the first Ravens game as a loss.  We could also have a five game losing streak late in the season with the Seahawks, Colts, Bengals, Broncos, and Ravens all in row.  That turns this dream year of the Super Offense into a 9-7 heap of mediocrity that may or may not be good enough for a playoff berth.  Yes, it’s still a winning year, but it will have been a waste with the weapons we have on offense.  God, I’m dreading it now…

SILL

14-2…guh…

BALLS

I said Rose-colored!!

SILL

Moar liek akshewal roses AMIRITE

BALLS

Boykin!  And with that,  my fellow Steeler fans,  I firmly put my rose-colored glasses back on and anticipate a playoff run.  I mean,  we just shored up the major weakness area our team had!  The only thing thing stopping us now are injuries.

/looks up training camp report and sees three injuries in defense.

Well fuck!

WCS

After least season’s 11-5, AFC North title, I have to think the Stillers will end up right around there again. The offense should be unstoppable at times. I’m looking for a bit more consistency in this department. As amazing as the O was rolling last year, it came in strange spurts (last five minutes or so against some team from Texas that isn’t the Cowboys) and those back-to-back weeks against the Clots and Ravens. Scattered throughout were needing a pick-six to beat the friggin’ Jags, getting curbstomped by the bloody Browns, and scoring all of 13 against the Jets. THE JETS. I’m not saying they have to score 35 points every week, but averaging ~27 isn’t unrealistic.

The defense is another story. They’re young. They’re inexperienced. They are fast. Basically, they are Bizarro World Stillers defense of the last few seasons, where Troy couldn’t sneeze without breaking a kidney anymore. One thing does remain the same, however. These new guys still get hurt constantly. HAVE KEEP SOME TRADITIONS ALIVE. They’ve already lost their second-round draft pick, DB Senquiz Golson to season-ending shoulder surgery. Will the linebackers start returning to the squads we have seen in the over the last 15 or so seasons? I have hope, but… I’m still not… hey… you guys hear that? What is that?

SILL

Sounds like a car…

BALLS

Yeah, it does. A loud one. Wait… no…

WCS

No.. can’t be…

[CAMARO PEELS UP]

[[CAMARO SMASHES OVER SILL’S MAILBOX]]

[[[CAMARO DOOR FLIES OPEN]]]

ALRIGHT YOU LIMPDICKED FAGGOTS, LOOK ALIVE. BOSS TODD IS HERE, AND HE’S GOING TO LEARN YOUR SORRY ASSES SOME MOTHERHUMPING TRUTH. THIS SEASON, THESE CHEESEDICKS UNDER MY BRILLIANT TUTELAGE ARE NOT ONLY GOING TO SET EVERY GODDAMNED OFFENSIVE RECORD IN THIS PISSANT LEAGUE’S HISTORY, WE’RE GOING TO SKULLFUCK THEM INTO THE NEXT MILLENNIUM.

[CHUGS LITER OF REBEL YELL]

BOSS TODD HAS SPENT THE LAST SEVEN MONTHS LIVING HIS BITCHIN’ CAMARO’S BACKSEATS AND HE HAS DEVISED AN OFFENSIVE SCHEME SO FUCKING BRILLIANT, SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME YOUR COLLECTIVE SHRIVELED JOHNSONS WOULD LITERALLY BURST OPEN LIKE THE GODDAMN ALIEN WAS TRYING TO GET OUT IF I TRIED TO EXPLAIN MY GENIUS TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

[DIPS ENTIRE CAN OF KODIAK]

[[LIGHTS AND SMOKES SIX MARLBORO REDS SIMULTANEOUSLY]]

FUCKNUT BEN IS GOING THROW FOR AT LEAST SEVEN MILLION YARDS AND 200 TOUCHDOWNS BECAUSE IF HE DOESN’T BOSS TODD’S GOING TO STRAP HIS RAPEY ASS TO THE CAMARO’S REAR BUMPER AND DRAG THAT FUCKCOCK AROUND HEINZ FIELD’S SHITACULAR TURF UNTIL IT LOOKS LIKE QUEER-ASS FRANCE IN 1916. BUT THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE OF WHAT BOSS TODD’S CREATED; HELL, EVEN A DICK PINCHER LIKE MATT FUCKING CASSELL COULDN’T FUCK THIS UP.

[CRANKS KROKUS]

[[REVS ENGINE]]

AS LONG AS THOSE SCROTUM SCRATCHERS ON DEFENSE DON’T FUCK AROUND TOO BAD, AND THEY MIGHT BECAUSE HOLY COCKBURGLARS DO THEY DRINK TAINT SWEAT, BOSS TODD’S LEADING THIS JIZZSTAIN OF A TEAM TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL. BANK ON IT, ASSFACES. BOSS TODD OUT.

[TOSSES FOUR EMPTY HARDEE’S BAGS OUT OF CAMARO]

[[CAMARO DOOR FLIES CLOSED]]

[[[DOES FIVE DOUGHNUTS ON SILL’S LAWN]]]

[[[[PEALS OFF INTO SUNSET]]]]