Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!
GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.
KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.
Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.
Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.
Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.
Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.
Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.
EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.
Snap goes past Fitzpatrick, good work.
Apparently offensive pass interference does not exist in DC.
Along with you know…public shame.
No “This is Great” button?
That’s weird. Gimme a minute.
…and there it is. ARE YOU A WIZARD?!
I do what I can. I changed how the comments load this morning to make it run smoother and I think that was a casualty. Thanks for the heads up – I’ve been in and out and totally missed it.
RGIII trying not to smile too hard when Cousins overthrows a receiver looks like a truck driver trying to squeeze back a loaf while 30 miles from the nearest rest area.
Yup…its hilarious to see.
Apparently the Directv Internet streaming doesn’t work outside of the USA, so I’m going to have to go to sleep and wake up to how poorly the Chargers played instead of catching it live.
Delayed gratification is the key to success in life.
With Tom Clements calling the plays, I’m not entirely unconvinced that McCarthy isn’t holding a Denny’s menu and planning his post-game meal.
My wife witnessed McCarthy sneaking ice cream sandwiches in his Suburban in the Lambeau parking lot during the offseason.
Hoyer the Destroyer, of successful Texans drives.
I’m beginning to suspect Brian Hoyer might not be a good QB.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/3764ecb60f98f4edaba47fc881754b2a/tumblr_n8hcshXkhE1r39i1to1_250.gif
In respond to the injury to Antonio Cromartie, I am collecting money for his 12 children and 8 baby mamas.
Gross Joe Buck is on my TV. Aren’t there some baseball games he can announce?
Looks like Cromartie will be spending more time with his kids
with his production rate it’s becoming statistically impossible for him to spend less time with them.
Johnny Fucking Showed Him.
damn it the bear lead is scaring me. I need help grounding my hopes
Elisha did the voice work for the “high pitched” Peyton commercial. True story.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/1faf59dc1fcf6b4f206f7f30bc3be0b8/tumblr_mz3hn6Bdmg1syvjuco1_500.jpg
How many Patriots fans successfully bring themselves to orgasm while watching the Black Mass commercial?
I’ve got a roommate from Mass, no hyperbole, I’ve been shushed when the commercial comes on.
WHITEY BUL-JAH WAS A BAHD-ASS YOU CAWK SUCKAH!
https://mobile.twitter.com/xmasape/status/643116375213408256/video/1
YESSSSSSSS
So why aren’t DraftKings and FanDuel considered gambling?
because lawmakers do not understand the interweb yet?
Technically pants, but dey-is-a-droppin’
http://40.media.tumblr.com/3dd2e2fffe9d891d7818c98746ef04e7/tumblr_muu36tWT571qd6umno1_500.jpg
Posluzny is my IDP in Snow’s league! WOO!!
/but Cam is my QB
And cro goes down…how much down the tube was that…
What does it say about how I view the NFL that I’d almost rather be watching Jets-Browns play a game that is best described as flaming avocado-colored shit than my own team that’s playing fairly well against a hated rival?
The dolphins are tackling roughly as well as an actual marine mammal with stubby flippers.
Stubby Flippers would be an awesome Miami coaches name.
Fortedown!
Give it to the Bears’ OL – got their money’s worth on that hold.
Flags, flags for the flag god.
Pretty sure DFO-saint; no pants.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/8ef5e9fe094a07138eaa09ebd022e525/tumblr_muu38jmMTi1qd6umno1_1280.jpg
I kinda wish I had Jets/Browns, this game is awful
Rex Ryan’s play book is a sketchbook with Blitz underlined and some doodles of feet.
How the fuck you boys doin’???? Holy hell, the Bears actually look competitive in the first half of their tilt with the Pack… Thoughts of, “…we’ve secretly replaced the Bears offense with…” are playing out in my head right now.
I think Boger wants to announce his retirement from referring mid game
Miami and DC are having a fail off. Could be baseball, could be football.
¿Por qué no los dos?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OawrlVoQqSs
The Factory just keeps getting sadder. Browns gon Brown
That was the Jetsbrowniest thing that ever happened.
Fitzmagiception, but the Browns fumble it and Brandon Marshall does his best Brandon Marshall impression to get the ball back. Sounds about right.
I think Mike McCarthy was just saying “Funky ball sheet”
Funky butt lovin?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Nd693I5X1E
Browns make an interception, promptly have it stripped. You guys need to slow down, there’s only so much I can handle.
The bright spot is, the Phins are just slightly more incompetent than the [*Redacted] s.
Holy Jetsy-Brownsing Batman.
The Jetsbrowniest play in football history
Average QBs be going deep today and none of them are Rex Grossman.
He inspired everyone with his comeback attempt
Joe Philbin really dislikes being employed.
Why wasn’t Lamar Miller playing?
Dear Miami…what the fuck was that?!?
Just hoping for another interception our best chance of scoring
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=242&v=p_y6rFCHGBU
“Hi, I’m Andrew Luck, and I have DirectTV”.
“Hi, I’m Brian Hoyer, and I suck at football”.
Cowboy need to trade for Jamaal Charles. Jerry Jones offers whores and coke to the Chiefs Owner/GM and all you can eat at the Pecan Lodge for Andy for Jamaal Charles.
Come this fall on CBS predictable Cop or Medical show.
I plan on coming this fall.
I initially read that like you plan on coming out this fall.
I have a theory that there are large numbers of Americans with undocumented Alzheimer…hence why CBS does so well.
Harvin td-Bills up on Colts 7-0.
Great, now Kelce’s dead.
Well, there goes Alex Smith’s ability to throw TDs.
Have we gotten to a point where fantasy football is more important to some people then actual football? Is that what still excessively bearded Andrew Luck is telling me?
Holy shit OW. Broken arm or dislocated shoulder on the phins.
http://us.whales.org/sites/default/files/styles/content_portrait/public/bycatch_dorsal_fin_scar_blood_netting_notch_missing_greenpeace_survey_2004_esperanza_wdcs.jpg
The Chinese pay top dollar for that.
Shouldn’t the page-up button read “Tip of the Dick Jokes”?
Just the tip?
Theres so many Dolphins dying on the field today you’d think the Japanese were responsible.