I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
Damn, less than 150 yards in the aggregate im DEN-BAL.
It seems like less than 100
HALFTIME BABES
http://supermodelboutique.com/Full/SH-25930-c.jpg
I will allow THOSE pants!
What’s newer, the marble or her tits?
Andy Dalton vs DJ Heyden: Whoever wins, we lose
PAN…. Peter Pan combined with Time Bandits, combined with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow featuring Zeppelins.
Netflix be damned.
Jake Long’s agent is getting a phone call in about two hours.
Just so Majestic…
http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee417/Ironavenger6491/tb_zpsvfi1lvmf.png.
Where’re da white wimmin at?
“The quarterback is a rap-” BONG!
“Whad he say?”
“I think he said the quarterback is a rapper.”
http://9buz.com/content/uploads/images/October2014/I_have_no_idea_what_9buz.jpg
Woooooo two NCIS commercials back-to-back!
My brain wants to hear the high voiced Pey Pey’s scream everytime Manning goes down.
Is it possible to target an elbow?
Holy fuck. Dennis Allen is a homosexual right? I mean, nothing wrong with that…but he sure looks like he wants to bring Michael Sam aboard.
The fire is lit and I’m half way there.
Drinking one of these fresh out the ice chest and life is good.
Still alive in the suicide league.
http://d1ynl4hb5mx7r8.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/lagunitas-ipa.jpg
I love Lagunitas.
Indeed!
Lil Sumpin Sumpin!
/saving it for the JerralWorld shitshow
Always good stuff.
Their High-Westified Stout is truly awesome.
I’m so jacked for stout and porter season
Matt McGloin? Sounds like a name you’d make up on the spot when trying to create a fictitious person.
UGH, MCGLOIN
Men. MEN! What a day. WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY! I’m a bit miffed that the entire AFC East is 1-0, but nothing is perfect.
I LIVE! I REX! I LIVE AGAIN!!!
The Jets beat Cleveland. They are .5-0.
Pacman Jones is the modern day NFL version of Ogie Oglethorpe.
Not…Ogie!
ogle torp!
OLD TIME FOOTBALL
Going for it on 4th down with a backup qb seems like a bad idea.
Carr injured himself trying to play football.
False start ON Peyton? How often do you see that?
I thought we brought in Matt Barkley to run the two minute offense?!
Skynet needs to send a new battery from the future for Manning’s neck, he’s starting to fade away out there.
Peyton Manning having more protection issues than Antonio Cromartie.
Must book tickets to DEN at OAK….
I was hoping for adequate and it’s been a long way short of that.
Haven’t seen a Saints game since they Boutygated Kurt Warner in the playoffs.
I still hope every fucking player and coach and fan of that team has every joint blown out.
Dinner has been decided. To celebrate the return of football we’re ordering pizza and wings.
I regret nothing.
From Dominos?
Oh hell no.
CT chain called Randy’s Wooster Street.
Pretty good stuff.
Wait, Pacman Jones still plays, and isn’t in prison?
Work release
I enjoy it immensely when Rivers throws a pick.
Fuck challenging spots…
Pacman Jones slams Amari Cooper’s bare head into his discarded helmet, gets flagged but NOT ejected? Player safety is a priority.
It’s not like he has a history of bad behavior.
CHUH CHUH
O HE GON CONCUSS
BAL/DEN: Come for the 50+ yard FG’s, stay for… shit, nothing?
pretty much, yeah. Manning appears cooked and Flacco’s well…just Flacco.
It’s pronounced “Flaccid”
the weed?
Pacman: flagged for trying to choke a bitch.
I chuh chuh choke you!
/Chuh chuh
My faith in the Raiders seems…misplaced?
Faith that they will…..?
Cover today, contend for the 2nd wildcard.
I know, I know. I take a lot of opiates.
NFL commercials play like a who’s who of products and services I will never use.
Thanks for the reminder, Uproxx!
So the Cards are going to lose because they give up 25 yards on every screen pass….
ESPN spinning Jameis’s pick-6: “You know who else threw a pick-six on his first pass was Brettfar!”
“And Jesus!”
-Tony Dungy
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnl53xs8FA1qbz9fx.gif
“Hey you know who else blew his own head off sticking a gun up to it the first time? Bud Dwyer.”
Hey man, nice shot.
My lock of the week Ravens may have been slightly off.
Should have gone with the Shoe-In Of the Week.
http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/nflSHOE.jpg
Destiny: Buy it, please?
do u like led zepplin? if u buy our game, u can play it while listening to led zepplin!
Desperation is a stinky cologne.
Has there been a killer app game yet for the next gen consoles?
Peyton’s going to need a reboot after that hit.
Oof, Peyton’s head bounced off the turf on that sack.
His forehead was made for butting rams so I’m fairly sure the sod had no effect whatsoever.
http://www.marlaine.com/personal/africa/Amboseli/zebralie.JPG
The ref that went down earlier has a broken clavicle. He’s already been fined by Goodell for not displaying proper technique and disrespecting THE SHIELD.
#ZebraLivesMatter
Make way for a replacement ref!
Touchdown Seahawks.
/watching Denver game
//sudden urge to travel to Omaha gaining momentum
Omaha-ha Clinton Dix
If we really care about concussions, STOP FUCKING COMPLIMENTING PEOPLE FOR LOWERING THEIR HEADS.
How do announcers still offer the “Oh when XXX runs for 100+ yards, they win” analysis? No shit — when you are up, you run the ball. When you are losing, you pass.
Gritdown
Gritdown!
Danny Woodhead dives one in!
If you started Woodhead in a fantasy….
why are you here and not on PFT where you belong?
Dude picked 100% in DFO leagues.
you can’t have a horse collar without grabbing inside the collar, ppl forget that
SERIOUSLY. He grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him down. Not even CLOSE to a horsecollar.
Gritty vulturedown.
Fox trying real hard to make me like Bundesliga ….almost as hard as the 70’s tried to make me like The Village People.
If you like one horse races, you’ll love the Bundesliga.
Danny Woodhead? You’re not Melvin Gordon…
Sure that throw was ill-advised, but Winston is used to forcing things in to tight places and getting away with it.
I feel dirty….
Not your fault Florida law enforcement is a joke.
Damn it feels good to have a rive brog again.
/slaps the Commentist Party on the ass, hard
T-bones, mashed potatoes, chicken salad, green beans and the love of a good woman-I’ve got it all.