So much football has been consumed, and we aren’t even 10% into the regular season. Doesn’t that feel good? Let it sink in, deep into your soul…
Now, on to your early Saturday Premier League apertif! Schedule spacing is most excellent this weekend, with interesting fixtures each timeslot. No reason to bother with nauseating pre-game shows of ny varietal! Track your fantasy injury status updates online and don’t let the chatterbox “experts” make you second guess yourself into panic moves you will regret. Enjoy the Lesser Footy, it totes won’t make you gay. OK, not more than a little.
7:45 EST brings the classic London Derby of Arsenal/Chelski. Whilst Arsenal is in their happy/safe place in the table (4th, they basically live there), you have to scroll way the fuck down to find the Russian mob money side…in 17th. One place from the relegation zone, thanks to having their pants pulled down by Everton last weekend. It won’t last, but it’s still fucking hilarious. Karma’s a bitch, “special one” – now eat shit and die, already.
Stay on NBCSN for Everton/Swans at 10, in what should be an entertaining, progressive matchup (and easily the best game in that window). I am a little worried my Blues could have a bit of emotional hangover, plus RB Seamus Coleman might not play. Everton does not have a “major league ready” backup RB. Gulp. West Ham (currently sitting in 5th on 9 points) is next in line for the hurricane that is Manchester City (runaway 1st on a perfect 15), 12:30 on NBCSN.
Sunday Funday! You gotta flip to USA Network for the good early game (Tottenham/Palace, 8:30), followed by the late shit game (Liverpool/Norwich). NBCSN joins in the fun late and hungover at 11, but with the best game of the day by far, Southampton vs. Manchester United. A great opportunity for the Saints to vault back into “interesting top half of the table team” status after a sluggish start. I have a feeling they will come good this weekend.
Everyone ready for some HAWT JV action now? Well, hawt is overselling it more than a little. But footbaw is footbaw:
Connecticut at Missouri (12:00, ESPN)
The Fightin’ Horatios invade Columbia (no, the other, other one) in a crucial battle between two undefeated teams absolutely nobody believes to be any good. Well, I’m sure their mothers think they are absolutely wonderful young men,
Northwestern at Duke (12:30, ACC Network/ESPN3)
Georgia Tech at Notre Dame (3:30, NBC)
This game will make your eyes bleed, and I really despise both head coaches intensely. That said, it’s two Top 15 teams and could have national implications. I probably will have to flip to it at least occasionally. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Auburn at LSU (3:30, CBS)
This game looked way the fuck more interesting before last weekend happened. Maybe the game will surprise us, but these teams look pretty derpy to me, particularly on offense. But there’s a lot of shit in this window. I mean, Northern Illinois at tOSU is a goddamned national broadcast. I really hate the world sometimes. OK, most of the time. OK, almost all of the time.
Florida at Kentucky (7:30, SECN)
This has “wildly entertaining shitshow” written all over it. I’m mildly annoyed I will be stuck watching NC State/Old Dominion on an old-timey syndicated starwipe network broadcast instead.
Stanford at USC (8:00, ABC)
Open question as to whether the Men of Troy take the Tree lightly and let them hang around for a half, or ass-blast them right out of the gate. I will defer to Martin’s take, should he decide to weigh in on the matter.
Ole Miss at Alabama (9:15, ESPN)
Hey, it only took 9+ hours to get to the kickoff of an actually compelling matchup between two good teams. It’s at Roll Damn Tide though, without Johnny Reb good luck charm Katy Perry. Edge to Nick Saban, which will make him scowl terrifyingly.
BYU at UCLA (10:30, FS1)
DVR the shit out of this game, non-West Coasters/insomniacs/tweakers. Perhaps the most interesting JV footy contest of the slate. I want to know how good the Bruins might possibly be, and whether the Stormin’ Mormons can pull another late win out of their magic underwear covered collective ass.
Normally I wouldn’t mind the page refreshing all the way at the top after each time I comment, but that UCLA cheerleader’s labia are very distracting. And my wife might get suspicious, too.
After taking care of my ruhsponsuhbilitees elsewhere (game thread up in the other realm, Hippo, btw), my window for 9 holes has closed. But I still have time to hit the range, where I can fondle all the balls I want, no holes involved.
Let no juju be spared for the first real team to ever play a road game at Old Dominion.
I plan on jerking off at some point, too.
Kaiserreich.
I am so conflicted about Chik-fil-a. It’s very tasty stuff, but the company is the exact type that I despise, pushing their religion and being a rallying point for the religious right.
Every 4th of July, in our local parade, the local Chik-fil-a hands out coupons for free food. So I can eat their stuff and not support their company. Except this year I didn’t make the parade.
You can still eat at them, but you have to burn one to the ground.
IT’S IN LEVITICUS ,, PPL FORGET THAT
And here I wonder why my security clearance is taking so long to process…
How about not eating at chains and supporting local guys?
Well most franchisees are small businesses so…
Big differences between franchises and locally owned.
Dunno what happened to VPI’s helmets, but it looks like they lost a bet with a Dadaist.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/f067cd52010692ee1e3d0e2d7c4e1d20/tumblr_nkxossDZT81u65h8xo1_500.gif
I think maybe LSU’s TE got a handjob from the QB’s girlfriend.
I’m not even watching and this comment is fantastic.
The QB led the TE too high in a drag pattern; the TE got laid out by a legal hit to the ribs.
Either way.
TOUCHDOWN ROADRUNNERS!
meep meep
Yeah, Auburn will be lucky to finish 6-6.
OSU looking like a dumpster fire today. Which is odd, as it’s raining on and off in Columbus.
Well, there is a lot of grease in the local dumpsters.
One summer in grad school I didn’t get funded, so I worked for the gas company. I ended up seeing a LOT of dumpsters in Columbus. There are smells I cannot un-smell. There was a river of grease behind a restaurant that I had heard was “so good,” I never went there and never trusted anyone who raved about that place.
Saw a French chef put his steaks in a room temperature olive oil bath with salt, pepper and various herbs earlier today. Guess what I’m doing right now?
/guesses regarding masturbation are true but not related to above
When grilling the steak after this application of oil; be careful; have the spray water bottle close.
Not sayin’ I’m the one who got their arm hair burned off.
If done right this is a delicious way.
Masturbating onto your steaks with room temperature olive oil.
/Sunday Gravy With Scotchnaut
Well, you may have extra oil.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/281000c28ccd7467e7d90527e94f1140/tumblr_nuvux7KBv71s6f6ljo1_500.gif
If the neighbor is out in her yard I’d rather use it on the fence.
No better marinade than spunk, eh?
Games that I really can, and probably will, watch this window: VPI/Purdue and Austin Peay/Vandy.
Again, self-loathing.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/e5dbb12287353f8b78d05c17a63282d9/tumblr_n0xxhvzbBC1tqzqyro1_500.gif
Oh Auburn.
I see what they did there.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/dea362a0e43a7ccc81a20a53fde735cc/tumblr_nourreKbkJ1t69yfro1_500.gif
Aubie appears to be every bit as shitty as they looked last week. Bees down to the even golder team this week. So shiny, this footy contest.
Maybe Auburn isn’t that good, guys…
You gotta be shitty me.
I am watching the OT of Syracuse/Central Michigan, because I hate myself.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/4b53fb78535a45448558137250c17e20/tumblr_nc5ojo0i7o1t0cscho1_400.gif
Is there a college football team with Weevils as the mascot? Because after what just happened with my rice I’d like to root against them please.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/a4997b7916b366f3e7ae48c4f0e7aae0/tumblr_nbj9fb2d2T1s4yu6wo1_400.gif
The guy doing commentary on ESPN’s Goal Line sounds kind of like Aasif Mandvi (from the Daily Show), so I keep expecting him to make jokes.
I think Aasif Mandvi would be fantastic doing football play-by-play. Hell, I wish he had gotten the Daily Show.
Penn lost to Lehigh to start the Quakers season. Sun rises in the east.
I need to post a response gif to the UCLA cheer pic:
http://38.media.tumblr.com/8b01c6950dd06f02eb819e7c9500f414/tumblr_nrn29cB5SE1s322uwo1_1280.gif
*Has cheerleader fetish since first college game attended; HIGH KICKS!!
Does anything go together quite like ESSS EEEE SEEE fans and Taco Bell?
PAWWWLLL WES DUN HAVIN MESSICAN FER DINNER TONITE PAWLLL WHOS YOU LIEK IN DA OL MISS TIDE GAME PAWWLLLL DEM REBS HAD SUM GOOD IDEARS IN DA 1960S PAWWWLLL DONCHU THINK?
This ESPN Goal Line bit is exactly like NFL Red Zone except I don’t recognize or care about any of the teams.
LSU gumbo gumbo gumbo.
Dikembe motombo motombo motombo.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/1931376/nope-not-in-my-house-o.gif
JPP thumbo thumbo thumbo.
Bernie Kosar rumbo rumbo rumbo
Donald Trump dumbo dumbo dumbo
Neil Peart drumbo drumbo drumbo
Bill Belichick grumbo grumbo grumbo.
OK, I’m trying to decide if I want to be a lazy fuck and stay in front of the TV for the 3:30 slate, or if I have time for 9 holes before 7pm kickoff in….(ahem)….Norfolk.
Nine holes? Your lack of respect for women disgusts me!
Sometimes….I disgust myself even.
Norfolk State Fighin’ Spartans?
“Nine holes before 7 p.m.? On a slow day, sure.”
– Rex Grossman
Commence binge drinking.
There are less people at the Duke/Northwestern game than on this thread right now.
The gameday atmosphere there (and facilities quality) is middle school at best.
/Trestman orders season tickets
So, I see the shiny “new” Duke stadium is still very empty.
Let’s go Cubbies
Clap clap
Clap clap clap
godfuckingdamnit
/glad this abortion is happening during a football weekend so I am not watching at least.
Wake Forest/Army. FEEL the excite!
PPPPPPAAAAAWWWLLLLLLL DEM DUN YANKEEEES DUN PLAY FOOBAWL LIKE WES DUN DO HER’ IN DA EEEEESSSSSS EEEEEEEE SSSSSSSEEEEEEEE PAAAWWWLLLL WES GON SHOW EM PAAWLLLL
That was fucktardedly fugly.
DEEEERRRRRRRPPPPPP
UConn looking to win the SEC East.
PAWWWWLLLL, what say yeeewww?
Wow, why did they ever convert that Connecticut defensive back over from wide receiver?
Northwestern QB is 7-18 for 56 yards and a pick.
They’re up 12-7 on the road. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, your noon window of games!!!
PET PEEVE – jackass football announcers who say “shuffle pass” instead of the correct “shovel.”
Also “hook-and-ladder” instead of “hook-and-lateral.” Too.
AGREED
Also misusing “cut bait”.
This would be a lot more fun if I didn’t hate West Ham so much.
About 15 of those dickheads came storming into my local in Southampton after a match in 2004, screaming, starting fights, tearing up the place–did I mention that there is ZERO history between West Ham and Saints?
Just a bunch of mouthbreathing troglodytes always looking for chaos.
Fuck West Ham.
Would you call their fans as dumb as a bag of hammers?
/Somehow I know that’s their nickname
I haven’t seen an English side hold the line after such withering assaults like that since the battle of Waterloo.
“I’m Peyton Manning, and I have DirecTV.”
“And I’m Eli Manning, and I have two Super Bowl rings.”
“Goddamnit.”
insurmountable 9-6 Mizzou lead
Another quality loss for UCONN! It’s what our program is built on!
An EPL thread where I can chirp about my glorious Fulham Football Club?
Oh wait 2 years scraping in the Championship has made me sad. Gin and Tonic time.
I went to UCLA for a year of undergrad. Was trying to play volleyball there. Couldn’t get my vertical high enough to play OH, and I wasn’t a good enough setter to have a chance on the team.
So I tried out for the cheer squad. Sadly, the early 90s were not the poon bonanza that UCLA cheerleading looks like now.
The US needs mandatory conscription so that the Armed Forces teams can be competitive again.
Wow. Between the heartbreaker at the Cricket World Cup and this, this is indeed the darkest timeline for South African sports.
They’ll recover.
Meanwhile, Japan are now going to lose their next three matches by 342-5.
Doesn’t matter. Many panty-vending machines will be stocked and renamed in their honour.
I HAVEN’T SEEN AN ENGLISH REARGUARD ACTION LIKE THIS SINCE DUNKERQUE
Cuse football uniforms are re-defining the word “ugly”.
So international team sports-wise, what upsets are on a par or greater than this Japan victory?
Off the top of my head, Miracle 1980 and that win by the US against the Brits in soccer/football in the ’50’s(?). Anybody got anything else?
Pearl Harbor?
The US was certainly not prepared for that game.
I think US-England is a good comparison since it also came in group play. Miracle is higher since it was am elimination game.
FC Start v. Flakelf?
http://kiev4tourists.com/IMAGES/Sightseeing%20images/Death_match_poster.jpg
u think Japan ain’t gon drank?
http://stephinjapan.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/131.jpg
I’m hoping it’s a little of this…
Followed by a lot of this.
[whispers something into Beer’s ear]