Rejoice! More EPL and JV NFL and Open Thread Saturday Goodness for Glorious Commentist Party

So much football has been consumed, and we aren’t even 10% into the regular season.  Doesn’t that feel good?  Let it sink in, deep into your soul…

Now, on to your early Saturday Premier League apertif!  Schedule spacing is most excellent this weekend, with interesting fixtures each timeslot.  No reason to bother with nauseating pre-game shows of ny varietal!  Track your fantasy injury status updates online and don’t let the chatterbox “experts” make you second guess yourself into panic moves you will regret.  Enjoy the Lesser Footy, it totes won’t make you gay.  OK, not more than a little.

7:45 EST brings the classic London Derby of Arsenal/Chelski.  Whilst Arsenal is in their happy/safe place in the table (4th, they basically live there), you have to scroll way the fuck down to find the Russian mob money side…in 17th.  One place from the relegation zone, thanks to having their pants pulled down by Everton last weekend.  It won’t last, but it’s still fucking hilarious.  Karma’s a bitch, “special one” – now eat shit and die, already.

Stay on NBCSN for Everton/Swans at 10, in what should be an entertaining, progressive matchup (and easily the best game in that window).  I am a little worried my Blues could have a bit of emotional hangover, plus RB Seamus Coleman might not play.  Everton does not have a “major league ready” backup RB.  Gulp.  West Ham (currently sitting in 5th on 9 points) is next in line for the hurricane that is Manchester City (runaway 1st on a perfect 15), 12:30 on NBCSN.

Sunday Funday!  You gotta flip to USA Network for the good early game (Tottenham/Palace, 8:30), followed by the late shit game (Liverpool/Norwich).  NBCSN joins in the fun late and hungover at 11, but with the best game of the day by far, Southampton vs. Manchester United.  A great opportunity for the Saints to vault back into “interesting top half of the table team” status after a sluggish start.  I have a feeling they will come good this weekend.

 

Everyone ready for some HAWT JV action now?  Well, hawt is overselling it more than a little.  But footbaw is footbaw:

Connecticut at Missouri (12:00, ESPN)

The Fightin’ Horatios invade Columbia (no, the other, other one) in a crucial battle between two undefeated teams absolutely nobody believes to be any good.  Well, I’m sure their mothers think they are absolutely wonderful young men,

Northwestern at Duke (12:30, ACC Network/ESPN3)

Georgia Tech at Notre Dame (3:30, NBC)

This game will make your eyes bleed, and I really despise both head coaches intensely.  That said, it’s  two Top 15 teams and could have national implications.  I probably will have to flip to it at least occasionally.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Auburn at LSU (3:30, CBS)

This game looked way the fuck more interesting before last weekend happened.  Maybe the game will surprise us, but these teams look pretty derpy to me, particularly on offense.  But there’s a lot of shit in this window.  I mean, Northern Illinois at tOSU is a goddamned national broadcast.  I really hate the world sometimes.  OK, most of the time.  OK, almost all of the time.

Florida at Kentucky (7:30, SECN)

This has “wildly entertaining shitshow” written all over it.  I’m mildly annoyed I will be stuck watching NC State/Old Dominion on an old-timey syndicated starwipe network broadcast instead.

Stanford at USC (8:00, ABC)

Open question as to whether the Men of Troy take the Tree lightly and let them hang around for a half, or ass-blast them right out of the gate.  I will defer to Martin’s take, should he decide to weigh in on the matter.

Ole Miss at Alabama (9:15, ESPN)

Hey, it only took 9+ hours to get to the kickoff of an actually compelling matchup between two good teams.  It’s at Roll Damn Tide though, without Johnny Reb good luck charm Katy Perry.  Edge to Nick Saban, which will make him scowl terrifyingly.

BYU at UCLA (10:30, FS1)

DVR the shit out of this game, non-West Coasters/insomniacs/tweakers.  Perhaps the most interesting JV footy contest of the slate.  I want to know how good the Bruins might possibly be, and whether the Stormin’ Mormons can pull another late win out of their magic underwear covered collective ass.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Lothar of the Hill People

Normally I wouldn’t mind the page refreshing all the way at the top after each time I comment, but that UCLA cheerleader’s labia are very distracting. And my wife might get suspicious, too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

After taking care of my ruhsponsuhbilitees elsewhere (game thread up in the other realm, Hippo, btw), my window for 9 holes has closed. But I still have time to hit the range, where I can fondle all the balls I want, no holes involved.

WCS

I plan on jerking off at some point, too.

Kaiserreich.

Lothar of the Hill People

I am so conflicted about Chik-fil-a. It’s very tasty stuff, but the company is the exact type that I despise, pushing their religion and being a rallying point for the religious right.

Every 4th of July, in our local parade, the local Chik-fil-a hands out coupons for free food. So I can eat their stuff and not support their company. Except this year I didn’t make the parade.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You can still eat at them, but you have to burn one to the ground.

Lothar of the Hill People

And here I wonder why my security clearance is taking so long to process…

scotchnaut

How about not eating at chains and supporting local guys?

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Well most franchisees are small businesses so…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Big differences between franchises and locally owned.

Lothar of the Hill People

I think maybe LSU’s TE got a handjob from the QB’s girlfriend.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m not even watching and this comment is fantastic.

Lothar of the Hill People

The QB led the TE too high in a drag pattern; the TE got laid out by a legal hit to the ribs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Either way.

Spanky Datass

TOUCHDOWN ROADRUNNERS!

WCS

Yeah, Auburn will be lucky to finish 6-6.

Lothar of the Hill People

OSU looking like a dumpster fire today. Which is odd, as it’s raining on and off in Columbus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, there is a lot of grease in the local dumpsters.

Lothar of the Hill People

One summer in grad school I didn’t get funded, so I worked for the gas company. I ended up seeing a LOT of dumpsters in Columbus. There are smells I cannot un-smell. There was a river of grease behind a restaurant that I had heard was “so good,” I never went there and never trusted anyone who raved about that place.

scotchnaut

Saw a French chef put his steaks in a room temperature olive oil bath with salt, pepper and various herbs earlier today. Guess what I’m doing right now?

/guesses regarding masturbation are true but not related to above

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When grilling the steak after this application of oil; be careful; have the spray water bottle close.

Not sayin’ I’m the one who got their arm hair burned off.

If done right this is a delicious way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If the neighbor is out in her yard I’d rather use it on the fence.

Lothar of the Hill People

No better marinade than spunk, eh?

Oh Auburn.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

Maybe Auburn isn’t that good, guys…

You gotta be shitty me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there a college football team with Weevils as the mascot? Because after what just happened with my rice I’d like to root against them please.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The guy doing commentary on ESPN’s Goal Line sounds kind of like Aasif Mandvi (from the Daily Show), so I keep expecting him to make jokes.

Lothar of the Hill People

I think Aasif Mandvi would be fantastic doing football play-by-play. Hell, I wish he had gotten the Daily Show.

WCS

Penn lost to Lehigh to start the Quakers season. Sun rises in the east.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I need to post a response gif to the UCLA cheer pic:
http://38.media.tumblr.com/8b01c6950dd06f02eb819e7c9500f414/tumblr_nrn29cB5SE1s322uwo1_1280.gif

*Has cheerleader fetish since first college game attended; HIGH KICKS!!

WCS

Does anything go together quite like ESSS EEEE SEEE fans and Taco Bell?

PAWWWLLL WES DUN HAVIN MESSICAN FER DINNER TONITE PAWLLL WHOS YOU LIEK IN DA OL MISS TIDE GAME PAWWLLLL DEM REBS HAD SUM GOOD IDEARS IN DA 1960S PAWWWLLL DONCHU THINK?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This ESPN Goal Line bit is exactly like NFL Red Zone except I don’t recognize or care about any of the teams.

LSU gumbo gumbo gumbo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dikembe motombo motombo motombo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

JPP thumbo thumbo thumbo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bernie Kosar rumbo rumbo rumbo

nomonkeyfun

Donald Trump dumbo dumbo dumbo

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Neil Peart drumbo drumbo drumbo

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bill Belichick grumbo grumbo grumbo.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I’m trying to decide if I want to be a lazy fuck and stay in front of the TV for the 3:30 slate, or if I have time for 9 holes before 7pm kickoff in….(ahem)….Norfolk.

scotchnaut

Nine holes? Your lack of respect for women disgusts me!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sometimes….I disgust myself even.

WCS

Norfolk State Fighin’ Spartans?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Nine holes before 7 p.m.? On a slow day, sure.”

– Rex Grossman

Commence binge drinking.

WCS

There are less people at the Duke/Northwestern game than on this thread right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, I see the shiny “new” Duke stadium is still very empty.

laserguru

Let’s go Cubbies
Clap clap
Clap clap clap

WCS

PPPPPPAAAAAWWWLLLLLLL DEM DUN YANKEEEES DUN PLAY FOOBAWL LIKE WES DUN DO HER’ IN DA EEEEESSSSSS EEEEEEEE SSSSSSSEEEEEEEE PAAAWWWLLLL WES GON SHOW EM PAAWLLLL

That was fucktardedly fugly.

UConn looking to win the SEC East.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow, why did they ever convert that Connecticut defensive back over from wide receiver?

Sill Bimmons

Also “hook-and-ladder” instead of “hook-and-lateral.” Too.

Spanky Datass

Also misusing “cut bait”.

Sill Bimmons

This would be a lot more fun if I didn’t hate West Ham so much.

About 15 of those dickheads came storming into my local in Southampton after a match in 2004, screaming, starting fights, tearing up the place–did I mention that there is ZERO history between West Ham and Saints?

Just a bunch of mouthbreathing troglodytes always looking for chaos.

Fuck West Ham.

Senor Weaselo

Would you call their fans as dumb as a bag of hammers?

/Somehow I know that’s their nickname

I haven’t seen an English side hold the line after such withering assaults like that since the battle of Waterloo.

Old School Zero

“I’m Peyton Manning, and I have DirecTV.”

“And I’m Eli Manning, and I have two Super Bowl rings.”

“Goddamnit.”

Horatio Cornblower

Another quality loss for UCONN! It’s what our program is built on!

litre_cola

An EPL thread where I can chirp about my glorious Fulham Football Club?

Oh wait 2 years scraping in the Championship has made me sad. Gin and Tonic time.

Lothar of the Hill People

I went to UCLA for a year of undergrad. Was trying to play volleyball there. Couldn’t get my vertical high enough to play OH, and I wasn’t a good enough setter to have a chance on the team.

So I tried out for the cheer squad. Sadly, the early 90s were not the poon bonanza that UCLA cheerleading looks like now.

scotchnaut

The US needs mandatory conscription so that the Armed Forces teams can be competitive again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. Between the heartbreaker at the Cricket World Cup and this, this is indeed the darkest timeline for South African sports.

Sill Bimmons

They’ll recover.

Meanwhile, Japan are now going to lose their next three matches by 342-5.

Beerguyrob

Doesn’t matter. Many panty-vending machines will be stocked and renamed in their honour.

Sill Bimmons

I HAVEN’T SEEN AN ENGLISH REARGUARD ACTION LIKE THIS SINCE DUNKERQUE

scotchnaut

Cuse football uniforms are re-defining the word “ugly”.

scotchnaut

So international team sports-wise, what upsets are on a par or greater than this Japan victory?

Off the top of my head, Miracle 1980 and that win by the US against the Brits in soccer/football in the ’50’s(?). Anybody got anything else?

Horatio Cornblower

Pearl Harbor?

scotchnaut

The US was certainly not prepared for that game.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think US-England is a good comparison since it also came in group play. Miracle is higher since it was am elimination game.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Beerguyrob

I’m hoping it’s a little of this…
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Beerguyrob

Followed by a lot of this.
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scotchnaut

[whispers something into Beer’s ear]

Beerguyrob

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