It’s Your Monday Nighter Open Thread!

I don’t know how we did it. We watched a quadruple-header yesterday and there are no urine stains on the sofa. Not only that, but we’re back to watch this. I don’t use the word “heroes” very often but damnit!, we are heroes. We’ve slogged through some lousy ref calls, brain-meltingly bad throws by QB’s, shortages of beer, the nagging of significant others, carb-heavy food choices, glasses of scotch that refuse to remain full, mystifying third down play calls, kids demanding to be fed, half-hour late delivery guys and fridges/bathrooms that are much farther away from the tv than they should be. How did we do it? I don’t know-it’s a question for the ages…

Bal @ Ari: The spread here is boysenberry and ten. The Ravens are 0-5-1 against both. They are the masters of squeaking out the close loss-they’ve  done it by 6, 4, 4, 3 and 5 for an average of 4.4. Where did the .4 come from? I’m no mathemagician, but I’m guessing a failed on-side kick or a shared sack or some such. I’d just like to say a little something about Mr. Chris Johnson. The guy is 30 years old and was an afterthought when he was signed by the Cards-Ellington was the lead guy and there was this rook stud by the name of David Johnson in the wings just biding his time until he took over. CJ was done-that blazing Cop Speed that his game was predicated on was long gone. He’s not the back that can hit a home run at any given time any more because he changed his style. At 203 pounds he’s taking a pounding running up the middle. I just can’t see a similar back, say Jamaal Charles, doing the same thing at 30. Why? Because he’ll be out for the season with an injury that year as well. Well done, Chris.

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jjfozz

THESE RAVENS I CALL THEM MY OLD COLLEGE ROOMMATE BECAUSE THEY’RE MAKING ME DRINK UNTIL I BLACK OUT

entropy

You are on fire right now.

Moonbatting Average

The only good thing about these crap Thursday night games is that the weekend is only a day away. Wait a minute…

John Difool

It’s Monday… wat?

jjfozz

THESE RAVENS I CALL THEM BAD CRABS BECAUSE THEY’RE MAKING EVERYONE IN BALTIMORE THROW UP

King Hippo

I tried to think of a little combs joke, but failed.

jjfozz

THIS RAVENS TEAM, I CALL THEM THE RIOTS BECAUSE THEY’RE DESTROYING THE MORALE OF EVERY PERSON IN BALTIMORE

Old School Zero

And they’re trying to kill Steve Smith, a black man!

WCS

I really want to do a JJ Watt/Mettenberger/Matt Schaub Texans scaree story, but, can’t figure anything out that works. Thoughts?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THE SELFIE IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

The Maestro

something, something, Klansmen, something, something, devil worship…

MikeWallaceAndGromit

On a dare, Zach Mettenberger, says SELFIE SELFIE SELFIE in front of the bathroom mirror, risking a summoning of JJ Watt.

Doktor Zymm

Picture of Dorian Grey takeoff? Mettenberger takes a selfie, every time he throws an interception the selfie looks a little more like Matt Schaub.

jjfozz

What a wonderful time to be a Ravens fan.

entropy

JJ Watt probably dresses in his football uniform to do everything, from washing his car to setting that cross in Clowney’s yard on fire.

montythisseemsstrangetome

No time for selfies, Mettenberger, I got some more commercials to film.

blackroseMD1

I watched baseball for 25 years and never heard a pitcher referred to as a “Rembrandt”. Stop making shit up, GMC.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Thought about making the exact same comment.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You must be forgetting about J.P. Rembrandt. He played for the Phillies back in the 40’s.

King Hippo

Baseballists are generally not that into art. Beyond the illustrations accompanying “Penthouse Letters.”

Doktor Zymm

More activities should involve spin moves.

entropy

It would sure as shit making checking out at the grocery store more entertaining.

King Hippo

Those usually end up with one of my kids stepping in the cats’ water bowl.

Mother Puncher

Will there be a Cincy bye-week article coming? Asking for a friend.

Redshirt

I’m curious about it too.

blackroseMD1

Dwight Freeney sighting? Holy shit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That reminds me, when I was in San Diego I had a chance encounter with the local chapter of the Joe Flacco fan club.

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litre_cola

Fantastic work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That one person in your crowd that is a fan of a different team and all defensive about.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/ec5675ec5b367352c0680d0d7b2d930a/tumblr_nwdysbIp0E1smxjoeo1_500.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Except for Colts fans, they’re never defensive. I mean, they try, but they fail. Badly.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Is Frosty’s mom a Mother Rucker?

montythisseemsstrangetome

Lisa Salters looks like a perfectly reasonable, normal person.

Old School Zero
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“All that barbecue sauce on his face is making me wish I had three mouths too!”

– Andy Reid

King Hippo

HAWT lovin’ every night!

WHOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Martin

Fuck this. I’m going to try another provider. Last night went well. May as well let it ride or whatever the fuck.

montythisseemsstrangetome

I missed the early part of the open thread… did we make the Cialis Campbell joke yet?

Sharkbait

Basketball is the worst.

WCS

The NBA is the worst.

King Hippo

The integrity of pro wrestling, with even less entertainment value.

Doktor Zymm

That seems to have worked! I’ll probably spend some time tomorrow thoroughly cleaning out that bit of pipe, but for now I’m going to have a drink and feel smugly self-reliant. Also, I learned that there’s a really old toothbrush behind my dishwasher, and that 3-4 months is apparently the amount of time it takes for home ownership to go from awesome to mildly annoying.

blordinaryfagicmox

Trouble with the ol dish washer eh? They just don’t train em like they used to.
http://fm.cnbc.com/applications/cnbc.com/resources/img/editorial/2012/04/04/46955580-worst-jobs-2012-dishwasher.jpg

Doktor Zymm

I know. Mine doesn’t even have a moustache.

entropy

Still awful nice of you to clean his pipes.

Doktor Zymm

Noblesse Oblige

litre_cola

This thread has been fantastic.

King Hippo

CONGRESSMAN!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet that after two or three weeks Jim Bob Cooter will rip off his mask it and it will turn out to have been Larry the Cable Guy the whole time.

makeitsnowondem

Whitlock Update: Whitlock’s out here mumbling through a double cheeseburger about hypocrisy because some people reacted differently to Greg Hardy getting physical with his coach than they did to Dez Bryant trying to pump up his team.

John Difool
John Difool
blackroseMD1

Jim Bob Cooter can’t be his real name, right? I grew up in Arkansas and never met anyone with a name that absolutely ridiculous.

litre_cola

Jim Bob Cooter? Did I hear that properly?

entropy

Jim Bob Cooter is a fake name, right? The guy sounds like the 3rd villain from a Don Swayze movie.

blackroseMD1

Breaking News: Greg Hardy is an asshole!

The Maestro

So I figured the reason why Baltimore has been so fucking shitty this year.

It’s all due to Joe Flacco’s endorsement of Haribo Gummy Bears.

Proof? Oh, we’ve got proof. He’s literally shitting the bed out there, akin to a certain product…

http://scienceblogs.com/startswithabang/files/2013/08/GBC1.jpg

And in case anyone wants more proof, check this out: http://www.buzzfeed.com/michaelrusch/haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-are-the-most-insane-thin

Redshirt

Heh. Lightweight. I have that every other week, but you don’t here me complaining.

JustStopDude

I got to call it a night you freaks….

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/10/07/article-0-06B80E01000005DC-858_634x286.jpg

I got a bunch of customers I need to train all week long…and sadly I went through over half the material I have to cover just today…I have zero fucking clue how I am going to fill up 32 hours….

Old School Zero

Rock on.

Redshirt

Would the smart thing to be to snap the ball to the QB with two seconds left and tell him to throw it into the Parking Lot?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Personally, I’d punt, but I’d tell the punter to kick it out of bounds.”

– Tom Coughlin

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Not cool to bring up Henry and immediately follow it with a parking lot comment

Redshirt

Not my intension. I remember the good player who tried to turn his life around; not the one last bad day.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Oh. I was not being sincere. Totally meant the asshole version of that comment.

Redshirt

I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

Sharkbait

…The big toaster??

The fuck are you talking about Berman??

John Difool

One of those red heat lights on a timer in the bathroom at HoJo?

Redshirt

I’m kind of on the fence here with Palmer walking out on Cincinnati. On one hand, the front office didn’t do their part in getting him good players or good coaching. On the other hand, the front office wasn’t the one constantly overthrowing Ochocinco, Houshmandzadah, Henry or T.O. every other third down.

Ever since he blew his knee out, he wasn’t the same guy. Once he hurt his elbow, he was even worse.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, and it was really hard to overthrow Henry when he was standing in that truck

blordinaryfagicmox

His complaints about the Bengals organization being incompetent I can tolerate, but his slights against Ohio State football will not stand!

Martin

He won a Heisman as the QB for USC. What the fuck did you expect?

blordinaryfagicmox

Well now we at least know that ohio state is better at covering up their cheating scandals with money, while usc just turned to the drink.

Martin

I haven’t even visited Ohio to my recollection and hope I never have to. Fuck that state and fuck THE Ohio State in its shitter—Cleveland.

Old School Zero

Along with being a Super Bowl Champion*, the other thing I have in common with Joe Flacco is that I love white rice.

*May not be 100% accurate

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Joe is very fond of white rice, but he wouldn’t go so far as to say he “loves” it.

Martin

Aw, fuck. There’s still another half?

Sharkbait

Home stretch. We can do it.

John Difool

-Guy who just got half of a knife plunged into his abdomen

entropy

No, Ray Lewis doesn’t play for the Ravens any more.

litre_cola

Have you heard of DrafyDuelKings? Never mind this week by week shit, you can play fantasy by the drive. Larry from Wichita won 38 million dollard on that last drive.

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck Larry from Wichita; I won a hundred billion dollars from Zimbabwe a few comments ago.

JustStopDude

The Ravens don’t struggle with the 2 minute drill Jon…they struggle with EVERYTHING!!!!

blackroseMD1

Well shit…

At least it wasn’t Fitz scoring there.

Horatio Cornblower

A false sacrifice to Bleergh!? Aw no, shit’s gonna get real now!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

7 penalties to 1? Clearly Bleergh favors the Ravens.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Beergh certainly favors some teams over others. His hatred of the Patriots is well known, rarely are they blessed with his favor.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t want to contradict Gruden but if it’s a “power play” I would think Arizona’s blocking scheme wouldn’t involve letting three Ravens into the backfield untouched.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Unless it’s a [*Redacted] ’s power play, in which case it involves getting the owner’s favorite QB injured so you can start Kirk Cousins.

Horatio Cornblower

I thought a [*Redacted] s’ power play involved luring a megalomaniac into dividing his forces and attacking a vastly superior enemy on its home turf.

Martin

There’s the Carson Palmer I remember.

King Hippo

Not CJ2K’s fault there. TRY AGAIN!!

Sharkbait

So, 0/4 so far.

Doktor Zymm

How’s the game?

No clog in the hose, the pump works fine and water is getting to the end of the drainage hose. It drains into the same pipe as the sink, and the sink drains fine, so the best I can tell there’s maybe a clog in the short length of pipe that goes from the hose to the main drain pipe. I poked at it with a wire and hangar and am now running a rinse only cycle to see if that worked. It’s a narrow pipe, and the water here does have a high mineral content.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, the House Republicans don’t think you can be trusted with that wire hanger

Doktor Zymm

So THAT’S where baby dishwashers come from!

entropy

You see… When a washing machine and a dryer love each other very much, they give each other a very special hug….

Sharkbait

Defund Planned Plumbing.

Brick Meathook

Speaking a a former engineer on a nuclear submarine, I must say that I am impressed with your casualty response protocol.

JustStopDude

Oh god…a freaking sub nuke?!?

You can’t use the toilet without a 12 volume manual and written permission from two supervisors…

Brick Meathook

That’s the rumor.

entropy

Let’s put it like this: you’re probably going to find more gold in that pipe than you will in this game.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Lots of Arizona trying to lose a game they will end up winning. Not as much Flacco derp as expected but it was there

JustStopDude

Assuming a plastic hose…maybe rubber. You want to be careful before you use anything that could damage it.

I am of the school that shit like Drano should never be used.

I would recommend trying to get vinegar into the hose to dissolve the hard deposits.

JustStopDude

Derp…how did I do this?!?

JustStopDude

The original Miller Lite bottle…think of it like a mini-40!

The Maestro

So I just got home from work. Anyone care to explain how in the fuck Baltimore is ahead?

JustStopDude

Food poisoning…took out about 30% of the Arizona starting lineup on both sides of the ball…

John Difool

Well, see what happened is…. what took place was…..

entropy

Is too much… Lemme sum up….

blackroseMD1

For the love of Cthulhu, let CJ2K score here. I need the fantasy points.

King Hippo

Turning him into a non-vultured RB2 would change the trajectory of my season, fo sho

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If Arizona scores here, can I go to bed?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If you honestly believe that Arizona will stop going out of its way to keep them game close, then yes.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I’m going either way.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, that’s probably a smart call. This football-like substance isn’t cutting it tonight.