Oh wow, that was glorious. Week 13 reminded us why we love this shit, warts and all. Exciting games, comebacks, REALLY unexpected stuff, back and forth contests, and sweet sweet P*ts Schadenfreude. If you missed it for non-juju related reasons (hat tip to Moonbatting Average) you should feel really bad.

And remember, the week already started with a Thursday night game that ended on a successful untimed down Hail Mary. Just fucking bonkers.

You may recall from last week, we left the Rams for dead. And they fucking stayed dead. Despite a very sluggish start, Arizona cruised to a 27-3 victory. David Johnson scored through the air, and former practice squadder Kerwynn Williams did so on the ground (leading Scott Hansen to make an awful pun that I shan’t repeat).

The Browns? Also very much still dead. Cincy’s field trip to the Factory couldn’t have been more enjoyable, as only a very sad 2-minute drill before the half averted the shutout in a 37-3 pasting.

Similarly, Denver went on the road and let its defense do the talking (and half the touchdowning) in a dull 17-3 win over the lifeless Chargers. However, an Osweiler pickerception and McManus badly shanked FG (albeit from 52 yards) did not make the author happy as the playoffs loom. As things stand, the #1 seed would be on the line when the Bungles invade Mile High in Week 16’s MNF matchup. EXCITING!

YES, that means Dreamboat actually went down in flames to Chip Kelly’s dumpster fire at home. Injuries? Cry me a fucking river. It’s the goddamned Iggles. 2 special teams scores and a 100+ yard pick-6 helped build a 35-14 lead. But whatever blood moon must be in Jupiter’s alignment (or other weirdo shit I don’t understand) produced a quick score, onsides kick recovery, and score, pulling Satan’s Team within 7 at the 3 minute mark…with 2 timeouts remaining. But America’s favourite nagger fighter saved the day, first swatting onside redux out of bounds, then making a nifty catch on 3rd and 13. But Chip being Chip, he kept handing the ball to untested Oregon alum Kenjon Barner, who fumbled on the next 3rd down (with the P*ts out of timeouts), so instead of 20-25 seconds, Dreamboat had over a minute and thusly a ghost of a chance.

BUT DARKEST TIMELINE DID NAWT HAPPEN. Oh, delicious Masshole tears. MOAR PLEAZ!!!

Back to the NFC, perhaps the game of the day was Panthers/Saints. N’Awlins ran out to a 14-zip lead, and Cam looked kinda shitty. Then Cam got untracked, and it looked like it would be a runaway for the Panthers. Then, Ted Ginn got involved, and Breesus was risen. Back and forth the entire last 20 minutes or so. A fantastic 4th down conversion right at the 2-minute warning (both the scramble by Cam to keep the play alive and the catch by Greg Olsen) turned the game for good, with Newton lasering the winning score to an old man with an Old Testament (Chanukah! Topical!!) name. 41-38 is your final, my condolences if you started either defense.

The New Jersey teams played a pretty entertaining (if derpy) game in the early window as well, with the J-E-T-S overcoming lots and lots of early Jetsing to win in overtime, 23-20. It’s a shame that Coughlin for once did the mathematically correct thing by going for a 4th and 2 near the goal line in the 4th quarter (making it ends the game, and the Jets would have been more aggresive in going for the TD if they had been down 13 when they kicked the short FG at the 5-6 minute mark, so I disagree that the G-Men would have likely won had he taken the points), only to have Elisha throw a pick and have the decision surely criticized in the NY press. The end result is the Jets look mighty good for an AFC wild card (along with the Chefs and Stillers, but only 2 ducats are available) and the Giants are getting pretty close to fucked in the NFC East (grading on a curve will only stretch so far).

Operation Falcons Implosion is now complete with their shittastic loss in Tampa. As a result, Carolina clinched the division before taking the field.

Speaking of implosion, the Vikings shat themselves again at home against a comparable NFC opponent (see also the Green Bay tilt). 38-7 is just fucking embarrassing, especially when the 7 is on a kickoff return. I was ready to give you a pass for the first one, Minny, but this is looking like a trend.

Even the meaningless games were pretty awesome today. Allen Robinson? Have yourself a day. Still, Team of Destiny lost the game and its moniker in Nashville, 42-39. Many extra points went awry. Marcus Mariota also had like an 87-yard RUSHING touchdown. I don’t know whether to be mre impressed with him, or sad for the Jaguras’ defense.

Bears and 49ers? Also pretty great! Bears score late. THE FLOW counters with a magnificent rushing TD. But too fast, and Chicago is in position for a medium range game winning FG for the normally reliable Robbie Gould. SHANK. Catler does squat with his OT possession, and THE FLOW has seen enough of this noise, launching a deep bomb for the winner. Just hilarious shit. As I noted in the RiveBrog, Tomsula will eat dinner at Denny’s tonight AND not wash dishes in the back afterwards.

I wouldn’t exactly call Ratbirds/Fins great, but it was kinda/sorta interesting at the end. Of course, Schaub threw a pick-6, which I am just gonna start calling a Schaub. DeVante Parker caught a TD, for all you brave souls (like ME!) who started him. Balmer’s kicker missed the 55-yarder that woulda won it.

Buffalo beat Houston 30-21. I honestly noticed nothing about this game.

Derek Carr morphed into big brother in the second half, and in so doing, the Raiders’ season is essentially over. Kansas City gets its 6th win in a row. This game featured THREE consecutive missed extra points. Neither weather nor field conditions were a factor. JEEBUS.

In the nightcap, The Ben found his footing about midway through the 2nd quarter and an ass-whipping quickly ensued. I will assume it continued (despite last week’s glorious surprise) after crashing at 28-10.