A Modest Pro(Bowl)posal

Let’s face it: Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl.

The game itself inspires about as much enthusiasm – and has approximately the same stakes – as an average Texans game.  After an entire season of having their bodies pummeled, players have little interest in subjecting themselves to further punishment, and have similarly little interest in dealing out such punishment to their fellow players – many of whom are their friends and colleagues.  Even at its inception the Pro Bowl has never been a particularly competitive, and these days it has devolved into a halfhearted display of poorly prepared trick plays and general indifference.  I’ve seen more hotly contested games when my family plays at Thanksgiving.  KISS MY ASS UNCLE RICK THAT BALL HIT THE TURF AND YOU KNOW IT!

In order to increase the level of competitiveness – and of course to leverage this into HIGHER VIEWERSHIP – the NFL recently added the gimmick of naming a pair of honorary captains to choose the teams, rather than simply sorting players by conference.  This gimmick has failed.  It is my contention that the NFL needs to institute MORE gimmicks – in fact, changing the Pro Bowl entirely from a glorified flag football game into something much more exciting and enjoyable for players and viewers alike: a relay race.

First off, how to decide the teams?  Well, in this incarnation, there are FOUR teams instead of just two.  Each team would consist of players from teams that finished in a similar position in each division; i.e. players from teams that finished in fourth place in their respective division (Dolphins, Chargers, Browns, Titans, Cowboys, 49ers, Bears, Buccaneers) would form one squad, etc.  The advantage of this is that it prevents divisional rivalries from disrupting team cohesion, ensures a decent rotation of players from year to year, and also gives an advantage to the weakest team, whose players have had more time to rest and recuperate leading up to the event.  An event which would consist of two days of activity:

SATURDAY: For many of us, the NFL Skills Competition was our favorite part of the Pro Bowl weekend.  So it’s my proposal that the NFL start with that as a foundation.  Set up a series of skills competitions that are based around several key positions (quarterback, offensive skill players, defensive skill players, and trench players) and film each live as they happen throughout the day on Saturday and can be edited/packaged for rebroadcast prior to the final race on Sunday.  Each team is assigned a start time based on how their teams perform; the team who has the highest aggregate performance goes first; the second, third, and fourth teams sit for successively longer delays.

SUNDAY: Modern game shows like American Ninja Warrior and Wipeout have demonstrated that there’s one thing that American audiences absolutely love: watching people fall down.  Into water, if possible.  The relay race aspect of the “Pro Bowl” will maximize this to the highest degree possible.  Events in the relay race could include things like requiring a quarterback to throw a ball to a receiver who is jumping from one platform to another (over water), or having a “fat guy touchdown run” obstacle course.  A fat guy tricycle race could be great too.  Maybe a Tarzan swing of some kind.

And what are the relevant stakes to make this all worth it?  In a game with this many players, bragging rights are meaningless.  And most of the players good enough to make the Pro Bowl are getting paid enough that any prize money would be peanuts.  Instead, how about the winning teams each receive one (or more) “draft coupons” that allow them to move up several positions in the draft?  Moving around in the first round would probably be a bit much, but having a team be able to jump two or three positions could add some spice to the later rounds of the NFL Draft, making THAT event potentially more interesting.

What say you? What ideas do you have for wacky skills competitions and relay race events?