Your “Finally!” And “It’s All Over After This?!” Super Bowl Open Thread

Well, somehow we made it. I’m so glad that we didn’t have to turn the car around due to bad behavior. Does everyone know which teams are playing? That’s what I thought. Between that and Hippo’s excellent breakdown of the game I’ve nothing to say about that end of things but I would like to share with you some “behind the scenes” tidbits about this very site that I think you might be interested in. I’m not going to name names…just yet.

Way back in 2007 the founder of this site, a grizzled, PTSD-wracked veteran of 3 tours of the second invasion of Iraq (anyone that has a beef with this version of events can take it up with me in the boardroom tomorrow morning) decided that there should be a new-ish football site. With a ton of moxy and just one good arm he created “Abandon Hope All Ye Football Fans That Enter”. That site was a disaster. I mean, it was right there in the title. Who the hell would want to join? Years later, after his extended recuperation at the St. Tunison Sanitarium For The Hopeless he decided to give it one more go.

It was a super-tough haul, putting this site together with nothing more than used scotch tape and pigeon feathers but he got the damn thing to work. But would Door Flies Open fly? A number of lawyers flocked to the site but it was immediately apparent that as a result, the site lacked “any sense of a moral compass”, according to internet pundits. At that point the site was opened up to almost everyone. Normal people came to the site in the dozens-including yours truly.

What followed was a ton of hard work. Night after night, huddled together in a dumpster underneath a single street lamp, we batted around the questions. “How can we take this site to the next level?” and “Is no one going to throw some pizza crusts in here?-I’m hungry!” and “Could you please not urinate on my pizza crust?”. We learned a lot about each other. Who knew that someone could be triggered by two exclamation marks but not one or three? And the hygiene, OH, THE PERSONAL HYGIENE!

So here we are now. We’ve morphed into a mid-major behemoth of a football-specific website that is bound to knock off a #2 or #3 ranked site as soon as we’re allowed back into the tourney. “Ongoing Pattern of Irregular Prescriptions”, my ass. The Internet is clearly out to get “The Little Site That Could”. We’ll survive and thrive…and maybe, just maybe, I can finally get that $12 Toys R Us coupon I was promised at the outset…

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I have never taken an HGH injection, I prefer to put my dead fetuses in a blender and drink it.

Doktor Zymm

scrambled, with hot sauce

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Eddie the Eagle is gonna be terrible.

Doktor Zymm

Damn, I should have stolen more compressed air from my old work.

Sill Bimmons

Seriously.

That stuff’s like canned gold.

JustStopDude

So…I’m guessing that Pey-pey isn’t going to be asked about his Amazon care packages of animal hormones…

JustStopDude

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IT WAS MENTIONED!?!

I am shocked!

JustStopDude
ballsofsteelandfury

Imgur blows.

Redshirt

Right click and open in new tap or folder. Oh, and brace yourself.

Spanky Datass

Yes it does. If you can move all of your imgur (knows nothing of imgur) to tumblr and use the tumblr mosaic viewer it’s really handy.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I made it through like 20 min of pregrame with only 1 cig break before I started spamming pics. That Cam interview was painful to watch. My point is have another Rashida Jones pic

http://projectshanks.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Rashida-Jones-7.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

I applaud this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh is that what that repetitive noise is?
/not judging

Redshirt

No, I am not yawning. I am not getting tired.

DAMN YOU COLD AND BRONCHITIS!!!!!

Sill Bimmons

Been chugging coffee all day.

Trying to get off the Red Bull because it’s so damned expensive.

ballsofsteelandfury

Try Monster. It’s cheaper and there’s greater variety.

Sill Bimmons

Still way more expensive than coffee.

Spur

Someone tell Larry King that wasn’t a Super Bowl memory

Sill Bimmons

I still…I mean…who…why…

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John Difool

Here’s two African American quarterbacks I can’t compare you to Cam- Warren Moon and Doug Williams. Both who didn’t have the pussy-protection rules in place like you do, both possessed, equal or better arm strength than you and one broke records in a Super bowl you never will.
Christ, I liked Cam before this interview but this guy is going full victimhood here.
Fuck You Cam, you’re not the first black quarterback who’s ever gone to a Super bowl but you’re sure acting like it.

JustStopDude

To his credit, if I had to put up with the bullshit thrown his way that is nothing but thinly veiled racism, I would have been bounced out of the league my first season.

I honestly don’t know how he doesn’t lose his shit on the media constantly.

John Difool

Granted but he’s acting like he’s the first man on the moon as far as black quarterbacks when he’s Edgar fucking Mitchell.

Sill Bimmons

TOO SOON

Spur

Unless he steals your laptop, I don’t know how anyone can hate Cam Newton.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

GO HAWKS!

Oh, sorry…wrong site. My mistake.

Ahem.

Why are you all staring? Stop looking at me! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!

The Maestro

Redshirt

Based on what I’ve heard, if Denver wins, Vegas loses.

Doktor Zymm

For serious? People are taking that side of the line?

ballsofsteelandfury

Sex Panther Report #5 – I am…. how do I put this?

http://www.thetshirtgame.com/slixhellohorny.gif

I feel bourble is coming…

Sill Bimmons

Or pourble, as the case may be.

Doktor Zymm

Awww, you’re partying like a freshman.

ballsofsteelandfury

And, like a freshman, this will end in masturbation.

Shogun Marcus

Depending on how many, attempted masturbation.

...

I am so full of beer.

SO FULL OF BEER.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am assuming this is an attempt at a Rashida Jones pic, I got one for you since it yours didn’t show up

http://whattowatchatlunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/rashida.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

It was actually a pic of her mom. Rashida is better.

Spur

Superman destroyed Metropolis, why would they give him a statue?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

They’re sucking up. You never know what he might destroy next.

Sill Bimmons

OK.

So.

I needed to eat up a couple lines there to make sure you see this.

Here is is, the single most Jersey thing of all time:

http://www.mjxpressions.com

This is not a joke. It is less than five miles from my house.

I am terrified.

comment image?mw=1920&mh=1080&q=70

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Well boys, I’m going to be one those idiots heading to the grocery store an hour before kickoff. If I don’t come back, you can have my beer.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

But not my DFO share, that shit is being passed down to my family.

ballsofsteelandfury

Don’t forget the chips!

Spanky Datass

Could you pick me up some cocktail onions … I ate the who jar.

Spanky Datass

*whole jar.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is that some kinda dirty Dr. Seuss euphemism?

John Difool

Shoulda been vs this:
http://www.fanboy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/bob-black-hole.jpg
Well, fucked that up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Spanky Datass
Kungjitsu

Brett Favre looks like a terrorist.

King Hippo

HOLY FUCKBALLS, what an excellent intro.

LIVE UP TO IT, game of footy.

Spur

The Puppy Bowl has become horribly overproduced…
Remember when it was just puppies running around?

Sill Bimmons

They sold out to Iams, bro.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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JustStopDude

Batman vs Superman looks so fucking bad.

I can’t wait!

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s really a shame they couldn’t bring out the BatNipples for this one.

Doktor Zymm

Bats are mammals, it’s realistic!

Redshirt

They’re trying to do Avengers, but they don’t realize that the characters were already established in their own movies before they did the movie.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am going into this game assuming me watching the Islanders crushing Edmonton 8 to 1 on mute while watching crappy TV on my computer will have been a better spent 3 hours (to be fair watching any of the constantly overpraised Canadian teams losing badly always brings me joy)

Redshirt

It too bad its not going to rain during Super Bowl 50. The jokes would have written themselves.

JustStopDude

Wow that stadium is so high tech. Just imagine all the different ways you can sit there and not pay attention to the game you spend a shitload of money to go to!

ballsofsteelandfury

Sex Panther Report #4 – I am comfortably buzzed and I haven’t even finished the first beer. I may pass out before the game starts.

Sill Bimmons
Brick Meathook

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John Difool

This game will star a black man and a dented up robot, Pacific Rim 2?

Spur
Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Spanky Datass

sup
i had a giant burger with fried egg and bacon for brunch

Sill Bimmons

yo

i had a four-egg omelette and i liked it so much i had another

Kungjitsu

I don’t think Melissa Stark is very good at her job.

Spur

She’s quite good at giving me a hardon.

Doktor Zymm

The last game. We’ll be let down easy, with some playoff hockey and March Madness….and then….the long, long slog across the invisible mind dust of baseball.

Redshirt

I don’t follow hockey. I can’t handle the hiatus. I can’t handle the boring February.

I gotta get out of here. I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!

Sill Bimmons

Learn hockey.

Seriously.

You’ve got a pro team and everything.

Redshirt

I tried in the 90s. I don’t hate it; I just don’t like it.

I indifferent it.

Sill Bimmons

We’ll do a Ice Stillers/Ice Buckeyes rivebrog next time they play, March 11.

Horatio Cornblower

Pitchers and catchers report in 10 days.

Suck it heathens.

Redshirt

I’m a Reds fan. The Sports Gods hate Cincinnati. Also, the teams’ owners apparently.

...

HAHAHA. I’m going to subject you to so much Cubs.

Horatio Cornblower

Rashida Jones as a new show called ‘Angie Tribeca’ and Sarah Chalke is going to a guest star on it.

That’s enough for me to buy stock in hand lotion.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is it racist that I thought Rashida Jones was black?

Sill Bimmons

She is.

She’s Quincy Jones’ daughter.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Has anyone actually watched any of this yet?
It is yet another that looked intriguing enough to load up the dvr, but I haven’t heard enough good things yet to actually spend time on it.

CBS pregame, brought to you by Wolf Cola.

Spur

Did you guys now Tony Gonzalez used to play basketball?

John Difool

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and goyles…dyin’ time’s he’ah…….HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ ?

Moonbatting Average

Broncos 27, Panthers 23

That’s about as optimistic as I can be. Y’all excuse me while I prepare my anus. Anus preparation is consisting of making a giant pot of beef stock and mowing the lawn (it’s been a little warm in Dallas this winter)

Redshirt

It must suck to be made Inactive for a Super Bowl. You’re on the 53-man Roster. You’ve dreamed of playing in this game. And you wearing pants with your pad-less jersey wearing a baseball hat.

So there’s going to be 5 minutes of actual football right?

Redshirt

I see Scotchnaut has been drinking early today.

Redshirt

Reading the preview. It was either that or you had a psychotic break.

Spanky Datass

I made a double Bombay Sapphire East martini that is so dirty it’s illegal in the Bible belt.

Spur

So, how many days till next season?

Spanky Datass

Not sure, this damn thing has been busted for a long while.
http://howmanydaysuntilfootball.com/

Senor Weaselo

Woo! Only another hour and a half before the teams are introduced and the 20-minute countdown to kickoff starts!

Does Turkish Airlines have a Fez class?

They do have gorgeous flight attendants. I flew to Istanbul last year and it was a wonderful flight. Great service, awesome entertainment options, and comfy seats.

Gratliff

Every time someone eats Pizza Hut, I am amazed that they do not immediately vomit.

Spur

Let’s do this dick-slappers!

Shogun Marcus

PANTS BE GONE! Let us commence adolescent jokery and adult beverages with social commentary. Once more unto the breach.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I started my drinking early like a responsible DFO member but I can’t bring myself to care about this game. I mean obviously I am gonna watch it but my heart will not be into it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Just like Archer watching Lana

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Shogun Marcus

Yes. Exactly. As long as it’s a decent game, I’m fine. Though for good King Hippo I could give a slight care for his donks.

Gratliff

Seal can’t sing anymore.

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