Training camp is a long way off, and mock drafts are for the twisted and depraved. So you can fill that time with alcohol, drugs, extreme macramé, and waiting for each installment of Hard Ride to Nowhere, or you could attend a baseball game. (Forget watching baseball on TV, I tried that once, got shit-hammered on Bulleitt bourbon and Miller Lite (yes, I’m a plebian) and woke up in Secaucus with a tattoo of the Andrews Sisters on my chest.)
Let me present this how to guide, and by no means should it be taken as gospel truth. I do submit that this process has been field tested. (As you read this article, imagine that I don’t have children, a wife, a dog, or other responsibilities – I do an excellent job at this kind of imagining.)
- Pick a good ballpark to visit. I live in Baltimore, and Camden Yards is amazing. You want a bar that serves fans, and offers stupid ass drink specials. (Whenever I go to a professional sporting event, I buy my best friend and me shots of Fireball. He hates it, but will drink it because I talk shit like we’re back in high school at a keg party.)
- Think about your food options. You want to have a good base to absorb some of the alcohol, but not so much that you spend $200 on ballpark liquor and/or beer. Check in advance to see if you can bring eats into the park. This can save you money, which can be spent on ballpark liquor and/or beer.
- Get a good buzz going – this is nothing new to you DFOers. I would expect the majority of DFOers to smash down a handle of Popov vodka and still be able to land a 747 in a blinding Wisconsin snowstorm. Getting your brain into “game mode” is vital to enjoying what could be a pitcher’s duel.
- Now get into the park, walk around and enjoy the sights. (If I’m not being clear, enjoy watching females in summer clothes, walking around and being drunk and flirty. They will not be wearing yoga pants, they save those for football games.)
- Find your seats, this is confusing because you will be half in the bag thanks to your favorite ballpark liquor and/or beer. Luckily, there are ushers dressed in goofy uniforms – Camden Yards ushers are on average 83 years old, have more hair in their noses and ears than on their heads, and hate fans like Mrs. Fozz hates me after a home Ravens game.
- Soak in the field. Seriously, the field at a baseball game combines the landscape beauty of a graveyard, golf course, and a snotty ass country club’s front lawn. The dirt is always a perfect shade of brown – like a good stout, or chocolate drizzled over Kate Upton’s boobs.
- Get a scorecard, look at it, realize that filling out a scorecard at a baseball game is rewarding to shut-ins, the mentally deranged, and fat guys who live in their parents’ basement and collect anime DVDs and sorority girls who fell into traps that were hidden in the front yard.
- Start watching the game. If people around you start talking boring baseball strategy drivel, where they cite stats and similar game situations that occurred at Ebbets Field on June 4, 1934, you can legally punch them in the face. Or ingest more of your preferred ballpark liquor and/or beer.
- Begin to heckle. Do not be choosy. You can heckle players, managers, little kids, the mascots, and even older women. Do not heckle the guy selling beer. Please refrain from reenacting the scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Be original.
- Consider leaving, you’ve watched a few innings, and it’s 0-0. It’s hot and humid. The ass and crotch area of your shorts resembles a mangrove swamp in Florida. Go find an air conditioned bar and discuss the chances of your favorite football team for the upcoming season while practicing your hatred for the Patriots.
Hey, I do the scorecard, and I’m only KIND of a shut-in, and only a SLIGHT kind of mentally deranged! Actually scratch that, definitely more than slight, considering I did an All-Star Game scorecard. It was the 2008 15-inning game. I ran out of paper after 12 or 13, including the stats boxes and had to make the call of “I’m not buying another program for a scorecard for potentially one inning.”
But it was also the best night at the ballpark ever for a 16-year old Senor. I got home at like 4 and didn’t have a voice for a week.
/Hit the ball to Uggla
The Vet for Phillies games in high school was the best.
$5 general admission, $5 round trip on the R5 with a free transfer to the Broad Street Line on game days.
The Vet more than earned its reputation as a drunken brawl in a toilet, but for most Phillies games it was totally relaxed. Up in the right field nosebleed seats you could make it so you were practically alone in an entire section anyway. Interaction with other fans during the game was on a strictly voluntary basis. You could bring your own food and drinks so we had Thermoses full of a mixture of Banker’s Club vodka and Tang that we honestly called “Riot Punch.”
http://www.drinkswap.com/images/da/11107.jpg
Good times.
1. My home town has a really, really nice Triple A park (Phillies affiliate, so I have to hate it on a certain level), with a decent beer selection and lots of fun promotions. I even threw out a first pitch a few weeks after my mom died, so I have a soft spot for the park.
2. I have gotten in FAR too much trouble down at Citizens Bank Park, and I almost always start in the parking lot, taunting phillies fans and dkrinking too much and avoiding food because that would just ruin all the good work I’d already put into drinking.
3. Actually watching baseball from the Park is a great time until you stumble across ANY team’s resident superfan; then you have to just chug your beer and wander elsewhere until you forget all about that asshole.
I hadn’t chunked in over two years. I puked four times from 12:30-3:00. There’s no indication it’s over yet, either. Couldn’t even hold in water. Was dizzy, shivering. Sitting here, sipping Pedialite, and hoping this doesn’t rekindle the beast within.
That just sounds awful. Hope you feel better soon.
Yikes.
Feel better brah!
As a parent, one learns to ALWAYS hoard promethazine. Lord knows you will need it for all the unholy stomach bugs your body will process the first 2-3 years until immunity kicks in.
Zika
I just e-mailed by first dorky lineup combo (defense first whilst Jhonny and Holliday are hurt) to one of my fellow BFIB.
Yes, I hate myself the appropriate amount.
Tommy Pham WOO!!!!!
I love Camden Yards and am always appreciative that it’s home to my team.
Another WBS original photo fwiw…this from last summer while waiting out a rain delay, overlooking monument park just beyond left center field at Camden Yards.
In spite of hating people, I love to people watch (and photo). Happened to catch this schlub appearing to point at Jim Palmer’s ass. Yes, the title is “Hey Look!! Jim Palmer Has a Great Ass!!!!”
And indeed he does (did?) according to all of my female friends who ever saw him pitch.
http://orig13.deviantart.net/bfec/f/2015/215/5/6/hey_look____jim_palmer_s_got_a_great_ass____by_wufpacker-d943it0.jpg
Sometimes, life actually does provide you with heroes.
People who go so far above and beyond the call of duty that you can do nothing but stand in awe of their accomplishments.
I am, of course, speaking of these intrepid souls:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/mens-underwear-photos_us_56d9ffd4e4b0000de404b38a
Godspeed, you Princes of Briefs, you Kings of The Boxer.
PANTSLESS OF THE WORLD UNTIE
http://media.giphy.com/media/9TYJ7fMMkENQA/giphy.gif
Re 4: For best scenic viewing at Safeco Field, go to either the garlic fries stand or the ice cream bites stand. You will not be disappointed.
Also, bring sunscreen and get up to walk around for scenery and booze every other inning to avoid sun stroke. Comrades, you do not want to get sun-stroke.
Here’s my Safeco visit story from two years ago:
The Jays were in town playing the M’s and it was like a 70-30 Jays crowd. I was in the nosebleeds with my friends having a some pops when this older woman walked up to us and asked us why there were so many Canadians here. I replied because Vancouver is really close to Seattle and this was the one trip the Jays are making to Seattle. The woman than said she had NO IDEA Canada was so close to Seattle, to which I said we’re about a 60 minute drive away and we’re invading Seattle. She had a horrified look on her face and walked away. #Coolstorybro
Holy shit! Maria Sharapova failed a drug test!
http://regretfulmorning.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/28-Sexiest-Pictures-Of-Maria-Sharapova-01-699×1024.jpg
Please be ecstasy, please be ecstasy, please be ecstasy….
/books tickets to Russia just in case
The drug she claims she used sounds like a cover for E
If PK taught me nothing, it’s that the sun must be respected.
/PK has taught me nothing.
I sat through what ended up being (at the time) the longest rain delay in Blue Jays history. You can’t put a price on memories like that.
The only thing better than that, is having a ticket for their last or second to last row of the stadium. It’s definitely not for people with a fear of heights.
I sat in the last row of the Skydome about five years ago. Eight of us buddies from school were there. We were absolutely shittered. It was a great day.
I love this man.
http://deadspin.com/deangelo-williams-has-petty-and-righteous-thoughts-abou-1763341000
I sincerely believe that if he hadn’t gotten injured the Steelers would have won the Super Bowl last year and De would have been the MVP.
NEXT YEAR DE
???
???
Great work, JJFozz.
Having been a beer vendor at a baseball stadium for 23 years, I would offer the following ‘enjoyability’ hints:
1. Go to a minor league game (even if you live near a MLB team).
Tickets are always cheaper, and there’s probably a stadium within an hour’s drive, away from the nightmare of downtown traffic. There’s usually some insane promotion, “dollar beer nights”, some gargantuan menu item you can goad someone into eating, and sweet looking ladies looking to land themselves a player or just show off their bod for 3 hours. All of that makes for a treat to the eyes. Plus, at the single- or double-A level, the attempts to overachieve usually result in some delightful miscues.
2. Don’t go alone.
That shit’s just sad. Where I worked, we became the first stop on boys, and girls, nights out. Having friends around can make the breaks in between action bearable.
3. Buy a program & learn a name.
If you’re going to heckle, get the name right. Chances are, there’s a relative in the crowd, so if you’re going to be cutting, at least also be correct.
Also, tip your server.
In the Chicago area, we call that minor league team “the White Sox.”
I’ve been to a couple Albuquerque Isotopes games. Either #1 doesn’t apply or I was dragged to the worst fucking games ever.
What I’m saying is that I cannot even comprehend how to enjoy baseball.
As someone who worked as a beer vendor for a minor league team, I agree 100% with this. If you get loose change, you should tip your server if they gave you a good pour and good service. A quarter to a dollar in change you get back is nothing to you, but means a lot to them. Also, they’ll treat you even better next time.
Where?
Nat Bailey Stadium for the C’s
Then you should recognize my avatar. We’ve totally crossed paths – I was there 1991-2013.
At least in this thread, I can’t increase the size of your avatar, but I’ll assume it’s the Nat. You should go to the Nat now that they’ve done the renos. It looks really nice.
We definitely crossed paths. I’d like to think you were a generous tipper when I was making either vodka lemonades or Caesars and as a result, you were one of the people that. . . hypothetically got free poured vodka shots in exchange for a tip and silence.
Not buying drinks, but I sold beer walking through the stands. One of the guys with trays that lived under the stands. But a good tipper because I’ve been poorly tipped too many times.
Agree with everything but keeping score.
I like to keep score because it gives me something else to do and because most people don’t know how to do it so it gives me something to teach.
http://www.lakecountrymuseum.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/1952-Baseball-scorecard.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrizqulUgl1qh59n0o2_250.gif
It really is one of those things that people are amazed by, on par with knowing sign language. “Oh, you know how to KEEP SCORE?”
Except it also makes you in charge of keeping the “books” for the 3rd grade girls coach-pitch softball team, where you score everything as a hit because you can’t charge any errors when you legitimately don’t expect the girls to make ANY play in the field.
That second part would only apply to me if things went pervy.
“Sweetie, that’s nice that you didn’t make an error but your range factor is shit.” – Bill James
You can also amaze people if you can keep score in bowling the old fashioned way. Damn technology took away a niche industry.
I did that for my Little League team when we were at bat and I wasn’t up, or after I finished pitching that day. I’m also pretty sure I’m my league’s season and all-time leader in successful “he missed the base” appeals.
I’m with Sill on this. My mom taught me how to keep score as a kid, and it’s been a great way for me to bond with 80 year olds who need me to fill them in on what happened on the field while they went to the bathroom.
Seven step-offs or pickoff attempts, four foul balls, two visits to the mound by the catcher, and one broken bat exchanged for a new one… that’s what happened while they went to the bathroom.
I got to be an official scorekeeper for 6 games at the minor league level. Little League me was thrilled that my name is in the official record books at Elias Sports.
sup Will Leitch
Let’s not say things we can’t take back…
I have no idea what it’s like at other stadiums, but tailgaiting is awesome with a good group and decent weather. The next best thing would be to get a ride from a bar that has a shuttle so you don’t have to worry about parking – and if you live near the bar, you don’t have to worry about how much you drink!
Spring Training is here and all I can say is, I think the players should have to wear the jersey of the team to which they are currently slated. So, for example, if I’m rolling up to some split squad action and you’re going to trounce out the guys with jersey numbers 76 through 99 with no names on the back, just go ahead and put them in their Mizzoula Osprey gear. Don’t fuck with me and tell me I should care about this bum.
See, this is why I think MLB should reduce the preseason by 10-15 games and have more teams enter the playoffs.
I don’t have to practice hating the Patriots, it’s like riding a bike.
A bike that I bring to bed every night and cuddle like a teddy bear as I sleep.
A quick image search for “cuddle bike” produced this.
http://www.leavemetomyprojects.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Octopus-on-Bike-in-Hurry.jpg
/Pre-emptive Balls comment and a pre-pre-emptive Moose reply.
OWAH TEAM IS SUCH A JUGGAHNAUGHT THAT EVEN THE HATERS NEED TO WORK ON THEYAH HATE FOR US!
The version of this for Wrigley Field is pretty similar:
1. Wrigley is surrounded by bars. Horrible bars. Bars where repressed suburbanites and career alcoholics to come to let out their inner booze beast. There are bouncers and dress codes and there’s a great chance you’ll see someone puke on Clark Street. Also, you might see this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzPVqT5vW4M
(They guy now dresses up as a goat because the Cubs sued him to have his bear suit destroyed so they have their own creepy, pantsless mascot wandering the area.)
2. The terrible McDonald’s across the street is being torn down so you’ll have to walk a few hundred feet to the terrible Taco Bell. Either way, you’ll have a nice foundation of foodstuff to absorb your booze.
4. Wrigley’s fine sights are known as “Trixies.” Imagine the standard, attractive, urban-dwelling 20-something girl: she drives a Passat, has a bunch of attire with the word “PINK” on it, lives in Lincoln Park or maybe Wicker Park because she likes its vibe, and loves to take duck-faced selfies. She’ll undoubtedly be wearing some form of Cubbie blue and will probably have no idea what’s going on the field. That’s fine–you won’t either.
5. If you have bleacher tickets, you don’t need to find your seats! Sit anywhere and marvel at the fact you paid a shit ton for general admission seating 400 feet from home plate. But you’ll be in the sun and far enough away from actual baseball to pretend it’s not there!
7. Scorecards *are* stupid, but if you’re in the bleachers, you can find a sad, chubby Cubs blogger who sits in the very last row in left field and attentively scores the game. If you see him, do not approach! Just drink, laugh, and have a good time–he’ll hate that and passive-aggressively block you on Twitter.
8. You won’t hear many baseball stats in the bleachers, but a Chad (the male spiritual equivalent of a Trixie) may punch you if you mock his shitty $5 neon-framed sunglasses. Don’t worry, he’ll be drunk from asking Trixies to show him their TIIIITTTAAAAYYYYZZ!
Sounds terrible. Too bad you can’t do it the right way like us #BFIB.
So true.
Oh! I left off a version of #10. When you leave the park, head a couple blocks east to Boystown and get your gay on.
“Hmm, now I know where I’m going next time I’m in Chicago”
– Aaron Rodgers
So how many BCB bannings do you have under your belt?
Even making fun of attending a baseball game is sad enough that now I want to kill myself.
And the best part? With 162 games per team each season, you’ll have so many opportunities!
If attending a game at Dodger Stadium be sure to remember to wear your Kevlar vest.
Great job on this JJFozz.
Kevlar doesn’t protect from stab wounds.
Ceramic plate seems like it would be the way to go.