Your “Holy Crap! For Real?!” Friday Open Thread

*deep breath*

Peyton Manning retired…………Brock Ostweiler signed with the Oilers Texans……….and somehow that became

MARK SANCHEZ HAS SIGNED WITH THE BRONCOS!

At least it wasn’t Tebow.

Opinions may vary. To the games! (all times eastern)

NHL: (5 games total)

  • Flyers @ Lightning – 7:30
  • Ducks @ Blues – 8:00
  • Blackhawks @ Stars – 8:30

NBA: (10 games total)

  • Rockets @ Celtics – 7:30
  • Heat @ Bulls – 8:00
  • Trail Blazers @ Warriors – 10:30

NCAA: 

  • Notre Dame vs #7 UNC – 7:00
  • #22 Baylor vs #1 Kansas – 7:00
  • Alabama vs #16 Kentucky – 7:00
  • #15 Arizona vs #8 Oregon – 9:00
  • #6 Oklahoma vs #9 West Virginia – 9:00
  • #11 Miami vs #4 Virginia – 9:00
  • #24 Cal vs #12 Utah – 11:30

Speculate who Elway will actually anoint down in the comments. NOTHING IS RIDICULOUS AFTER TODAY!

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Subscribe
Notify of
460 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
ThePirateSloth

Tonight’s dinner is gonna be pan seared steaks with a reduced red wine/shallots/butter sauce, with pan fried diced potatoes, and goat cheese/sliced apple/pistachio/arugula salad.

I do it up right.

Sill Bimmons

The Dallas goal song is just a bunch of people screaming “DALLAS SCORES” over and over again.

Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm

ADD ALL THE GOCHUJANG

Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy

That sandwich looks like you just finished fucking it.

King Hippo

Looks like??

Sill Bimmons

Why…?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Because it’s covered in a sticky substance and is disappointed you didn’t finish it off.

Sill Bimmons

No, I meant why did your mind immediately go to fucking the sandwich?

Pretty sure I could have looked at that photo every day for the rest of my life and never thought of you, me or anyone else fucking it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

To quote the late, great George Carlin, these are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That Schwartz has really great meat.
(giggity)

Sill Bimmons

Kirk Douglas isn’t dead yet?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So apparently the Trump rally in Chicago got canceled out of fear for the candidate’s safety?

THIS GUY DONALD TRUMP I CALL HIM A PERSON OF COLOR CAUSE APPARENTLY IT’S NOT SAFE FOR HIM TO SHOW HIS FACE AT A TRUMP RALLY.

Doktor Zymm

Alternate version :
THIS GUY DONALD TRUMP I CALL HIM A PERSON OF COLOR CAUSE THERE’S A HIGHER THAN AVERAGE PROBABILITY OF HIM BEING SHOT IN CHICAGO

Doktor Zymm

There’s no scientific consensus that life is a good thing

Doktor Zymm

Is that an anti-circumcision activist slogan?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hahahahaha
You’re bad.

Sill Bimmons

That would be more like “Life’s Tough; Keep Your Hoodie.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s a joke in here about drawstrings and….something else.
I need more alcohol and then I’ll get back to it.

Doktor Zymm

So…zip front hoodie = vasectomy?

Sill Bimmons

Uhhh…no…

Doktor Zymm

A friend of mine had the procedure explained to him as “A snip, a clip, and a zip”

It’s catchy and has stuck in my mind ever since.

Sill Bimmons

That’s on your balls, not your glans.

Doktor Zymm

Well, yeah, the zipper on a hoodie isn’t on the hood. To take this metaphor much further than it was meant to go, there’s just a disproportionate neck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Jean Luc Picard facepalm gif header on this thread seems to be getting more and more apropos.

Or…Maybe it’s just me.

Sill Bimmons

It’s like the fly on your jeans. The hoodie is a pullover.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t anything to add. I just really like how narrow the comments are getting over here waaaayyyyy to the right side.
There’s a GOP joke in there.

Doktor Zymm

I’ll go with this version. Though I’m rapidly forming a picture in my head of penis puppets in casual clothing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And now will stick in all of ours as well.
We thank you for that.

King Hippo

The doc who did mine TALKED TO ME the entire procedure.

I most certainly DID NOT enjoy this one bit, but discretion was the better part of valor in this instance (one should not risk insulting someone operating on your wee-wee).

Doktor Zymm

He was probably just trying to distract you. I’m generally chatty when I’m getting a bikini wax.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Me too.

indieguy

Ho-lee shit. The simplicity of that statement os matched only by its truthiness

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I speak for everyone when I say “Fuck You, Carolina”.
And WTF Notre Dame? This is the worst beating the Catholics have taken since the script for “Spotlight” got greenlighted.

Sill Bimmons

They were expecting a Béziers, they got an Arsuf.

...

A line from a story on Trump’s Chicago rally:

However, 19-year-old Rusty Shackleford of Lombard, in line to attend the Trump rally, said he was there to “support the man who wants to make America great again.”

I want to believe the reporter believed that name is real.

Sill Bimmons

Dale Gribble is in my Top 5 comedy characters of all time.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqd34eZgyn1qb0q9io1_400.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ditto.
My favorite is the rabies episode.

Gratliff

FLYERA WHOOOOOOO

laserguru
Moonbatting Average

THIS TRADE I CALL IT PLAYOFFS ASSURED BECAUSE OUR WINS UP IN THE TEENS

laserguru

If one of my employees hadn’t mentioned that Daylight Saving Time starts this Sunday I probably would have been late to work on Monday.

That snuck up on us fast.

Doktor Zymm

And now I’ll be stuck going to the gym in the dark for another two months. DST can kiss my shiny metal ass.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hmm. Shiny and metal? We all love a good hardbody, but maybe you should talk to your trainer about the “supplements” he’s been having you take.

Doktor Zymm

Zinc!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
...

Bostonians want to go on Daylight Saving Time and say there forever.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/england-lawmakers-propose-seceding-eastern-time-37554435

laserguru

Unlike Arizona which never enters it in the first place.

...

The only sane ones.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Anyone who advocates for a permanent switch to Daylight Savings Time is a moron who…oh, you said that it’s a popular idea in Boston? Move along, nothing to see here.

Kungjitsu

No matter what, it takes me at least three weeks to get used to DST.

Doktor Zymm
...

Geese are vile. Those fuckers congregate around the pond outside the building I work in and they shit on EVERYTHING.

At least they aren’t with their young where they hiss endless at me. FUCK YOUR FEATHERED OFFSPRING.

The Maestro

A goose almost bit me in the balls once as a kid. Fuck the whole Canadian national symbol status, geese are fucking assholes, the lot of them.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

My dead grandfather would love this.

Gratliff

I haven’t had scrapple in 8 years. Michigan is bullshit.

Sill Bimmons

Order it.

I got it when I lived in Australia.

All the scrapple you could ever wish for awaits!

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_10?url=search-alias%3Dgrocery&field-keywords=habersett+scrapple&sprefix=habersett+%2Cgrocery%2C152

Gratliff

Holy shit. Amazon sells Tastykakes

...

So Trump’s grand rally in Chicago at UIC was postponed. Sad! Chicago is a low-energy city!

Anywho, I plan to prowl a few sites tonight to see all the crypto-racists go into persecution mode over this. SO MANY CRYPTO-RACISTS.

Sill Bimmons
...

Mark Sanchez did not merely become a Bronco. The Broncos acquired him and gave up something of value in the process.

So, SUPER LOLZ.

King Hippo

because they tired of the KAEPERNICK BIDDING WAR

THAT is the part that really vexes me. Whilst there is a perfectly good (well, he still has ONE functional knee, and you don’t THROW with your knee ,, ppl forget that) RG3 out there fo’ free.

...

More like KAEPERNICK BIDDING LOLZ.

And when he said he WANTED to be a Brown?

God, today is a great hilarious day.

King Hippo

Without the Superb Owl win, I would be having a stroke.

But I do believe the Texans and Kaep’s odd preferences have saved us from ourselves twice. No QB is bad, but tying yourself down to a bad, overpaid one is much worse.

I would be fine with Griffin/Sanchize/Prescott as my QB depth chart. That was always pretty much best case scenario.

...

If only platooning worked in football like baseball. Then you could gather up all the underachieving quarterbacks and somehow get a good quarterback’s performance out of them.

Sill Bimmons
King Hippo

The outcome of every evening basketball contest is most unsatisfactory.

indieguy

manziel? he seems like he could learn a thing or two from sanchez

Brick Meathook

Hey Everybody @DFO! I just received this offer in my internet email. I’m giving all my money to this guy. I encourage you to do the same.

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AND URGENT BUSINESS ASSISTANCE.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Please kindly accept my apology for sending unsolicited mail to you. I believe you are a highly respected personality, considering the fact that I sourced your profile from a human resource profile database on your country. Though, I do not know to what extent you are familiar with events.But Please Your Attention Is Needed Urgently?

I am Barrister Augustine I. Alegeh Solicitor and Advocate at Law.I am the personal Lawyer to Late Eng.(James),A citizen of your Country,Working in an oil servicing company In NIGERIA. Referred to as my client On April 21, 2004 my client,his wife, and their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagamu express way. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my late client before they Get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposits were lodged, particularly the DIAMOND BANK PLC. Where the deceased had an account Valued at about (US$7.8 million dollars) has Issued me a notice to provide the Next of Kin. Or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 12 years now,Due to your from the same Country.I decide to seek your consent to Present you as the Next Of Kin,of the deceased,So that this account valued at (US$7.8million dollars) can be paid to you and then You and Me Can share the money. 50% to Me and 45% to You while 5% for any expenses.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through.I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and Me, from any breach of the law.So what i will require from you is to send me these details below;

1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Marital Status:
4.Nationality:
5.Country Of Residence:
6.Telephone Number
7.Occupation:
8.Age:
9.Sex:

With these details i will now file an application to the bank as next of kin to my late client,So Your immediate response On This details will be highly appreciated immediately as we cannot afford delays.

Best regards,

Augustine I. Alegeh.

Doktor Zymm

Nigerian DFO clubhouse!

Senor Weaselo

Seems legit.

Sill Bimmons

What if he’s got Starbursts? And Corgi puppies? AND PIKACHU

http://iotwreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/myvan.jpg

You’ll never know what’s in the van if you don’t get in.

Brick Meathook

We’re all gonna be RICH! (begins smoking $100 dollar bills)

Kungjitsu

Man! You’re gonna be rich!

JustStopDude

I got to ask, since I am drunk and I brought it up already…are white people offended by the term “honkie”?

I had a kid at work tell me that it was on par if he used the N-word.

Now I naturally kind of doubt his views on anything because he is a Duke grad…so the concept of “NO means NO” is lost on him. But I figured I would ask and if I really bothered any of y’all…I would blame it on the booze.

Sill Bimmons

No.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I called myself “Honkus Maximis” in high school. So no.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, that guy is full of shit. It’s not in common use, and no one really knows what the hell it means anyway. What is being honked?

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

Senor Weaselo
Sill Bimmons
Doktor Zymm

Getting ready to barricade myself in the house for the weekend. Getting puked on by hordes of drunk 22 year olds from the suburbs is not my idea of a great way to be drunk.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Are you disappointed that the Chicago Trump rally got postponed?

Doktor Zymm

That could actually be a very interesting way to be drunk, though I would probably want to bring some pepper spray and a tazer.

Doktor Zymm

I remain befuddled by the continuation of Nacho’s career.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

that’s nacho problem

JustStopDude

Y’all honkies do some funniest ass crazy shit…

http://i.imgur.com/IG1RY3d.gif

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo

Yeah, I think I’m going on an ELP kick tonight. I have to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9TbiIEpZJ8

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m listening to all of Karn Evil 9 on the plane right meow.

ThePirateSloth

My early evening consists of building the bestest in the universe factory, because I am a nerd who likes planning and organizing things, by playing Factorio.

https://youtu.be/DR01YdFtWFI

Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mmmmmmm, one of my all-time favorite foods. Give me a plate of that, some manchego, a bottle or three of Ribera del Duero, and then send me to bed.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

What are we making for dinner, folks? I just finished some homemade chicken fried rice – what are the rest of you up to?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Also, I watched Mannequin today. I have very little shame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agxwOaTVnCY

Do you dream about me…..

Sill Bimmons

Japanese delivery.

laserguru

I’ll be making a chicken burrito with asadera queso and my semi world famous chile tepin.
When I get home in about 2 more damn hours.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I had a pair of chili dogs, and when the wife gets home it’s leftover Thai food and rose.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I brought some peanut butter sandwiches and a banana with me on the flight back to DC. Won’t see that on Sunday Gravy, will you?

:sobs:

laserguru

Oh damn, son!

laserguru

Not to mention that the next installment I’m dropping double-barrel goodness. Two keeper recipes.

Sploosh!

Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo

Evening all. It’s a dark day in the Weaselo household with the news of Keith Emerson’s passing. Emerson, Lake, and Palmer was my dad’s favorite band growing up, which he passed down to me in middle school, and Keith remains to this day one of his favorite keyboardists of all time. Heck, I was close to being named Keith. It’s ridiculous they’re not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame yet, and it’s a shame that (if and) when their long-overdue time comes and they get the call the whole trio won’t be there to celebrate it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hv5kAOWKpY

laserguru

A very cool band. I may be as old as your dad because I listened to a lot of their stuff in high school.

This one’s a little different than their standard fare.

King Hippo

I swear, the entire time I watch Nova/Providence, nobody fucking scores. Even Gus Johnson is bored.

Redshirt

I’m thinking of going to the Donald Trump rally tomorrow. In case I come back singing the praises of Trump, I want you to hunt me down, unbrainwash and reeducate me. I’d rather be dead then serve that son of a bitch.

King Hippo

This is how the rationalization process starts. RESIST the hive mind!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

So, you’re ASKING Donald Sutherland to put you in the pod?

scotchnaut

“Notre Dame/North Carolina, huh? The sensors are off the charts!” [smiles at engorged erection]

-Satan, monitoring levels of hate

JustStopDude

Slamming beers, doing a couple of lines, waiting for my crazy fucking Polish coworkers from the Warsaw office to show up to go beer hopping with Motown blasting on the stereo.

No bullshit, I walked out to smoke and saw the retired lady with her dog that lives in the apartment next to me. I ask her if my music is too loud (I’m not a fucking animal).

She proceeds to start talking about motown (she could hear the songs I was playing). She told this fucking crazy story of how she ended up working in Detroit during the Vietnam War as a secretary. Talking about who she knew in her early partying days. The names she was dropping were interesting if you know about the drug scene in Detroit’s East Side. Apparently she hooked up with a number of rather famous dudes in the Motown scene.

I seriously want a time machine and fuck this woman in her prime(or more alcohol and do it now). Seriously…she has this Katey Sagal vibe. She is older…but still a real hot older. And dear god I cannot imagine how hot she was when she was young.

ThePirateSloth

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Horatio’s dinner tonight (artist’s conception)

comment image

Redshirt

Welp, I survived another week. Time to start binging.

comment image:large

King Hippo

Does this have something to do with fingers up the butt? I’m just gonna assume “yes”

Redshirt

It means Season 3. There’s a movement to get it renewed as a Netflix show, but that Winnie Cooper your talking about. Be nice!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I would fight a giraffe to get Young Justice S3.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw great. I was like “what the hell is ‘young justice’?” and did a Google Search and ended up with a bunch of images of Victoria Justice from when she was 13. Thanks a lot, DTZM.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

You’re going to jail.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I, too, hope President Obama will appoint a young justice to the Supreme Court.

Sill Bimmons

Ike Taylor might be a HOF candidate if he could catch.

King Hippo

I thought you said Ike Turner for some reason. I think all the oxy has liquefied my brain. To be fair, never had much upstairs to begin with.

/Cow College WOO!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wait, how much oxy do you have upstairs?”

– Ryan Leaf

King Hippo

RYAN would have liked my pharmacy robbing plan ,, smgdh

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I hadn’t heard this until I read Slate’s piece on some of George Martin’s non-Beatles career, but it’s awesome. I refrained from posting it in request line since it’s not travel music, but definitely worth a listen:

Horatio Cornblower

Just got back home in time to watch the highlights of the UCONN-Cincy game.

Glad I missed that one.

King Hippo

Just imagine had you been home engrossed in it, while your wife glowered menacingly over your shoulder…

Redshirt

I listened on the radio to the Bearcat broadcast driving home. That last 0.8 seconds of 3OT was painfully bipolar.

King Hippo

And not to be THAT GUY…but arguably the dude traveled before launching his prayer.

scotchnaut

I’m watching The Bourne Identity for what seems like the 15th time. I’m in no position to judge either Sanchez or the Broncos.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That movie is amazing in every way and you should apologize for nothing.

1 2 3 4