So we’ve made it to the first major event of the 2016 NFL season, the first round of the draft is tonight! As we are reminded that coaches, general managers, and meddling owners are the real stars of this league, we will also use this event to be introduced to the latest class of well-dressed athletes who, in as soon as four years even, may be budding stars preparing to be training camp hold outs insisting on new contracts, early retirees, or simply journeymen professionals chasing their athletic dreams.
Remember about a month ago when the draft universe was upside-down? The top two picks, Tennessee and Cleveland, presumably pleased with their quarterback situations (because nothing says “nah, we’re good at QB” like having a top draft pick), were expected to kick off the draft with unsexy upgrades to their non-existent lines. Boltman and Ol’ Double-J would then get some screen time before perpetual top-five picker Jacksonville would bring aboard someone with high upside who won’t make it to the preseason without getting an injury that will land him on the season-ending IR. Also, the P*triot’s didn’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. But that didn’t matter because, with Tom Brady for 16 weeks, this team didn’t need a first round pick to get off to a hot start.
Well, now our draft universe is upside-down for other reasons. The Los Angeles Rams of Raider Nation announced that their “philosophy has always been to build through the draft” before sending six of their first seven picks over the next two years to Tennessee in exchange for the right to pick first tonight. Who will they take? Well, RAMIT insiders haven’t decided yet. Not to be outdone — by LA or their previous regime — the Philadelphia Eagles gave up eight picks to earn the right to draft whoever gets rejected by the guys who assembled a 2015 QB depth chart of Nick Foles, Case Keenum, and Sean Mannion. Laremy Tunsil, the projected top pick before Tennessee traded down, is set to lose at least $1.5 million on his rookie contract as a result of these trades. Also, the P*triot’s still don’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. Also, they lost Tom Brady for the first four weeks of the season, including their Sunday Night Football home opener where Chris and Al will have to talk about Brady being out because he’s a cheater even though they don’t want to talk about Brady’s history of cheating.
Now, for everyone who submitted on Pick Is In, tonight is also judgement day for you. That’s right, click below to open the official [DFO] Draft Challenge Prediction Board, turn on the television, and get ready to weep.
THIS GUY RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY I CALL HIM ROBERT MCNAMARA CAUSE THINGS ARE NOT GOING AT ALL ACCORDING TO HIS PLAN AND HE’LL HAVE TO RE-DO THIS DRAFT THING AGAIN NEXT YEAR.
Just to leave more dead, and all for nothing.
Man if Morris was two years younger I’d consider him a huge fantasy sleeper this year
C’mon Jerrah…you KNOW you want Paxton Lynch…just do it…
Jerry looking like Vito Corleone.
He’s playing with a totally different orange pussy, though.
The Cowboys can take Ramsey or Elliott and I’ll be pretty happy, although I’m guessing it’ll be Ramsey. Grab a DE in the next round.
I wonder how much restraint Jerry Jones must use to not put on a military uniform on in his draft war room.
YYYEEEEHHHAAAAAWWWW!!! I’M FUCKIN’ IN CHARGE ‘ROUND HERE, YA HEAR?! JUST LIKE MY BOY FROM THAT NASSIE MOVIE, JACK RIPPER! THAT BOY KNEW HOW TO KILL RUSSKIES!
Come on Double J…you know you want Johnny Football…
Fuck you Philip Rivers….we don’t give a shit if you take a beating foar the rest of your career. Which is not likely to last very long as things look currently.
And with this Kiper has missed his first pick folks.
I had him missing at 5, damn it. And fuck it, the Pokes looked stunned, they WERE gonna take Bosa over Ramsey, everything was slotting like I thought.
Jalen Ramsey is a bigger and faster Honey badger.
Anyone else agree?
So far these draft picks look like Chip Kelly fanfic.
Like the Browns, my draft predictions are straight fucked.
Holy shit those Chargers cheerleaders…
http://i.imgur.com/0Y3JwEB.jpg
Bosa? Bosa.
Think I’m gonna go whip up a hemlock cocktail.
Joey Bow reminds me of Lattimer from The Program
BOSA DEEZ NUTS
“This kid knows how to come off the edge.”
Exactly why I’m not allowed on the Hoover Dam tour any more.
Did the NFL network just show a Chargers themed S&M gimp?
I figured it was Marty Schottenheimer.
So San Diego took a guy not suited to their defensive system who doesn’t fit any of their primary needs?
Seems about right.
I almost guessed that. Totally makes me a genius.
HUH? WHAT?! FUCK YOU! I’LL BREED MY OWN OFFENSIVE LINE THEN, COCKMUNCHERS!
Ok, Double J needs to take Ramsey. Run that card up now!!!!!!!!
Did he fashion a tie out of a napkin?
Hehehehehe….it’s great how the boos get louder with each successive Goodell trip.
Goddammit SD….you fucking idiots.
Tyme fo’ SD to fuck shit up fo’ evahbody.
You know…like usual.
It’s what we do.
Do we have OSZ on suicide watch?
Why, did NSZ steal his beers again?
well, they sure fucked my prediction entry, up the ass sans lube
Ditto
Wentz chasing Bradford out of Philly seems about right, since Wentz looks just like the people who chased Bradford’s ancestors out of the Black Hills.
Cold-Blooooooooded!!!
+1
Bradford knows all about leaving a Trail of Tears.
I wonder what crazy shit the ol’ Double J is planning?
Whatever it is, it involves hookers and blow.
Double P.
Hookers, blow and a Dairy Queen Blizzard.
Chargers take Las Vegas as the third overall pick.
No way. That implies the Chargers would have to give the city money.
Would somewhat screw over the Raiders. I’m cool with it.
Laserface in Sin City, dear God
I always love it when sports commentators talk about the passion of fanbases in remote locations, which wouldn’t exist if there were literally ANYTHING else to do there.
Yeah places like wichita, lafayette, and green bay am I right
WIP callers already have Wentz’s girlfriend’s number:
Bullshit.
Now the real fun begins. Chargers need to grab Tunsil. He’s the new Nate Newton
He’s got a truck full of pot in the parking lot?
https://streamable.com/j6sw
take a look
So he’s Nate Newnewton?
More importantly, would make me 3-for-3 and temporarily feel smrt
Protection for King Laserface time?
Well, good lord it’s about time!
Oh, you weren’t talking about condoms.
Shit, I think Pope Frank would be his ride home from teh vasectomy at this point.
Here are a bunch of highlights of Carson Wentz competing against guys at least three steps to slow to get a sniff in the NFL.
Well, he’ll certainly be proficient when they introduce Laserball.
So many surprises so far! *mind blown*
Also, someone apparently posted a video of Tunsil smoking weed through a gas mask to his Twitter. Gone from it now, but it’s up on YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zh_enJ3T4AQ
Obviously that means my Bolts are about to pick him.
So… a self-described “Christian conservative redneck” from North Dakota is going to city well known for being welcoming and accepting tough times without overacting. This should go well.
Welcome to Hell!
-Donovan McNabb
http://media.philly.com/images/092015_sad-bradford_600.jpg
Oh, Great Spirit. Why have you abandoned me?
Why do they have these guys running down stairs when they’re announced? Someone’s gonna slip and end there career before they get to the podium.
Hilarity ensues.
Way to predict Cleveland’s pick
Sam Bradford and Carson Wentz about to be friends forever
There’s a part of me that thinks Carson Wentz might be good, just because the Browns passed on this pick, and God hates the Browns.
God also hates Philly though…
Good, but only after the Eagles trade him
“FUCK THIS SHIT!”
–Sam Bradford
/flips over table
//tears acl
WHAT ABOUT SAM YOU BASTARDS!?!?!?!
BucknertotheBolts
BucknertotheBolts
BucknertotheBolts
BucknertotheBolts
BucknertotheBolts
Well, THAT was certainly…
…well, not surprising in the least.
We go LIVE to Sam Bradford, where he is just weeping incessantly.
BREAKING: Sam Bradford has taken the Eagles war room hostage at gunpoint and is demanding they draft Tunsil
At least you know if he aims at you, he’ll miss.
This will end in tears just like the last assault on Wounded Knee.
WE’LL NEVER FORGET YOU MARTY
Who would Kevin Costner trade for?
Imagine the WIP reaction when the Iggles draft a d-lineman.
Please, oh please, oh please!
Oh god please let this happen.