Welcome to DFO’s initial Divisional Draft roundtable. Drinking an Abita Wrought Iron IPA and avoiding my family, I am King Hippo, representing the World Muthafuckin’ Champion Donks. We also have world famous alternate Internet Dad (and Raiders fan) Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, plus the stomp stomp CLAP!! duo of Old School Zero and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers. Just too much CHARGER PRIDE for one Commentist to handle things. On the other end…well, nobody claims the Chefs, so we will just shit on them out of the side of our respective mouths/asses as we go.

It’s a transitional year/era for the AFC West, and I believe the conference as a whole. As such, this draft could take on outsize importance. Or it could mean fuckall. Let’s begin!!

Old School Zero: I’m just going to skip right to the climax of the Chargers draft and pour one out for Mike Scifres. There went a leg that could give Dr. Z’s hang time stop watch priaprism of the seconds hand. I can’t disagree with the decision, but he was one hell of a punter for a good, long time.

We also drafted a guy that I joked about being a character on the Sopranos, only to have it turn out that his great-grandfather was part of the mob. Joey Bosa, DE, 3rd pick in the draft, no neck can be located. Welcome, New Larry English!

King Hippo: Hey, he has enough goombahs whacked, he can play anywhere he wants!

I was absurdly proud that Denver took the first fullback and punter of the draft, and that “runs” soon thereafter ensued. Because I am a weird, sad man. And also because none of said picks were in the 2nd goddamned round. LOLBucs.

Old School Zero: Fullbacks and Punters are so hot this year. Like Hansel. So hot right now.

I have no intel on our newest Punter–because kickers, amirite?–but I hear we picked up Melvin Gordon’s fullback from Wisconsin. Running game problem solved! Right, Low Commander? RIGHT?! OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME WE’RE GONNA BE OKAY RUNNING THE BALL!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Well, Gordon has always had backfield blockers in college, so I can only assume this will help make the Bolts running game not dead last, like it was last year. Hell, maybe Gordon will even actually get a TD this year!

That being said, I think the addition of Hunter Henry at TE will continue to pick up the running game. Gates has never been known for his blocking abilities, and that’s one of the big upsides Henry brings. SO OF COURSE ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED ON OFFENSE!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Between the Raiders’ picks of Jihan Ward and Connor Cook, I’d have to say that Cook was the bigger head scratcher (though I’ll share my thoughts on that in a minute) – which of the Chargers picks would you say was the most inexplicable?

King Hippo: Was everybody just fucking with the Cowboys maybe? Certainly the Bosa and Cook picks threw Double J’s pistol shootin’ into disarray.

Though to be fair, I like Dak Prescott a lot better than Connor Cook. Or even…sigh…Paxton Lynch for that matter.

/smacks self on head, repeats “trust the process and thine equine Lord and Savior” 100 times

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Careful there Hippo. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to summon a certain QB who shall not be named.

Can we just sit back and enjoy the move by Denver to move up and get Paxton? I’m looking forward to see if he can beat Señor Sanchez come training camp, although seeing Mark start the season would be fantastic in its own right.

Old School Zero: I would say the Chargers picks all made sense, and the only thing that left me scratching my head was a lack of early O-line picks. But someone smarter than me will likely tell me this was a weak draft for O-linemen.

King Hippo: It wasn’t a great draft for tackles. There were some really good guard/center prospects, but even those were deep and could be found later in the pool.

I liked all of Denver’s picks (after the QB shenanigans, which I fully understand and acknowledge to be something of a crapshoot anyway). Getting the Aussie Rules guy (Gotsis) from Georgia Tech in the 2nd was maybe my favorite selection. Denver only needs depth on the DL right now, so they could shoot for his “monster” upside instead of going with a safer “immediate starter” floor. Plus, who doesn’t like a nontraditional prospect?

Two safeties (both of whom are tall and physical/rangy) also made me happy. The 4th quarter of the P*ts playoff game showed just how reliant Wade’s defense is on quality safety play, and it shows the “NEVAR AGAIN, Rahim Moore” lesson is still fresh in Elway’s mind. Yes, I still has teh nightmares.

I also for reals had Booker from Utah as the 3-down RB I wanted most in the whole draft. From my JV NFL previews, you may recall (but probably don’t) that I made Team Secular Big Love my late night DVR game of choice more often than not. Booker was a big part of that. Tough runner that just wears you down, and gets forward quickly – perfect for a zone read system like Kubes’.

The punter would save the Donks $3M against the cap if he makes the team, too. Insanity.

I’m pretty sure EVERY drafted fullback (Denver’s was a Cornhusker) came out of the B1G. It was the only respite in the 6th/7th from “random guys from Clemson.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: I think JJ’s noted interest in Connor Cook was the reason why the Raiders traded UP to get him. But I think it was very much more than a “Fuck you, Jerry!” move. Despite being a fan favorite, the Raiders’ backup Matt McGloin is no better than, well, a backup. He’ll be headed into free agency next season, and with the current cost of backup quarterbacks (about $5M per season) it makes financial sense to bring in someone new for that role who gets a year in the system and, if he’s of comparable quality to McGloin, they can keep for peanuts. Despite my (and by “my” I mean “our”) loathing of the Patriots, it’s a savvy move they have been making every few years, and I’m happy to see my Raiders copy it.

King Hippo: I agree, and Cook is the right guy as “cheap ass 4-year backup.” I think he’s a very high-floor, low-ceiling option, as far as dart-toss college QBs go, anyway.

You’re right that the P*ts are clearly down with this formula, having done the same with wolven alum Jacoby Brissett in the 3rd, eliciting a Hippo groan of agony.

I suppose it’s time to stop putting off the dreaded looking up of the Chefs’ picks. I only remember making a fat guy joke at one point, so totes flying blind here.

Old School Zero: Who did the Chiefs draft to serve as organ donors to keep Jamaal Charles in working order?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: For some reason the confluence of words like “Chefs” and “working order” and the image of Jamaal Charles’s dreads made me feel like these are who the Chiefs drafted:

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: In keeping with player names that sound like food, Andy Reid likely drafted Stanford QB Kevin Hogan because he thought he was a hoagie.

King Hippo: He will be disappoint, but greater Chefsdom will at least be happy with his aggressive whiteness.

And now, for his Chiefs input, long estranged Commentist Ottoman is here! Otto, what do you think of the Chiefs draft?

Ottoman: Well, I…

King Hippo: And that’s all the time/bandwidth we have for today, folks! Tune in next for…whoever else volunteers??