YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
Peyton’s had to refuse 3 of Cris’s sexual advances and 5 chances to do shots with Al.
Cris: “Come on. Just the tip. It still counts for me.”
Fuck yyoooouuuuuuu Michaels!
They not booing. They’re chanting “Elway”.
Al is tripping balls
Dreamboat isn’t allowed near the team now right? Because if NBC brings him in the booth for Collinsworth to suck him off as well, I’m setting fire to something.
Injured Cam and a Northwestern QB fucking shit up. Welcome back, Thursday Night NFL shitfests
I sacrifice Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth to summon Peyton Manning in Commentary Mode!
Wait, PeyPey’s a level 7/8?
/Is it bad that I still remember that?
//Probably
I really dislike Kristen Bell.
There’s something there I’m just not getting along with everybody else.
Dax Shepard’s penis.
I found those Samsung commercials she did to be grating as hell.
Agreed. But I’d still do very bad things for her.
Like strangle Dax.
Ah who am I kidding, I do that just for fun.
She was good in Party Down though.
I kinda liked her before she married the dumbshit. Now she’s dead to me.
http://seriouslysarah.net/wp-content/uploads/kristen-bell-veronica-mars-gifs-12.gif
Hey, remember when King Hippo told you that Trevor Siemian kinda sucked??
They should have called that show “The Good Spot” and then people could call it “The G Spot” for short.
The show would be cancelled in a week because the 18-34 male demographic couldn’t find it.
“Cam Newton” is marked as crashed and should be repaired.
Wooo! El Beisbol Cardinals lost tonight. Cubs magic number down to 8.
Thought you all needed something else to hate that wasn’t Manning’s face.
GO CUBS GO
Also good for the Mets (notthatanybodycaresbutme)!
HAHAHAHA TEBOW
Enjoy the Tebow Sideshow!
Got to see Hendricks 3-0 shutout of the Pirates while I was up. Great fucking game. First time at Wrigley since probably 99.
It’s amazing what Maddon has done with an actual payroll
I remember when Ice T put out that album with Body Count. That was a far fucking cry from hawking insurance.
DEDUCTIBLE KILLLERRRRR
I liked Ice T better before he got exiled from his home planet by his father before the invasion of the numbericons
Welp, that’s it for Cam
HAHAHHAHAHA Wouldnt it be a gasser if we played “Kryptonite” after Cam gets hurt?
Did I just lose my QB in the the insanity league? Fuck
Carolina kickers are getting “randomly” tested tomorrow.
Kryptonite bumper music, oh I see you workin, NBC producer
White people rejoicing?
It is the black-on-black crime we seem to enjoy!
Cam looked twisted up like a pretzel.
Sandra Bullock needs to go explain the blind side to Other again.
HE DEAD
I would have shit if Peyton had jsut yell, “God dammit Siemian!”
This is real and not a mistaken comedy bit
Fuck these people. They are too stupid to live.
HOLY
FUCK
And I thought Mama Cass was dead.
Who had 15 years before capitalizing on 9/11 with sales? Goddammit.
Bunchess Of Funchess is a top WR2 in the insanity leagues.
Holy shit Peyton is actually a good commentator
Oh god, please don’t let NBC read this comment.
But if it gets Collinsworth out of the booth, it’s for the greater good, right?
Emmanuel Sanders fell FAR in our draft. I picked him thinking I was drafting with a bunch of morons.
…the moron was me.
Never draft the WR, draft the QB throwing him the ball.
http://www.sharegif.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/19/applause-gif-6.gif
Yeah, Peyton, safety did a God job, but that ball was criminally underthrown
http://38.media.tumblr.com/7afea9c233d12cb43ed9169de8ed33cc/tumblr_n9qk0cQbbv1r60h6bo7_250.gif
There is no such thing as a right week to stop sniffing glue.
Hey Denver, greetings from sunny Dallas. Miss me yet?
– M. Sanchez
Holee fuckballz…it posted.
I’m so happy. I want to thank the academy. And of course Hippoz, balls and RTD.
But mostly my internet papa. You like me…you REALLY like me.
Mr. Sanchez,
Fuck no.
Respectfully,
Denver
VR shots of James Harrison’s dong?
“Some isolation plays, some double-teams, they’re doing some cool stuff in there”
All right, calm down de Sade.
Hope last year was worth it, Donks fans.
http://jamiereid.org.s35945.gridserver.com/archive/Arles5.jpg
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
So…they were awfully subdued about that interception. Don’t like having their narrative disrupted, I guess?
You know there’s gonna be some dirty stuff going on in that booth during the commercial break.
This “I’m not paying you 72 million fucking dollars” experiment of Elway’s is going swimmingly.
WHERES PEYTONS ANALYSIS ON THAT THROW?!?!
http://40.media.tumblr.com/f6c0a618e6fd17fa7575072e515eb3b5/tumblr_mtkj2pg5Tw1styefro1_1280.jpg
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Well, that’s just good fun!
Monkeyception
Seimanception!
Dear God YEEESSSSSSSSSS
SIEMIAN DONATION!
/thanks Buddy Cole
PERFECT
Damn…my wife heard the first Manning utterances and hit the mute button before I could. Those are some good reflexes.
Has anyone asked Peyton if there is an Alien living in his head?
Holy shit, I haven’t thought about that show in years.
Even these BEATS can’t noise cancel the fellatio
Ok, Peyton already looks like he’s lost 30 pounds of muscle. Shenanigans.
And he’s down to a sixhead.
I hope the Donks have a turnover IMMEDIATELY
Chicken dinner.
Are you a wizard?
YAAASSSSSS
SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP
37?!
IN A ROW???
Hey, get back here!