YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
GAH FUCK THIS PRESEASON THAT COUNTS SHIT
Are you guys legitimately confused on the lack of flags on cam?
Nope.
Goodell’s got a hit out on him.
No. It’s where the NFL blends racism with narrative.
It’s actually reverse racism cuz the refs dont think white QB can take a hit or something #makeamericagudagain
Not really he’s the fucking Golden Child ” I-I-I-I-I Want The Knife”
Yeah, my team had Donovan McNabb and Mike Vick. I think roughing the passer penalties are some liberal pipedream.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/81491b92b7d36f1070b79037b75703ec/tumblr_mie2q18Dp31qiz3j8o1_r2_500.gif
Thanks NBC, for reminding us that Elway didn’t come to Baltimore.
Go die in a fucking fire, you horsefaced cunt.
RAAAARRR PHUBT, PHUBT!
That fuckin killed me
Barbaro, no!
That is to say, Barbaro was the last horse killed in Baltimore.
Hey we need a song for the background… how about “Your Sex is on Fire?” perfect
Your ACL is on fire!
Oh yeah, Al? You think a helmet to the back of the knee might have had something to do with that?
Wow. He didn’t go low or anything
Oh, come on. How is that not a flag on Cam?!
Why is Cam’s running so flat?
Carrying all that water
ANDY REID TIMEOUTKKAKE
Holy FUCKBALLS Cam
So how late after the pass was Cam hit THAT time?
http://40.media.tumblr.com/7d94142c8533349ace6e6cb05ae00018/tumblr_nbjy5n8cwq1tvsgjno1_500.png
John Elway evolved from Justin Bieber?
http://41.media.tumblr.com/1a84f8affc9b60493fb2764a1638509e/tumblr_n9m2n5C0wq1rd11tco1_500.png
http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5hev4nk6B1qff4two1_500.gif
BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sorry, it’s like a reflex.
God I want to see this smug hipster fuck die
– Cam Newton, on Von Miller
“The idea that platforms can be raised is mindblowing!”
“Tell me more…”
– Danny Woodhead, buying shoes.
http://www.safestchina.com/products_image/muddy-platform-shoes-144899.jpg
MOAR Donk’s cheerleaders, please, NBC shit-lords.
“Hey Bob that’s not what we meant when I said get a shot of the moon”
Well this is great, for my flex player this week I picked “Any caucasoid fullback”
“Any caucasoid fullback” is a great fantasy team name.
Whitest 30-yard TD run ever
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjQI9Xzivv8
my god that defense
ahem
http://i.imgur.com/0b8fLN2.png
What does love sound like?
(Slurping noises)
$100k a year in alimony and child support payments.
“At least it wasn’t in my eyes”
Like a boot stuck in mud.
Mike Allstott has been replaced as the greatest white fullback according to ESPN.
They’re dramatizing one of the worst environmental disasters of our time? Wonder if they’ll feature BP never fucking paying up.
All that stuff actually just happens in the first 5 minutes of the movie. Then next 3 hours are just cleanup and boring-ass legal bullshit as BP refuses to pay anything.
LOLNOPE It’s all about the gritty workers who got all gritty to save the Gulf! ‘Murica!
So it’s 100% made up bullshit.
Superhero movies are more realistic.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/9c8b68a088542fc52fe7cb8d000c7373/tumblr_mt14la3Neq1r1vf9eo1_400.gif
Will Mark Wahlberg see his wife and daughter again?
God willing, no.
Deepwater Horizon: The Movie, because Halliburton needs an apologist!
Call me sentimental, but that shot of that kid on the sideline after scoring that TD was money.
DID YOU SEE THOSE TWO HANDS ON THE BALL THATS THE MOAST GRINDSCRAPTASTICAL THING YOULL EVAR SEE
Somebody has to have him in the insanity league
Not in DFO2
YES A FLAG AFTER EVERY TOUCHDOWN
30+ yard FB dive TD run, fuck your fantasy teams, cunt nuggets.
FIRST GRITDOWN OF THE YEAR
KUUUUUUUUHNNNNNNN!!!
WHO?!-DOWN!
So has the NFL decided that Siemian is their new golden boy? They’re already at Favre levels of fellatio.
With Brady suspended, if the fellatio doesn’t get distributed around the league, Collinsworth and Nantz will explode.
Gritty Run
That helps no one.
ALL THE GRIT
Fullbackdown? Fullbackdown!
They look like WONDERFUL people
That’s some…interesting hair, Colleen.
Dr. Zaius approves.
DOCTOR SEMEN
Kept on looking for Patch Adams in that doctor commercial.
Fuck Notre Dame
This is always a correct answer.
Okay, what kind of turnover will the Donks do next
Holy shit! This darn thang let me log in again! Hiya folks! Hope nobody got the aids in the offseason!
Let’s not be too harsh on the new QB. Its a new Operating System. Its going to have some bugs.
Denver Broncos: Millennium Edition
“Who the fuck bought Quarterback Vista?!?”
No one. Let’s never speak of it again.
So Budlight just said they are the ones who moved the Rams to LA… Thats just wrong on so many reasons.
Well, the Rams used to be in St. Louis, and Budweiser used to be a St. Louis company, the exodus of which could be interpreted as a harbinger of wealth leaving the city.
AB was tired of being the second shittiest thing in St. Louis
Remove the Stone of Shame! Attach the Stone of Triumph!
It’s nice to see the Broncos have evolved from a fetushead to a full-blown Siemian.
CHICAGO DOG CATCHER, CHICAGO PEDIATRICIAN, CHICAGO MANICURIST, CHICAGO PHLEBOTOMIST
I might actually watch Chicago Dog Catcher.
Haven’t seen you around here, kid. Good to have you on board. Now go get me a bucket of bourbon.
Smallest container I have is a barrel. That work?
Chicago, Department of Elevators.
CHICAGO WATER QUALITY ANALYST
CHICAGO ACTUARY