Your Early Afternoon NFL Football Slate

Shall we do this? Let’s!

Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.

Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.

Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.

Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.

Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.

Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.

Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.

Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.

Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.

[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!

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Gratliff

FUCK YOU BLEERGH

Redshirt

Touchdown, AJ “Just a Throw It To Me, Dammnit” Green!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Ordinarily I’d root for the Jets but when you trot out that fucking ghoul Giuliani as your honorary captain I’m going to root for you to collapse like a couple of giant towers soaked in jet fuel.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Welp

theeWeeBabySeamus

Be cool assholes. Be nice. Beastie’s lady is amongst us.
How YOU doing?
comment image

Shogun Marcus

So pants? Gotdamnit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well….let’s not rule anything out.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Stalker alert! I may have to have Horatio file that restraining order after all…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Like that has EVAR stopped me, right?
j/k….just trying to respectful of your fine gal.
SO PLAY NICE BOYZ!!!!!!!

I Will Dye Blonde

Here’s some vodka!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I love her even moar now. Woooo vodka.

JustStopDude

Seriously…if y’all never used on before, I highly recommend getting a pressure cooker. I just made from scratch beef stew in like 30 minutes and it tastes like I have been simmering the shitty cuts of beef for days.

Gratliff

Counterpoint: A pressure cooker mishap will straight up kill you.

JustStopDude

You ain’t kidding. I pretty much researched the consumer reports like crazy before I got one. I dated a girl from India and they are hugely popular there.

I cannot believe how fucking fast it cooks shit.

Trevor Semen

Just ask anyone who ran the Boston Marathon

Moonbatting Average

You can do short ribs in an hour, instead of like 45 hours. They’re great

blaxabbath

I just don’t want to spend the money.

Gratliff

These may be the Brownsiest Browns to ever Brown.

Brocky

comment image

litre_cola

Out of distrust for our Iggles I started Crowell, and Barnidge.

Moonbatting Average

What the hell, KC defense?

entropy

This seems more like the Jets I know

Sharkbait

Melvin Gordon? Of course he’s on my bench. No, I dont want to start mainlining booze right now. Why do you ask?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t blame Melvin Gordon for YOUR bad decisions. Blame your spouse.

Sharkbait

I would but she’s in Newport on her bachelorette. I’ll still blame her.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Flacco, you can open your eyes now. Nice toss, you fuck up.

blaxabbath

Matthews sure is playing strong. Definitely didn’t let that Al Jazeera story get in the way of his PED use.

Bortleback

If he stopped using PEDs then the terrorists would win

Beastmode Ate My Baby

He’s
Gonna have major
Highlights today

Horatio Cornblower

But enough about his hair…

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

For the low, low price of free, Sunday Ticket is worth it. Now I need someone to push the buttons for me and feed me tacos.

theeWeeBabySeamus

something something push your sister’s buttons something something

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Womp womp

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m gonna buy a boat with a slow leak and a motor half filled with gasoline. Imma hog tie Flacco and Ubaldo Jimenez and drop them in it. I’m gonna aim it down the Chesapeake Bay and start the motor. Before it sinks somewhere off the shore of the Atlantic, maybe Joe and Ubaldo can figure out which of the two of them sucks moar. I honestly don’t know and don’t care….they both deserve what’s coming to them.

JustStopDude

Do you remember the clown show that was the QB’s circus prior to Flacco?

There are plenty of teams that would happily take Flacco off of Baltimore’s hands.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You have a lot of hate in you today. I could try to be your friend and see if something is wrong… I think I am just gonna see where it goes.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Today? Yeah, ok.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The Jags tie it up? Why, just who do these little upstarts think they are?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As a Bears fan, Go Jaguras!

blaxabbath

When GB loses, the NFC wins.

Redshirt

You misspelled NFL

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Pheel seems extra derpy today.

Gratliff

Happy that I benched Carson Wentz and up against Jordan Matthews.

blaxabbath

Amazed to see the JAX sharing a stadium with a soccer field. Thought these were supposed to be FOOTBALL-ONLY facilities?

Gratliff

Oh my god. Cleveland on 4th&5. REALLY!?

packman_jon

Anyone remember when Prince was interviewed for KSK? Fun times

litre_cola

I did like the celebrity “analysis” that used to get posted there. Long form version of Big Daddy Drews Robert Evans, Emmitt Smith etc.

Brocky

Not Julio Jones down!

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

So is new Macguyer wearing a wig or is that his real hair.

King Hippo

Mr. Winkles time!!

Gratliff

All the bad kickers!

litre_cola

You get a missed field goal, you get a missed field goal, everyone gets a missed field goal.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Eat the whole bag Tyrod. But I’m still not drunk enough to wish CTE on you. But the day is young.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Who is Glenn? How did we get him? Also nice play

Unsurprised

Happy 9/11! AKA Christmas for assholes.

packman_jon

EAT AT GAY HOOTERS!

Trevor Semen

Gay Hooters? I think I saw Eddie Lacy working there once

packman_jon

No, that was his breakfast

JustStopDude

CBS is remaking MacGuyver?

Fuck it…I think i now want ISIS to win.

Mother Puncher

Yea, but he’s hot this time

blaxabbath

Lethal Weapon….THE SHOW!!

Redshirt

I’m getting too old for CBS’s shit.

Mother Puncher

Clearly I haven’t posted here in a while and forgot how pictures work.

Redshirt

Not sure if the Bengals realized it’s the Regular Season or if the Jets realizes they’re the Jets

litre_cola

Gratliff if the Iggles win today we have to savour it as me thinks the happy moments will be few and far between this season

Gratliff

And if not, they may be non-existant.

ThePirateSloth

I’m a Raiders fan for this season, in the memory of my friend. Since I was unable to attend his service yesterday, it’s been nonstop texts from my friends this morning as they’re all together to watch the game for him. I apologize in advance for any WHOOOOOOO RAIDAHHHHHHHHHHHHHS comments today and the rest of the season.

packman_jon

That’s the Packers D

Shogun Marcus

dom dom DOM!!!

Trevor Semen

Wide right in Philly. He kicked a curveball there

Sharkbait

Refs in the Eagles-Browns game just said a field goal was good, while the other said no good. When did they get replaced?

Gratliff

And a missed FG and now we get to see the Eagles we were all looking for.

Redshirt

Margus Hunt did something?!?!?!?!

JustStopDude

State Farm’s “Aaron Rogers throws a golf club through a car window” just shows that Tiger Woods’ big failing was the inability to creatively think on his feet when explaining shit to the cops.

packman_jon

Who’s Rogers?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dude was a pussy. Nevar admit to anything!!!!!!!!

Gratliff

I know it’s just the browns, but it’s fun watching Matthews run like he wants to hurt people.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Ah, still have the “Waiting for Godot” red zone offense in East Rutherford.

Mother Puncher

Having a awesome afternoon watching all these great running backs that were still on the board when I decided to pick up Jonathon Stewart and Arian Foster.

Redshirt

Bengals do a good?

Brocky

Rookie Center fumbles the snap?

Better blame cutler!

packman_jon

#AlwaysCutler

Brocky

#ALWAYSCutler

How the fuck ya been packman?

packman_jon

My God I hate Papa John’s ads

I mean the papa spells his name wrong

King Hippo

a sneak with Catler??

Gratliff

Tiny Fucking Darren, folks.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Balls

ThursdaySkyGoddess

BLOLOCKED!

Dick E. Phuck

Great red zone offense Jets.

JustStopDude

“Justin Kicker, the tucker, takes the field for field goal attempt”

litre_cola

I believe that 2 fantasy leagues is the sweet spot. 3 for money is too many, and I don’t even understand Sill’s league so I just watch that score…