Your Early Afternoon NFL Football Slate

Shall we do this? Let’s!

Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.

Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.

Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.

Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.

Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.

Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.

Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.

Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.

Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.

[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!

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The Maestro

Howdy, folks. I’m hiding in my garage, streaming RedZone off a laptop with a projector onto the door, totally ignoring my family reunion. Hope your afternoons are going as splendidly as mine!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mad respect to you, Sir.
May I send my family there so you can ignore them as well? Otherwise they might all be dead before week 2.

Sharkbait

Andy Reid may be gone from Philly, but his clock managing skills sure havent left town!

entropy

So we’re all prepared for me to be a fucking nightmare Thursday, right? Should I provide an emergency contact now, just in case?

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I’m going to prescribe you a serving of Bills fans breaking tables.
comment image?w=668&h=619

Doktor Zymm

I’m so happy football is back. It makes bars so much better.

litre_cola

Is Crabtree even playing?

John Difool

THIS GREEN BAY OFFENSE I CALL IT PRINCE, ‘CAUSE IT’S RODGERS TO NELSON

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Seismologists were concerned that the New Madrid fault was active. It was just so many fat guys jumping back off the Chefs bandwagon.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Showing me the Fox commentary team next to a spaceship only makes me wish they were on a failed flight and burned to death horribly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What fucking time is it in Alaska? My dipshit Aunt in Alaska is on the phone. She can burn in hell too.

herodotus450

Guys I thing tWBS’s last name might be Palin, pass it on.

litre_cola

The one from Nailin’ Palin?

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMAO…shut up.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Every time I see this Texans WR named “Fuller V” I think about Pam Poovey.

ThePirateSloth

comment image

packman_jon

Jordy Nelson is the official WR of Packers fans that voted for Scott Walker and have a Make America Great Again hat

ThePirateSloth

I feel that if you must include a Buzzfeed quote as a selling point for your new TV show, then it is a TV show that I know will not be interesting, good, or even remotely watchable.

Bortleback

Those clicks aren’t going to bait themselves, you know

blaxabbath

When will my smart tv allow me to click through slideshows during commercials?

Horatio Cornblower

My god the urine content of that pool in Jacksonville must be off the charts.

Bortleback

What in the shit are the titans running? Are they trying to get mariota killed?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck him up so that Chip doesn’t want him anymore.

Col. Duke LaCross

Demarco goes Superman…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know what makes this Bears game great? Having the announcing crew on mute.

litre_cola

Suck on that RG3, come out with a new slogan for that shitty throw.

John Difool

That was so very Factory right there.

Doktor Zymm

Only down side, inflight wifi doesn’t support streaming video so I cant watch once I board

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Zymm, you da bes.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Man this Jihad Ward on the Raiders really knows how to Rushdie.

Doktor Zymm

I ended up in an exit row, which was great, and now i’m watching oak/no with a beer during my layover. This is turning out okay. Woo! Also, my fantasy team is doing better than my yahoo draft grade of D plus would lead one to believe

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Just saw the video of HRC that blaxxabath mentioned and HOLYSHITGETREADYFORPRESIDENTTRUMPYOUGUYS.

Spur
blaxabbath

RELY ON ME FOR ALL YOUR UNBIASED NFL/ELECTION2016 NEWS!

Bortleback

Plz, America, don’t do dis

blaxabbath

Ironically, the sooner she dies, the sooner Kaine (or however you spell it — I don’t care about VPs) can destroy the election because he isn’t Clinton or Trump.

Redshirt

Bengals O-line is trying to get Dalton killed.

entropy

I’m ok with that

Trevor Semen

You can’t kill something that’s already soulless

packman_jon

Can you kill what is already dead inside?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I hate to ask but does anyone have a streaming site they use? My Bears game stream is shit and I refuse to watch Jax/GB which is what is on my TV

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You will watch GB/JAX and you will LIKE IT, young man!

Gratliff

Reddit and streaming apps is the best way to avoid random trojans getting installed.

blaxabbath

I use frontrowsports typically but I might have some of those trojans Gratliff mentioned.

Gratliff

The second you take off adblocker for them, you’re fucked.

Lord Joe Don Looney

http://www.stream2watch.cc/live-sports

This works in Firefox. In Chrome it is a bit strange.

Gratliff

SO GLAD CHIP GOT RID OF SHADY

Spur

Alex Smith could not look any worse.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh I suspect he can…

ThePirateSloth

comment image

Yesterday I watched The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas for the first time in years… I forgot how damned attractive Dolly Parton was.

I also forgot how great that cast was.

King Hippo

Folk Implosion

Trevor Semen

Is Hopkins wearing Yeezy cleats? Lemme guess, the cleats also have solid gold tips.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And will be doing an oldies tour with Jamiroquai in 3 years.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m getting random texts from friends about realtime things happening in games that aren’t the Bears game. No red zone channel until later!

King Hippo

smgdh, why couldn’t Mama Called Him Clay I’mma Call Him Clay score that TD??

Brocky

I’m starting Lacy in 3 leagues

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Chargers looking to really get San Diego’s hopes up this year. You know, before they collapse and move.

blaxabbath

It’s like hearing a DV victim speak to a high school auditorium full of kids not paying attention.

Redshirt

If I’m a DB, I’m going to start drop kicking WRs, just so I don’t get flagged for hits to head.

Trevor Semen

Just punch them in the dick instead

Spur

Rivers is on fire.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good to see Old Testament God is back.

Horatio Cornblower

Is he playing in Cleveland? Get it? Rivers on fire? Cleveland?

Oh fuck off; my mom says I’m funny.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Last night she said…
(shit, I had something for this)

Horatio Cornblower

Brandon Marshall is never a defenseless receiver, in that there are so many of him on every play.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I love Siciliano explaining the RedZone channel and Sunday Ticket during the free trial like we’re children.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Hey, um, I was mad that you made me leave my room, so I made up a domestic violence charge that got you kicked out of school. I’m totally sorry.”

http://www.al.com/auburnfootball/index.ssf/2016/09/woman_recants_domestic_violence_claim_factored_jovon_robinson_dismissal_auburn.html

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Should read, leave your room*

Gratliff

I like how one idiot’s work is going to do so much to undermine the progress made actually getting shit reported at schools.

blaxabbath

“I feel the same way.”

-Every coach and administrator in the NCAA and its member schools

King Hippo

Damn you, I need you to float a TD, King Laserface

King Hippo

LIKE THAT

ArmedandHammered

Ask and ye shall receive, like Woodhead.

Horatio Cornblower

Phil Simms is using the telestrator to prove that he has no idea who playing where. He literally just got three names wrong before Nantz stepped in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

smgdh
I hate football.
No, no….I hate SPORTS.

litre_cola

I hear scrapbooking is fun.

blaxabbath

Brother, you are in both the absolute wrong and right place.

blaxabbath

Anyone seen the video of Hillary leaving the 9/11 Memorial? Even the NFL would look at that and suggest she go through the concussion protocol (after confirming that she isn’t black Cam Newton).

Horatio Cornblower

I’m sure the internet will react calmly and reasonably.

blaxabbath

She’s not going to last until the election.

Redshirt

…and Nugent is hurt. Yeah, we don’t need a kicker.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s quality special-teamin’ there Cincy.

Gratliff

Revis Isle is much more customer friendly than I remember.

Bortleback

Low tide has revealed Revis Island is actually a peninsula

John Difool

Factory of Sadness Smog/Ozone Level: Yellow

Spur

Carr baby! Be careful!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cutler sacked. Finish your drink.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is that not supposed to be an every play thing?

Gratliff

Fuck that. That’s not PI.

BrettFavresColonoscopy