Your Monday Night Football Double-Header Open Thread

[feels a bit icky making a baseball-related reference]

Damn, I like this 7:10 (eastern) starting time. Sometimes my extraordinarily strict post-work beer, scotch, cider, wine and martini regimen catches up to me and the world starts spinning and the games (yes, the games) lose their focus and I have to find out the score the following morning. This way I’m guaranteed to be coherent all the way into the third quarter of the first tilt. Enough about me-TO THE GAMES!

Steelers/Redacted’s-I feel as though Pittsburgh without the services of rb Bell and wr’s Bryant and Wheaton is a team playing with one arm tied behind their back but it won’t make much difference in the end. I think it has a lot to do with not being able to judge the prospects of Washington objectively because Dan Snyder has come to be the embodiment of a number of shitbags I deal with in my work setting. [takes a deep breath] Everyone is yakking about the Norman/Brown showdown but doesn’t the former play just one half of the field? I’m sure Brown will get moved around a bit and they will cross paths but I think it’s cb Breeland (with help from Hall?) that does the heavy lifting. It’ll be a tiny bit interesting to see who among Coates, Heyward-Bey and Rogers gets the majority of catches. Cousins’ pursuit of a long-term deal would benefit from a home win here.

Rams/Niners-As hc Kelly prepares for the game Jim Tomsula (“we hardly knew ya”) prepares for the coming hobopocalypse. A wasteland of discarded bindles and can-openers awaits mankind-he’ll be the first to tell you! STAY AWAY FROM THE SWITCHYARDS, PEOPLE! The game? Gurley runs roughshod on the Niners and qb’s Keenum(what?) and Gabbert(who?) try their damnedest to keep their combined giveaways below 7. Fantasy-wise, if Hyde goes for 35+ I may just squeak out a not-earned victory.

There she be. Now…LET’S WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS!

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Redshirt

24-9? But it was 24-6 when I saw the [*Redacted] s driving. That means they only got…

Damn it, Washington! This ain’t NBA Jam. There are no multiplier on the field!

herodotus450

Technically makes it a two possesion game instead of three though. ppl forget that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just realized that kid looks suspiciously like someone I know.
smgdh

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Man. Now I want ice cream.

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litre_cola

This evening had so much promise then the [Redacteds] go and play like a true NFC East representative. My only question is that if the potheads were playing how much more of a blowout would this be?

Old School Zero

Probably, like… 420?

Sep

$2000? What’s a team gonna buy with that?

LemonJello

Hookers and blow?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Your mom?
(sorry…sorry)

Sep

No No… Dad?

Doktor Zymm

I hear Cousins got some extra training this weekend…
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...

This will never not be incredible to watch.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite?

WCS

via Ape:
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...

He kinda looks like hell. Maybe he’s ill. Has he been coughing? Has he fallen recently? MAYBE HE’S DYING.

Sill Bimmons

HES GOAT TEH CONSUMPTION

Old School Zero

Washington’s new slogan they picked in the offseason, “Aggression to the Mean” is just not what they thought it was.

Sep

HHIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!! NSZ sent me here.

Old School Zero

Oh dear. That means he’s back in our timeline. Cover your buttholes and guard your beer.

Sep

I didn’t even tell him I had moved. Drank all my beer before I got home.

Old School Zero

That fucker.

Sill Bimmons

[REDACTEDS] are killing themselves.

indieguy

The ghost of Andrew Jackson approves.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Shot of miserable Dan Snyder is so good.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Made this at the old place
http://i.imgur.com/egG37T5.jpg

Sep

This was a glorious day at KSK

Doktor Zymm

Hm..this game may have gone past French. Maybe I should make a Pimm’s cup and casually make jokes that are in rather poor taste while condescending to marry someone in trade because I squandered the fortune my ancestors accrued by being horrible people instead….

...

Or you could watch the Cubs. 😀

Doktor Zymm

This game is not to the “stab myself in the eye with a rusty syringe I found in a toilet” level yet.

Sill Bimmons

Your toilet?

If so, you might want to change the locks.

Doktor Zymm

Nah, I would have to go out and look for one. I’m sure there’s plenty of toilet needles in Chicago

Shogun Marcus

Will this Pimms Cup be in a pimp cup?

Shogun Marcus

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Doktor Zymm

Damn right!

Old School Zero

More like Josh Normal.

Sill Bimmons

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Physics, bitches!!!!!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Damn, I was too slow

Sill Bimmons

WHO CARES

litre_cola

I want to say Jay Cutler.

Kungjitsu

I’m not Tom Landry or Bill Parcells, but I’m pretty sure single covering Antonio Brown isn’t a good idea.

Sharkbait

I NEED THAT CELEBRATION GIF IMMEDIATELY

JustStopDude

I am watching as my fantasy football lead implodes…

Beerguyrob

Nice to see Antonio not caring about getting the 15-yards for the Hingle McCringleberry.

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LemonJello

He’d been fine if he stopped at two pumps.

King Hippo

holy cats, what a throw that was. I am impress

ThursdaySkyGoddess

TwerkBrownDown!

Sill Bimmons

wow

WCS

Antonio Brown isn’t human.

Sill Bimmons
Col. Duke LaCross

THIS STEELERS DEFENSE I’M CALLING A SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE OZARKS, CAUSE THEY’RE HAVING THEIR WAY WITH COUSINS

Don’t you guys love lopsided MNF games.

Glorious Chairman Dan

Kirk is back in 2014 form…. nuFoles?

JustStopDude

Someone check…is Cousins legally blind?

Glorious Chairman Dan

Comrade Garcon has rescued the mission. Or, rather, had, thanks to the crippling ineptitude of Captain Kirk.

Sill Bimmons

For all the James Harrison PED Truthers, who do make a decent argument, just remember that he didn’t play for four full seasons so the mileage on his clock isn’t the whole 38 years.

...

Welp. That’s gotta crush your hopes.

Doktor Zymm

I miss the sorta competent Kirk from like, half of the games last year

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He set an NFL record for completion percentage last year. I wish my QB was that “sorta competent”

Doktor Zymm

He’s got better people catching than Cutler has, and is in a system that meshes well with his style. Everything is set up for him to do well.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Of course he threw a bad pick right as I was saying that

theeWeeBabySeamus

THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE
(he just said it…wooooo)

King Hippo

It’s almost like the Redacteds weren’t actually any good, but rather an offshoot of their Romonobyled (by health boo boos) division.

Doktor Zymm

Aw, you read my preview!

In all honesty though, they’re probably still the shiniest turd in the NFC East. Yesterday did not make a strong argument for anyone else.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No argument here.

King Hippo

True. Hopefully, Captain Kirk invested his $20M conservatively.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Breaking news: Fuck the Red Sox

theeWeeBabySeamus
...

IT’S TIME FOR MOTHERFUCKING BATTLE!!!!

Col. Duke LaCross

Drew loves him a nice dreamcicle.

LemonJello

Future subject of “Making of a Murderer” right there…

WCS

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

Boss Todd aged 10 years over the off-season.

WCS

Rough winter livin’ in the backseat of the Camaro, surviving only on nicotine and Sterno.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

So, fairly major allergy attack last night. Adrenaline, hard heart beat, fever, my circulation is still messed up since I’m warm but my hands are cold.

So vodka’s a great idea, right?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yikes dude.
And maybe not such a great idea, but go for it and let’s see what happens.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Right? I mean, I could run it past my wife…but she might say no. That’s why I’m trying to get support from you guys first. You know, strength in numbers and all that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Disclaimer…you might die.
But yeah, don’t let wifey in on the decision making here. Told ya so’s are always worse than the ambulance ride itself.

Shogun Marcus

I’d wave off until things calm down.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Sure, sure…voice of reason. Way to kill my non-existent buzz, man!

Shogun Marcus

Hey you do as you please. Just saying I prefer you alive as opposed to the alternative internet person!

WCS

Just keep some benedryl near by.

King Hippo

if not, the vodka will retroactively convince you it was a good idea

Doktor Zymm

Allergies are the overreaction of the immune system. Alcohol suppresses the immune system. This could form a solid basis for your vodka idea.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You’ve always been my favorite, Dok.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I genuinely am worried for you, but unless it is an alcohol allergy go for it. I believe someone suggested keeping benedryl around, that is always a good idea.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Nah, I’m OK. Basically some sneaky bastich somewhere in a food company personally hates me and snuck enzymes into a dough we’d bought for years that had previously been enzyme-free.

WCS

Hey, Sill–

Are the Insanity League’s scoring the same this season?

Sill Bimmons

Think so. Don’t remember making any changes. Why?

WCS

I was hoping that was the case.

PRAISE INSANITY

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This has nothing to do with anything but looking up Sunny clips from the original pilot seemed like a good way to spend my halftime

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vfkNnBTUrY

Doktor Zymm

Turning the ice maker on. Jetlag or no jetlag, I should probably make a martini, affect a horrible French accent, fill myself with ennui, and make crypic comments about football and existentialism.

...

I wish I had an ice maker. 🙁

...

So, if the Cubs can sweep this series in St. Louis, they clinch the division AND get to rub it in the face of those haughty, T-Rav chompers.

John Difool

Chris Berman taking his TV makeup off

http://i.imgur.com/PtU4p9U.jpg

John Difool

O.k., that was the wrong pic… but somehow it fits.

Moonbatting Average

I can’t see the pic, so I’ll pretend it’s of a lizard person from V

LemonJello

Alternately, the aliens in They Live when viewed through the sunglasses?

Doktor Zymm

I know no one wants to hold onto Ben’s Balls, but that’s no excuse for not securing any of those potential turnovers…

Sill Bimmons
...

…wha?

Sill Bimmons

Preciousness Quota reached and breached.

...

So she’s one of those “Being a mommy is so AMAZING and such an accomplishment!” types?

Eugh. You spawned. Fucking braindead fish do that.

Sill Bimmons
Redshirt

(looks down at beer belly)

I’ve taken you for granted.

Sill Bimmons

Why would someone make that up?

Redshirt

Uh, Chris? Your face is falling off.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

DFO Reluctlantly Presents: The Beastmode Ate My Baby Halftime Special

Carry On My Wayward Ben

The music:

The lyrics:

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Once Ben’s head was full of noise and confusion
No one knew what pharmaceuticals Ben was usin’
He was acting very creepy
But he was a QB

Ben is full of slime, he not fine man
Though Ben committed crime he a free man
Ben still hear voices when he sleepy
He think he hear them say

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Ben now play all the games in a season
Ben thinks the cheerleaders are just teasin’
Ben not sure how to be good man
The Ben really just don’t know

The Ben misses using all the lotion
The Ben banned from using sleepy-potion
The Ben is going to make a fortune
But the voices say

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

Carry on
The Ben cannot remember
Carry on
The Ben think it December
The Ben wonders if he should listen
And does no mean no?

Carry on my wayward Ben
Remember bad-touch is a sin
Just because there was no arrest
Please don’t block the door

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO.
Where’s your wife anyway?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Home, but still working. She’ll be here for Part Deux.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry, I can’t help being the dick I am.
The voices in my head think I’m funny even if no one else does.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

No dickishness inferred! Personally I think yer hilarious, but I’m pretty messed up, so…

Redshirt

Can this be a Banner Quote? I know its kind of long, but…its beautiful.

...

I’ll bet he calls his penis his “wayward Ben.”

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Why are the analysts surprised that Ben Roethlisberger would get his balls out quick? Remember who we’re talking about here…

Trevor Semen

Also, ESPN easily has the best commentary crew on TV. The generic white guy isn’t too generic, and there’s Jon Gruden

theeWeeBabySeamus

Haltime Muzak.
Best song title IN EVAR!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIG8RjDklFg

litre_cola

They are so good live.