Scene: Everyone at the DFO Clubhouse is diligently creating the best dick jokes on the internet. All of a sudden they hear a commotion outside and someone screaming, seemingly into a phone. The noise dies down but just as everyone goes back to work…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Courier: Sorry about the noise, these four guys have been calling me every 3 minutes for the last 12 hours harassing me about delivering this to you guys. Must be important… (hands over a giant envelope to Darkest Timeline Zach Morris, gives a sigh of relief and walks out of the Clubhouse).

[Darkest Timeline Zach Morris opens the envelope and begins reading the enclosed letter. His eyes grow wide as he reads]

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris: Oh, God. It’s from that Free Ballin’ Football Podcast we decided to team up with… this though… this is a bit more than I thought.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Well… what the hell does it say?

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris: It’s best if you just read it yourselves… and someone grab the bourbon.

[The entire DFO Clubhouse gathers ’round to see what they’ve gotten themselves into]

MEMORANDUM

TO: Door Flies Open Editorial Board

CC: Free Ballin’ Footballers

FROM: Rocco Riscaldi, Communications Liaison

DATE: 10/25/16

SUBJECT: Introducing The Free Ballin’ Football Podcast

In light of the recent agreement by the Door Flies Open Editorial Board to feature content authored and editorialized by The Free Ballin’ Football Podcast, the principals of “The Pod” have contracted me (at great expense) to assume the role of Communications Liaison on their behalf. As such, my first order of business (other than to make outrageous salary demands for reasons that will soon become abundantly clear) is to transcribe a message to the Door Flies Open audience (or “GenPop” as they have come to be known by the principals) in order to introduce them to “The Pod.”

As a professional courtesy, however, I felt it necessary to first address you, the DFO Editorial Board, in order to forewarn you as to the level of ineptitude and lack of professionalism with which you are entreating.  You will no doubt discover this for yourselves in future dealings with the principals, but having now satisfied my own conscience in this matter, I’ll deign to my duties regarding the transcription of an introductory note that was cobbled together from a series of voicemails, disjointed text messages, and one particularly threatening in-person conversation with one of the principals that was laughed off by the others as him being “moody.”

“To all GenPop Readers of Door Flies Open:

We are The Free Ballin’ Football Podcast and were [sic] here to take over the Internet.  We have the biggest dicks and the hottest takes on PRO FOOBAWL.  What you can expect from The Pod:

– Weekly Game Recaps and Previews
– Gambling and Fantasy Advice
– Relentless Criticism of NFL Hypocrisy and POOR LEAGUE PERFORMANCE
– Relentless Criticism of MEDIOCRE PLAYING PERFORMANCE (see: Todd Gurley)
– Relentless Criticism of our fellow co-hosts
– A Whole Lot More

Get on board because we’re here to dominate the interweb airwaves. With your help, we may even buy out Bill Simmons’ new website, physically kick him out of the building and force him to watch an endless loop of this past Sunday’s SEA vs. AZ game… SO THAT should be some extra incentive for you to be early adopters.”

The above (or at the very least something of that consequence) is what they actually wanted me to have you print!  Personally I felt it would be better if they simply described what it was that they actually do and have to offer your audience.  As far as I can tell, the four principals call each other up to discuss American football.  None of them have any professional background in the industry. They tend to be long on opinion and speculation, but they’re occasionally insightful and frequently funny.  I would dare to say that I find them to be entertaining. That is if you can overlook their wretchedly foul language, but I digress.  They also impressed upon me the importance of “plugging the ever-living shit” out of “The Pod” and wanted me to include the following as a sign off:

“Were [sic] pumped about becoming a part of the DFO community and for all the Kommenters in GenPop to listen to The Free Ballin’ Football Podcast. We’ll be up with our podcast in a DFO post on Thursday. In the meantime, here is where you can find us:

Subscribe on iTunes here (don’t forget to rate and review!)

Listen on SoundCloud here

Follow us on Twitter: @BallinPodcast  and always remember to BALL OUT!!“

Please feel free to publish what you see fit within the constraints of your editorial voice… Godspeed.

Signed (on behalf of the principals of The Free Ballin’ Football Podcast),

Rocco Riscaldi