As I write this, we are in the Saturday before Week 8 of the 2016 Regular Season. We started out with the treat that was the high-chroma matchup of Thursday Night Turdball poster children, the Jaguras and Titans. Luckily for Bortles and Jaymes aficionados/fantasy football owners, the Garbage Time King did what he do and provided for his followers. For Jags fans, not so much.
As we were standing around pantsless by the DFO water cooler/beer fridge, someone who shall not be named to protect their innocence (porque, mi amigo, porque?) said that crappy NFL was better than no NFL. Granted, I have discovered a great way to spend the offseason (and I do apologize for not telling you who won the Grand Final. It was Western. I do have a good reason, though…), so my perspective on the vast wasteland that is the offseason is slightly skewed.
Anyhoo, in response to this bold statement, I made a bold statement of my own:
“I will vigorously disagree that bad football is better than no football in the same way that bad sex is better than no sex. No, it is not.”
I stand by this statement.
Of course, discussion ensued amongst the DFOers and so I felt compelled to do some research and make my case. Interestingly enough, the reasons why Bad Sex is worse than No Sex are the same as why Bad Football is worse than No Football. Let’s explore them, shall we?
#1 Reason for Bad Sex/Football
No wonder Viagra and Cialis are the biggest NFL advertisers! Impotence has got to be the biggest contributor to bad sex experiences. As the football equivalent, I present to you
Try as hard as they might, those two just couldn’t get it in. Now, obviously that particular game is an outlier, but the situation where your team cannot, for the love of all that is good and kind, cannot do what it wants to do is familiar for every other team. Too many times, teams that should be able to score at will (my Steelers being a prime example) shit the bed and can’t get anything going to save their lives.
The converse is when your team’s defense couldn’t stop your grandmother in a walker from crossing the street.
It is extremely frustrating as a fan to watch your team not able to execute. And being unable to do anything about it. No wonder Cialis pills are a color somewhere between orange and brown!
Reason #2 why Bad Sex/Football is worse than No Sex/Football
Have you ever had sex with someone that had absolutely no idea what they were doing? To the point that they did something that really hurt?
The football equivalent is
Having your team’s coach call a stupid timeout or challenge a play that was clearly called correctly or not call a timeout when he should is akin to your partner taking a bite out of crime, so to speak. It just takes you out of the moment. Things are going good, there is hope for a good outcome and then
Honestly, at that point you wish that you hadn’t even gotten started.
Reason #3 why Bad Sex/Football is worse than No Sex/Football
Lack of effort. In the bedroom, this can manifest itself in many forms: no foreplay, no imagination, no mental connection. In the football field, I give you
Neither of these teams have done anything to try to improve the on-field product and yet they expect the public to love them and give them all their money. You know what that’s like?
Now, considering it all, don’t you think it’s much better to just
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0t_56ck18g8
My name is Balls of Steel and I approve this message.
I welcome dissenting opinions/bad sex stories in the comments.
Muy persuasivo, mi amigo. I’ll have to mull this one over–as to le sex though, not football.
IMHO, I’ll take bad football over none until I wholly lose interest in the NFL. I used to be a hardcore Lakers and Reds fan, but I stopped caring about MLB and NBA altogether. It was gradual after getting into college; I had spent 6 years attending a middle- & high school for boys. Sharing classrooms with females every, single, day, shifted priorities.
Sunday has been NFL day forever, though. That will never change.
Maybe.
Bad sex can be 2 people that don’t click in the bedroom/bar bathroom/ford tempo/brothel. I definitely have had mind blowing sex with someone I wasn’t all that attracted to and mediocre with a smokeshow.
Howevah, Divorced years ago and went out and got completely blackout and picked up a solid 5…. Took her home things started reached in the drawer for a condom, slid in on and then realized that it was the desensitive Durex, made so you last longer. Well ole litre cola didn’t need to desensitize that night and then passed out. Woke up the next morning, to my surprise there was a woman in my bed. Looked over at her to see if I did well as I had 0 recollection. The 5 perhaps was a 3 and I really wanted her to leave but she woke up and wanted another go and it turned out to be mind blowing and she was in the booty call rolodex for 3 years. Never introduced her to my friends though….
Since no one is posting, I feel like maybe I’ll share Porky’s Bad Sex story.
I was working at a flooring company in SoCal (front office). Went out with an asst. mgr. for drinks…not sure why, me and the guy NEVER hung out, but anyway…we met up with people he casually knew at some bar in Hollywood. A girl caught my eye, pretty face, nice smile, stacked. I am mostly useless at flirting/picking up, with or without alcohol. For some reason, something in my head clicked and I was on point. I was funny, assertive, suave, and even fucking DANCING and this is no small thing…basically like the scene from Beerfest where Barry imagines he’s a pimp picking up a 10 and instead he sloppily bags Mo’Nique, except I’m ACTUALLY DOING IT. (OK, she was like an 8 but still.). Unfortunately we had both hitched rides with other people,she lived in like Burbank, I was still slumming in Whittier, so we kissed a bit and exchanged numbers. I properly waited a few days (again, out of character) and made a date. Took her to Hollywood, bowling at Lucky Strikes (classier than it sounds), nice dinner at Citywalk, and again, everything clicking on all cylinders. I’m practically a different goddamn person, that’s how well I’m doing. So, back to her place. She totally wants to jump me, and vice versa. Condom ready, sexy time is a go, and–
–it turns out she plays a lot of softball on the weekends. She’s a catcher. She swears that this is the reason for what happens next. We start off and…Porky ain’t John Holmes, just saying. But it’s not going in. I mean it is not going in. There’s tight, and then there’s vise grip. Finally, we have a fit and…no we don’t. We simply don’t. She rips the condom off me repeatedly. It’s like trying to sex an ear canal. Lubrication is not the issue. Sheer Kegel power is the issue, and it is so tight I feel like she might rip my damn dick off if she sneezes. AND THEN SHE FUCKING SNEEZES, SWEAR TO GOD. It’s like a pitbull with no teeth is trying to destroy a chew toy, but the chew toy is my dick. She gives me the softball story, but moment is over, especially since she rebuffs my attempt to satisfy her needs in a different way and she makes no effort whatsoever to do so in my favor. I wasn’t mad, just disappointed. We make out a bit, make small talk, I go home and because I could at this time in my life, made a somewhat shameful call to the booty bullpen to take the edge off the night. Fortunately, that girl was home and ready to go. I called Vise Grip Girl back a day later, but after a shy conversation, she stopped answering her phone. A few weeks later I met my future wife, so no harm no foul.
That’s a great goddamn story.
I’m crying here
I LOVE THIS STORY!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-R4XKuI7rA
Without bad football there would be no bad Jets football.
Without bad Jets football, there would be no struggggggling.
Without strugggggling, there would have been no KSK.
Without KSK, there is no DFO.
What was the question again?
I would like 2 more runs on either side please.
Bad sex is unquestionably worse than no sex. Bad football, however, is not worse than no football, and the key difference is that you can laugh at bad football without hurting anyone’s feelings.
You can also fall asleep in the middle with a similar lack of consequences!
So which is the open thread tonight?
The only times I ever had bad sex was when I was legitimately disinterested in the other person. No hate, no love, just “towards the end of the relationship” sex that seemed more dutiful than anything else…. which, now that I think of it, seems alarmingly like watching the NFL some days.
Well. Shit. Now I’m depressed.
Sometimes your a son. Other times, your just a guy what come out of another guy’s wife.
So fuckin’ funny. So fuckin’ FAST!
I wish I had used this as my senior quote in high school.
How much personal responsibility should be accepted for bad sex?
Because most of my sex experiences have been a whole lot of fun.
Speaking of which, hey Balls, my favorite Thai massage place, yes the one with the ceiling apparatus, has reopened.
Sweet!
Stupid vice squads.
Sweet!
I dunno. I know a guy that couldn’t stand the lady’s “scent” and puked while going down on her. Are you gonna blame him for that one?
Yeah if it’s all ladies scent that he is opposed to.
If it’s just the one? He may be forgiven.
Yes. If it was someone he knew well, he could say, “baby, you stanky, maybe go see a doctor” If it wasn’t, there’s no need to stay down there to the point of vomit.
My “Like” button stopped responding.
So, the Viagra commersh w/ the Latina chick in the blue dress? Why is the male’s head so intentionally obscured? Do they not want us to see he’s black? If not, why not?
Don’t fuckin’ get mad at me. I didn’t film the fucking thing.
Awww we still love you, man!
Could you guys adopt me, then?
Wait, which commercial with a latina chick? I don’t think I’ve seen that one!
Really? It’s the one that runs constantly these days. And I thought the entire point of those commercials was the anonymity of the guy… like, we’re all supposed to believe we could be with the chick, if only we’d bring single-dose Viagra packets!
My confusion is this: is there more or less embarrassment associated with taking just a single pack of Viagra compared to the whole bottle/box/crate? I mean, if you’re getting away to bang the trophy wife, wouldn’t you want more than a single dose of Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice on hand?
Hey! That’s a trademark!
http://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/40yearoldvirgin-useit.gif?w=650
Depends what “it” is, but so far … No.
I honestly tried to finish watching the end of last Thursday’s game.
I turned to Food Network and watched Chopped instead. It was the special Beat Bobby Flay edition!
And getting your dick scraped by a set of teeth is not fun at all.
oh yeah, getting a bad BJ and thinking of your darkest thoughts trying desperately to finish so she will stop…that ain’t no good at all
/happily retired
//usually was the problem, not the victim
I seriously considered suing Food Network for false advertising on that one. You call the show “Beat Bobby Flay” and the sunofabitch never ends up with so much as a bruise or a rolling pin broken over his head.
It was 1988. I was dressed like Rico Tubbs, jacket and all. A young lady was being really REALLY nice to me in my Suzuki Samurai. She was drunk on warm Sun Country Wine Cooler. I had a physiological reaction to her kindness, and since I was 17 there was a lot. All of that wine cooler came back up and drenched my Rico Tubbs suit and my cloth seats and floor mats. I don’t know if I came to a complete stop when I dropped her off at her house, because there was no way I was explaining why she was crying and covered in vomit to her Viet Nam vet dad.
Those piece of shit Suzuki’s went from 0 to 60 in like three days, and Major Dad had a brand new Corvette. I kept looking back for headlights, I’d never been so scared in my life.
This is awesome!
No.
Hell no.
Is the WORST sex ever worse than no sex? Yes. But is sloppy slightly disappointing sex worse than no sex? NO. Watching a steady diet of Browns and Jags is worse than watching no football. But DAK and glimpses of other fun, even marred by shitty officiating and the rest of the blights of this season > no football.
This perspective may be informed by past long droughts between vaginas.
I have no basis for comparison, but at least sex has a personal commitment and participation that is based on a set of mutually agreed upon, if only implicit, rules including consent and the intent not to harm each other. Watching bad football does not. It is not only a celebration of the semi-consensual destruction of the weakest elements of the business enterprise (the field hands, at the expense of billionaire owners. We won’t even begin to touch college football), the propagation of intellectually harmful and insulting drivel, and the promotion of no end of bullshit and harmful nonsense — from being #upforwhatever and every shitty, heart-clogging snack and casual dining shithole to the farce of how profitable insurance is that they can splooge all over your TV screen non-stop for the most expensive time slots in broadcasting — while actively turning off your body and brain (the metabolism of people actively watching television is lower than during REM sleep) and the collateral effects of whatever shit you consume while watching all while likely having a negative effect all its own on your mental, physical, and social health.
Fuck bad football. Bad football is killing you.
DAK is not bad football. I’m talking STRICTLY bad football.
Just because you had great sex with a hot girl one long weekend doesn’t make it ok that there was a shameful embarrasing weeknight three days earlier. The two are mutually exclusive.
They really aren’t, even with the best partner in the world every sex isn’t going to be fantastic sex. There’s going to be the occasional bad sex, and sort of by definition it’s mostly going to be average sex, but you deal with the occasional unsatisfying bit because it comes in a package with the great bits. That’s how most teams are, and indeed probably the NFL as a whole. Even the Browns play a role, they get the occasional pity fuck, but mostly just make other teams look more attractive when playing them.
Exactly!
AND NOW, YOUR CLEVELAND BROWNS, THE PITY FUCKS OF THE NFL!
That could grow some legs and dance around a bit.
I LIKE IT!
yeah, definitely a sliding scale FOAR BOTH