You might have heard on the news that there’s an election happening soon for some government job on Tuesday. The two main candidates have favorability ratings somewhere in the realm of bedbugs and cockroaches. There have been things called “debates” which looked like something out of Wilmer Valderrama’s Yo Momma (yes, that was a real show) because they somehow didn’t turn into Mortal Kombat. If you want to have the off-chance of voting for a third party candidate, you could either go with the man who has no idea about foreign affairs or leaders, the doctor who is against vaccinations, or the other guy we just started hearing about a week or so ago which is enough to give him a fighting chance with the stormin’ Mormons in Utah because we haven’t heard anything about him to immediately determine he’s incompetent. (Yet.)

The short version? We’s fucked. The long version? We’s fucked, but it’s up to us, the American people, to determine which variety of fucked we are, whether a slower burn or the “fuck it, burn it all down” explodey-type version. No, Gary Johnson/Jill Stein/Evan McMullin don’t have a realistic shot; yes, we know the two-party system has problems; no, we’re not going to fix it anytime soon.

There always seems to be someone writing in Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse, though. And I think whoever those write-ins are would probably be better candidates than who we have now, so we gave it a shot with a two-round draft. Except for Horatio and DTZM who never posted a second pick. And Beerguyrob and Why Eagles Why, they got there late. And tWBS who didn’t wait his turn and took his second-rounder early. But most of us followed directions because as opposed to the candidates, we live in a nation of laws!

(Science laws too, ppl forget that.) Anyway, let’s get this started. Quotes are by the person who made the pick. First pick goes to…

Horatio: Alfred E. Neuman

Low Commander: Cam Newton

“If nothing else, because it’ll infuriate Trump supporters and Peter King alike.”

tWBS: Turd Ferguson

“(It’s a funny name.)”

Balls: Lrr, ruler of Omicron Perseid 8

“Let’s face it, since the end of Single Female Lawyer, the world has needed an invasion by a tough yet fair ruler that doesn’t understand why Ross, as the biggest Friend, doesn’t simply just eat the others.”

Make it snow: Duke, the dog mayor of Cormorant, MN

“Duke has two years executive experience as mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota, and was recently elected to serve a third. He boasts one of the highest approval ratings for any American elected official, and residents report he “has done great things for the community.'”

Rikki: Mr. Burns’s heroic dog (from “Homer’s Enemy”)

“THE RUN ON DOGS HAS BEGUN! He has invaluable experience in the criminal justice system, he was a success as an executive vice president, and he’s the best dog available to address our country’s growing energy concerns.”

BFC: Vermin Supreme

“He is an actual FEC-declared candidate who, not unlike Brig. Gen. Jack Ripper, believes that dental hygiene and free ponies are key campaign issues. He barely received fewer votes in the NH primary than Martin O’Malley. This amazing line from his wikipedia page summarizes where he is vis-a-vis the 2016 general election: “He was, however, not invited to return to the Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum, due in part to him glitterbombing Randall Terry at the event in 2011.”

Yeah Right: Mojo Nixon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpb4ZAAP6Z4

“Put another Nixon in the White House. At least this one isn’t a Dick.”

DTZM: Lex Luthor

“I mean, it writes itself.”

Entropy: President James Marshall (Harrison Ford in Air Force One)“He was, admittedly, an embattled president in a shitty, shitty movie, and yet people keep freakin’ saying he’s the kind of president they want: someone who apparently can singlehandedly fight off a terrorist invasion of a plane that is supposed to be hijack-proof (therefore, COMPLETELY incompetent), and then capable of cleaning up his own mess (therefore, the pipe dream of every inbred hick who thinks owning a rifle makes him Rambo). He’s the best of all worlds, plus, the NEEEERRRRRDDDDSS get Han Solo as President.”

Rev. Mayhem: Morgan Freeman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXjtUYOG4po

“Maybe, just maybe, the meteor would finally hit Foxboro.”

The Maestro: GRONK

“We already had W for 8 years – being a human with the brain of an Irish setter can’t deter them from accepting public office, clearly. Plus, I don’t see him as a warmonger – I think he’ll legalize weed, develop federal grants for hangover pills as well as EDM DJs. Other than that, he’ll have his brothers form the rest of his cabinet, and enough smart folks around elsewhere to neutralize the damage.” (Note: What is this “we” you speak of, Maestro?)

SonOfSpam: Ian Darke

“His accent would add a touch of class to State of the Union addresses. In addition, Southerners can continue referring to the President the same way they have for the last eight years.”

Senor: Kodos“Don’t blame me. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others (although technically that was Kang’s promise).”

Zymm: Dorothy Parker

“Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well VOTE PARKER.”

Sep: Andrew W.K.

“Party party… He likes Pizza, Ice Cream, and likes to get wet. Also has a Pizza shaped guitar.”

ROUND 2… Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Sep: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson“Can you smell what the Prez is cooking? THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW!”

Zymm: Hunter S. Thompson

“If there’s one person who encapsulates everything DFO stands for, it’s probably him.”

Senor: Black Mage Evilwizardington (from 8-Bit Theater)

“A bit of a reach, sure, but considering his stance is to destroy everything in existence and he slaughtered millions over the course of the comic (both accidentally and on purpose)… he still might not be the worst option for this election. And he casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down, so the military budget might get cut down a bit.”

SonOfSpam: George Michael

“He can run The Sports Machine AND get us into Club Tropicana.”

The Maestro: Philippe (from Achewood)

“‘God messed up and here I am!‘ Because honestly, who wouldn’t prefer a naive and yet endlessly optimistic and adorable five-year-old otter to the collection of miscreants we currently call politicians? Plus, the store sells some pretty sharp t-shirts.”

Rev. Mayhem: Bill the Cat

“Ack! Thbbppt!”

Entropy: Lord Vetinari (the Patrician from the Discworld series)

“(Can’t believe Zymm didn’t take this one). He is the archetype for the ‘benevolent dictator,’ who truly personifies ‘One Man, One Vote (his).’ He runs a city built on corruption, greed, pestilence, madness, and magic, and does most of his governing without anyone being sure he’s done anything at all. He routinely joins in plots against himself, just to stay sharp, and nothing happens in his city without his knowledge and/or approval. We could use this guy running our country. Also: trained assassin, resulting in lower budgets for both the Secret Service and the CIA.”

DTZM: *crickets*

Yeah Right: Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Let’s try intelligence for a change.”

BFC: Leslie Knope

“Call me crazy, but I think a smart, policy-focused woman who has spent her whole life and career preparing for public office and committed to making the world a better place might be a good idea. She has seen how government works at the local and federal levels and consistently impresses even people who don’t like her at first. Someone who is going to work 24/7 to put people first and try and build bridges to build on the successes of the past eight years is exactly who I want in the Oval Office. Plus, she has experience running against an entitled, rich, dumbass with no expertise in anything whatsoever. Yes, #imwithher”

Rikki: Zaphod Beeblebrox

“His antics are every bit as insanely distracting as Trump’s, but he seems to be a much, much nicer person.”

Make it Snow: That dog mayor (Duke)

(Wait, did you just use the same pick twice? I mean it is a good pick but come on!)

Balls: His left testicle

(No, I’m not posting a picture of that. No, I don’t have a picture of that.)

“It hangs low below the radar until needed for action. Then, it’s dependable as the day is long. That’s what America needs!”

tWBS: George Carlin’s ghost

“Realize how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that.”

Low Commander: Randy Marsh

Horatio: *locker crickets*

And now, the supplemental rounds.

Beerguyrob: Doctor Girlfriend

“No health concerns like Hillary. Used to tiny-handed crackpots. Willing to use any measures to get her way. Loves vodka tonics.”

WhyEaglesWhy: Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzToNo7A-94

“Because with Terry in the Oval Office, you know you can’t bring that weak-ass stuff up in this humpy-bumpy we call America!”

Beerguyrob: Thornton Melon

“Self-made man. Owns a successful clothing chain which appeals to a great mass of voters. His son is friends with a young Iron Man. Diving pioneer. Reminds everyone to ‘Look out for Number One, but don’t step in Number Two!'”

WhyEaglesWhy: Magic 8 Ball

“Who better to keep our enemies at home and abroad guessing than an inanimate object impervious to outside influence? With 20 positions to randomly choose from, will the Magic 8-Ball make America great again? Signs point to yes!”

So there you have it, our crack alcohol-and-other-substances election coverage team has given you a dearth of options to vote for, but in the end, the choices are yours and yours alone (shit, if there was a Round 3 I totally would’ve taken Olmec).

Anyway, make a pick, wait a few posts/a little while, pick again. HAVE AT IT. And go vote on Tuesday.

(Also vote for our options and whoever drafted the winner won’t get paddled at the next clubhouse meeting. Or they’ll get paddled twice, whatever floats their boat.)

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