Please, allow me to extend to you some traditional Canadian US-Thanksgiving hospitality.
Have a slice.
Maybe make a small plate and take it into your den, because I hope you’ve got room for one more game. Your old pal Roger has gifted you the Steelers & Colts. YINZERS & HUMPS, BAY-BEE!
News of note:
- Injuries:
- HODOR is out. He couldn’t clear concussion protocol in time, which is also the euphemism Jim Irsay uses to explain why he can’t make a court-order drug test. So get ready, fantasy owners of the Steelers defence, it’s TOLZIEN TIME!!!
- listed as questionable: Donte Moncrief (hamstring)
- Steelers backup RB Karlos Williams has been suspended 10 games for a second substance-abuse violation this season.
- will-play-but-injured: Sammie Coates (fingers)
- HODOR is out. He couldn’t clear concussion protocol in time, which is also the euphemism Jim Irsay uses to explain why he can’t make a court-order drug test. So get ready, fantasy owners of the Steelers defence, it’s TOLZIEN TIME!!!
- John Madden took a run at having Thursday football every week, and how it makes the games bad. Somehow, some way, Goodell is going to try and find a way to punish both NBC and MCI Coach. (FYI: Here’s a link to a story about the old Madden cruiser.)
Pittsburgh at Indianapolis – 8:30
On paper, this shouldn’t even be close. Luck is sharing pain meds with his owner, and one of his key receivers has a gimpy leg. Jim Irsay has probably been screaming Peyton’s name at Ryan Grigson all day, druggedly alternating between demanding he be signed by 5:00 and trying to force-feed their other quarterbacks Brain & Nerve Tonic to try and replicate what they did to Manning. Scott Tolzien is not a good quarterback, so the full “Blitzburgh” defence should be on display in order to keep him guessing and provoke numerous three-and-outs & more turnovers than a Sara Lee factory.
[FYI: Sara Lee is owned by Bimbo Bakeries USA, the American corporate arm of the Mexican multinational bakery product manufacturing company Grupo Bimbo. Make sure to point that out after racist Uncle Karl finishes his slice of pie.]
AND YET! We all know that this is the kind of game that also gives rise to the “Shitsburgh” moniker. Ben should be able to pass for 500 yards to AB et al, but yet something inside Mike Tomlin always seems to make him either take pity on the opposing team or try experimentation because it should be that easy, with both concepts ultimately leading to a Steelers 2-point loss. It’s the kind of game where he tries to use the wishbone formation with a flea-flicker thrown in. It’s maddening yet predictable. If Sill were still here, I know what he’d say
Anyway, enough talk.
Prediction: Steelers 38, Colts 10.
If they were at home, I’d take 14 points off the Steelers, because of the cuteness factor. But on the road Tomlin’s less likely to try the bullshit.
Hopefully, you’ve sent the relatives home and can enjoy the game on your own terms. Alcohol is mandatory. PANTS ARE OPTIONAL!
That commercial is dumb, but it’s song is great
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4LF7vx9oSk
These commercials should come with a carcinogen warning.
Well, Grandpa Commander has been surprisingly cordial and at least willing to talk about some issues. We’ve actually talked some policy, appointments, the Iran deal and been able to agree on some things. However, when talking about the likely social changes, and what it could mean for minorities, LGBT and women, I did get this:
“No one is anti-woman. How would any of this affect them?”
“Well, let me GRAB another beer after I ABORT this one and tall about the glass ceiling.”
There’s a rush to label people sexist and racist as if it’s some irredeemable character flaw, but I’d bet a good chunk of bigoted people are just unable to process an existence different from their own without a lot of help and would be a lot less bigoted if they did.
I agree with that in a lot of ways.
I’ll add that like most beliefs people have beliefs about other people are subconscious as well. So the people who are bigoted consciously believe sexism and racism are bad (“No one is anti-woman!”) and genuinely feel attacked when suggest they are not.
This does not excuse their beliefs and the consequences of acting upon them, but it means if we want to eliminate such beliefs, we have to take a course that assumes most people are not aware of them and need to develop the ability to become aware.
I’m not sure that’s exactly it. It’s more the assumption that they know exactly what it’s like and are better qualified to make decisions for others than those people themselves. They’re assuming a better ability to process the experiences of others than those people actually living them.
I saw this and hoped you wouldn’t need it :
Hey, no slurs today, so it’s a win so far!
#7 would be easy for me since there’s a pond about 50 feet from the back porch and I do love throwing things.
Nice! I could use Lake Michigan, but my parents wouldn’t be up for it and my neighbors are all awesome now. If the crazy lady still lived downstairs however….
I just convinced my roomie that she must make a Mad Max parody trailer with dogs: Max as a bulldog, my black lab as Furryosa.
I know it’s a rough joke, but I’m sure it’d have staying power on the internets.
I’d watch that
So, on the basis of that throw alone, which team will massively overpay for Tolzien next year only to have him lose the starting job in the preseason?
I’m going with the Jets.
J-E-T-S
My guess? Cleve-land.
Tirico: “This Steeler defense is great down here near the goal line.”
Colts Insta-TD
I think I’m just going to fart myself to sleep tonight.
This is what my life has come to. I’ve made peace with this. Just being alone… my farts and I.
At least there’s some variety in my farts. It’s like a conversation with my digestive tract only with odors instead of words.
And each fart under the covers in bed in like a whisper. A stinky, condescended whisper saying, “you shouldn’t have eaten so much of that.”
PUNTER STRUT
That Frankenstein commercial is about as heartwarming as a prostate exam.
This cocksucking ad is Ebola.
Who are they trying to sell on cocksucking and how can I be the beneficiary?
Umm…might wanna be a bit more specific there ya know.
My Dad was here for dinner and when this goddamn Frankenstein commercial came on for the third time he says “Isn’t it about time for the monster to grab that little girl and drag her off to the swamp?”
Thanksgiving: It’s about family.
And swamps.
Oooh, there is post-game Dez/Norman trashtalking!
I was kinda surprised they didn’t kiss and make up after the game. I thought that was protocol as per The Ginger.
They might have changed that cause ratings
Update: GF’s mom gave up on her pour of absinthe, poured her portion into my glass.
Isn’t that supposed to be served a certain way, like poured over a sugar cube or some shit?
The shit is gross and there are literally thousands of ways to try and make it tolerable….and they all equally fail.
It is the only booze I have drunk that is as terrible at the end of the bottle as on the first sip.
What JSD said. A friend of mine got way into it and had this whole elaborate ceremony that we had to go through before we could try it and we finally finished and I took my first sip and…
It was pretty goddamn awful
That was a penalty ?!
FLAG : HAVING TOO MUCH DAMN FUN
In Herr Goodell’s realm, entertainment and excitement are vorbodden.
That guy just sitting crosslegged behind the end zone is crazy. No way he can move out of the way fast enough if someone comes flying at him.
Wait… did Tirico really just given Cris some shit? “like you’ve never seen it before”
Hey Dok! Is there still a Kaplan’s Deli at the top of Water Tower Place in Chicago? They used to have a turkey sandwich that was like Thanksgiving dinner on a bun. Damn I loved that place.
I haven’t been over to water tower in a while, I’ll check that out next time I’m there.
Just blasted a turkey fart.
We get home from the in-laws (who are unabashedly awesome and can cook, making for a terrific T’giving dinner), get comfy, sit down, and turn on the TV.
Spouse: “What’s a Tolzien?”
/which gets autocorrected to “Tolkien”, of course
Your phone doesn’t know what a Tolzein is either!
And it just gives up on Roethlisberger, of course.
I think it may have a point…
Just like most defenses
PRAISE BE TO SHANK’HOR
This old bald bastard spent a year in space awhile ago for research purposes; here he is with his ex-cheerleader girlfriend. Is NASA taking applications?
http://media.culturemap.com/crop/ed/df/633×475/6-Scott-Kelly-and-Amiko-Kauderer-at-the-Houston-Childrens-Charity-Gala-November-2013_164153.jpg
Scott Tolzien just completed a pass. Between that and Trump, I’m pretty sure we’re well into the apocalypse.
Well we had a good run. Wait no we didn’t!
Denzelle appears to not feel so…. good
Did James Harrison shave his eyebrows in solidarity of Shazier’s illness?
Getting closer to the Jesus Trump rally. Too sober. Need drugs.
Just keep Him in your thoughts. Or, preferably, your pocket.
http://giftideasdad.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Holy-Bible-Flask.jpg
I have an announcement to make: I have busted out the straight absinthe
We’ll pray for your soul.
Too late. I’m a J-O-O
You know what’s not actually impressive at all? A CAR BEING A HATCHBACK.
Not true. Do you have any idea how many three year olds you can stuff back there?
Yes.
Hooker or regular kids?
I imagine Luck would feel more at home if they were in Pennsylvania. Lots of barns raised there.
They discovered his concussion when he put the roof on his neighbor’s barn on upside down.
He thought it was just a huge gutter.
ugh….spending the Backup QB money on meth…
http://www.gannett-cdn.com/-mm-/c39215ee13cf08786702ecdeebb5104b84731d49/c=1-0-799-600&r=x404&c=534×401/local/-/media/Indianapolis/NG/2014/03/17/irsayjames.jpeg
not a good idea….
Back home. My beloved betrothed took e’rybody to the movies and left me alone with football, a few beers and the carcass of the spiral sliced ham to pick off of.
Life is fan-fucking-tastic!
I want all the ham.
Can you think of a better leftover than spiral sliced ham? YOU CAN’T!!!!!!
Spiral sliced RUM ham?
Hmmmmm….
It’s official: Scott Tolzien is butt
HAHAHAHAHA This game is already hilarious!
Has anyone showed this poor kid a football before?
I think he won a radio contest….”The ninth caller gets to be backup QB for the Colts!”
It’s Tolkien Time!!!
We I mean Tolzien Time….
You know what really grinds my gears? NBC is streaming the game. Once you cast it to your TV, the actual game picture does not fill your screen, they’ve shrunk the picture in order to display a fucking banner ad across the top.
Fuck. You. NBC. Fuck. You.
Gin and soda and the rest of the dinner rolls. Life is good.
Bread is fucking delicious.
Tony Dungy bobblehead. Because a James Dungy hanging Christmas ornament is “in bad taste.”
My wife is playing xmas carols. Kill me now
Imma nap for 30 mins over here in the corner with my copy of Christopher Moore’s Fool. Don’t mind me.
Great book!
I think I own all his books, and the Jesus book might be might favorite, though A Dirty Job was the first I read and often go back to.
I might be missing one or two, but I’ve got most of em. Agreed about the Jesus book being amazingly excellent.
I brought my laptop for a tune up. Brother runs a PC store. Calls me up ….
“Hey forgot to mention it, but I’ll have your box ready in the morning. Come and pick it up and it’s $50”
“You know I had to pay for Grandma’s casket right? Everyone fucking knows this….you cannot be serious!?!?”
“Yeah so what’s $50 more?”
Ya gotta love family…
I’ve been in yoga pants all day, they are technically pants, but they barely count. Yet another advantage of hosting!
My parents just went back to their hotel, so now I’m free to drink enough to try and make this game as fantastic as the last two.
Mom: “Don’t forget to make a plate before you leave.”
Me: “No, I’m fine.”
Mom: “You’ll go hungry.”
Me: “No I’m good.”
(10 minutes later)
Drive Thru Speaker: “Thank you for choosing, Hardee’s. Can I please take your order?”
lucky. just left work, and apparently every single fast food joint closes at that exact second.
my main thanksgiving isn’t till tomorrow, but i’m hungry now!
I think it was two years ago. I was suppose to have the whole week off. Instead a customer in Detroit blew up their equipment.
I ate at a soup kitchen for dinner.
My mom is the awesomest. She did all the cleanup, and even wiped down the stove top!
Bimbo Fun Facts:
-Their vanilla cookies are great
-Matt Barkley is the logo
Is it too early to start the “Oh fuck. The Cowboys might win the Super Bowl.” suicide pact?
Never too early.
Don’t worry. Romo will probably lose it for them in a Palpably Unfair Act by tripping a Patriot.
(I know the Patriots will win, but in order to get Ultimate Romobyl you need to sacrifice something.)
Woodstock is rocking the crop top like Zeke.
The grogginess of my food coma is still strong. Oh, and HOT TAEK: Fuck Snoopy. I’ve never liked that damn dog. The “Flying Ace” is the most pointless, boring ass shit in “The Great Pumpkin.” And in the Thanksgiving one he feeds everyone else popcorn and toast while he and Woodstock eat turkey and pie.
Going back to nap now.
Seriously…Peanuts as a whole is a fucking terrible comic. First of all Schultz started phoning it in about 30 before he finally died. Second, even in its heyday, it had zero competition and is “remembered” for being a lot better than it ever was.
That damn dog thinks he’s too cool for school. I was waiting for Woodstock and bird pals to peck him to death. Start out all kissy kissy, then go full piranha wave.
You know what else Bimbo makes don’t you?
http://www.droppedin.com/entryimages/sponch.jpg
I’m pulling for the asteroid.
With all the carnage that 2016 has caused in celeb deaths… how is John Madden still alive?
Diesel fumes are an effective preservative.
No pants. And I don’t want to wear any the rest of the day.