“Fuck the Midwest” Edition – Weekend Lesser Footy Preview

You can take the states of Meeeechigan and Ohio and use them exclusively for nuclear waste storage for all I care. Oh, and I guess to hold the collective ESPN commentator ejaculate.

Anyway, Burnley host Man City to kick your Saturday off. You can watch while pretending to have resolve to get up early and get on that treadmill/exercise bike (7:30, NBCSN). You get a terrible, unspeakable game on NBCSN in the 10:00 window, watch Leicester/Middlesbrough on CNBC instead.

5th position Spurs invade top of the table Chelski at 12:30, and it rightly gets big boy NBC coverage. This is the match of the weekend, and a true test of whether Chelski have the mettle of a potential champion. Tottenham usually do quite poorly here, but this is a different caliber side than most of the past decade-plus.

CNBC start Sunday with a drab double-header of Watford/Stoke (7:00) and Arsenal/Bornemoth (9:15). At least the latter is a grudge match between Horatio and yeah right!

The real action is in the 11:30 window, with NBCSN taking Manure hosting West Ham, with Mourinho trying to pull himself out of a death spiral against an equally desperate side that surprisingly finds itself just clear of the relegation zone. On CNBC, 7th position Everton visit 11th place Soton, who will look to provide a rude welcome to their former manager, Ronald Koeman. Everton are in very poor form at present, so…blech.

Georgia Tech at Georgia (Noon, SECN)

This game is underrated in the intensity of the hatred it produces/involves, but it will be nigh unwatchable this year due to the Bees’ offensive style and the Dawgs’ offensive ineptitude. The latter is largely due to youth, though. GT is abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

Kentucky at Louisville (Noon, ESPN)

They moved this “always used to be Labor Day Weekend” fixture to the end of the season, presumably to make fans more confused as to why this isn’t a basketball game.

Michigan at Ohio State (Noon, ABC)

HantaAIDS FOAR all.

Mississippi State at Ole Miss (3:30, SECN)

Johnny Reb needs this Egg Bowl (coo coo ka-choo!!) to qualify for a shitty bowl bid, thanks to their hilarious loss at Vandy. The Cowbells just aim to fuck shit up, which is always fun in a rivalry game.

Auburn at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Iron Bowl! A game Roll Damn Time could conceivably lose! No wait, Bama’s at home. Try again next year, War Damn Eagle.

Notre Dame at USC (3:30, ABC)

Because laughing at Brian Kelly is really, really fun.

Utah at Colorado (7:30, Fox)

Buffs go to the Pac 12 title game with a win. Otherwise, SC gets it.

South Carolina at Clemson (7:30, ESPN)

The Chickens are pretty meh, but stabilized a little bit late, as the Tiggers have wobbled. Minor upset potential is present.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (7:30, SECN)

Vandy can also get into a shit bowl with a win over a rival, and the Vols have little to play for other than maintaining their .950-ish all-time record over the sad sack Commodores. Again, minor upset potential is present.

Florida at Florida State (8:00, ABC)

I see nothing compelling in this “spotlight” game whatsoever.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can we just fast forward to the part of today where I’m drunk and eating good food?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently Shan’Khor accepts offerings on Saturday, too!

ballsofsteelandfury

ALL HAIL SHAN’KHOR!!!

Horatio Cornblower

This Wells Fargo commercial where the snowmen (snowpersons?) let the horses eat their carrot noses so that the stagecoach can get to town and deliver presents to the humans reminds me of ‘Westworld’, and not in a good way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The snow people are doomed anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is this like some Bizarro world version of Richard Gere?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Agreed. Least convincing moans since…wait, are we talking about the same thing?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wow it’s like looking in a mirror!”

– the guy with the black eye in the Buick commercial twenty seconds after his smug prick of a neighbor finished boasting about his new car.

Horatio Cornblower

I used to watch ‘Ghost Whisperer’ with my wife, and this is why.

Fronkenshteen

The movie “Heartbreakers”. That is all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

IT WASN’T FOR THE COMPELLING STORY LINES?!?!?!

Horatio Cornblower

I still laugh at how bad that show actually was.

Wakezilla

I’m still pissed Ghost Whisperer didnt get a series finale

Horatio Cornblower

I’m rooting for Michigan because I can’t stand Urban Meyer but Jim Harbaugh is not making this easy.

entropy

Can’t wait to see several members of the OSU offensive line in Jets & Browns uniforms soon!

entropy

Lt. Daniels, you’re better than these commercials.

ALXMAC
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Supplies are depleting rapidly.

JustStopDude

So pretty much Ohio State is in this game because of Jim Harbaugh’s terrible playing calling, a shitty backup QB, and his hissy fits.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

I’m thankful we all survived it.

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Spanky Datass

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entropy

I like watching Harbaugh shoot himself in the foot

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
entropy

Saw them in Philly with 311 and Cypress Hill. GREAT fuckin show.

Unsurprised

I just hope he fucking dies

Unsurprised

Sure. Whatever it takes.

Senor Weaselo

Can I buy the bridge and then drop it on Dreamboat?

Fronkenshteen

More influential first album: Ramones (Self-Titled) or Wu-Tang Clan-36 Chambers? Not better. More influential.

Shogun Marcus

Ramones, hands down.

ALXMAC

Ramones; that’s a turrible comp though.

Fronkenshteen

Group of castoff New Yorkers who smoked so much PCP they thought they were a karate movie versus group of castoff New Yorkers who smoked so much PCP they thought they were the Bay City Rollers. No good?

Horatio Cornblower

I have to go Ramones. For exactly what King Hippo said; timing.

scotchnaut

Time for a boozy-snoozy. See Ya Later!

Senor Weaselo

Well my first student cancelled because Thanksgiving weekend, so I have time to sit and, dammit, Padre Weaselo’s watching Bonanza. I have no idea when he became an old man but now he watches Gunsmoke, Bonanza, and Perry Mason.

herodotus450
ALXMAC
Unsurprised

Time to put him in the old folks home.

Fronkenshteen

I’m getting into Columbo.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought that was a euphemism for slipping it to Mrs Fronkenshteen.

Redshirt

This Ohio State Offense, I call it me at a bar because I keep making passes at people, but no one in the world believes its will work.

ALXMAC
Redshirt

Well I made the banner. I’m off to work. I’ll chime to gloat or pout.

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Shogun Marcus

2016: No winners, no one gets what they want, and if you’re lucky you’re dead by the end.

scotchnaut

Consider that Michigan TD a victory for all ill-fitting Docker Pants-wearing scream-maniacs everywhere.

Unsurprised

I don’t scream

scotchnaut

Okay, okay. “Moan”.

/Jeezus!

entropy

I admit I find it a little funny that all the scoring in this game has been committed by the Michigan offense.

scotchnaut

1st and goal-run it up the middle! If that doesn’t work-run it up the middle!

/The New York Giants Way

Shogun Marcus

“What’s a run?”
Capt. BlueBunny

entropy

Paul Hackett approved run run pass punt game plan.

entropy

What Would Tyler Durbin Do?

JustStopDude

Lebron and his crew celebrating in the stadium…

That has to be the largest number of black people allowed on that stadium ever…that were not players on the team.

herodotus450

https://www.osu.edu/osutoday/stuinfo.php
5.4% black university wide. Probably pretty much what the state of ohio is as a whole.

scotchnaut

That’s Racist!

/not you

Shogun Marcus

Growing up with deaf parents and a brother, I will never tire of captioners describing things in words deaf folk have no use for, 20,000 words for laughter, or putting up a music note to convey a tune.

...

Glorious Pick Six.

herodotus450

That’s their shitty starting qb

entropy

No, you do not get to slam the punter down on the ground like it’s the WWE and get away with it.

Shogun Marcus

Poor idea. KILL IT! KILL IT WITH ALL THE FIRE! ARBYS DEMANDS MOAR MEATS!

JustStopDude

Will Smith…in “Oscar Bait”….

entropy

I’m choosing to view this movie as a very strange sequel to “seven pounds.”

Fronkenshteen

Concussion One: The Sequel?

Shogun Marcus

“I don’t remember that one.”
~Your player here

scotchnaut

Is he playing a woman with an accent in a lavish period drama loosely based on real events directed by an “auteur” that has been recently recognized by Cannes?

JustStopDude

Gin and egg nog does not go together at all…

Please return to your regular activities…

entropy

What would EVER make you think they did?! Gin is already liquid christmas.

entropy

Hendricks Gin mixes well with a lot of things (iced tea, if I remember correctly, was a particular delight) but most Gins are too strong to mix with anything else.

herodotus450

A glass of gin while looking at a bottle of vermouth is the proper Churchillian way.

entropy

MY GOD ENOUGH WITH THE 2016 CHEVETTE

Fronkenshteen

Bride of Fronkenshteen went Xmas shopping last night & came home with an early present of an 8-pack of Guinness, a $150 Sonos speaker & subscription to Apple Music. I went from no music in the house to being a radio station in a finger snap. To the women, man. [raises glass]

herodotus450

So it’s true: Women Be Shopping.

JustStopDude

Ally Banking…You gonna get murder raped!

Seriously…that was the commercial they just showed on national TV.

entropy

What, exactly were they offering for their customers there? “Sure, you’re going to rot in the desert, but your IRA will be MASSIVE when we roll it over to your kids!!”

entropy

FUCK YES! These guys are great. Mine is Yours is an awesome album.

laserguru

They’re from my old town of San Pedro, also a couple from Long Beach.
It’s still a fount of musical creativity.

There really is great music out there, it just doesn’t get played that often.

Fronkenshteen

Any Minutemen shows in your stack of ticket stubs?

laserguru

Sadly no but I have seen Haim and the aforementioned Silversun Pickups.
I’m still trying to catch a show with the elusive Young the Giant also.

Fronkenshteen

Watching a four hour documentary about the Pacific Theater of WWII. Holy shit. Just holy shit. Those guys were warriors (both sides) and merciless executioners (both sides). Can anyone recommend any books (non-fiction preferred) on the subject? Any famous diaries (either side)? Thanks.

...

With the Old Breed by E.B. Sledge.

Fronkenshteen

Thanks

JustStopDude

Interesting note from WWII.

Japan did not train or practice Damage Control because they thought it was defeatism.

The US did it extensively…so much so, that the Japanese stopped believing their spies in the US on the number of carriers the US had…because they thought they kept sinking the Yorktown.

...

The U.S. had also cracked all coded communication–even that of their allies–and pretty much knew everything the Japanese were saying and doing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Red Zone opportunities decide EVERY game, you fucking simpleton!

entropy

The first Nissan Rogue I see with a vanity plate of “ONE” is getting t-boned.

entropy

How long has the fat kid from Bad Santa been waiting for that call from his agent saying, “the sequel is a go,” and getting his hair permed every two months?