“Fuck the Midwest” Edition – Weekend Lesser Footy Preview

You can take the states of Meeeechigan and Ohio and use them exclusively for nuclear waste storage for all I care. Oh, and I guess to hold the collective ESPN commentator ejaculate.

Anyway, Burnley host Man City to kick your Saturday off. You can watch while pretending to have resolve to get up early and get on that treadmill/exercise bike (7:30, NBCSN). You get a terrible, unspeakable game on NBCSN in the 10:00 window, watch Leicester/Middlesbrough on CNBC instead.

5th position Spurs invade top of the table Chelski at 12:30, and it rightly gets big boy NBC coverage. This is the match of the weekend, and a true test of whether Chelski have the mettle of a potential champion. Tottenham usually do quite poorly here, but this is a different caliber side than most of the past decade-plus.

CNBC start Sunday with a drab double-header of Watford/Stoke (7:00) and Arsenal/Bornemoth (9:15). At least the latter is a grudge match between Horatio and yeah right!

The real action is in the 11:30 window, with NBCSN taking Manure hosting West Ham, with Mourinho trying to pull himself out of a death spiral against an equally desperate side that surprisingly finds itself just clear of the relegation zone. On CNBC, 7th position Everton visit 11th place Soton, who will look to provide a rude welcome to their former manager, Ronald Koeman. Everton are in very poor form at present, so…blech.

Georgia Tech at Georgia (Noon, SECN)

This game is underrated in the intensity of the hatred it produces/involves, but it will be nigh unwatchable this year due to the Bees’ offensive style and the Dawgs’ offensive ineptitude. The latter is largely due to youth, though. GT is abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

Kentucky at Louisville (Noon, ESPN)

They moved this “always used to be Labor Day Weekend” fixture to the end of the season, presumably to make fans more confused as to why this isn’t a basketball game.

Michigan at Ohio State (Noon, ABC)

HantaAIDS FOAR all.

Mississippi State at Ole Miss (3:30, SECN)

Johnny Reb needs this Egg Bowl (coo coo ka-choo!!) to qualify for a shitty bowl bid, thanks to their hilarious loss at Vandy. The Cowbells just aim to fuck shit up, which is always fun in a rivalry game.

Auburn at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Iron Bowl! A game Roll Damn Time could conceivably lose! No wait, Bama’s at home. Try again next year, War Damn Eagle.

Notre Dame at USC (3:30, ABC)

Because laughing at Brian Kelly is really, really fun.

Utah at Colorado (7:30, Fox)

Buffs go to the Pac 12 title game with a win. Otherwise, SC gets it.

South Carolina at Clemson (7:30, ESPN)

The Chickens are pretty meh, but stabilized a little bit late, as the Tiggers have wobbled. Minor upset potential is present.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (7:30, SECN)

Vandy can also get into a shit bowl with a win over a rival, and the Vols have little to play for other than maintaining their .950-ish all-time record over the sad sack Commodores. Again, minor upset potential is present.

Florida at Florida State (8:00, ABC)

I see nothing compelling in this “spotlight” game whatsoever.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I’m a professional butt brusher and body makeup artist.

http://www.imagescream.com/images/jenniferlovehewittsexygif.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey! Me too!

Don T

Just as the day ends at 12, death becomes official with the Don Francisco meme.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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She seems nice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought it was funny…… but I’m a fucked up individual.

http://media.giphy.com/media/EbFQlKe66Vt96/giphy.gif

Unsurprised

Oregon State won the Civil War and my Facebook feed is finally full of happy people, so I guess that’s a good thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

The “Homer Simpson is a sexual predator” episode of The Simpsons was really fucking hilarious.

...

Sweet sweet can.

Unsurprised
ThursdaySkyGoddess

SHAN’KHOR is alive and well in Clemson.

herodotus450

He demands that all sacrifices have one shoe on

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Pretty much every woman I know hates Jennifer Love Hewitt…. so I’ll bring her up occasionally just to watch some fireworks.

...

Do they explain why?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

This is probably an accurate answer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

The best gifs are from 20 years ago.

Croooow

Oregon State *finally* beat Oregon! About damn time.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Croooow

One of my friends is an Oregon State alum. Biggest reason I was rooting hard for them.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

This has been on YouTube for 9 years, but I only found out about it when Notre Dame lost to Navy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Y7yjxJVlc

Unsurprised

I needed this

JustStopDude

According to the announcers, Brian Kelly is coming back next year!!!

Of course, according to these clowns, ND is literally the only team in college football that has to deal with players graduating or leaving early for the NFL.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

I’m scared if Brian Kelly leaves, they might hire someone competent. Let’s hope not, because shitty Notre Dame is the best.

JustStopDude

I really want to see how much more damage he can do with the program.

For the life of me, I don’t get why any decent head coach wants to go there unless they are obviously desperate for a HC job or they went to school there.

Bloody Lethal

Tickets for the Giants Browns game are going for $6 on stubhub. Only an 8 hour drive for me…

JustStopDude

Really the only downside is having to go to Cleveland…

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On the upside, wherever the fuck you came from will feel like heaven afterward.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ThursdaySkyGoddess

The bright side to this boring Iron Bowl is that my brother’s awful wife is just salty and miserable right now.

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herodotus450

You can tell she isn’t very bright (i.e went to Auburn?) if she really thought Auburn had a good enough chance to win to be mad that they lost.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

She didn’t go to Auburn. Most of the most die hard fans of either school probably haven’t even been within 50 miles of the campus.

I moved to Alabama when I was 11 and two weeks after I’d been there my classmates told me that was enough time to decide if I was Alabama or Auburn, and I didn’t even know what they were talking about because I didn’t follow football at all then. They’re just really fucking crazy down there.

Bloody Lethal

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JustStopDude

This ND team has been hilarious this year. Back to back bullshit plays on defense (the first included kicking an injured Trojan in the head while the trainers were running out to the down player), and then the same dude stomps on the leg of another player long after the play is dead.

Unsurprised

I hope South Bend is bombed into its component atoms.

...

So when did Harbaugh start slowly transforming into Cyril Figgis?

Spanky Datass

This gif might not work …
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Bloody Lethal

What kind of world are we living in where the top ranked team is favored by more than 20 points against another top 25 team?

ROLL TIDE.

Unsurprised

Motherfucking AMERICA!

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I really like how Ohio State winning fucked over both Michigan AND Ohio State.

Bloody Lethal
scotchnaut

Tremors 3 is on AMC.

/Graboids!

JustStopDude

Simpson “The Shinning” Halloween episode is on right now…

Fronkenshteen

I want more beer.

We need more toilet paper.

Everyone goes home in a limo!

[drives to Food Lion]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

She seems… excited.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Because more beer.

Bloody Lethal

You’re doing a good thing today, Moose.

Spanky Datass

I thought Food Lion folded up years ago. They all closed in my corner of fly-over country at least.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Riki? You alright?

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laserguru

Eldest right and granddaughters 1 and 2 are visiting. Granddaughter 2 is 4 next week.
After serving 22 on Thursday we just ordered pizza.
I’ll cook again tomorrow.

And if you’re watching the USC game then you can see that it is raining like a motherfucker.

Shogun Marcus

So your pizza is never arriving due to traffic conditions lest airboats be a thing there.

Spanky Datass

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If we are to begin healing we need to accept pancakes AND waffles.

http://www.mtv.com/shared/promoimages/news/t/tgif_gifs/7a.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Fronkenshteen

“…STARTS WTH C!!!!!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

Snow monkey has seen some things, man.

JustStopDude

Harbaugh’s post game press conference is HILARIOUS!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola

Where has Sill been Recently?

Shogun Marcus

He no longer comments. Might lurk. I believe the podcast thing was a turn off.

ballsofsteelandfury

He’s discovered twitter

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh dear lord, tell me that’s a joke plz.

Spanky Datass
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hahahahahaha, Notre Dame, just go away.

Oh yeah, college boosters can suck a smegma-crusted nut.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hahahahaha, Notre Dame, just go away.”

You sound like someone answering the phone at Notre Dame’s sexual assault crisis reponse center.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Need advice: What kind of booze should I drink? If it helps, I will probably be eating Thanksgiving leftovers later and the weather is rainy and windy enough to knock down a scissor lift.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What is in the liquor cabinet? What is in the fridge? You in the mood for brewed, mixed, distilled?

We need to narrow this down.

http://www.barnorama.com/wp-content/images/2012/03/jennifer_love_hewitt/15-jennifer_love_hewitt.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We have pretty much everything for liquor types. Oranges, could pull a lemon off the tree if desperate. No maraschino cherries but maraschino liquer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

None other than staying out of the housekeeper’s way.

Maybe a poor man’s Manhattan (bourbon with a splash of maraschino liqueur) and a hot bath and a new Discworld book would work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Do you have very good sippin’ booze? Beer? That would be my first choice.

I make a good marg. also a VERY dry martini to start getting you funny AND boyishly handsome.

laserguru

Manhattan is always a solid choice.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kinda cold for margaritas. Though we are tequila-rich at the moment.

Spanky Datass

But they’re so tropical!
Just kidding, I’m makin’ dark and stormys.

Spanky Datass

Also I don’t know any tequila base drinks served at room temperature.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Quality sippin’ tequila.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“WHAT IS THIS, AUSCHWITZ?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Based on how my digestive system has been reacting to Thursday’s feast, I’d have to say yes.

Horatio Cornblower

“Notre Dame felt like they did everything they needed to do” except, you know, making sure their kids went to class and did their own goddamn assignments.

Fuck you Kelly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Missed it to the right” is also how I’d describe the United States’ performance in its last presidential election.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

While I don’t look anywhere near that good, that is the same expression I get in traffic.

http://i.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/joe3.gif

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Are any of the female Commentists even around today? Wouldn’t want this man meat to go to waste.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Thursdayskygoddess.

...

Reloading I now see the “like.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Mashing F5 to see if anyone has liked my posts.

I’m thirsty for affirmation.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, I thought a nap after jerkin’…….

Croooow

A football game that ends 76-61 without OT. When did Syracuse and Pitt join the Big 12?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Joe Namath’s BAC: on a scale of 0.0 to Bukowski

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Tyrion Lannister

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Spanky Datass

I’ll start pretty high up on that scale and go with Dean Martin.
http://65.media.tumblr.com/b1a070d49cb5ce059d882c14c238b3b6/tumblr_nq1k07dmBM1sz9h0xo1_1280.jpg

Spanky Datass
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The myth is that Deano was the drunk of the rat pack; quite the opposite. He was the one to leave early and go home to his wife and kids. Sinatra and the rest would fucking drug, hooker, starlet, drink it to no end. Deano was the best cook too.

Brick Meathook

NAMATH KISSED VERNE LUNDQUIST! YOUR MOVE, SUZY!

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This is best read in the voice of Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.