Sometimes, I really have a hard time getting out of bed, even with a full day of footy lying ahead. It is very easy to be as cynical about footy as it is life in general. Then, you read an article like this and boom, one falls in love all over again. What great tidbits – “1 in 15” are your stereotypical badboy headcases, but the rest are quite normal. In fact, as Bainesy waxes philosophically (but not accustorically, for he is SO VERY ENGLISH), maybe they would like to show the fans just how human they are, but are a little gunshy of the judgmental media spotlight.

Baines is having a subpar season on the pitch, but importantly, he has never complained how Everton refused to let him go when David Moyes very publicly recruited him to join him at Manchester United. A few months later, Leighton got injured, and the window for advancement in the football world closed forever. But Baines loves his city, as he walks unfamiliar back alleys clicking photographs. He grew up loving Everton, and the only regrets he expresses are for the trophies not won, the Champions League runs not made. In that sense, Everton failed him. But he’d probably do the English equivalent of telling you to go fuck yourself if you suggested as much. You know, politely shake his head no.

Anyway, he’s also cool as fuck. He could wear windbreaker, sunglasses, and dad jeans and still fit right in with Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner. Because he’s Leighton Fucking Baines.

Oh yeah, there are totes actual fixtures that get the blood moving this weekend, too. How about the Saturday hangover coffee game (7:30, NBCSN) being City hosting Chelski, oh, with only first fucking place on the line? To be fair, Chelsea only need a point to stay up top (though the Shite could then go 1st with a win on Sunday), but a win on enemy soil would be a massive fucking statement. No doubt, this is the match of the season so far, as I believe these two sides have established themselves as the main title contenders.

Record that if you must, because the rest of Saturday is a dog. If you insist, NBCSN has Spurs/Swans, CNBC has Palace/Soton at 10. 4th position Arsenal slum it with 16th place (which is an improvement for them) West Ham at 12:30 on big NBC. As you know, 4th place is sacrosanct for Arsene Wenger, and he will die to defend it.

Sunday holds some promise for at least mild fun-day, with an MSNBC doubleheader of Shite at 12th position Bournemouth (8:30), with somehow-still-in-7th Everton travelling to Old Trafford trying not to step in too much 6th position Manure (11:00). As aforementioned, Liverpool could find themselves back in first if fixture-of-the-season ends in a draw, so all good hearted sports fans are Cherries supporters early. Thankfully, fatass Wayne Rooney will be suspended, and not able to embarrass his boyhood club with a Manure-record goal. Remarkably, Everton would go to 6th with a win, because the “Special One” has been just that shitty. Despite the Herculean efforts of Juan Mata, the player the dumbass manager didn’t want.

Monday Night Footy (3:00, NBCSN) is a dreadful Hull/Middlesbrough mashup. If you miss work for this, you need help.

Sadly, this is the last true full Lesser Footy Saturday. Drink it in deeply, for you will miss it when it is soon gone…

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma (12:30, Fox)

Goddamn, this is a good rivalry game nickname. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to be for a playoff ducat. But still…BEDLAM!!!

Baylor at West Virginia (3:30, FS1)

First game that qualifies as “meaningless yet still kinda fun.” Cousinfuckers could win 10 in the regular season, sure ’nuff!

Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)

Poor Gators, neither Tim Tebow nor his eyeblack tears shall save ye today. Hope you lubed your rectums…

San Diego State vs. Wyoming (7:45, ESPN)

How is Boise State not involved in this little ditty? RECOUNT!!

Clemson vs. Virginia Tech (8:00, ABC)

I don’t wanna say VPI is hopeless in this fixture…but they are totes hopeless in this fixture.

Wisconsin vs. Penn State (8:00, Fox)

Good news – neither tOSU nor Meeeechigan are involved in the B1G title game! Bad news? How strongly do ya feel about paedos??