SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – DOWNTOWN – DAY BREAK
BOLTMAN: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN BOLTMAN’S DOMAIN. THE FAITHFUL CHARGED ONES MEANDER ABOUT THEIR PITIFUL, MORTAL LIVES AS ANOTHER LONG OFFSEASON BEGINS. BUT BOLTMAN MUST NOT WAIVER! [Shreds an air guitar solo] IT IS UP TO HIM TO ONCE AGAIN LEAD HIS LEGION INTO BATTLE NEXT YEAR! BOLTMAN MUST NEVER STOP HIS TRAINING, AND FIIIIGHHTTT TO BRING GLORY TO THE CITY THAT IS HIS BIRTHRIGHT!
[BOLTMAN falls to the ground and begins doing pushups with loud, seemingly uncontrollable grunts]
BOLTMAN: OHHHHHHHH [grunt] HHHHHHHHH [grunt] YEEEEEEEEE [grunt] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [grunt]
[A woman strolls by while walking her dog and stops to stare at the sight before her]
WOMAN: What in the hell is– OH MY GOD!
[BOLTMAN jumps to his feet and flexes]
BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN IS CERTAINLY THAT! HAVE YOU COME TO PLEDGE YOURSELF AS A SACRIFICE TO THE OLD ONES?!
[The dog starts to yip and tug on his leash in the other direction as the woman screams and quickly runs away, dropping a newspaper behind her]
BOLTMAN: FEAR NOT, YOUNG TRIBUTE! BOLTMAN WILL FIND YOU WHEN HE IS READY FOR YOUR GLORIOUS BLOODLETTING!
[BOLTMAN reaches down and picks up the newspaper]
BOLTMAN: WHAT IS THIS TOME? AHHH, THE DAILY HAPPENINGS! WHAT FORTUNE! LET US SEE WHAT NEWS THIS PARCHMENT HAS FOR BOLTMAN.
BOLTMAN: WHAT MADNESS IS THIS!?!?!
BOLTMAN: TREACHERY!!! OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER!!! THIS BETRAYAL CANNOT STAND!!! AND BOLTMAN KNOWS WHO IS TO BLAME!!!
BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN WILL END ALL LIFE ON THIS MISERABLE WORLD BEFORE THIS PERVERTED ACT CAN TRANSPIRE!!! THERE WILL BE NO MOVE!!!!!
[BOLTMAN lets out a scream, louder than ever before. Passing cars screech to a halt as the drivers begins to bang their heads against their windows, seeking sweet release. People on the street falls to their knees and writhe on the ground in obvious pain. The glass on nearby buildings cracks and then explodes outwards, raining shards down on passersby. An underground gas line bursts and sends flames shooting from the sewer, and a cadre of manhole covers hundreds of feet into the air.]
BOLTMAN: THIS. ENDS. NOW!
[BOLTMAN claps both hands over his head, just as a lightning bolt strikes. After the flash, he has disappeared]
Meanwhile, at Qualcomm Stadium…
[The stadium is… maybe a quarter full of protesting fans, with the rest of the seats filled by drunk and jeering Raiders fans. DEAN SPANOS walks down the middle of the field, flanked by his army of YES MEN. Fans begin hurling empty Green Flash, Stone and AleSmith bottle onto the field, landing around SPANOS, but never hitting him.]
SPANOS: Remove the malcontents from my property.
YES MEN: YES, OF COURSE, SIR!
[A group of YES MEN brandish batons and rush into the stands, beating anyone that stands in their way. A YOUNG BOY, too small to be noticed by the attackers, makes his way onto the field and approaches SPANOS.]
YOUNG BOY: P-p-p-please, Mr. Spanos, do not take away our cha-cha-Chargers. My Papa always makes time to watch the games with me and Little p-p-p-Philip! It’s our favorite time of the year.
SPANOS: I’m not taking anything away! This team is mine to do with as I see! You and your stupid father can still watch the games in LA! Surely you will!
YOUNG BOY: No, sir. I was born here and love my team here. The r-r-Rams have already moved to LA. Why must you too?
SPANOS: Because I want to! That’s where the money is! And you’ll learn to like them anyway! Isn’t that right?!
YES MEN: [In unison] RIGHT AS ALWAYS, SIR!
YOUNG BOY: B-b-but…
SPANOS: [Pushing the YOUNG BOY down] Didn’t you hear them?! Right! As! Always!
[LITTLE PHILIP slowly stands up and musters a timid bark. SPANOS picks him up by the collar and punts him into the stands]
SPANOS: HAHAHAHA! Look at how powerful I’ve become! NYYGHH! NYYGHAHAHA!
[A sudden deafening boom sends a shock wave out from the 50 yard line in all directions. SPANOS falls on his back and struggles to get back up.]
[A group of YES MEN quickly huddle around and lift the flailing SPANOS back to his feet]
SPANOS: What in the hell is that THING?!?!
BOLTMAN: FOR TOO LONG HAS YOUR DESIRE FOR COMPLETE CONTROL GONE UNANSWERED! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU DO, NOR CARE WHOSE VERY HEART AND SOUL YOU TRAMPLE UPON IN YOUR QUEST FOR RICHES! [Pounds chest, does the splits and hops back to feet] YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED HERE, BUT YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE IT, ALWAYS DEMANDING MORE WITHOUT RISKING ANYTHING YOURSELF! BOLTMAN CAN NO LONGER STAND IDLY BY AND ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE! BOLTMAN HAS COME TO END YOUR REIGN AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF ELECTRIC LIGHT FOR HIS LOYAL CHARGED ONES! [Does the Electric Slide and then gives SPANOS the double birds]
SPANOS: Hey! My Daddy gave me this team, fair and square! I can do whatever I want with it! And since this city won’t just give me a stadium that I don’t actually have to spend any money on, I’m going to move in with someone that will pay for everything for me! That’s smart business, right Dad!?
AG SPANOS: That’s right, Son! Hold the city for ransom! Take the public for what they’ve got! They certainly never helped me out! I made every dime of my fortune on my ow–
[The sudden sound of stampeding feet fills the air and a dust cloud traveling a high speeds picks up in the western endzone. It collides with AG SPANOS and sends him flying out of the stadium, along with a few YES MEN. It comes to a halt a few yards later.]
LORENZO NEAL: MAKE MOTHER FUCKING WAY!
BOLTMAN: LORENZO! THE BARDS STILL TELL TALES OF YOUR EPIC BLOCKING PROWESS!
SPANOS: You traitor! How dare you hurt Daddy! I’ll take back your salary for that!!
LORENZO NEAL: Pfft, what the fuck ever, man. My work is done here. [Runs back into locker room, bowling over more YES MEN on the way]
BOLTMAN: [Drawing his Bolt Scimitars] AT LONG LAST, DEAN! BOLTMAN SHALL HAVE SWEET VENGEANCE FOR ALL OF YOUR UNSPEAKABLE TRANSGRESSIONS!
SPANOS: At long last?! I don’t even know you!
[BOLTMAN charges at SPANOS, who cowers as his army of YES MEN jump between them. The battle is pretty epic, and really too much for words or bad Photoshops. Blood and entrails fly as BOLTMAN hacks the seemingly endless horde to pieces, but begins to waiver as the battle wages on. Weakened by the 5-11 record, and continually haunted by the loss in Cleveland, BOLTMAN’S stamina wears down, and is finally tackled and pinned by a group of YES MEN, dropping his blades to the ground.]
[SPANOS moves in and picks up the fallen weapons, holding them at BOLTMAN’S throat]
SPANOS: NYYGHH! Any last words, Monster?
BOLTMAN: MONSTER? MONSTER?! YOU, DEAN, ARE THE MONSTER! YOU BLAME THE FANS FOR NOT SUPPORTING THE TEAM AFTER THREATENING TO MOVE FOR THE PAST 16 YEARS! YOU ACCUSE THEM OF NOT VOTING TO APPROVE A STADIUM PLAN THAT YOU WOULD FUND ENTIRELY THROUGH NAMING RIGHTS AND SEASON TICKET SALES, WITHOUT RISKING ANY GOLD YOURSELF! NOT ONCE HAVE YOU GIVEN THE CHARGED ONES A FAIR DEAL, AND YOU WOULD RATHER MOVE TO A CITY WHERE YOU’VE HAD MORE THAN 20 YEARS WITHOUT COMPETITION TO DEVELOP A FOLLOWING, AND HAVE FAILED AT EVERY TURN?! YOU WILL FOREVER BE SECOND, IN A CITY THAT CARES NOTHING FOR THE FIRST! YOUR FAILURE IS YOUR OWN DOING, DEAN!
SPANOS: That… cannot… no…. NO! I WILL SUCCEED! Everything will be mine! And you… You! YOU MUST DIE!
BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN CAN NEVER DIE! ONLY THE MORTAL VESSEL HE POSSESS! VENGEANCE WILL COME UPON YOU SOMEDAY SOON, DEAN! AND YOU WILL HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR! [Starts to head bang to a song within his own mind]
[SPANOS brings both blades down across BOLTMAN’S neck. Powder blue liquid sprays in all directions, as white, flailing tentacles protrude from the wound. After a few moments, they fall limp, and a harsh rain begins to fall over all of San Diego.]
[The remaining YES MEN cautiously pile off of BOLTMAN’S remains and take their place before SPANOS.]
YES MEN: GREAT WORK AS ALWAYS, SIR!
SPANOS: Yes! I really showed him! And now to…
[As Spanos walks away, planning his victory celebration, BOLTMAN’S remains begin to sink into the tattered battlefield, until soon, nothing is left. Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes the center of the 50 yard line, and chains into the stands. The protesting fans struck by the lightning begin to shake violently and fall to the ground, smoldering.]
FAN #1: [Slowly rising to his feet] Whoa… I think… I think I’m okay.
FAN #2: Yeah… Me too. Actually… I feel… pretty good. Rather, CHAAARRRRGGGGEEEEDDDDD UPPPPP!!! [Pelvic thrusts]
FAN #1: OH! OOOOOOHHHHH YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH! [Stomp, stomp, clap]
FAN #3: Hey! I like the sound of that! [Stomp, stomp, clap]
[The entire stadium soon erupts in a chorus of “STOMP, STOMP, CLAP” as the PA system springs to life, blaring SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS]
[SPANOS whirls around, and to his dismay, confronts and entire stadium filled with BOLTMEN. As the horde continues to STOMP, STOMP, CLAP in unison, they raise their hands to the heavens and jagged forks of lightning shoot in all directions. With each repetition a darkness begins to grow and spread beneath the stadium and the field.]
SPANOS: What sorcery is this?!
[SPANOS flees for the exit, pushing YES MEN over, knocking them out of his way and sealing their fate. The STOMP, STOMP, CLAPS quicken with each succession and the darkness grows. As SPANOS makes it to the parking lot, he turns around just in time to look back as the darkness swallows the stadium entirely. With one final giant lightning bolt coming down from the sky, it all disappears, leaving nothing but a smoking crater behind.]
SPANOS: You bastards! I’ll sue you all for this!
[Furious, but relived to be alive, SPANOS finds his SUV in the lot and gets inside. As he starts the engine, he glances in the rear-view mirror.]
[He whirls around to look in the backseat, but nothing is there. He slowly turns back and checks the mirror again, but the visage is gone as well. Looking around once more, SPANOS puts the vehicle into gear and as he starts to pull away the wind picks up slightly. SPANOS swears he can just make out the faint jingle of SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS as little embers hit his windshield and then extinguish in the rain. Shaking it off, he quickly turns up the radio to drown it out.]
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