ELECTRIC EXODUS – The Final Showdown

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA – DOWNTOWN – DAY BREAK

BOLTMAN Bay

BOLTMAN: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN BOLTMAN’S DOMAIN. THE FAITHFUL CHARGED ONES MEANDER ABOUT THEIR PITIFUL, MORTAL LIVES AS ANOTHER LONG OFFSEASON BEGINS. BUT BOLTMAN MUST NOT WAIVER! [Shreds an air guitar solo] IT IS UP TO HIM TO ONCE AGAIN LEAD HIS LEGION INTO BATTLE NEXT YEAR! BOLTMAN MUST NEVER STOP HIS TRAINING, AND FIIIIGHHTTT TO BRING GLORY TO THE CITY THAT IS HIS BIRTHRIGHT!

[BOLTMAN falls to the ground and begins doing pushups with loud, seemingly uncontrollable grunts]

BOLTMAN: OHHHHHHHH [grunt] HHHHHHHHH [grunt] YEEEEEEEEE [grunt] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [grunt]

[A woman strolls by while walking her dog and stops to stare at the sight before her]

WOMAN: What in the hell is– OH MY GOD!

[BOLTMAN jumps to his feet and flexes]

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN IS CERTAINLY THAT! HAVE YOU COME TO PLEDGE YOURSELF AS A SACRIFICE TO THE OLD ONES?!

[The dog starts to yip and tug on his leash in the other direction as the woman screams and quickly runs away, dropping a newspaper behind her]

BOLTMAN: FEAR NOT, YOUNG TRIBUTE! BOLTMAN WILL FIND YOU WHEN HE IS READY FOR YOUR GLORIOUS BLOODLETTING!

[BOLTMAN reaches down and picks up the newspaper]

BOLTMAN Newspaper

BOLTMAN: WHAT IS THIS TOME? AHHH, THE DAILY HAPPENINGS! WHAT FORTUNE! LET US SEE WHAT NEWS THIS PARCHMENT HAS FOR BOLTMAN.

Fuck you San Diego

BOLTMAN: WHAT?!?!?!

clouds 1

BOLTMAN: WHAT MADNESS IS THIS!?!?!

Clouds 2

BOLTMAN: TREACHERY!!! OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER!!! THIS BETRAYAL CANNOT STAND!!! AND BOLTMAN KNOWS WHO IS TO BLAME!!!

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BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN WILL END ALL LIFE ON THIS MISERABLE WORLD BEFORE THIS PERVERTED ACT CAN TRANSPIRE!!! THERE WILL BE NO MOVE!!!!!

[BOLTMAN lets out a scream, louder than ever before. Passing cars screech to a halt as the drivers begins to bang their heads against their windows, seeking sweet release. People on the street falls to their knees and writhe on the ground in obvious pain. The glass on nearby buildings cracks and then explodes outwards, raining shards down on passersby. An underground gas line bursts and sends flames shooting from the sewer, and a cadre of manhole covers hundreds of feet into the air.]

BOLTMAN: THIS. ENDS. NOW!

[BOLTMAN claps both hands over his head, just as a lightning bolt strikes. After the flash, he has disappeared]


Meanwhile, at Qualcomm Stadium…

qualcomm1

[The stadium is… maybe a quarter full of protesting fans, with the rest of the seats filled by drunk and jeering Raiders fans. DEAN SPANOS walks down the middle of the field, flanked by his army of YES MEN. Fans begin hurling empty Green Flash, Stone and AleSmith bottle onto the field, landing around SPANOS, but never hitting him.]

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SPANOS: Remove the malcontents from my property.

YES MEN: YES, OF COURSE, SIR!

[A group of YES MEN brandish batons and rush into the stands, beating anyone that stands in their way. A YOUNG BOY, too small to be noticed by the attackers, makes his way onto the field and approaches SPANOS.]

YOUNG BOY: P-p-p-please, Mr. Spanos, do not take away our cha-cha-Chargers. My Papa always makes time to watch the games with me and Little p-p-p-Philip! It’s our favorite time of the year.

Boy and Puppy

SPANOS: I’m not taking anything away! This team is mine to do with as I see! You and your stupid father can still watch the games in LA! Surely you will!

YOUNG BOY: No, sir. I was born here and love my team here. The r-r-Rams have already moved to LA. Why must you too?

SPANOS: Because I want to! That’s where the money is! And you’ll learn to like them anyway! Isn’t that right?!

YES MEN: [In unison] RIGHT AS ALWAYS, SIR!

YOUNG BOY: B-b-but…

SPANOS: [Pushing the YOUNG BOY down] Didn’t you hear them?! Right! As! Always!

[LITTLE PHILIP slowly stands up and musters a timid bark. SPANOS picks him up by the collar and punts him into the stands]

SPANOS: HAHAHAHA! Look at how powerful I’ve become! NYYGHH! NYYGHAHAHA!

[A sudden deafening boom sends a shock wave out from the 50 yard line in all directions. SPANOS falls on his back and struggles to get back up.]

boltman5

BOLTMAN: DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!

[A group of YES MEN quickly huddle around and lift the flailing SPANOS back to his feet]

SPANOS: What in the hell is that THING?!?!

BOLTMAN: FOR TOO LONG HAS YOUR DESIRE FOR COMPLETE CONTROL GONE UNANSWERED! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU DO, NOR CARE WHOSE VERY HEART AND SOUL YOU TRAMPLE UPON IN YOUR QUEST FOR RICHES! [Pounds chest, does the splits and hops back to feet] YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED HERE, BUT YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE IT, ALWAYS DEMANDING MORE WITHOUT RISKING ANYTHING YOURSELF! BOLTMAN CAN NO LONGER STAND IDLY BY AND ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE! BOLTMAN HAS COME TO END YOUR REIGN AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF ELECTRIC LIGHT FOR HIS LOYAL CHARGED ONES! [Does the Electric Slide and then gives SPANOS the double birds]

SPANOS: Hey! My Daddy gave me this team, fair and square! I can do whatever I want with it! And since this city won’t just give me a stadium that I don’t actually have to spend any money on, I’m going to move in with someone that will pay for everything for me! That’s smart business, right Dad!?

AG Spanos

AG SPANOS: That’s right, Son! Hold the city for ransom! Take the public for what they’ve got! They certainly never helped me out! I made every dime of my fortune on my ow–

[The sudden sound of stampeding feet fills the air and a dust cloud traveling a high speeds picks up in the western endzone. It collides with AG SPANOS and sends him flying out of the stadium, along with a few YES MEN. It comes to a halt a few yards later.]

Lorenzo-fucking-Neal

LORENZO NEAL: MAKE MOTHER FUCKING WAY!

BOLTMAN: LORENZO! THE BARDS STILL TELL TALES OF YOUR EPIC BLOCKING PROWESS!

SPANOS: You traitor! How dare you hurt Daddy! I’ll take back your salary for that!!

LORENZO NEAL: Pfft, what the fuck ever, man. My work is done here. [Runs back into locker room, bowling over more YES MEN on the way]

BOLTMAN6

BOLTMAN: [Drawing his Bolt Scimitars] AT LONG LAST, DEAN! BOLTMAN SHALL HAVE SWEET VENGEANCE FOR ALL OF YOUR UNSPEAKABLE TRANSGRESSIONS!

SPANOS: At long last?! I don’t even know you!

[BOLTMAN charges at SPANOS, who cowers as his army of YES MEN jump between them. The battle is pretty epic, and really too much for words or bad Photoshops. Blood and entrails fly as BOLTMAN hacks the seemingly endless horde to pieces, but begins to waiver as the battle wages on. Weakened by the 5-11 record, and continually haunted by the loss in Cleveland, BOLTMAN’S stamina wears down, and is finally tackled and pinned by a group of YES MEN, dropping his blades to the ground.]

BOLTMAN Scimitars

[SPANOS moves in and picks up the fallen weapons, holding them at BOLTMAN’S throat]

SPANOS: NYYGHH! Any last words, Monster?

BOLTMAN: MONSTER? MONSTER?! YOU, DEAN, ARE THE MONSTER! YOU BLAME THE FANS FOR NOT SUPPORTING THE TEAM AFTER THREATENING TO MOVE FOR THE PAST 16 YEARS! YOU ACCUSE THEM OF NOT VOTING TO APPROVE A STADIUM PLAN THAT YOU WOULD FUND ENTIRELY THROUGH NAMING RIGHTS AND SEASON TICKET SALES, WITHOUT RISKING ANY GOLD YOURSELF! NOT ONCE HAVE YOU GIVEN THE CHARGED ONES A FAIR DEAL, AND YOU WOULD RATHER MOVE TO A CITY WHERE YOU’VE HAD MORE THAN 20 YEARS WITHOUT COMPETITION TO DEVELOP A FOLLOWING, AND HAVE FAILED AT EVERY TURN?! YOU WILL FOREVER BE SECOND, IN A CITY THAT CARES NOTHING FOR THE FIRST! YOUR FAILURE IS YOUR OWN DOING, DEAN!

SPANOS: That… cannot… no…. NO! I WILL SUCCEED! Everything will be mine! And you… You! YOU MUST DIE!

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN CAN NEVER DIE! ONLY THE MORTAL VESSEL HE POSSESS! VENGEANCE WILL COME UPON YOU SOMEDAY SOON, DEAN! AND YOU WILL HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR! [Starts to head bang to a song within his own mind]

[SPANOS brings both blades down across BOLTMAN’S neck. Powder blue liquid sprays in all directions, as white, flailing tentacles protrude from the wound. After a few moments, they fall limp, and a harsh rain begins to fall over all of San Diego.]

SPANOS: NYYGHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[The remaining YES MEN cautiously pile off of BOLTMAN’S remains and take their place before SPANOS.]

YES MEN: GREAT WORK AS ALWAYS, SIR!

SPANOS: Yes! I really showed him! And now to…

[As Spanos walks away, planning his victory celebration, BOLTMAN’S remains begin to sink into the tattered battlefield, until soon, nothing is left. Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes the center of the 50 yard line, and chains into the stands. The protesting fans struck by the lightning begin to shake violently and fall to the ground, smoldering.]

FAN #1: [Slowly rising to his feet] Whoa… I think… I think I’m okay.

FAN #2: Yeah… Me too. Actually… I feel… pretty good. Rather, CHAAARRRRGGGGEEEEDDDDD UPPPPP!!! [Pelvic thrusts]

FAN #1: OH! OOOOOOHHHHH YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH! [Stomp, stomp, clap]

FAN #3: Hey! I like the sound of that! [Stomp, stomp, clap]

[The entire stadium soon erupts in a chorus of “STOMP, STOMP, CLAP” as the PA system springs to life, blaring SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS]

[SPANOS whirls around, and to his dismay, confronts and entire stadium filled with BOLTMEN. As the horde continues to STOMP, STOMP, CLAP in unison, they raise their hands to the heavens and jagged forks of lightning shoot in all directions. With each repetition a darkness begins to grow and spread beneath the stadium and the field.]

SPANOS: What sorcery is this?!

[SPANOS flees for the exit, pushing YES MEN over, knocking them out of his way and sealing their fate. The STOMP, STOMP, CLAPS quicken with each succession and the darkness grows. As SPANOS makes it to the parking lot, he turns around just in time to look back as the darkness swallows the stadium entirely. With one final giant lightning bolt coming down from the sky, it all disappears, leaving nothing but a smoking crater behind.]

SPANOS: You bastards! I’ll sue you all for this!

[Furious, but relived to be alive, SPANOS finds his SUV in the lot and gets inside. As he starts the engine, he glances in the rear-view mirror.]

Rearview Mirror

SPANOS: GAH!

[He whirls around to look in the backseat, but nothing is there. He slowly turns back and checks the mirror again, but the visage is gone as well. Looking around once more, SPANOS puts the vehicle into gear and as he starts to pull away the wind picks up slightly. SPANOS swears he can just make out the faint jingle of SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS as little embers hit his windshield and then extinguish in the rain. Shaking it off, he quickly turns up the radio to drown it out.]

[Banner image via]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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[…] YOU THINK YOU CAN STOMP STOMP CLAP AND SPIT IN MY EYE? SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEHEAD ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIE? OH, TRAITOR, CAN’T DO THIS TO ME, […]

sunrisesunrise
Member

I had already written the Chargers off. When I heard today’s announcement, my reaction was a laugh followed by the phrase, “No shit.” The fact that the Spanos family paid someone (Fabiani) to lie to and defecate on the entire city of San Diego was unbelievable. The last year or so with the stadium issues has been a complete farce. A lot of people bought in to the idea of a new stadium paid for by out of towners that stay in hotels. (Conveniently forgetting how many of them take staycations.) As a county, not city, resident, I did not get to vote on the ballot measures. I’m honestly surprised they got as many yes votes as they did. In summation, good riddance to bad rubbish.

LeighAnne
Member
LeighAnne

How the heck did Mark Davis and his stupid haircut somehow become the best NFL owner in California?

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I like this the best.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

That is some quality photoshopping good sir.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Thanks

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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blaxabbath
Member

What the LA Chargers need is a hot young star QB to make everyone forget about their SD days.

What’s that name?

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blaxabbath
Member

I’m rolling my $12 into buying the domains for every NFL team for LA:

ex: losangelesbengals.com, labengals.com,

yeah right
Member

A little inside information on the StubHub Center: while it is close to the 91, 110 and 405 freeways it can only be accessed off of surface streets, Victoria and Avalon. I’ve been to a Galaxy game and a couple of X games there and it’s a fucking disaster getting in and out of. Think 4 lane surface street.
The parking is minimal and you share the parking with Cal State Dominguez Hills.

There is NO place to tailgate.

I will say the sight lines are spectacular and it’s intimate. Concessions are solid but will have to be increased for an NFL game.

Blimp coverage will be easy since the home of the Goodyear blimp is about 1/4 mile away.

Jesus what a clusterfuck.

Fuck you Spanos you petulant fucking infant.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I know nothing about the geography of LA, (except I once drove by the Coliseum and thought it was the set of post-apocalyptic thriller that would star Wesley Snipes and would be terrible.

That said the consensus of the talking heads seems to be that the next two years are going to suck even more than usual for Chargers fans because the temporary facility is very poorly suited for professional football.

Although arguably the Chargers don’t play professional football, so maybe there’s some logic to that.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

The Coliseum is the setting of post-apocalyptic nightmares like Escape From L.A. and 24.

Beerguyrob
Member

“the 91, 110 and 405 freeways”

Are those Interstates?

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

The 405 is, and the 110 is except for the part that isn’t.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Moving to the StubHub Center is a dumb idea. They should move to the far superior Home Depot Center instead.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“AIN’T NOTHIN’ WRONG WITH THE STUBHUB CENTER!”

– Jason Pierre-Paul

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

From now on, I’m referring to JPP as Stubhub.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Someone here coined the nickname “Zoidberg” for him, which I think is terrific.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

That actually bums me out a bit; I would love to go to the game when the Raiders come to town but it will undoubtedly be a) prohibitively expensive and b) far too much of a hassle to bother.

blaxabbath
Member

Maybe you could just go to a local bar and stab someone?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I appreciate the sentiment, but it wouldn’t be the same.

blaxabbath
Member

It’s just for a couple years. These NFL teams could live off TV revenues alone (see: JAX). Fans at the games is just icing on the section of cake that the owners throw away to make sure none of the interns get a slice.

http://theoriginalwinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/la-football-stadium-rendering.png

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

“These NFL teams could live off TV revenues alone”

If that was the case, why do they give a fuck about stadiums and move to a different city? The answer is because they are greedy assholes. They will NEVER throw away a piece of cake.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Seeing the new logo, all I can think about is the movie “Se7en”.

http://hips.htvapps.com/htv-prod-media.s3.amazonaws.com/images/la-chargers-1484238763.jpg

“…he asked me if I was a football fan…a-a-and I could s-see he had a lighting bolt in his hand…”

http://starsmedia.ign.com/stars/image/article/926/926562/lust-guy-se7en-20081210114416874-000.jpg

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

That is the one kill that is so fucking stupid and makes no sense and it diminishes that movie.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Compared to the amount of time I’ve wasted making girlie gifs since joining this site to prove my value,I would be more than happy to photoshop the fuck out of The Matrix burly man fight to star Boltman.

Curse of Marino
Member
Curse of Marino
Enrico Pallazzo
Member

The Boltmen Army will kill us all.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I for one welcome our Electric Overlords

Cuntler
Member

EPILOGUE

After the smoke had cleared and he came to the realization that his beloved Chargers were no more, BOLTMAN enrolled in the University of San Diego Law School to pursue his second passion in life: Corporate appellate advocacy work . . .

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BOLTMAN: . . . . and that is why I believe this panel should reverse the lower court’s ruling that the California statutory rule against perpetuitiy does not apply to the appellant’s reservation of an easement through the property. [flexes]

JUSTICE NO. 1: Mr. Boltman, you still have 2 minutes left. Would you like to reserve your time for rebuttal?

BOLTMAN: OHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [STOMP STOMP CLAP]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

BOLTMAN: Redirect, your honor?

JUDGE: I’ll allow it.

BOLTMAN: [blocks field goal attempt]

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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nomonkeyfun
Member

It’s a little known fact that Boltman is actually charged by Tomlinson riding a stationary bike.
http://www.ultimatemovierankings.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/robinson-323333.jpg
(Artists rendition)

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

The Chargers will use the StubHub Center as a temporary home. Max capacity: 30,000.

It’ll be funny if they can’t fill all of those seats.

yeah right
Member

“Ladies and gentlemen please welcome YOUR Carson Arsonists!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

http://nextimpulsesports.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/damon_killian.png

RICHARD DAWSON “Who loves you, and who do you love?”

CROWD: THE ARSE!

Old School Zero
Member

If?

When.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I actually imagine the novelty of playing in a small stadium might intrigue enough people to fill the place for the first few games at least.

Of course, if the team goes 5-11, no one will give a fuck.

blaxabbath
Member

Here is their 2017 home slate. Depending on how the schedule shakes out, I’d give them a home sellout streak of four games.

HOME: Bills, Broncos, Browns, Chiefs, Dolphins, Eagles, Raiders and [*Redacteds]

Don T
Member

Fucking beautiful. I am very sorry.
/pours out a Diet Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper to Low, OSZ, Sunrise^2, bMd1…

Allegedly, this is the new logo (via @EitanBenezra):
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Apparently the A has Peyronie’s disease.

blackroseMD1
Member
blackroseMD1

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blackroseMD1
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blackroseMD1

As much as I hate to like anything Dodger related, the follow up to the tweet above was pretty funny.

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I hope the next time a stadium is razed because the shithead owners moved, that in its place someone puts up a monument to the hubris and idiocy of public financing of professional sports venues.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

They already did that, it’s called the Astrodome. Or maybe it’s the Silverdome.

blaxabbath
Member

ASU is going full-bore to not tear down Sun Devil Stadium. After hosting an NFL franchise and Super Bowls, it took 6-7 and 5-7 seasons to get renovations rolling.

http://content.12news.com/photo/2016/02/10/sundevilstadium_1455136520477_220936_ver1.0.jpg

blackroseMD1
Member
blackroseMD1

That LoNeal cameo made this shitty day a little better. Thanks for that.

I think Deadspin’s headline said it best: “No one wants you, Dean Spanos”.

blaxabbath
Member

May the Chargers never win another game.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Even better I hope the Chargers put up 5 consecutive 12-4 seasons, make it deep into the play-offs each year, (no Super Bowl of course), only to find out that very few people in LA give a shit about football, those that do follow the Raiders, Spanos can’t afford the $55 million a year he owes the NFL for the relocation and Goodell has his knees broken.

It’s pretty far-fetched, but a boy can dream.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Sincere condolences on the loss of your team, boys. You and Boltman deserved far better. On the bright side, you can have a recurring feature of badass Chargers from the past running over various members of the Spanos family, and we’d read it with pleasure each week. I nominate Natrone Means for the next installment: http://i.imgur.com/Zkra9ci.gifv

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