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Your “Football Is the Madness’ Sorbet” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL News:

  • I get that itches need to be scratched, but what benefit does Marshawn Lynch to the Raiders hold?
    • maybe it’s to work with the sweet, sweet hands of EJ Manuel?

Tebow schadenfreude news: He’s been assigned to the Mets low-A affiliate in Columbia, SC.

In legal news:

  • Aaron Hernandez was accused by a witness of shooting the two men because Hernandez believed the men had slighted him inside the club.
  • John Elway has come out in support of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch.
    • probably due to the fact that Gorsuch lives on a farm & raises horses

  • They found Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jerseys! In Mexico!
Now it all makes sense!
  • Deadspin translates that the person of interest is Mauricio Ortega, formerly an executive for La Prensa, a Mexican tabloid. And there is footage of him in the locker room.
He’s apparently a Minecraft character.

Finally, in conspiracy theories, Spike Lee wonders why Colin Kaepernick hasn’t been signed yet, especially by the Jets.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BR1ZUwADDv8/

If anyone should know about how a resume can hold someone back, it’s Spike Lee.

I just want to take a moment to thank Hippo for running the Madness Open Threads and giving me nights off last week & this coming week. It is very much appreciated.

Also, looking at what’s left to be played, I might as well brag while I can:

NOT GONNA LAST!

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Sabres at Red Wings – 7:30PM | NBCSN
  • World Baseball Classic Semi-Final:
    • Netherlands vs Puerto Rico – 9:00PM | MLB Network / Sportsnet
  •  NBA:
    • Warriors at Thunder – 8:00PM | TNT / Sportsnet1
    • Knicks at Clippers – 10:30PM | TNT / Sportsnet1
  • NCAA:
    • NIT:
      • Central Florida at Illinois State – 7:00PM | ESPN
      • Akron at Texas (Arlington) – 8:00PM | ESPNU
      • Boise State at Illinois – 9:00PM | ESPN
      • Cal State (Bakersfield) at Colorado State – 11:15PM | ESPN2
    • Women:
      • Second round – 6:30PM | ESPN2
      • Second round – 9:00PM | ESPN2

It’s less than two weeks to Wrestlemania, and the main event is a mid-card match from 13 years ago.

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Unsurprised

The one good thing about Dr. Strange was that climax wasn’t solved by just punching or blasting the shit out of the bad guy. But since that’s how they all end, fuck superhero movies.

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Don T

I’m on 3 hrs. of sleep. I REGRET NOTHING. 7-0 TO THE FINAL PUUUUUIÑEEEEETAAAAAAAAA
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Beerguyrob

Apparently, Kristen Bell is playing the Randi Oakes role in the new “CHiPs” movie.

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Beerguyrob

Point of comparison:

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Wakezilla

I want to contribute to the Superman movie debate. There can be a great Superman flick, he just hasn’t had the writing.

The problem with Superman films is that he’s given a short origins story for 5-10 minutes and then he’s peak Superman for the rest of the film/series. He cannot grow.

I think the first Superman film (I’m rebooting here) should focus more on Clark and how he handles these fucking incredible powers growing up, and then you end the film with either two human bad guys teaming up (like Toyman/Lex, where Supes can battle it out with big machines for awesome fight scenes) or have someone like Lobo be a bad guy and let Superman scrap it out in an awesome fight scene. Either way, Superman is still figuring shit out and isn’t close to being at his peak and there should be an awesome fight scene.

Honestly, Max Landis’ recent run of Superman: American Alien is what would be a fantastic Superman origins film. It hits all the talking points I mentioned above, and, most important for Hollywood, it does a wonderful job connecting the Justice League and their villains together (well, we know this, but, the characters do not).

From here, you can do your Batman and Justice League movie, which would set up his second film, where he has grown as a character as well as well as become more comfortable as a powerhouse. Which could easily lead into Superman vs the Elite. Superman doesn’t need to be at his peak just yet, and he can admit as such. The group poses a threat for him due to the numbers and the magic and cerebral threat they pose against him. He can’t just use brute force! This comic (and animated film) is really good and would be a great second film, which answers why we still need Supes in the 21st century.

The the third movie could be the introduction of Zod and the Kryptonians. By then, Superman would be at the height of his powers, but due to his opponent, there’s still stakes.

There. A Superman trilogy of films that could legitimately be really good and link Supes to a larger universe without forcing stuff in, as well as him having fun and embracing his destiny.

Finally, Pa Kent’s death aside, Man of Steel was awesome.

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Senor Weaselo

Would the League movie be against Darkseid in your case?

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Wakezilla

Probably. Though, if I could, I’d put him on third and start with Mongol kidnapping a member of the JL and the JL goes to War World to kick some ass, or, I’d start with something like the Injustice League. I think the 2nd Justice League should be some form of Tower of Babel/ Justice League: Doom.

Essentially, you wouldn’t have aliens coming down to invade until a 3rd Justice League film.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Apropos of nothing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT4d1LQy4es

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, I’m top 5!

:turns to girlfriend: You were wrong!

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Trevor Semen

As those of you who are in the Discord chat (discord.gg/somefuckingshit/zaz5m it’s in Sunrise’s Baseball post) know, I am high as fuck right now. Maybe I’ll sleep maybe not idk.

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Unsurprised

In case anyone needs to explain why the Trump budget sucks easily.

This is the libertarian budget that the Republicans had been enacting in bits and dribbles for decades. It’s Paul Ryan’s baby going buck wild now that he’s Speaker and he got Trump to hire his acolytes as his economic and budget staff. Now with control of all three branches, it’s time to turn the heat up in the pot this frog has been sitting in from low simmer to NUCLEAR BOIL.

Step 1: You slash everything except the means to ensure that those with the most capital continue to maintain and expand their wealth, even if all that wealth comes from unearned rents and interest. Make things? That’s so 20th century. Besides, producing things means spending money on capital like materials and labor. Fuck. That. Shit.

Step 2: Put everything into enhancing the state’s monopoly on violence (military and law enforcement) to protect those capitalists’ interests at home and abroad.

Step 3: PROFIT!

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This is a reply to one of the comments in the thread below. Wasn’t sure where to place it. There can’t be a good Superman movie because if he doesn’t solve it in 5 minutes it is because he is doing something just absolutely fucking stupid to not cause the villain harm at all while letting millions die.

I saw his early issues mentioned as he has flaws, but then for 50 years they kept just giving him more random powers every week.

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Unsurprised

1) Go back to basics. He was a Superman, not God Almighty. It’s authorial prerogative. The same thing that “made” him have to kill Zod at the end of Man of Steel. Fucking horseshit.

2) All-Star Superman is him at his most powerful and it’s fucking amazing.

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Wakezilla

See my response above. It can be done. The films tend to not focus on the compelling things that makes Superman. There have been a handful of Amazing Superman animated films that doesn’t make him look like a goober if the problem isn’t solved in 5 minutes.

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JustStopDude

Ever get people from your past that contact you out of the blue for a job?

How about one that committed a crime and then try to pin it on you?

No fucking bullshit, around noon, I got an email from a a former officer that tried to pin the embezzlement of $72k from the US government on me. Some how this fucker did not go to prison for this. He just got sent to a new command.

Any whoooo…dick fucker actually contacted me out of the blue, asking if I could get him a job with my employer. I thought it was one of my navy friends doing a crazy prank but the dude’s linkedin account checked out. What kind of sociopath would do this? This fucker actively tried to get me imprisoned for his crimes.

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entropy

“What kind of sociopath would do this?”

Seems like a textbook sociopath, not really one of the fringe types.

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JustStopDude

Wasn’t sure if there was like a specific term for a moronic sociopath…seriously, the whole reason I didn’t go to prison because of this guy was that he was a complete moron.

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Unsurprised

Nah. There are plenty of stupid sociopaths.

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Unsurprised

Send him to work for that asshole Briton in the Middle East you mentioned the other day.

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...

This game is all dongs and excessive celebration.

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Mr. Ayo

What channel?
-A.A. Ron

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entropy

You’re not watching ESPN, that browser window is Pornhub with the “Gay” filter on.

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Shogun Marcus

That’s why I didn’t go to homecoming.
…and my girlfriend lived in Canada. You don’t know her. Shut up.

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entropy

So I have Man of Steel playing randomly in the background, and I maintain that while it is not a good movie, it does have a very chilling “First Contact” feel to the middle third, and that multi-language “You Are Not Alone” sequence is goddamn brilliant (although I feel Zack Snyder lost a golden opportunity for a fun joke by not going with the ALERT on the copier being “PC Load Letter”).

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Shogun Marcus

Zack Snyder has no concept of these joke things you speak of.

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entropy

I disagree… he had “Take A Shit guy” from LOST play Xerxes in 300. If that’s not an epic practical joke on the studio, what is?

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Unsurprised

A joke on the audience.

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JustStopDude

Fucking Batman movies have ruin DC movies.

Its hilarious to me that Marvel can make a widely successful film out of a fucking one note tree or Deadpool, but DC can’t do even a basic Superman movie.

NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE FUCKING DARK BATMAN!!!

I fucking can’t stand Batman. Its every libertarian douchebag’s wet dream. Wildly rich asshole gets to go around savagely beating and maiming people like he is Patrick Bateman only the public loves him for it because BIG GOVERNMENT is slow and inefficient.

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entropy

I agree, not everything has to be Dark Batman, although I enjoyed the Dark Knight largely due to Ledger’s Joker. His take was finally someone who wasn’t just random nonsense, although the plans were comic-book-movie overdone that would only be plausible within these movies, but hey, I’m watching a film about a shattered little boy who dresses up like a bat and tries to fight the monsters under his bed, so “realism” is asking for a lot.

The problem with DC is they have no idea how to properly modulate tone…. their attempt at light-hearted comic movie failed in EVERY possible way, and to add insult to injury, Marvel took the same lead actor and turned Deadpool into a license to print money. That’s got to hurt. So they went from “bright colors and a moderate amount of fun” to “Comic Book Movies Shot Through Dolph Lundgren’s Punisher” filters. They stumbled into something interesting with Wonder Woman, but promptly fucked that up with a pointless “I thought she was with you” dud of a one-liner.

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JustStopDude

Oh yeah I totally agree. We see this in other film genres. All the time a “theme of the now” will be out where multiple studios are trying to hit the same things at the same time.

Like kids movies, its fascinating to me to see a Pixar movie and then a competitive studio trying to copy them…and its laughably bad.

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Unsurprised

Ledger was great as The Joker and his tactics and style make me wish for more movies where the villain has CIA/Special Forces training in unconventional/insurgent warfare tactics and asset recruiting and control, and it was shot rather beautifully. However, the rest of the movie and the entire trilogy is dogshit except for Batman Begins until they find Falcone tied up to the spotlight.

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JustStopDude

Also, I am not saying that Batman doesn’t have to be dark or I have a problem with dark Batman. Batman works better dark.

The problem is that superman is suppose to be light. He is the hopeful, super powered hero who is kind of stupid. Batman is suppose to be the dark, super smart but physically weak, cynic anti-hero.

It just doesn’t work if everything is dark in the DC universe. Its almost on par with everyone being a hero or everyone being a villain.

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Unsurprised

“Superman’s too powerful,” the usual bitching by haters is just noise.

That isn’t necessarily true and it certainly hasn’t been true for many, many years and arguably his best runs (All-Star Superman being the exception). So besides making him a literal Space Jesus (he was created by Jews and at best he’s Space Moses, which makes him an even better avatar for hope and the best of humanity aspiring to reach its full potential), how’s he introduced? Single-handedly saving the world from an extinction-level event. Not outwitting and foiling Lex Luthor without kicking his ass, which is something he could always do, but doesn’t because their best conflicts are always intellectual; not even defeating a single city-wide threat like Metallo or the Toyman or something. Nope, gotta go straight to Zod and a whole fucking army of Kryptonians to suck off the nostalgia boner nerds have for stupid shit and because … I don’t really know.

He’s straining to smash a fucking car on the cover of Action Comics #1. He couldn’t even fly in the early comics.

God damn it. Fucking DC.

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JustStopDude

Hell, they couldn’t even follow the whole “Batman does kill people” because there is no way in hell that Ben Aflack’s batman isn’t killing a shit ton of people.

And what the fuck is up with Batman branding people?!?

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Unsurprised

I’ll give them a pass on that because there are plenty of runs where Batman had no qualms about killing people, in the first four movies Batman killed people, he kills people in Batman Begins (proximate cause is a motherfucker), and the idea that Batman doesn’t kill – his one rule that Ledger’s Joker so righteously mocks – goes entirely against the fascist and libertarian ethos that he is built upon.

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Unsurprised

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Spanky Datass

So there’s more than one DFO NCAA bracket? Did not know that …

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Unsurprised

There’s a Facebook video of Elmo being laid-off to protest the Trump budget.

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LemonJello

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...

She seems nice.

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Unsurprised

Nice form.

1
...

HOT TAKE ALERT!

Profar was just tagged off first base because he was too busy hyping up his dugout to pay attention to where he was standing.

Goddamn, this tournament is fun.

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...

Yadi went batshit after throwing out a runner running over to this dugout riling up his team and now Balentien just launching a fucking homerun and bat flipping like a fucking boss.

Trump’s America is weeping in the corner.

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...

Latin American baseball players do baseball so fucking well.

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Unsurprised

Timbers 2 game on Saturday. :-/

Wow. Am I the first to say that it’s time to send Elway to the glue factory?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Time to party.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So here’s something – my Elite Eight was completely intact untll Duke lost yesterday. Every year I sacrifice my bracket to guarantee they won’t win it all (by judicious application of Murphy’s Law and picking them) but this year hurt more than most.

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Unsurprised

Die!

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LemonJello

I’ve seen more than my fair share of stupid shit, but what the actual fuck is this kid trying to accomplish?

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Unsurprised

Suicide.

He’s even a failure at that.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Lean in, fail, recover.
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Brocky

So I have a fun game.

In detail, describe the most negative thing that could happen to Tom Brady, yet you still wouldn’t feel sorry for him.

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...

Literally emasculated.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPED from the headlines! T.B.’s deflated balls!

2
LemonJello

Well, since manual castration has been taken, I guess I’ll go with:

Identity theft, loss of all his monies, being put on the TSA watchlist and contracting a non-contagious dysentery that causes him to violently empty his bowels whenever he hears a Bahstahn accent.

2
Brocky

Tom Brady has his head constantly stuck in a vice, and has to be present for every primetime NFL game and every playoff game so he can personally shine the shoes of every member of their winning team.

He also has to make his own travel arrangements. He has to drive with the fucking vice on

3
herodotus450

Traded to the Browns.
…No I can’t do it, that’s too cruel. Maybe the Bengals.

7
...

To backup Red Rocket.

1
LemonJello

Fun fact: Red Rocket is the strap-on Giselle pegs ol’TB12 with on “special occasions.”

The everyday one is named “Old Faithful.”

3
...

Behind every great man is a woman pegging him.

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jjfozz

Kidnapped by Kabuki tribe in Amazon, kept alive while his femurs are removed.

His skin is then removed from his body, but luckily he is still kept alive.

Skin then tanned and stretched over gigantic lizard skulls.

Drum circle, using his femurs as sticks, goes on for three days, all while Brady is alive.

Finally, they stone him to death with red hot lava stones.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, you are specific, which helps.

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...

While I would never encourage anyone to join Twitter, “JJFozz describing your death” would be a must-follow for me.

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Brocky

Kabuki tribe in Amazon

So is that like a Japanese theater troop that is inexplicably in South America or is it a tribe or poor indigenous people who all seem to suffer from Kabuki syndrome, a real life development disorder

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A mix of the two.
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Unsurprised

Insufficient.

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Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure I could muster “feel sorry”; he’s lead a great life already. TERRIBLE shit happens to decent people all the time; he has the riches to deal. I’ll save that for something like the masses in Aleppo or something inevitable like that. Brady gets inoperable cancer; a shit ton of people more deserving of pity get inoperable cancer. Fuck Brady.

2
Brocky

Yeah, but inoperable cancer is the result of happenstance.

Something maliciously done to him. Like giving decrepid al Davis a spongebath

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that WAS NOT STIPULATED. I can’t think of anything better than Fozz’s.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Have you seen the “White Bear” episode of Black Mirror? Basically that, but with football.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Now that I think of it, that has already more or less been done here at DFO: https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/10/31/the-last-yard/

Twice, by a fairly liberal interpretation: https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/10/14/the-circle-prelude/

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Unsurprised

Tortured to death after seeing his family tortured to death. There is literally NOTHING that could happen to Brady that would make me feel sorry for him. I’ve somehow managed to read some incredibly fucked up tales of torture, neglect, and general inhumanity and I would still smile gladly at all of them happening to Tom Brady.

Fuck him, his family, his team, New England, the NFL, and fuck football and all of you as well.

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Brocky

… you alright buddy?

1
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Something involving the urethra. I legitimately can’t amplify on that without freaking myself out.

1
jjfozz

A fucking four hour meeting where 90% of the talk was about finance = right the fuck over my head.

I’m tired and I want to kill someone. Maybe a professional wrestler, cause they all need to die.

3
Brocky

Can you spare cesaro? He’s literally one of the few reasons I have left to live for

2
Shogun Marcus

Oh Jests…McCown?!?! Srsly?!

0
Brocky

I could have sworn he played for them already

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...

That means he’s a perfect fit.

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...

I’ll flight fight any baseball fan who says the WBC is bad.

3
LemonJello

What’ll you do to a non-baseball fan who says that?

2
...

Probably give a tepid shrug.

That or a thrown bat.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Where is the flight too? Round trip?

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litre_cola

I been all aboard with you. Where will this fight take place. Preferably neutral ground.

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Senor Weaselo

“I’m in, depending on if they’re one of those people.” -Riley Cooper

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LemonJello

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Shogun Marcus

You guys, YOU GUYS!!! My NAMESAKES ARE GOING ON TOUR TOGETHER!!! And they’ll be in Milwaukee! The missus is nowhere near appropriately excited for this.

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Shogun Marcus

http://www.pro-rock.com

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Nothing in So Cal?

FINE! GOOD! WHATEVER! I DIDN’T WANT TO GO ANYWAY!

2
Shogun Marcus

True. Vegas?

1
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

If it was on a weekend, hell yeah, but that’s two days of vacation I can’t afford…

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Fronkenshteen

Why Does Spike Lee Capitalize Every Word?

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Trevor Semen

Pseudo-intellectuals do it to look smart

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FUCK ELWAY!

*Except for his GMing business.

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Trevor Semen

I pitched this earlier and heard no dissent so… https://discord.gg/AtFxw

1
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That’s good hustle! I’ll pass this along by way of the Poker folks and see what happens.

1
Trevor Semen

Make sure to remind me to create a new link in 1 day’s time. They don’t let me make a permanent link.

1
Trevor Semen

Wait they do. discord.gg/zaz5M will last forever

2
Don T

Thanks man.

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