Eastern Conference Playoff Team Previews & Wednesday Open Thread

I’m eschewing NFL News today & tomorrow because nothing important is going on, and the draft is still 15 days away, meaning Cleveland has plenty of time to screw things up.

NHL Notes:

Tonight’s previews cover the teams not already written up by our crack staff of intrepid reporters.

Click here, here and here for those.

Many other teams, however, don’t have stalwart-enough fans on DFO to warrant analysis. So, they get mine.

Montreal Canadiens:

Here’s all you need to know about the Habs:

If Carey Price is off, they’re fucked. They don’t have the scoring or defence to hang long with big-shooting teams. But like the 1986 (or 1993) Canadiens who rode Patrick Roy to an improbable Cup, if he’s hot, they have a long run in them.

FYI: They are called the Habs because people think it means “Habitants”. The “H” comes from when they switched their name from “Club athlétique Canadien” to “Club de hockey Canadien” .

           

According to NHL.com, the first man to refer to the team as “the Habs” was American Tex Rickard, owner of the Madison Square Garden, in 1924. Rickard apparently told a reporter that the “H” on the Canadiens’ sweaters was for “Habitants”.


Boston Bruins:

As sad as it has been to watch the Canucks golf their way down to obscurity again, it’s been equally frustrating watching the Bruins muddle their way to ambiguity. Allow me to remind you about the two minutes that led to their current state:

Some of the core components from the 2011 & 2013 runs are still there. Obviously, Big Z is still anchoring the blueline, and Rask, Marchand & Bergeron still have their roles. But injuries are the key factor in how far they might go. The Bruins start the series short two defensive starters; Torey Krug is so hurt the Bruins signed a kid right out of Boston University and his first professional game will be Game 1 in Ottawa.

Scoring isn’t an issue. The hard part will be breaking through Ottawa’s modified neutral-zone trap.

Once again, Tuukka Rask carried the bulk of the net-minding load, and his 2.25 GAA should give the Bruins a good chance to squeak out the series victory, a series that on paper is the closest matchup of the first round.


Washington Capitals:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “The Capitals have what it takes to go all the way this year.”

The Capitals have always had the offence to go far, but a defence that kept them from doing so. Ovi is Ovi,

but the real force this year was Nicklas Backstrom, who finished the year 18 points above his captain.

On defence, adding Kevin Shattenkirk at the trade deadline bolstered an already strong defence, anchored by probable 2018 Canadian Olympic starting goalie Braden Holtby. (They’re going – the IOC needs the NHL more than the NHL needs the Olympics.)

On every level, stats & regular-season performance dictates this finally has to be Washington’s year.

And yet every year, around late-April, this shot flashes across your TV screen

and you wonder…


Toronto Maple Leafs:

Go away. No one likes you.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Rangers at Canadiens – 7:00 | NBCSN / CBC
    • Bruins at Senators – 7:00 | NHLN-US / Sportsnet
    • CBJ at Penguins – 7:00 | USA / Sportsnet360
    • Blues at Wild – 9:30 | NBCSN / Sportsnet360
    • Sharks at Oilers – 10:00 | USA / Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • Hawks at Pacers – 8:00 | ESPN
    • Pelicans at Trail Blazers – 10:30 | ESPN

Next to the first round of March Madness, the Stanley Cup’s first round is the greatest tournament in sports. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

What a cute little asshole.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dealt with most of the easy ones. Now at 102.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Random moose picture that triggers a pet peeve #34:

STOP WRITING YOUR FUCKING PASSWORDS DOWN FOR TECH SUPPORT PEOPLE. IT IS NOT NECESSARY AND SHOCKINGLY STUPID.

Unsurprised

Make them get a passwor— FUCK!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rikki is working on some programming so….. semi related.

Our IT guy asks you to type in your own password.

Being around for quit a while the former passwords start piling up in my head.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Trying to do laundry is apparently very difficult when your washer just decides not to engage the spin cycle or drain.

“9 minutes?! It said that 9 minutes ago!”

Getting close to resorting to cat power.

http://meowgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/washing-machine-cat.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Cowboy up, bitches. It’s poker time

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dere

Unsurprised

I assume all the ghouls are masturbating furiously to the news of a dead female muslim judge.

LemonJello
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s right, baby, unwrap ALL those optionals. Rikki-Tikki-Deadly gonna raw dog this shit right here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Any chance you know her name and email address?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s Meg White, I thought. You can probably get her email from Chip Kelly.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ah, google image search failed me. I admire her tank top’s work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She already gave you the…. rim shot….. for that joke.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Down to 164!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening, gents and lady or ladies.

LemonJello

Interesting spotting technique they’re using.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, nothing like pasting over a single function and seeing 249 red exclamation points (each one indicating an issue that needs to be addressed).

JustStopDude

I am dealing with something just like that.

My much cheaper, Mexican equivalent competitor integrated a bunch of our equipment into a process line. Since they can’t be bothered to do training, the end user came to us.

OH MY GOD THE CODING IS WRONGER THAN WRONG!

I started to try and fix it somewhat to make it run on a series of simulators. For our shit, if there is an error in a line of code, it turns bright red.

My fucking screen was bleeding like a snuff film. I have zero idea how to even begin to talk to the customers when they arrive because I suspect they are having shitloads of problems but legally, I can’t fix them.

“You get what you pay for…and you used the cheapest mother fuckers you could find”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This isn’t so bad because it’s my own stuff – I’m translating it from java. Mostly it’s just addressing differences in syntax – but it’s damned daunting to see the screen light up like that.

JustStopDude

Oh yeah. You got to love the immediate butt puckering.

My favorite is when I try to make a fix and then I start watching as the code starts bleeding all over the place gradually.

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These customers coming in…I got to tell them that the $60k or so worth of encoders they have installed on their equipment…aren’t being used for shit.

Unsurprised

“You get what you pay for…and you used the cheapest mother fuckers you could find”

Good. Fuck ’em.

LemonJello

Reason # eleventybillion why I knew I would never be a programmer.

Unsurprised

I’d rather my cat be autistic (could anyone tell the difference?) than have feline AIDS.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Why the fuck did I click on that idiot site.

Sharkbait

Shutout Smoothies!

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King Hippo

Canadia disappoints Hippo. AGAIN.

LemonJello

This evening in WTF!?!
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It seems like every new computer language I learn I start out saying “this is idiotic, why do they do things this way, [the last language I learned] handles this so much better” and then eventually I start to come around.

Currently up: Swift. I’m getting less irritated at it, but it’s not really cool how they have changed like 75% of the syntax since it was released like three years ago.

Gratliff

I spend most of my time doing windows server administration bullshit. As such, I use PowerShell extensively. Every so often, I have to hack together something for piece of shit Apple’s OS X piece of shit, and I spend the entire time running down whichever fuckheads developed bash, which is a shit scripting language.

LemonJello

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Dr. Strange would be a good name for the guy in your group of friends who cheats on his girlfriend the most.

JustStopDude

Frank can’t poop….

https://youtu.be/cNQ3sxvslhQ

WCS

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LemonJello

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LemonJello

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King Hippo

goddamnit, Sens! Do it FOAR Hippo’s racist ex-gf!!

/she’ll find a way to blame in on “the Mexicans” and/or “the naggers”

Wakezilla

Given their recent history, it sounds like she should be a Bruins fan.

LemonJello

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LemonJello

Great. Now I’m thirsty.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

Russians? Seems like something Russians would do.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure if there is enough track suit pants.

Wakezilla

Alright Rob, I’ll tackle the Nashville Predatorzzzzzzzzzzz. Has anyone done the Oilers yet? I can do them, too if not. Lemme know. these are fun to do.

Thanks for the tip. Seeing how my beautiful 8 month old daughter is in protesting nap mode, I’ll take her over tomorrow and get some beer. I might even buy a chocolate stout and marshmellow vodka and mix them all together to see if I get a delicious S’mores buzz.

entropy

Lookit Zack Wheeler bringing his ERA down to 10!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

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Unsurprised

GIS says … Ashley Sky

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

You’re an odd guy, Moose.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Than you for welcoming me to your club.
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King Hippo

ah think if’n one called a Party member “normal” he would fight yewwww

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://i2.asntown.net/h4/13/funny-gif/5/weird-japanese-people/wtf-japan-gif-baby-pizza.gif

I’m in the mean, center of the bell curve, just regular……. totes not disturbed.

entropy

People always get “normal” wrong… it’s just the average of the people you surround yourself with. And, considering we surround ourselves with each other… well, you see the issue here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

Hypnotic.
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King Hippo

PRO TIP – God doesn’t like you very much

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

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Senor Weaselo

Such a tragic loss… the piano I mean.

Wakezilla

Are there any NHL teams still needing a playoffs preview? I’d like to write about one if there’s any left.

Also, Rob, was there a lot of those graham cracker beer six packs available? I’m thinking about going to the brewery tomorrow to buy some.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

womp womp

/teh hawks may be black but teh balls are most assuredly blue

King Hippo

Do Senators fans make lots of forced quorum jokes?

WCS

Not if Mitch McConnell has his way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

Pour one out for Charlie Murphy. He and Rick James are karate fighting in the next world, with a pick-up game of one-on-one with Prince after.

King Hippo

HOLY SHIT. Game, blouses indeed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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entropy

Back when the Flyers could be reliably counted upon to make the first round of the playoffs, we used to take a big-ass console TV out on the porch of whatever row home me and a bunch of friends were living in, get a few cases of beer, and watch Playoff Hockey the way it’s meant to be watched: drunk, and in public. Almost all of our neighbors hated us except the extremely religious guy next door, who always seemed to come alive during Porch Hockey Season.

Those were fun times.

Spur

I shall attempt to watch this hockey. I get New York vs something called Montreal.

King Hippo

ok, Ice Footbaw. You is on my “boring as Dirt Footbaw” list.

Think I just hate everything in the entire world other than Greater and Lesser Footy now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t think that is actually glitter.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Worried they had footage of me for a sec, but I drives a minivan WHEW!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

not unless I got a little hotwire-y

/also as a Honky American, I am unnaturally proud of my parallel parking ability

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Kinda wish we were still talking about cars.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Croooow

I would really love to see a Canadian team win the Cup this year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

EH?!?

*Yeah, me too.

King Hippo

Me, every year in liek forevs. Canadia is the best, and they really REALLY care about this shit.

King Hippo

In heaven, there are water coolers eternally filled with sweet, golden Tussionex. God is cool like dat.

Unsurprised

She seems nice.

King Hippo

God, Flower is bad.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He never…… rises to the occasion.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m thinking of giving up the exporting, and only focusing on the importing. But the exporting does seem important.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You have to take a dump sometime, PAL.

King Hippo

shhhh! Don’t tell teh Movantik ppl!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello

He’s not your pal, buddy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuQK6t2Esng

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FINE, BROTHER!