Tonight’s Episode: 

Love in a Locker

It was a late spring / early summer day in woody Connecticut.   Schools were letting out and all the kids were happily thinking about their summer plans and emptying out their lockers.  All the old crap was tossed away into the trash receptacles of which there were many. Old Man Carruthers had made sure of that.

By 4:30 PM, all the lockers were empty and their contents were either on their way to a kid’s house or on their way to the city dump.  Except one.

[INTERIOR: HORATIO’S LOCKER]

Horatio:  Doobie doobie doo.  La la la.  Man, it’s finally summer!  Time to paaaaaaartaaaayyy!

Horatio set up the locker in a 70s chic decor.  There was a sample of shag carpeting that he laid out in the middle and a mini crystal chandelier hung from the top.  Airline bottles of the best booze were laid out like soldiers along the far wall.

Horatio:  Oh boy oh boy oh boy!  This party is going to be awesome!

Though Horatio had been stuck in his locker going on for two years (or was it three? I forget), he had adjusted well.  Sure, each year there was a different kid that “owned” the locker and that kinda messed up the chi.  Sometimes, the kids would leave food in the locker and Horatio would have to fight off the ants. Those were tough days indeed.

The bad days were behind him, though, and in front there was another full summer of no kids and nonstop partying to be had.  Sure, no one had shown up to his parties last summer, but that’s because he hadn’t gotten the word out!  As it was, it was nice to have the place to himself.  A little alone time is never bad, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

But this year was different.  This year, he had made little tiny flyers and he had made sure to stick them inside the kid’s books.  She would pass them on to her friends and them to their friends and so on and so forth.  Everyone was sure to show up!

Horatio made sure the locker was ready and then took a nice peaceful nap.  The party didn’t start until 9 so he didn’t expect people until 10 and then it was, as the flyer said, scheduled to end at “???”.

At around 8, he woke up and got ready. He put on his best outfit

had a nip of the Johnny Walker Red

and waited for the guests to arrive.  The first to arrive were those sluts from the other side of the tracks.  They always come quick when they hear there is liquor.

The next guests to arrive were the weird girls from across town.  They’re like into weird music and stuff, but they seem kinda cool.

Even the classy rich girls showed up!

Everything was great and the ratio was awesome and then, for some stupid reason, it turned into a sausage party

Horatio:  Goddamit!  How the fuck did you guys hear about this?

Surfer Ken:  Chill, brah!  We brought booze!  Gotta be hospitable, man!

Horatio resigned himself to his fate and let them in.

Horatio:  Yeah, you’re right.  Come in and have a good time!

More girls showed up and pretty soon the party was in full swing.

The tiny transistor radio kept the tunes blaring all night long.

At exactly 1:04 AM, and Horatio remembered the time exactly because it would change his life, a dream-like vision appeared before him.

Blonde:  Are you Horatio?

Brunette:  Is this your party?

Horatio:  Um… yeah!  Welcome!  Can I get you both a drink?

Blonde:  Sure.  Some Bailey’s?

Horatio (to himself): I KNEW it was a good idea to get that!  Chicks LOVE that shit!  (to her):  Yes, of course, please have a seat.

Brunette:  I don’t see anywhere to sit.  Maybe I’ll just lie down on the shag carpet.

Horatio returned quickly with the drinks.

Horatio:  Ladies.  Hope you enjoy.

Blonde:  Great party!  Come sit down with us.  Nice jacket!

Horatio:  Thanks!  It’s naugahyde!

Brunette:  I don’t even know what that means, but I like it.   Listen, hot stuff, we brought some X, but we don’t have enough for everyone, do you think you can…

Horatio:  PARTY’S OVER!  EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT!

Everyone looked over in Horatio’s direction, laughed, and continued to party.  It wasn’t until Horatio turned the radio off that everyone got the message.  Everyone filed out quickly and headed to the cafeteria for some late night munchies.

Horatio:  Ok, the place is all ours!

He turned the radio on again, this time to the station playing the slow RnB love songs.  Barry White, that kind of stuff.  You know the one.

Blonde:  Perfect!  Here, take this.

The blonde produced three pills and they each grabbed one.  Horatio placed his in his mouth, took a big swig of his drink, and swallowed it.  It didn’t take long for the pills to take effect.  Pretty soon the girls’ hands were all over each other and Horatio.

Horatio expertly took the clothes off the ladies and began exploring their bodies.  As soon as he reached the place he most wanted to go, he got confused.

Horatio:  Um, girls? Where is your…you know?

Girls (together):  We don’t have one.

Horatio:  Huh, what now?

Blonde:  Yeah, don’t you know that’s how we’re made?

Horatio:  Uh…

Brunette:  You can lick us, though.  That will make us feel good.

Horatio:  Ok!  You’ll return the favor, right?

Blonde:  Weeeelll, our mouths don’t open.

Horatio:  What the?!?  Are you serious?

Brunette:  Haven’t you noticed?

Horatio:  Honestly, I thought you guys were just acting strange but I was rolling with it.  So, what can I do?

Girls (together): Titty fuck?

Horatio:  But….

Blonde:  But what?

Horatio:  Well, they don’t exactly….move.

Brunette:  That’s never been a problem before.  Trust us.

Horatio:  Titty fuck it is!!

And Horatio spent the rest of his night titty-fucking the girls until his little Horatio balls were empty.  Of course, he licked them too.  He’s not a complete asshole.

Le Fin