To answer the question from last night: $200.
NFL News:
- For reasons that will become apparent after the sun swallows the earth, Jerry Jones & some Hall of Fame folks met the Pope at The Vatican.
- At least Robert Kraft is an observant Jew, which made the Jerusalem event yesterday make a lot more sense.
- I can’t even summarize this bullshit. God should have smitten the building and had the earth swallow it whole, like that girl did Jerry.
- At least it wasn’t a Cowboys jersey.
- David Harris is leaving the Jets for the Patriots, because the Patriots offered him more money than the Jets. Seems legit.
- the Jets actually tried to offer him a pay cut, which will do nothing to quell rumours of a tank-season, despite what certain prideful players have to say.
- Panther Greg Olsen wants his deal restructured, to “reflect productivity”.
- He’s in the last year of a three-year deal, and wants a two-year extension built in as well.
- No word on a pony for his daughter.
- He’s in the last year of a three-year deal, and wants a two-year extension built in as well.
- Norv Turner says he may return to coaching at some point. This year is the first time since 1975 he hasn’t been on a sideline.
- So, look for his name when mid-season firing season opens.
Apparently, the Browns have upgraded Brock Osweiler from “meh” to “Hmm…”
- Mind you, even 2017 Bernie Kozar could guide the Browns to another 1-15, so the bar is ridiculously low.
- Today’s theft of Crimebeat! topics include:
- Hey look – a former Browns #1 draft pick. 2014 disappointment Justin Gilbert will have to sit a year if he ever signs with a new team, due to violating the League’s substance abuse policy.
- Keyshawn Johnson Jr. is taking leave from Nebraska after picking up a ticket for being caught with Mary Jane.
- Dad clearly has his back:
- “One thing you will not do as my son is you will not embarrass Nebraska, you will not embarrass (coach) Mike Riley and you will not embarrass this family. If you mature and you’re ready to resume your football career and academic goals, then Nebraska will be ready to embrace you.”
- Dad clearly has his back:
- OJ Simpson’s parole hearing has been scheduled for July 20th. Expect an increase in Goldman family press conferences over the coming weeks.
Finally, your long read of the day comes from the MMQB, and is about Joe Don Looney, possibly “the most uncoachable player” in NFL history.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Annual awards, from Las Vegas – 8:00PM | Sportsnet | NBCSN
- Beisbol:
- MLB:
- Blue Jays at Rangers – 8:00PM | Sportsnet1
- Mets at Dodgers – 10:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- NCAA:
- Florida State vs. LSU – 7:00PM | ESPN
- MLB:
Tonight we find out who will form the Las Vegas Golden Knights roster. It’s going to look like a Buddy Cole MILF party. SO MANY 40 YEAR-OLDS!
Awoogaa
Turkeys are done!
I like alcohol. And women. At least I can get the former. Is it Friday yet?
Candidate for understatement of the year.
Guess I could say the same…..
Did she fall off the pole one too many times?
Alt.
Meth is a Hell of a drug.
Who was up to harass me about my posts but not not up to correct me later?
You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?
Not putting pants on.
I see comments being harassed retrospectively. If I say I am watching Battle of the Bastards will you start shitting on someone else? I promise to not talk about GoT for like 13 minutes.
You have 36 min
We’re allowed to do that? SWEET!!!!!!
— R. Incognito
I just watched Rickon die. I am already sad
Woah! We have spoiler tags asshole!
NERD FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole thing about images needing S’s is becoming a huge pain in the ass.
Just saying.
More cars need front windows that open.
I can drive any motorcycle but a manual transmission is a bitch to work. I can do it, but I won’t
My dads car is actually my sisters Honda Fit. I only drive it if my dad is gonna die
Hers were easily the best episodes, especially the second one where she played Laura and the Irish woman.
The season finale was great, too, though. And I still adore the fuck out of the premiere. Basically, I love American Gods. Such a great series. I want the Anansi Boys spinoff like yesterday.
VW buses seem to be popular candidates:
True Story: My father made me learn to drive in one of those. Straight transmission, shitty clutch, in the snow. Anyone who has ever driven one of those things knows what I’m talking about.
If you can drive those horrible things, in the snow….you can pretty much drive anything.
A friend of mine had one way back when; that fucker would always start no matter what. It smelled of spilled bong water and resin for some reason. He also rigged a keg cooler in it, so it was a popular vehicle.
Rusted out in a similar pattern.
Orange Crush (artist’s conception)
((yes, my family has always named its cars and Dad was trying to be a Donks fan then for some reason))
When I was 5 my dad drove us all from DC up to northern Ontario and back in one of these one summer. I’ve always loved them since then, particularly the older ones with the split windshield.
Dad also made me learn to fly in a Piper Cherokee sooooo….ya know. LMFAO.
“Made”?
OK, “made” might be overstating it on the flying thing. But if I wanted to learn to fly it had to be on that plane. It just wasn’t fair!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched the GoT trailer again because… I don’t know, it is fun watching a video jump up 150,000 views from when you start til you end it (not even a joke). I really want a Jon Snow and Tyrion scene where they aren’t being king or adviser where they talk about their connection from the first season
“Orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three oranges whips please.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO83xJdFHU4
Derek Carr is about to be the highest paid player. These are indeed strange times. Good for him though.
Next thing we know, Darkest Timeline Derek Carr wins Super Bowl 52
I’m glad six flags killed off the creepy dancing guy.
/you’re welcome for having him reinstalled into your nightmares
For retiring this character I am going to say something I never thought I would say, and never will again.
Thank you Dan Snyder
It doesn’t naturally roll off the fingers does it?
Bob gets the Vezina. Remember when Philly traded him for a pack of Camels and a 6th rounder?
My bad. The Flyers got much less than that.
I remember Angelo Cataldi celebrating Bobs’ trade, and saying he’ll never be a good goaltender.
WIP – Radio for Jackasses
They made an entire movie wherein the protagonist was sympathetic for wanting to murder a WIP caller, and it was the right call.
If you get the chance to try Pepsi fire…skip it. It is decidedly meh on the Osweiler scale ™
I honestly don’t get the joke. Do we get a second round pick if we drink it?
See beerguys write-up above.
I somehow skipped over that part of the article, I guess that proves his point.
For Don T:
Accidental perfect loop
Yes!
Greg Olsen actually has 2 years left on his contract, not one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XA5HErVE9oI
Only one? Poor bastard.
So what happens when the plane takes off?
Lift ticket disclaimer kicks in.
Is this from a James Bond flick?
That Osweiler scale killed me. Maybe it should go:
why?! welp meh hmm… [⬅️ ceiling]
I’ve been listening to the 74 Seconds podcast about the Philando Castile shooting. It’s not a great podcast but the story is nuts. Just how calm everything was before the shooting and then how calm Diamond Reynolds was and like the kid got out of the car. I don’t understand the legalities of the situation — it’s just crazy is all.
It’s completely fucked. Cops (not all, because I don’t wanna hear someone say Not All) are apparently so afraid of black people that Execution is option #1. And it’s completely legal, according to trial results. I really really feel sorry for black people who get pulled over, since they have no idea whether the resulting encounter will result in death. It’s a fear I’ll never know, and it’s way the fuck past time to solve this shit.
I am one to say “not all”, that being said; the disproportionate nature of these killings with no association of penalties is just one symptom of how fucking racist this country still is. Policing in general, real estate, voting district adjustments…. it’s systematic to our rotten core. I just don’t see it getting better any time soon. It’s as if “You got ur black president, now we gonna do what we want.” Jesus Fuck, people are assholes (yeah, obvs)
Ok, you and I are completely in agreement, so let’s get a beer.
Got mine. Lemme know when you get yours.
/starts drinking anyway
Finished the binner deer ….
THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY IN ICE BOMBERS HISTORY!!!!! THORBURN IS GONE!!!!! I GIVE A WHOPPING ZERO FUCKS THAT I COST THE JETS A 1st.
Vegas knows they’re an NHL team, not an AHL team, right?
Gentlemen
Figment of a fever dream.
Where?
/checks breath
G’day to the only one of you that I know truly exists.
Ha!
Holy shit, Vegas is fucking garbage so far. I look forward to watching them become the Kansas City BBQ or the Seattle Seamen in 10 years
Slam on the brakes.
Washington’s MLS team being the United makes a certain amount of sense, but Atlanta United FC? Get the fuck out of here. Fucking rubes.
The only other franchise than can justified the United name is the one in Minnesota. I remember the name “Legion” was popular amongst fans. Even “Sporting Atlanta” would have made sense considering Blank owns them and the Falcons.
But the people united will never be defeated!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_mQiL19XmI
So in conclusion, Vegas is drafting the first pick in the 2018 draft with these picks.
The Ice Broncos may have something to say about that.
Jesus. They fucked up that draft in a hurry.
They have so many picks, in 3 years they will be good. They fleeced everyone. Their 1st round of picks is expansioney.
Vegas off to an interesting start…
The regret doesn’t set in for three days
Lucas Sbisa bahahahahahahaha
Vegas sounds like they’ll be more competitive than what NHL analysts are saying (I don’t think they truly get the concept of the Raiders heading to Vegas in two years and how that will negatively affect the team), but not quite like the team I’d come up with.
They need to be playoffs bound this year and they need to win with flare. Name recognition helps, too. I know Herodotus joked about this earlier, but, I’d take Jagr for the name recognition. He can get lots of first rounders this year. But does that really mean anything in a universally accepted weak draft year? I’d rather take Vatanen or Mason from Anaheim, Calvin de Haan from the Islanders, etc
Jerking off really is like a pressure valve. Neglect can prove deadly.
Weeeee!!
“If she queefs while orgasming, you’re gonna have a bad time …”
I know the salary cap didn’t go up that much, but can’t they at least spring for a fucking podium? Should be able to flip it for at least a 5th round pick at the deadline.
Evening lizard people. I got hit by a car today! Okay, I bobbed and weaved my body behind it to make sure I got to a workshop I’m playing at on time, but car made contact with my body, it totally counts! Cute conductor violinist (different girl) and I joked that it gives me street cred. (Almost-ex conductor, who is the personnel manager and texted me “Where are you” slightly after this, didn’t ask if I was okay until the break an hour and a half later.)
Now that’s what I call forte piano
You’re like Whiplash!
Ha! Yeah, they’re gonna take Jagr, Kronwall, or Plekanac. I didn’t know the draft was taking place 15 years ago. Although it IS in Vegas…
They should make all the players wear nameplates on the back of their suits so we we actually know who they are. And across their faces for most of them.
Jesus fuck is this the nhl awards or the crosby penguins cock sucking exposition?
Yes.
Ron Goldman’s dad used to work on the floor of the Nordstroms in Scottsdale. I saw him once (was banging a chick who worked there — POW!) and he looked like himself with the handlebar mustache and everything. I felt bad because people must recognize him (and I’m sure the gossip rounds let everyone know he works there) and be like, “I know you from somewhere! Where was it! Have you been on TV?”
“Yes – because OJ basically cut off my son’s head.”
Brian Posehn has a great joke about that. A hotel clerk told him he doesn’t ask people why they look familiar anymore after Fred Goldman yelled “OJ SIMPSON KILLED MY SON!” at him.
Luckily, Scottsdale now has some regular porn productions based out of there, so I’d be more inclined to look around for those people if I ever found myself back in Arizona *shudders*. I mean, uh, so I hear.
75% of the women in that particular mall look like they could be in porn productions.
Then again, porn productions reach a wide array of audiences anymore….
I do find it funny how one couple has been doing this long enough to have eventually put their children through college in part because of the porn business.
Beerguy, there is also a little matter of Toronto v Montreal in the Canadian futbol championship, you pay for the whole seat but you will only need the edge. I just found out we have a team in Ottawa and Edmonton in lower levels to compete for said championship. I would keep talking but evenIi do not give a shit about this.
So my actor friend is in Berkeley and complained about Irish exchange students being on the roof partying until 3 a.m. every night. I told him he should find them a nice balcony to use instead. He said it was too soon so I guess that means the building is new and the dry rot hasn’t had a chance to set in yet.
Tell him to tack one of these on his door.
That’ll shut ’em right up, but he might want to take transit for a while..
Er …
Not the buses.
Shouting “Bono is shit!” from a neighboring rooftop would have gotten the desired results.
Heh heh heh.
Play this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzKG7wiAJTM
The fuck did you think Irish exchange students were gonna do? Study???
Study our fine American microbrews.