We are back after quite the week 1 where there were some happy moments and as usual some real angry moments. So Huddersfield town looked good eh? Won’t last. Chelsea lost which made me overjoyed, and Everton won which made Hippo happy. I will delay no further unless the boss of Lesser Footy has any thing to say. Here is the 2nd part of our Lesser footy preview.
[KH: I don’t have much by way of preview, other than my dread of Everton’s visit to the Etihad for Monday Night Footy. In between legs of Europa against a scary white power Croatian side? Prepare thine anus indeed. And hahahaha, the Redshite drew with the Moose-Hornets of Watford, because of course they did.]
Hippo you should really watch this if ya want to travel with the Toffees to Croatia. It is a little bit dated but amazing.
Manchester City- Manchester
This is my least hated of the two clubs in Manchester. They have a tonne of money behind them, a super manager and their supports minus the Gallagher Brothers aren’t extremely dickish about it. They had a lot of names that are getting on in age replaced by younger versions. The list of notable players leaving is very impressive, it includes Joe Hart, Pable Zabaleta, Gael Clichy, Fernando, Ihenacho. It seems strange to me that none of them wanted to go to Fulham. The players coming in looked good in week 1 with Kyle Walker playing extremely well. City has also added Danilo (R. Madrid), Ederson (Benfica), something called Luiz for 26 million pounds, and went and got Mendy from Monaco. They overachieved last year domestically, and in the Champions League so I expected the vultures to circle luring the players away with big money. Aguero is still there and he is so fun to watch. I think DeBruyne is very talented and is over shadowed by his flashy team mates.
[KH: DeBruyne is my favourite as well, most underrated player in the Prem by far. This is the late, great Ian Curtis’ side, and a shame he never got to see them succeed whilst in non-ghost form.] Good work on the spelling of favoUrite.
LC Prediction :They will challenge for the league, they always will as long as dirty oil money is afoot. I am ok with that as I rather them than Man U, Chelsea, Liverpool. Have to pick your battles, you just can’t hate everyone.
[KH: Yup. Win the League, ye bloodless mercenaries.]
Manchester United- Figure it out.
I don’t know how to put this nicely. I hate them. Always have. Always will. They are always good and always attract the best players in the transfer market. They signed Hippo’s guy Lukaku this year to replace Zlatan and he looked really good last week. [KH: Just fuck them bloody, I will not watch them win thanks to Big Rom covering up their myriad faults and seeing that smug grin on fuckhead McGee’s stupid face.] They pounded on West Ham and it never looked in doubt. Matic came from Chelsea which seemed weird to me but I always think that when a guy goes from one big club to another big club. The saviour kid of a few years ago Januzaj got shown the door and went to Sociedad which IMO is a huge step backward in his progression. Zlatan is smoking cigarettes being the most interesting man in the world so he is gone as well. The “chosen one” can go to hell too.
LC Prediction : Challenge for top 4 thus a Champions League position, or win the Europa league and backdoor their way in.
Newcastle United – Newcastle
If you ever get the chance to go to Newcastle you take it. That city is so much fun and the people are unreal. Be warned though that their accent is as difficult as a Scot from the hills. You will be asking them to repeat themselves many times as they have their own dialect too. They won the Championship and there was never a doubt last year that they would be coming up. In all seriousness they should never be in the lower division as they have been class in the premier league for so long. Their transfers were underwhelming and they really needed to bolster their ranks but their owner Mike Ashley is a disgrace and is happy to be at the bottom of the table every year to get that sweet teevee money because he knows the supporters will always show up.
[KH: Evertonians hate the Barcodes, and I am no exception. I would love them to be a yo-yo team forever.] I can see that, when they were up they always battled just below the rich clubs up top.
LC Prediction : Lower half of the table, but surviving, as it is a process……
WCS prediction : Inevitable 15th place. Newcastle United is the Detroit Lions of the EPL.
Southampton F.C. – Southampton, Hampshire
They had a fantastic season for their standards finishing 8th last season. They play out of a stadium that holds 32K which I think is a fantastic size of stadium when it comes to sight lines and being able to see everything. I have been to the Camp Nou which holds 99K and have sat in numerous locations for a far range in prices and the difference is remarkable. If the stadium only holds 32K you can get in for cheap and have money for beer pre and post game! I have a love of visiting different stadiums when I am abroad and my personal favoUrite after all these years is still Amsterdam Arena to see Ajax. It’s seats are all covered and it was pouring rain on the pitch and we were dry and high. I am rambling as I know very little about Southampton who brought in few players and a lot of guys left. Their nickname is the Saints, so I would assume they sing “When the Saints go marching in”.
[KH: They used to be mediocre, but interesting, now just the former applies. They can get fucked, just like their most famous DFO-exiled supporter.]
LC Prediction : No way they finish 8th this year, they will be bottom half but stay safe.
Stoke F.C – Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire
Mark Hughes is their manager, the same Mark Hughes that bitched about his tea service when he was the manager at Fulham. I get immense pleasure whenever he fails. Guess what? Peter Crouch is still playing. I know right? A couple of good Scotsmen ply their trade here in Charlie Adam, and Darrin Fletcher and they have Chelsea loanee Zouma. They still play a bruising brand of futbol and are always in tight games so I expect them to compete in every match.
[KH: Ah, the mutants of Stoke. A town, fanbase, and footy side that the 21st century (and all standards of hygiene) hath passed by.] That city is ugly, the people are ugly and they play ugly. The last time I saw a Fulham game live they beat stoke on a Darren Bent goal. I was in the Hammersmith end and everyone was going crazy except for the row of convict looking folk in front of us. I then saw Stoke tattoos on their arms, they were frightening.
LC Prediction : Same old same old. They are a club that always in the middle.
Swansea – Swansea, Wales
Wow, they survived last season; good for them. Who left? A lot of guys. Who came in? Roque Mesa from Las Palmas for a bunch of money. They are backstopped by Fabianski who I feel is perfect for this team as he isn’t world class but isn’t trash either. Being owned by Americans who also own DC United you would think that there would still be Americans in their lineup like there was last year. Nope. Not a single one. Levein had success owning the Grizzlies but it just hasn’t happened yet in Swansea. In my opinion I am surprised they are still in the premier league. I feel that they will be in the relegation battle this year as none of their roster jumps out at me as being world class.
[KH: Swans finally relented and sold Gylfi Sigurdsson to Everton (WOO!!!) on Wednesday, that record fee and the “parachute” payment when the club are relegated will represent a nice cashing out for ownership.]
LC Prediction : Relegation battlers
Tottenham – East London
Spurs were my personal surprise last season finishing 2nd overall. They haven’t brought in anyone of note to bolster their side this year and have lost Kyle Walker to Manchester City for a huge sum of money. You would think after getting a tonne for Walker that they would splash out but alas they did not. Things are not rosy for Spurs right now on the Danny Rose front. He basically said come and get me to the bigger clubs as he wants to be paid what he is worth. Guys like Kane will never leave and take a ‘hometown’ discount to play there. Spurs need to pay the man or bring in a reasonable replacement for him and Walker. With Lamela, Kane, Wanyama, Dembele and company they are still loaded up front. Their only weakness is at the back and as good as Lloris is if Rose is distracted the Frenchman will see a lot of shots.
[KH: The fanbase has someone affectionately “reclaimed” the “Yids” slur historically leveled at them, though they also do have a stereotypically cheap, Jewish owner. That resistance to spend, despite being on the precipice of glory, probably keeps them from being co-favourites with City and Chelsea.] I went to Spurs v West Ham a few years back and the Spur fans now think of Yids as a term of endearment to themselves and chant it constantly. HOWEVAH the Premier League gave them notice that those caught chanting it would be barred from White Hart Lane. They chanted it all game as a fuck you to authority. They also got drilled 3-1 at home which was fun to watch.
I almost forgot to mention that they have moved to play their home games at Wembley while they are constructing a new White Hart Lane. That place was as dumpy as Qualcomm and O.co Coleseum.
LC Prediction: Knocked out of the Champions League fairly early and competing for a top 4 position
Watford – Watford, Hertfordshire
They finished 17th last year which means they survived by the width of a pubic hair. I went down their roster and Tom Cleverly plays there as does Heurelho Gomes and he is mediocre at best. Apart from that if you are a Moose Hornet fan then I apologise for my lack of in depth analysis. You get what you pay for.
[KH: If you don’t have anything nice to say about the Moose-Hornets, hey is that a feral kitten I see?]
LC Prediction: Relegated
West Brom – West Bromwich, East Midlands
Yo-yo club that I wish someone would just cut the string. Boring team, boring style, boring.
[KH: Oh, WBA is on teevee? /nap commences]
LC Prediction: I don’t have one because I do not care about West Brom at all.
West Ham United – East London
[KH: Didn’t think there was room in London for a more classless, tacky bunch of track-suited “fans” than Chelsea supporters? Time to meet the Hammers!]
Gotta love when a club leaves an old classic stadium and moves to a state of the art facility and everybody bitches. They left Upton Park for the Olympic Stadium which is 3.5 miles closer to the city and everyone complained. I just checked and it would take me 33 minutes by tube to get from Upton Park to the new stadium. West Ham was a neighboUrhood club punching above its weight and now they lost their soul. I don’t even know if everyone is forever blowing bubbles at the new facility. (they are, still not as cool)
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUB0LYIlXsY]
The Hammers brought in some names to keep themselves up in Joe Hart, Zabaleta, Arnautovic, and Javier Hernandez. They still have old horseface Andy Carroll up front who bangs in goals in bunches, he can go fuckhimself with that top knot.
LC Prediction : Under further review they could challenge for a Europa League position.
That is it for this years preview I hope it made you hate more teams than you like as that is the futbol way.
*Spoil Her Alert
Offer to pay for her tampons-and only her tampons-the next time you both go to the pharmacy!
How big is Don ts erection right now?
*Spoiler Alert
Christian McCaffrey is not a Muslim.
White Jesus with a pretty nice run there.
Cause CHRISTian…ah, never mind.
Well, it’s because Meatwad made a good block.
Do you guys get this titans network local crew?
I’ll say it again-
I LOVE LOCAL NFL BROADCASTS!
I don’t get them. But still laugh at the jokes.
*Spoiler Alert
Don’t cook fresh chicken that is twelve days past its expiry date.
And the biscuit gets served up to Kelvin Benjamin!
The passing game consists of “Sit.” “Ready.” “Go!” she tears out across the yard and I then throw the tennis ball in front of her. “We” call it an “interception” when the ball goes in the neighbor’s yard.
*Spoiler Alert
What the bananacake is going on at the very end of “Enemy”?
/did the bunny in Donnie Darko finally find a date?
Opening my windows during the Air and Water Show was definitely a great idea.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCobXpr2g9s
Ooh, it’s Casselvania time!
DELANIEDOWN!
/practicing for the regular season
Mariota has thrown NO INT’s in the red zone so far in his career. That’s…impressive.
As opposed to Laquon Treadwell, who has shown NO INTEREST in the red zone so far in his career.
Silly Mongoose.
Confession: I added a word to your comment to make mine work a little better. Try to guess which one!
Confession: I had to look up Laquon “Who the hell is he?” Treadwell.
I had to look him up too. Second-string target for ridicule was Kevin White.
Panthers linebacker David “Room Temperature” Mayo is Joe Flacco’s new favourite player.
That’s only because he learned he’d been misspelling the name of Jets’ receiver Lucky Whitehead.
[watches Titans march casually down the field]
Man, I feel bad for whoever has to play against them in Week 1.
[checks schedule]
[various profanity]
On the other hand, I’m pretty sure the Raiders aren’t going to fumble on their very first offensive play.
But, are you sure?
We have a place on a lake and my nephew invited some school buddies from ‘the city’ to a day of fishing. They launched from our place and one of them asked my younger son, “What’s the limit? We don’t want to get in trouble”. My son, seeing one guy with his life jacket on backwards and another with an obviously broken fishing rod responds, “Don’t worry about that. Catching the limit is the least of your problems”.
/I had to quickly walk back into the house so that I could laugh
Find me this woman so I may propose to her.
He should try and be more accurate and take a .50 cal. musket ball to the chest.
I’m happy to amputate his leg with no anesthesia and non-sterile equipment.
Is this the spot where a loser can make dumb comments about the upcoming pre-season game? Asking for a loser.
I can help make BOLD predictions based on the play of third stringers in the fourth quarter just trying to make the team about the playoff chances of said team. We can be as one.
Sixty-four if you use Astroglide.
Something gerbil something something Richard Gere.
Pretty and a ‘take no prisoners’ attitude? Where do I sign up?
Greetings from Cannon Beach, Oregon!
Manchester sneaking in the backdoor is something their women are used to. . #wronghole
Whenever I turn on the lesser footy and see my long-time* favorite** Arsenal losing I get really upset until I remember that Stan Kroenke owns the team and then I feel better.
*Two years
**Arbitrarily picked them when Hippo started this lesser footy thing.
Dear people walking past me when I am washing my car…
1) You are not clever when you say something along the lines of “My car is next”. Everyone says this shit.
2) When you point at my parrot and ask me if its a parrot, you are not allowed to be indignant when I say something along the lines of “No…its a ferret with a skin condition” You ask a stupid question, you get a stupid response.
3) To the annoying hippy across the street, I am not polluting when I wash my car. I am not adding any more pollution to the water table compared to the fucking coal yard that surrounds us. You can save those annoying fucking comments to yourself.
https://www.dawgsbynature.com/2017/8/17/16162846/2017-browns-bingo-is-here
Fun fact, Mjolnir actually grows if Thor rubs it.
Roman, 2017 AD
So are all the FF slots filled?
Looks like it. Not sure if makeitsnow is reupping this year; I have yet to hear from him.
You can always start a new one; last year there were at least three DFO leagues around.
Not worth it. I play with myself enough as it is.
Inspired by Moose, I’m going to see if I can teach my dog a simple stop-and-turn route. She’ll enjoy the process either way.
It’s been five minutes, so she’s already better than JAX receivers.
Good thing the cat’s coverage could be described as “complete indifference” because the dog does a terrible job of hiding cues that the ball (treat) is on its way.
Not gonna lie, I would read the hell out of that book.
For 30 seconds and then fall asleep.
http://metro.co.uk/2013/08/31/police-thwarted-by-goat-stuck-on-roof-in-gresham-oregon-3944570/
http://imgur.com/jiqBrmD
GOAT RESPECTS ONLY ONE MAN
OOOOOOOOOOOONE MAN!!
My favorite part of this isn’t the goat. It’s the gigantic “stop for children” sign.
Knowing me, I’d pull up alongside and say something stupid like “Nah, fuck your sign, I’ve been running ’em down this long, no need to stop now”.
Also, LMFAO at “goat with anger issues”.
It’s in the perfect position to block his view so he can accidentally run down a child when backing out of his driveway.
I know one of you lawyerly types is behind this…
So I’ve taught my dog to stay when she gets a treat, and go on the snap of the treat, I’ll hand off in a turning from center motion and she’ll take the hand-off. Next will be the pitch to the outside. Some people say I need a life.
I taught my childhood dog to balance a treat on her nose until I gave the command for her to flip it into her mouth. Once or twice she’d get really excited and launch it backward over her head. She was a good pup.
I’ve done that, but not with a dog treat.
Also, I never got that kind of distance.
This is wonderful and I’m going to smile about this all day.
It’s preseason, so the passing game is still a work in progress.
Time for the dog to learn the Flea Flicker!
The treat is a Greenie; ain’t NO way she’s giving that back.
She did do the stop-n-go route tho.
A famous bikini mosaic from Villa Romana del Casale in Sicily.
Roman, 4th century AD
Photo source: Andreas Wahra
The bikini is not new, people!
Yeah Right; will you do veal at some point?
I am always willing to take requests.
Maybe we wait until she is finished with her birthday party…..
Nah fuck that. You’re supposed to kill the veal at it’s happiest!
One veal braciole coming up!
She’ll be drunk after the party.
Like a veal smoothie?
You better believe I’m doing veal braciole next season on Sunday Gravy.
Ravens’ future starting middle linebacker.
It’s great because the goat gets him right in his center of mass to ensure he goes down.
Also; opposite foot to power shoulder!
Sorry, *cloven hoof.
GOAT
THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!!!
I guess it was hoping for too much that he would be bald.
Take 2.
Hairy, dirty, and unkempt. No wonder that guy is warning people.
I was up until like midnight dealing with this motor problem over the phone with our field guy and the customer’s people. At around 2am, someone calls and wakes me up from that site. The person asks me what my degree is in…
“What? um…its mechanical. But before college, I was a steam plant mechanic for six years. Is there a problem? I thought we had everything sorted out”
“Yeah everything is fine with the motor. I just want to know…9-11. Was that an inside job?”
“Was 9-11 an inside job? You called me in the middle of the fucking night to ask me if 9-11 was an inside job?!? Yes…of course it was. But since I told you this, I now will have to report you to the authorities”
“WHAT?!? DON’T DO THAT!”
“Sir…you are on a cell phone. The NSA will be analyzing this conversation and tracking us down within a week. I am hanging up now”
There is a gas turbine mechanic in Texas now that thinks the NSA is going to track him down. I’m kind of a prick when I am tired.
That’s the least he deserved. What a piece of shit, even for a Texan.
I honestly think he thought I worked 3rd shift like he did. A lot of people do that.
I also find that people, especially when I fix their problems, will open up to me about crazy shit.
I was driving to a job-site with a coworker I barely knew; he’s going on about this fantastic three-way al la PH letters. JFC.
Stoke-On-Trent’s most famous resident, (unless he moved after getting that championship), is 2017 World’s Strongest Man Eddie Hall
http://d1m4d2e972o4sj.cloudfront.net/photo/592ae84768ebe.jpeg?width=1400
I heard The Mountain got robbed this year in that competition.
“So how’s this ‘Request Line’ shit work, anyways? Cause I got something I wanna hear.”
– Sean Smith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC-9aEf0Q-A
Assuming Don T accepts his invitation there will be 2 openings in the DFO Gratuitous Simpsons References FF league, as OSZ made me commissioner and last night I got drunk with power, (and beer), and expanded to 12.
First two people who say they want in and give me an email address to send an invite to get in.
Prizes? Continuing OSZ’s tradition the winner can receive a bounty of prizes with a total value of as much as $30!
I’m in. Use my gmail address please.
Does that mean you want in?
I’m more than usually dense this morning what with the hangover from beer and bad poker beats.
AA is supposed to be a good hand!
(Kind of a shitty social club though)
Sorry, no. Not an FF person. Just hope a manatee outscores Hippo.
Send it to me over the backchannel. I’ll get you in.
Yeah fuck it. Sign me up. I’ll slackify you my email address.
Hello DFO, it’s been way too long. I apologize, new job and both boys playing the football. I miss you dipshits, and I hope to be able to get back to making dick jokes.
My kids made me watch Adam Sandler’s Necessary Roughness remake, and afterwards I shot up a liquor store. That’s how upset that movie made me.
Hope you motherfuckers are all doing well.
I am half drunk on a plane! Glad to hear you are well.
You must have liked it a little; didn’t burn the store down.
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ FOZZ?
Oh. I see you already answered that. Glad to have you back, buddy.
OH MY GOD MACKENZIE PHILLIPS IS GONNA SWIM!!!!!!
I turned on the TV and ESPN2 is showing ‘Battle of the Network Stars’ and Ted McGinley just popped his Achilles during the first event and it seems like everything is right with the world.
Dunno what’s going on today, but there are NO secondary match channels. No USA, CNBC, nor even the “Extra Time” channels usually on my cable lineup. Well, fuck you NBC, I’m not watching the Redshite batter Palace at home.
And if Hippo can’t see Everton’s 10 am matches this season…
That header image is so wonderful I want to make it into my Christmas card.
/oh, wait, I forgot Soros is paying me to wage war on Christmas – I want to make it into my HOLIDAY card.
It was a thing Paddy Power the gambling site ran a few years back. So funny.
RTD: [jots down business idea for “family gambling” website]
I’m still mostly comatose, and have a life-threatening lack of EtOH in my bloodstream.
But hello anyway fuckers….errrrr I mean people I love.
Gday. At the airport drinking at 7 am because Litre has a weekend away from the fam with a 40th bday party and a wedding in Vancouver! Huzzah!
I forgot that West Ham brought in Joe Hart. He is ass-flavoured shit. Will especially enjoy hate-watching their fixtures this season, perhaps they even go down.
I thought he was still in Italy somewhere. My “research” told me different
I was browsing instantwatcher and saw a movie called Jay Cutler: A Cut Above and nearly leapt out of my chair in joy before I saw that the full title was Jay Cutler: A Cut Above – Bodybuilding and that it’s about a former Mr. Olympia.
Do we have any filmmaking students/grads? Because we needs to make that muthafucka, post haste.