Your “If Monday Had A Face, I’d Punch It” Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL News:

  • Getting an early start to missing part of the season, Vontaze Burfict is facing a suspension for an illegal hit back in the Bengals second pre-season game versus the Chiefs.
    • If it happens, his repeat offender status will result in it being five games, and cost Burfict $882,353 in lost base-salary.
      • Pacman Jones is already out for the season opener with a suspension of his own.
    • The Bengals have already indicated they will appeal.
    • Judge for yourself:

  • Someone convert Marc Trestman’s windowless van into an actual Rape Van: Art Briles is coming to Hamilton!
    • He will become the Assistant Head Coach of Offence (no offense). Their write-up lists all his impressive coaching accomplishments in the NCAA.
      • No mention, though, of why just an honoured coach is available at this date…
    • And just in time for tonight’s Ti-cats “Huddles & Heels” football clinic & dinner for female fans!
  • Brock Ostweiler is officially on the market: DeShone Kizer has been named the Browns starter for Week-1.
    • The Browns start versus the Steelers & Ravens, so if the kid doesn’t work out right away, they can throw Brock in…unless they cut him after the last pre-season game.
  • Due to Hurricane Harvey, the Texans are practicing in Dallas ahead of their final preseason game versus the Cowboys.
    • If the weather remains a factor, the game may be moved to Dallas.
  • Even though cut-down day is officially Saturday, starting today teams are allowed to begin reducing rosters of players they intend not to play this Thursday.
    • The rule changes allow team to keep up to 90 players until preseason Game-4.
    • Teams used to have to go from 90 to 75, and then 75 to 53. On Saturday, it’ll be a straight bloodletting from 90 to 53.

Finally, your reminder that Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension appeal is tomorrow. The current rumours are that Jerry Jones is still beyond pissed that any time is being handed out, especially considering that no charges were followed through upon. Meanwhile, I’m sure ol’ Rog has the one ring and palantir shined up good & ready for such an occasion.

  

Tools of the administrative trade these days.


Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Cleveland at Yankees – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
    • Red Sox at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • U.S. Open Tennis:
    • First-round play – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Well, it’s time to go sell beer,

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

“It all comes down to cocks, doesn’t it?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Got to get up early and climb the corporate ladder.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I just needed to share this again.

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ALXMAC
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ALXMAC

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Braaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnssssssssss

blaxabbath
Member

brick osweiler: more rings than megatron

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I bet that was his nickname when he played basketball.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
Member

Emma Stone and Steve Carrell in the movie of the Battle of the Sexes tennis match?

ALXMAC
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ALXMAC

Will watch for Emma Stone; might finish b/c Emma Stone

Senor Weaselo
Member

Dammit rookies in sports, STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD!

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

I watched a HS FB game on ESPiN Saturday morning; a DB intercepted a fake punt and I thought ‘that name looks familiar’ so I decided to look him up – His father graduated 1 year ahead of me and was the best athlete at our school. I hadn’t heard or thought of his name in 20 years.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola
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Evening internet people, how are we doing?

Senor Weaselo
Member

Not dead?

litre_cola
Member

That is a plus although I almost committed seppuku today at my 1st day back at work but it is almost football season so I am still with you folk.

blaxabbath
Member

I wrote and scheduled a Speakeasy Story.

What have you done!?

litre_cola
Member

Played baseball. Drank a few beer. Smoked a few bowls. Now typing this message.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I BOUGHT A KICKASS USED McDOWELL & CRAIG INDUSTRIAL STEEL WORKTABLE FOR $45 AND I’M SO HAPPY I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

What do we think Matthew Stafford’s favorite food is?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Yes

blaxabbath
Member

Food.

yeah right
Member

Grits.
With gravy.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

blaxabbath
Member

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Steak time!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

O’s climb back above .500. Never thought I’d see that again this year.
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Senor Weaselo
Member

I’m… kinda neutral about it since it was against Seattle. But stupid fuckin’ Blue Jays…

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’m beginning to think this isn’t a REAL advertisement for celery.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Or toothbrushes. I hope.

blaxabbath
Member

I like so much about the Orioles. I like their colors. I like that they’re from Baltimore. I like their original team name. I like their goofy bird logo.

I don’t know nothing about them but I like the O’s.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

They suck. Don’t get attached.
I made that mistake and now I’m screwed year in and year out.

blaxabbath
Member

I don’t root for them (though, being in the East with the hated Yankees and Nazi Sox garners them at least a Dolphins-level of neutrality), I just like them.

Don T
Member

The Lions just made Stafford the league’s best paid player for 2017, and the highest refunder of pro-rated signing bonus in 2019.

herodotus450
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herodotus450

smh if rick perry was still the governor he would already be sueing this hurricane out of existence.

JustStopDude
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JustStopDude

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Who the fuck shits on tuna?

LemonJello
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LemonJello

“Keep talking…”
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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Hot Teak ALERT!

No disrespect to everyone that lost loved or are dealing with the devastation of the hurricane. Its utterly horrifying what folks are going through.

But for the love of God could the National Weather Service give better names to these storms? Harvey? You don’t run from a Harvey.

You would get more people to abanddoned their homes if they would use a name to inspire fear in the local community.

Like “Hurricane ISIS” or “Hurricane Obama”…”Hurricane Common Core”….I mean it doesn’t take that much work to know your audience.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

“Hurricane Get the Fuck Out of Town or You Won’t Get an Insurance Payout” has a nice ring to it
/Oh all the damage was due to flooding but you only have ‘cane insurance? No check.
//Not sure if hurricane insurance even exists
///Only have volcano insurance

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

That only covers ash. Lava? Fuck you.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

But I do have the Magma rider

Senor Weaselo
Member

“Key word, magma. Once it’s above ground, it’s lava and therefore not covered!”

Senor Weaselo
Member

Can’t believe I didn’t post this.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Magma rider sounds dirty.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

You’re thinking of the Man Gum Rider. I have one of those too. Well I did, until I lost it… and it wasn’t insured.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Better than the smegma rider.

blaxabbath
Member

Hurricane Government Rescue

Redshirt
Member

Its based off of names. Its better than Hurricane Eight. Hurricane H, or Hurricane Theta.

I would call it Hurricane In-Law, because once it shows up, it never leaves and it leaves the place ruined.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Remember that year when they ran out of names and then actually had to go to Greek letters?
https://xkcd.com/1126/

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

How about Nazi war criminals? Hurricane Heydrich, for example.

Wakezilla
Member

“Hurricane Hilter is about to touch ground in Houston! “

yeah right
Member

hurricane irritable bowel syndrome.

Wakezilla
Member

God damn, Washington. What normally takes me 5 and a half hours to get home, took just over 10 hours because there were so many car accidents. It’s like a state of Paul Walkers

JustStopDude
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JustStopDude

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Pardon me, Sir? You’ve got a little something on your face.
No, the other side.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I’m not sure why he got that fresh tattoo. I mean was he regularly getting unsolicited job offers? And if he was…what where they? Early childhood development therapist? Circuit court judge? Limited Line Duty Officer for the US Coast Guard?

So many questions!

Shogun Marcus
Member

But none that need answers.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Maybe he’s getting it filled in to cover up something else, like “Fuck Job,” he really hated that character.
/Bible or AD? You decide.

Wakezilla
Member

He’ll be the next manager at an Arby’s in Houston after Harvey finishes

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is that the former CEO of Uber?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt
Member

Okay, I’ve seen all the clips of Batman and Harley Quinn. So for intents and purposes, I’ve seen the movie.

If you’re expecting a serious Batman movie, skip this one.

Its a silly movie Maybe a bit sophomorish, but some jokes were good. Nightwing did great as a comic foil and Batman did great as the Comically Serious.

If you’re expecting the usual Harley Quinn voice (like Arleen Sorkin, Tara Strong or Hynden Walch), you’re not going to get it. Melissa Rauch voiced Quinn and her voice was different. If you can get the whole, “That’s not the Harley Quinn voice I grew up with” out of your mind, its okay. Maybe a bit too Brooklyn, Jersey or wherever Rauch was doing.

If you want to watch it, just remember: Its not a Batman movie. Its a Harley Quinn movie.

Gratliff
Member

But is it as good as Harley-Green Arrow from the Injustice comics?

http://i.imgur.com/eHSyC1X.png

Redshirt
Member

No. Nothing short of a Harley Quinn-Deadpool crossover can beat that.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Oh god, think of the fucking about!

Gratliff
Member

Fucking imgur swear to god

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Admittedly, not every Harley is created equal.
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Wakezilla
Member

A new anime movie?

Senor Weaselo
Member

Goddamn, Jose Ramirez is good at the baseballs.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Just finished the draft for my keeper league. Feeling good about it, so I look forward to finishing 7th

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Did Yahoo give you an A? That’s always been the kiss of death for me.

litre_cola
Member

Got a D plus last night! Due to the stupid keeper rules I didnt draft a kicker or defense. Will pick one up after someone blows their ACL or gets arrested in the next 10 days.

Senor Weaselo
Member

What about both?

King Hippo
Member

Today I drove my kid’s car to work, as I planned to have it get the once over at the Honda place on way home (leave overnight since no parking pass until Wed).

For my good deed, I blew a tire (completely shredded) on the freeway, with my fucking cell phone still in the shop awaiting it’s snowflake magical part. I got to walk a couple miles to my kids’ orthodontist so I could call my mom (on her 68th birthday) so I could call and go back to wait for AAA for the tow.

And the week is only just starting!

Shogun Marcus
Member

See below. I think I’ve got a great taste sensation FOAR teh Hippo!

King Hippo
Member

Tastes great, less filling? Hey it sounds organic and sustainable, this new jerky plan!!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Was gonna say you shoulda called me, then read the part about the phone.
Get ridda ‘dat blueberry already.

King Hippo
Member

if the motherfuckers hadn’t TOLD ME it was gonna be “a day or two” then I just would have bought an unlocked AT&T Blackberry off e-bay or Amazon. Now, I feel pot committed to this lunacy.

As long as I can get the Blackberry Classic connected to AT&T and my work e-mail, it will be what I have. FUCK THE WORLD and its inferior popular culture phones!@@

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

BlackBerry?

1996 called, it wants its phone back.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

King Hippo
Member

Hard text keyboard, loads my sportsball interwebs sites. Check and check. Fuck do I need with the rest of the shit, along with it being a cheap Chinese piece of shit (no ofence) that breaks if ya look at it funny?

Mine is in the shop because of another kid’s car, that resulted in water in the charge port (long story)

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

You do know where BlackBerry phones were made, right?

Do they still make them, btw?

🤣😂🤣😂

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Seems like most assume they are from CHina, but then I found this
https://www.techinasia.com/blackberry-not-made-in-china-mexico-rim
THen again, maybe that’s why RIM went out of business….

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Something something RIM Job something something

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

To be fair, Mexicans ARE pretty good at RIM jobs!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Something I hope to find out sooner than later.
She’s moving to the states I just found out.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

interesting…

Where?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Tejas, where rest of family is. About 25 miles north of Laredo.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

If I’m not mistaken, that’s close to Romonobyl country.

If she’s not a city girl, and I think she’s not, she will probably like it there.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

She is most certainly not. Hates Mexico City and is all giddy to be getting out.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

That being said, I still think she might be insane. Meh, what do I care at this point? It’s all about degrees now. Plus…dat ass.

Redshirt
Member

I just replied to keep the small reply thread going…

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

BENGAZI? BENGAZI.

Redshirt
Member

Bengazi was forged by the Illuminati to prevent us from learning the truth!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

HECHO EN MÉXICO!!!

King Hippo
Member

See, I support my beloved NAFTA brethren!!

/and yes, they still make them, A&T just makes it hard to get from their store directly because they want to sell you a higher priced piece of shit that breaks on the regular so you can “upgrade”

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Says the guy whose phone got all borked and is in the shop.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Like ¡Sponch!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Seriously, call me next time. Don’t bother your poor mother.
She’s got important things to do and I’m just sitting around with my dick in my hand.

No wait, she’s also got my…. [technical difficulties]

(seriously dude…call me next time)

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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Wakezilla
Member

I’d come up with a joke about this but I’m sure it would fall flat

Redshirt
Member

Kevin Conroy and Loren Lester did a DC Movie as Batman and Nightwing?!

Lord, I’m sorry. I love my country. Bring on the movie!

Redshirt
Member

All the Burfict jokes have a inherit flaw. Taze isn’t in Midseason Form. He didn’t hit one of the Steelers Offense Trifecta of Doom in a Late Season Game or in a Playoff Game that will allow me to move on with my life.

He hit a Chief. He hit a Fullback. He did it in a Preseason Game. Does that look like Midseason Form?

blaxabbath
Member

The dude killed a cheerleader.

scotchnaut
Member

“No Fucking Way. There are rules now!”

-Walter

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Only one? Got some fukken catchin’ up to do, junior.”

-C. James

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

My biggest issue with him is that he hasn’t done anything to any Patriots. What the shit, man?

Kimo should have Kimoed Brady

blaxabbath
Member

Fuck the Jets.

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Redshirt
Member

You can blame Pacman for that. Bengals would’ve played the Patriots if they won and Burfict might’ve been playing on appeal.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Hey, you gotta practice those hits!

scotchnaut
Member

Jerry Shogun got me an idea-is there a song that someone drilled into your head through some circumstance beyond your control? Mine is related to a holiday as a kid. Mom and Dad had just separated and Tammy Wynette’s greatest hits were featured on an 8 track…

Senor Weaselo
Member

I prefer the Aretha version. “D-I-V-O-R-C-E, find out what it means to me. D-I-V-O-R-C-E… gonna take half your money.”

scotchnaut
Member

She had a great lawyer/songwriter.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Getting an early start to missing part of the season, Vontaze Burfict is facing a suspension for an illegal hit back in the Bengals second pre-season game versus the Chiefs.

Or for Vontaze Burfict, “Monday.”

scotchnaut
Member

Shogun Marcus
Member

This song makes me homicidal. Most likely because it was one of the first songs Mama Shogun played repeatedly once she got her hearing back.
/all mamas and papas actually
//don’t even get me started on liberty valence or secret Asian man.
///yeah I know what I said. No I ain’t changing it.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

No Gary Puckett and the Union Gap?
I’m totes disappoint.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Don’t think so, but I can’t rule it out. So much scarring, so little room.

Redshirt
Member

I’ve been offline for a few days, has the Trumpublicans past the Enabling Act yet or are they waiting for the next natural disaster to distract the nation like a blizzard or the Patriots winning another Super Bowl?

Shogun Marcus
Member

Speaking of…where the hell IS MTWV?
/he’s killed all the family and is selling them as jerky isn’t he.
//seems reasonable.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Either that, or he went on a rampage and killed, buried and paved over all those construction workers before setting all their equipment on fire.

/he just wanted a little peace and quiet, is that too much to ask?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

All The Dude ever wanted was his rug back. It really tied the room together.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Ooh…drug-riddled, grizzled construction jerky! Tough but mellow.
/hey Hippo…I see sponsorship opportunities!

Senor Weaselo
Member

Hey, don’t knock human jerky before you try it! Not that I’ve… tried it… STOP LOOKING AT ME!

litre_cola
Member

As long as it has spice you are in eh Weaselo?

WCS
Member

Local Yinzer sports yakk station had a running game all show: name all 26 starting QBs for the Browns since they returned. I got the very last missing name, and was genuinely shocked it hadn’t already been mentioned:

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

They jumped off that bridge after the photo was taken, right?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

And fail to hit the water.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Into a dumpster. Then spontaneously combusted.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Senor Weaselo
Member

Plot twist: It was you, and the trauma of it blocked it out of your head. Playing for the Browns. Not head trauma.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I’d opt for the head trauma.

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