I love college football coaches. In all of sports, I feel like only the college football coach just never fucking stops thinking about winning. Like, these guys don’t have jobs because their dad was someone great or strong ownership allows them to just be a dickless figurehead. They’re like corporate CEOs — if those CEOs actually hated each other and the guy who runs Wendy’s was like, “Fuck all of you. I want the top fast food company in America (and, therefore, the world) and I’m never fucking tired of selling tons of chili while you call it a gimmick and jerk off McDonalds and Burger King.” Instead of just being a bunch of 1% elitists. And that’s another thing — these guys make some serious dough. The guys on their staffs all make pretty good money, considering their entire work experience was playing and, early on, washing out of pro football and then being a coach making like $4 and hour in bumfuck Florida.

These are the only dudes on the field getting a check from that institution. They’re the big dog in a tiny pond with absolute near-authoritarian control. Most of them, frankly, even play to racists southern ideology because a running back who thinks he is a slave will be most coachable. I mean, the players don’t hate each other. Most of the good ones have seen other for years already (especially in basketball). The schools, like NFL owners, don’t hate each other and are more concerned with colluding to pad their pockets rather than look out for the best interests of an alumni population who each paid a hundred grand for a piece of paper and the right to donate MORE money every year. But the coaches are the real competitors out there. And I think of this because I just watched the blind USC long snapper play a down and like everyone was cheering for him at the end of a blowout game and the announcers were being all sappy. Then they show the bench and the players are all running out to pat the blind kid on the back while Helton is just staring up at the scoreboard and grimacing like, “We’re up 42-19 on a Western Michigan team that has folded with 54 seconds left. At home. Can we hurry up with this fucking spectacle with the retarded kid that wasn’t good enough for half-time and get back to the game? This is too much time for them to come back!” Basically, they’re the walking breathing iteration of PFTC’s allegiance to hustle.

Don’t me wrong, I don’t want to deal with these assholes in my daily life but at least they live up to the narrative.