I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
Considering how bad Peyton Manning’s regular commercials are, I’m sure I’m going to throw my TV out the window when his inevitable political ads being airing.
Oh god I hope he runs for a political office. That would be hilarious.
First of all, he would have to deal with a media not sucking his dick for access. Can you imagine him trying to deal with a journalist that doesn’t give a shit he threw footballs in the past?
On top of that, people would actually look critically into his background. Fucker has deep skeletons in that closet of his.
So does Trump.
Trump has no shame.
Pey-pey does.
Since when?
“Hey could you guys make sure that Collinsworth has red, blue, and silver rings around his mouth so we can get better aim when we’re shooting our thick loads down his fucking throat?”
-Thanks, Patriots front office
NO NO NO GET THAT FUCKING FIVEHEAD OFF MY TELEVISION
Fuck, a-no-ther Pey-ton ad…
Why-won’t-he-just stay off-screen?
You want me to watch Will & Grace? Then have the skinny redhead and the one with the jugs go full out lesbo
Sounds interesting….do go on.
I think that has to be the single most blatant “face mask/attempted 2nd degree murder” I have seen in the last 20 years of watching football.
At most 35 years
Collinsworth looks like a photoshopped image where someone accidentally made it a little too narrow in relation to the height.
Somebody forgot to hold the shift key while they were adjusting the size.
So in NoVA there is a local chain called “Santinis” it’s a decent New York Style Deli my biggest issue is the fact that their best sandwich is an awesome turkey and roast beef with provolone is named a “Jersey Boy”
So to order it I have to call them up and say “Hey I’d like to order a long Hot Jersey Boy to go”
Tell me more…
http://i.lv3.hbo.com/assets/images/series/the-sopranos/character/vito-spatafore-1024.jpg
Buddy Cole’s intrigued..
I mean who hasn’t done that? Oh my Clifford from Newark was my first!
a small, quiet whooo to avoid shoes thrown at head
Jokes on you buddy, I’m not wearing shoes! OR pants!
At a bar with buddies would rather be at home with internetters. Is that wrong?
Naw, we’re lovely, plus you can ignore us if you’re feeling anti-social and we won’t be offended.
I have no friends, so far be it from me to judge.
Ook-ook?
Well, sure, I have imaginary ones…
Think of my house as a place where one of your friends is where the game is on and you can’t drink, but I can.
Tune into NBC…”NBC…we got nothing”
CBS: “Eh? Speak up there, sonny!”
“Sure, I’ll greenlight it.”
/burps
//throws up
///uses cash to wipe up the mess
-Netflix
Everyone who isn’t watching The Good Place should immediately watch it. It’s hilarious.
That’s my next binge experience.
My last one was Ozark. I’m expecting to not hate myself quite so much after The Good Place. That said, Ozark was fucking fantastic.
How was Ozark?
I hate the entire concept of Lego movies and anyone who disagrees with me is fucking Stalin, which is gross cause he’s been dead for years.
I have a boy that would don a suicide vest if he heard such mutterings
So he thinks zombie Stalin is a hot piece of ass….got it.
Curse you, Antifa!
What do you have against two-hour toy commercials?
Okay but hear me out: The first LEGO movie should have won an Oscar.
That’s clearly jaundiced Lenin.
Oh ho! So you actually believe Stalin and Lenin were different people and not just the same lizard-morph who found it necessary to change human-suits?
He will rise again to slay the capitalists.
Zymm, you silly.
I used to fuck a Rickles type in the mid-80s and he’d let me spunk all over his head, my little Whore-bachev!
I am eating so much ham right now I’m about to throw a flag challenging my wife’s obviously correct assertion that I am drunk while I simultaneously call a time-out that I will desperately need later for no obvious benefit now.
I didn’t know you’re actually Andy Reid.
…Andy? If that’s you challenge a blatantly obvious call later in this half
Quit posting and coach the Chiefs, asshole.
Andy? You OK?
I just saw you on TV, btw.
“Bingo!”
-A. Reid
Gentlemen.
Where?
(Chiefs D allows drive to the Red Zone)
“The Chiefs got them right where they want them!”
That should’ve been picked off
Do offsetting penalties not show up in the total? That’s….misleading at least
It’s like when two people who have herpes fuck, it’s all redundant.
Thankfully, I was sipping my beer when I read this.
Was that the first mention of Chris Hogan as a “former lacrosse star”?
I’ve got a bingo chart here I need to fill.
“former lacrosse “”””””””””””””star”””””””””””””””
did you know jimmy graham played college basketball
What?
Get the fuck outta here!
A white ex-lacrosse playing Patriots receiver? It’s like if Southie vomited into a jersey.
Of course the fucking Pats would draft some dipshit Laxbro.
I think Buffalo drafted him
/pedant
Oh shit, you’re right. But…Whatever.
Oh, that’s right. The Chiefs have to stop them.
If not the heart and soul; Julian Edelman is at the very least the treasurer of the team.
HOWZIT MOTHERFUCKERS!?!?
Sorry I’m late; a friend had to go to the ER for x-rays because we’re old so we all got together and consoled each other with beer.
I regret nothing.
“Without a base, without a trace”
Yup. Two instances is TOTALLY a large enough data set to draw conclusions.
I’m glad the Chiefs got a TD. I’m sad that the only TD celebration that’s allowed nowadays is apparently doing walking lunges while pretending you’re kind of chilly.
That’s what Cosby’s defense lawyer said he was doing.
Don’t forget “acting like you’re playing a different sport”
I’m drinking something called “The Lizard of Koz.”
So far the Chiefs have really utilized Kelce well by…putting him in at QB for a wildcat play.
Chefs DID do a good!
Alex Smith the only human being who would look better if he got cauliflower ear
They mentioned Kaepernick! And in a football capacity! Drink!
I was supposed to wait for that?
My apologies. Drink…MORE!
Alec Smith looks like a goddamn elf.
Looks like he wanted to deliver a little sky hook of his own there. FEISTY
Yes! First Happy Gilmore’s Caddy sighting of the season.
Well, everyone knows how well the Belichick coaching tree has done outside of New England.
Charlie weis is a God
Yeah, like Bacchus or Buddha.
Oh, darn it. I was hoping for a 79-yard HB off tackle by Alex Smith.
Well defensed….even though they got the first down….Fair and Balanced!
Like Fox News
How incredibly inventive/pointless
Andy Reid, Cliffs Notes version.
The saddest thing about Eric Berry being afraid of horses was getting 5 inches of his penis cut off.
Aw, I missed me some family-inappropriate Buddy!
…Isn’t that Scott Tenorman?
Need to get something going? They’ve run one fuckin play, Cris.
Do you think Eric Berry has an alter ego that has conversations with called “Other Eric Berry”?
Pick Six Time BAY-BAY
Holy fuck that is disturbing. How have I never seen this before?
I’m gonna grill some hot Italians.
If you do anything to Monica Bellucci, I’ll fucking cut your kidneys out.
“I’m gonna grill some Italians.”
– Hanibal of Carthage
What’s great is that it’s a versatile, evergreen quote.
Indeed!
All right, Chiefs – give it to KHUNT again!
That’s…that’s a really unfortunate first letter-last name combo,
I still love Eric Berry, not for the overcoming cancer thing, though that’s awesome, but cause of the overcoming fear of horses thing, cause d’aww
Urric Burry! Yeeeeeeeee Haw!