Monday Night Feast! Colts @ Titans Open Thread

Both teams are 2-3, and fill the bottom half of the lowest wattage division in the NFL. Luck is out. Mariota (hamstring – questionable) says he’ll go–i.e., Cassel is definitely in the mix. But enough table-setting. This is my  position on “Pfft, baseball’s on” taeks:

Artist’s lesss handome conception

via lolafilms.com

IND-TEN is a rivalry. To be precise, “rivalry” in the Steelers-Browns or thirst-judgment sense: the Clots own the Titans. The streak stands at 11-0, and was started by CURTIS PAINTER. Indy has won in every way: blowout; Titans derp it at the end; clutch play by top QB on a bad day… Plus a handful of the worst kind of loss: the Moral Victory, when Result pinches Effort’s cheek and says “Nothing personal, kid”. To paraphrase Sigmund Freud: it’s been Suck City.

Matching wits on the field are Mike Mularkey and Chuck Pagano. Pagano, well… The turd-in-punchbowl blunders are known–but going 2-3 with Jacoby Brissett and that roster is respectable. Hell, I even like Chuck. Pagano strikes me as humble, but so sure of himself that he DGAF about what anyone thinks–except, maybe, his players. As far as I know, he was loved in Baltimore. Colt players stumped for him and Chuck P kept the job; the GM got fired. But before all that, at the height of hot-seat skullduggery in 2015, Pagano calmly stated, at a press conference, “They can’t eat you“. Best. Perspective Non-Sequitur. Ever.

Mularkey… Barf. After pasting JAX, the Titans beat the Seawhawks on Week 3. But this wave of met expectations crashed immediately with the Texans drubbing (56!). Then, Mularkey became a vocal ANTHM RSPKTRRR, and punted awfully on The Kaep Situation in the runup to Week 5. Granted, coaches don’t sign players–but having Matt Freakin’ Cassel pass 32 times, in last week’s low-scorer in Miami, is damn pigheaded. And hey! Did Derrick Henry accidentally sneeze on coach’s soup? Four rushes at MIA? The hell’s wrong with you! Dude’s young and hungry. FEED HIM!!11!!

I did find something palatable. Coupla days ago, during the Chuck Pagano press telephone conference, Mularkey walked in and asked what were the Colts’ top 15 offensive plays:

If Mariota would play, was Chuck’s riposte. (If you think I mangled a juicy reveal, go gorge on the buildup at  titansonline.com. I dare ya.)

Whatever. To me, it’s refreshing to see coaches shoot the collegial shit (however lamely), and eschew the  hypercompetitive, regimented stuff, as well as the “being focused” stiffness and the commitment to canned bullshit–all of which has been thick even back when Rex Ryan was putting on wigs. It’s ridiculous. The stakes are GAMES. Of a risky and fantastic sport, of course. With fascinating strategy. Goes without saying. And the speedy and huge mofos going at each other and the physical play and–oh…

/ fans self with Hello Kitty bookmark

Sorry. It’s been a while. But the fasting ends TONIGHT.

[martial drums playing]

I will watch this game. The Titans haven’t been on MNF since… LenWhale? That’s what my gut says–don’t @ at me!

Heaven and earth, I am prepared to move. (Family too.) Pangs of guilt, for seeking diversion in these somber times, will not deter me.

If a place with electricity has baseball on, surely one TV could be accommodated for The Game. I will not vacillate. Solidarity has been strong here in PR, and emboldens me to face even the spectre of utter hopelessness:

[drumming stops]

Brandon Weeden with a helmet.

In short, hunger makes the feast, not the eats. Sorry, but I can’t help being kinda pumped for this one. Besides, you twisted fuckos [hat tip] are better suited to skewer the massive blech we’re about to see. And as much as I want TEN to win, for fantasy purposes, I’d take an Astros rainout and 0-11-1.

The food on the banner was delivered to my home in Aibonito (plus 24 water bottles) last Thursday. (The “MEAL” packets are vegetable lasagnas.) We’ll honor this generosity by passing everything to needier compatriotas. [Update: Maybe not the mayo packet.  I’M NOT MADE OF STONE!]

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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clint greasewood

Gruden’s Grinder

Viva La Tabula Raza

That Brisket is done.

Unsurprised

Blech. That sounds gross.

SonOfSpam

Haven’t seen a Turbin fucked up like that since that Sikh went to a Trump rally.

WCS

I was going to say “since that shooting in Wisconsin,” but, this is better.

King Hippo

hey, I laughed both times

Unsurprised

I expected Brick to make an engine or plane joke.

Sharkbait

Not a catch.

Unsurprised

Aw, you’ll find somebody

LemonJello

AAAAAnnnndd, there’s our required “Is it a catch?” of the game.

Brocky

Refs know that if hodor is going to make the playoffs, they’re going to have to make these crunch time games count

Unsurprised

Reverse warging?

Brocky

I don’t know who that was, but i want a picture of that bald titans coach staring down lebeau

Horatio Cornblower

Keith Hernandez, David Ortiz and Alex Rodriguez are signing baseballs in the studio while waiting for the Yankee game to end.

Might as well have Massengill sign it while they’re at it.

LemonJello

Summer’s Eve is a Fox Sports sponsor?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Or as those in the know call it, “Twinkle Twat.”

LemonJello

I thought it was “Cooter Cleanse”?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe it varies with geographic region.

King Hippo

Looks like DonT gets to see a win after all

Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

I didn’t realize Eva Braun was a squirter.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Man. Maybe it was because of something I saw earlier about her, but I initially read “Eva Braun” as “Anne Frank,” and was momentarily horrified. Thank goodness I re-read it.

Romonobyl

“Anne Frank was my favorite adult fiction author!”

/Riley Cooper

LemonJello

Anne’s Frank sounds like something in Buddy’s DVD collection…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How do we know Anne Frank wasn’t a squirter; maybe that’s why she got caught.

Brocky

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LemonJello

“Watch the hands there JPP”

Gratliff

“dontgetharddontgetharddontgetharddontgethard”

Unsurprised

/ZIPPER FLIES OPEN

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, how’d the WWE find out how I wanted to die?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I care not about the outcome of this game, as I don’t do FF and have no interest vested or otherwise in either team. However, I’ve decided I want to see the Colts (whom as a Pats fan I used to hate) to win, just to piss off the home crowd there in Kentucky or wherever the fuck they are.

Romonobyl

How did we let a P*ts fan get past the wall?!?!?!?

Sharkbait

One of us! One of us! One of us!

The Maestro

Welcome, friend. I am your new God now.

King Hippo

TWO new ones this October!

herodotus450

Better get to making some human sized fruit fly traps; instead of vinegar, Twisted Tea?

LemonJello

Copenhagen dip and Mickeys Big Mouths?

King Hippo

oh FACK!!

King Hippo

Irresistible, nobody denies this!!

The Maestro

PUT SOME CHOWDAH IN IT!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nice try! But I’m allergic to seafood, including clams and their chowdah.

Sharkbait

Irish Colgate:

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Senor Weaselo

Hey, he’s a doctor so you have to trust him! It’s just like how if you’re a cop you have to say so!

Unsurprised

Technically, I’m a doctor as well. To wit, yes, have some.

Shogun Marcus

Thanks obama. Build the wall maga.

LemonJello

“No idea.”
/Points at wide open gate. Shrugs
//steals another of Make It Snow’s beers from the fridge

Viva La Tabula Raza

I was in the military back in the 80’s. so I’m a high-speed low-drag stealthy mothahfuckah! (Though I did confess to my fandom when I was going through the screening process for admission to the commentariat; blame that guy).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hummmm I’m a low speed, high drag, unhealthy muthafucka.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He was inside a Trojan Colt.

Mr. Ayo

WTF was that graphic?

Sharkbait

Close to copyright infringement is what it was.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Clearly a mentally deranged lunatic

Brick Meathook

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LemonJello

His next oil check is gonna find him a couple quarts low…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Wonder if that supermarket (ok, “supermarket”) had saffron…

Shogun Marcus

I did often wonder why they never went for the spices. Hello it only helped create civilization.

Unsurprised

Whitey don’t spice.

herodotus450

Always with the turkeys too, always the turkeys. I if anything beats spices in the cost/volume sense. Beef jerkey? Some kinda pills?

Shogun Marcus

And turkey has the worst cost/space ratio. Beef! Lamb! I swear some of those contestants nevar went fud shopping.

herodotus450

And it’s like they never even SAW the lobster tank

Shogun Marcus

Saffron, vanilla beans, jerky, diapers and formula. You’ve already beat the hussy with all the hams without breaking a sweat.

Senor Weaselo

It’s coming back!

Unsurprised

There was a Married With Children episode where they played supermarket sweep that was pretty funny

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Autofellatio?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AH, the P*TS fans have a similar joke. This means nothing, but I’d still like to make some insulting over-generalization.

Nah.

The Maestro

Marilyn Manson would love to get reincarnated as this tuba, I’ll bet.

Shogun Marcus

I thought that was the kid from wonder years. Or cher maybe?

Sharkbait

This game good?

LemonJello

Best one tonight.

Romonobyl

I smell a banner.

Shogun Marcus

Is that what that is? I thought someone left ottos brain in the fake leg outside again.

King Hippo

Beats killing myself, I guess

herodotus450
The Maestro

“What is ‘good’?” – Socrates
“What is?” – Descartes
“What?” – Li’l Jon

“No.” – all of DFO

Senor Weaselo

“Okay!” -Li’l Jon

herodotus450
Bogdanski

‘Member when that receiver murdered some guys?

clint greasewood

Rae Carruth

Bogdanski

Mostly just the picture of Peyton and Harrison that Gruden was slobbering over.

King Hippo

He really only made it to like 1.2 ppl ,, ppl forget that

clint greasewood

He was found guilty of conspiring to murder a woman who was pregnant with his child and is serving a prison sentence with an expected release date of October 22, 2018.
Maybe the Giants sign him next season.

Unsurprised

Better odds than Kaep ever getting signed.

litre_cola

Donte Stallworth?

The Maestro

Aaron Hernandez was a tight end, though.

Gratliff

Marvin Harrison?

LemonJello

Robert Rozier?

-nawt a receivah, tho bonus for being a serial killer?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Billy Cole? Wait, he was a RB. Last Boy Scout was pretty cool.

Brocky

Don’t forget Randall woodfield, the original murdering receiver.

Picked in the 17th round by the packers in 1974

LemonJello

Iggles! [*Redacted] s! IT’S AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION NEXT WEEK ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Sharkbait

Roll Tide.

Romonobyl

The anthem flyby needs to be A-10 Warthogs loaded for bear and ordered to go weapons-free upon approach to the stadium.

LemonJello

B-52s follow up with an arclight strike.
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Romonobyl

Tough, but fair.

Sharkbait

Nothing surprises Gruden anymore? He’s seen some shit.

herodotus450

Until a QB sucessfully completes a pass on the next series.

Brocky

Brian Kelly: I don’t know what next week holds

Bullshit, you had a weather report a week in advance

Brick Meathook

I think from now on I’m going to just wear safari suits to work every day. You know, khaki pants, khaki shirt , and a lightweight khaki jacket with big pockets on the front. And the jacket and shirt will both have epaulets on the shoulders. No hat, just some lightweight hiking boots and I’m set, with a dynamic look that let’s people know who I am and that I am ready to tackle any adventure: in the jungle, in the boardroom, or in the bedroom. “I go for a man in a safari suit” you can almost hear the winsome girls say. Directed by George Palmer in Metrocolor. An AVCO Release. I am high.

The Maestro

Don’t hog it all, man. I want whatever’s giving you these awesome ideas too.

Sharkbait

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Will you smoke a briar pipe, too? That would be a nice accessory.

LemonJello

Neckerchief or Ascot?

Beerguyrob

Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers’ collarbone clicks its approval at that late hit call.

deviantBastard

Ah #snap.

Beerguyrob

I enjoy the hypocrisy of Jon Gruden blaming Demarco Murray for that pick-6.

King Hippo

well, he is the darker of the two TN players involved

WCS

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Had the opportunity to get refuckulated with Lahey and fuckin’ Randy a month or so before Lil’ WCS was born.

Unsurprised

Nice tee. I didn’t realize they had black tie events in the Carolinas.

WCS

I live in Pennsyltucky. And, yes, a sports shirt is perfectly fine at any occasion, from a normal day at work, to a wedding.

Unsurprised

Oops. I thought you were Seamus

litre_cola

Pickerception?

Spur

ESPN is having a worse week that Harvey Weinstein

Sharkbait

Found Al Michaels. Can we get a shout out next Sunday night?

King Hippo

“I’m not much for you kids’ politics, but your devotion to brown liquor and ass is commendable! BURP.”

WCS

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Gettin’ on the liquor tonight in honor of Jim Lahey.

The Maestro
Brick Meathook

I watched the 10 best scenes posted earlier and that shit was funny as hell. This guy was a genius. I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never seen any of Trailer Park Boys until tonight and It was great.

King Hippo

the first season is uneven, but after that it’s fucking glorious

The Maestro

It never fails to make me laugh, ever. It’s so Nova Scotia it hurts. But it’s the good kind of hurt to me, since it makes me think of family there literally every time.

King Hippo

It’s like if you go so far north it becomes the South again but with hockey, eh?

#TrackPants

The Maestro

As a kid, I had a houndstooth shirt exactly like Ricky’s, and I’m fucking pissed I got too big for it.

Senor Weaselo

/Walks back in with riot shield
Woo? Yes, woo.
/Moonwalks back to the Weaselo Burrow

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Am I the only one hoping Luck comes back and Brisset Wally Pipps him?

Sharkbait

Do we need to play the NBA season? Can we just acknowledge its going to be Golden State-Cleveland again?

King Hippo

I don’t even think we need the playoffs, frankly

/am a middle-aged honky

Sharkbait

I can’t stand basketball tbh. It would just save us all.

Spur

LeBron’s hair transplant scars are still gnarly

Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

Someone hacked my boss’s cloud.

LemonJello

Ook.

deviantBastard

Reminds me of George Burns. Must be the cigar. Or maybe the diaper/underwear.

Doktor Zymm

Okay, I think it’s sleepy time for me. I’m heading back to the airport in about 10 hours to go to SFO and take possession of my apartment. Then flying back on the redeye tomorrow night to get my place ready for the movers. I’m going to treasure this night of sleep in my own bed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jeez Dok. Just Jeez.
You racking up some miles, hon.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Best of luck with the move!

Sharkbait

Good luck on the move!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stupid Colts touchdown marring our soccer perfection.

Doktor Zymm

Gotta get some side dishes in here too, I’m personally a fan of creamed corn
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Romonobyl

Done right…excellent.
Otherwise…blech.

Doktor Zymm

Agreed. It should be super rich and not runny, like the Tom Brady of corn

King Hippo

fried okra!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I am shocked to hear you like fried okra.
Holy shit.

King Hippo

I dislike so many beloved staples, but love fried okra, baked sweet potatoes (plain, DEFINITELY no butter), and zuchinni. Even my vegan demon-spawn kid won’t eat zuchinni.

Romonobyl

I thought we were friends…

LemonJello

The Lady LemonJello makes a corn casserole with regular corn, cream corn, Jiffy muffin mix, sour cream and cheddar cheese (optional) – goes great with ham, turkey, and chili, so probably good with bbq, too.

Romonobyl

That sounds like classic face-burying stuff.

Romonobyl

You made me do this. A proper Texas brisket doesn’t need sauce or bullshit garnishes, although I do confess I’ll use a really light glaze right before wrapping in butcher paper for a little extra something.
These slices barely held together when picked up by one end, really good wrapped up in a fresh tortilla with a bit of fresh onion and salsa.
All arguments are invalid, do enjoy this personally meaningless game.

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Sharkbait

Ill be over in 10

The Maestro

I’ll be there once my erection subsides. Unless you have one too. Looking at this tray, I wouldn’t judge you either.

Sharkbait

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Doktor Zymm

As far as I’m concerned, any and all pictures of brisket are fair game while Brissett is on the field

Beerguyrob

Truth brisket?

King Hippo

As noted below:

Romonobyl is making brisket for us shut-ins this winter.

But how is salsa any different from using a sauce?

/I will pick that shit up and mash it down by face with my bare hands, even a fork sounds sinful

Romonobyl

Good question. Salsa is controlled by the end user and is optional, therefor allowed. Adds some much welcome spice as well.

King Hippo

yes, that I agree with heartily. NO FORCED SAUCERY

deviantBastard

That’s good hustle.

Doktor Zymm

Oof. Looking at the injury roundup from this week, Redacteds get a whole 3 paragraphs

LemonJello

Are any of the them listed as: Knee (Wounded)?

Romonobyl

Well, I laughed.

Doktor Zymm

It seems there are anthem discussions set for tomorrow. I hope they all agree not to let future singers of the anthem showboat too much

Senor Weaselo

STICK TO 3/4 TIME.

The Maestro

3/4 TIME IS FOR PLEBS

13/8 WITH PHASING POLYRHYTHMIC PICKUPS OR GTFO N00BZ

Senor Weaselo

Immediately thought of this. (Unfortunately there’s no non-Facebook version.)
https://www.facebook.com/1624725646/videos/10212686672074756/

The Maestro

I laughed my ass off the first time I saw this.

Shogun Marcus

Whatever. I just drumroll from start to finish.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s probably collusion to figure out whether to have the singer hit the “over” or the “under” for anthem duration on the Super Bowl prop bet.

King Hippo

“If we let Flava Flav sing the anthem, will you people promise to stand up after that?”

– Roger Goodell (probably)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hmm, interesting idea…”

– Andy Reid, noticing Flav’s most famous accessory.

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LemonJello

Andy thought it was a scale for measuring out the finest meats and cheeses in all the land.

Petronel

Outlaw the lookit-me octave-up on “freeeEEEEE” and I’d be happy.

Oh, and any and all melisma.

Brick Meathook

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LemonJello

The Japanese are really into some weird stuff.

hippofant

Wow, Jon Gruden with a Remember the Titans reference.

Spur

“One of the Colts…” WHO YOU USELESS FUCKER?

...

So this tweet has been giving every Bears fan on Twitter a small heart attack.

https://twitter.com/MarkPotash/status/920071999992590336

Shogun Marcus

Reading is funnamenal.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow, this half is going by quickly.

Sharkbait

There is a god

Doktor Zymm

Fun fact : Delanie is French for “Of Lanie”

Senor Weaselo

I thought it was “Of the Nie,” but my French was never very good.

Shogun Marcus

I thought it was southern furniture.

King Hippo

So the Humps luck out every time they suffer a catastrophic boo-boo. Break a PeyPey, get a free HODOR! Break a HODOR, get a free Brissett (who they can at least get a 2nd rounder for if HODOR! comes back healthy, or if you want to really have some balls…see what you can get in draft capital for HODOR! and rebuild around the cheap guy).

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: “rebuild around the cheap guy” was FEMA’s operating instructions after a hurricane leveled every house in the neighborhood except Mike Brown’s.

...

Monday Night Football: Always a true rollercoaster ride of FUN!

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King Hippo

that may be the funniest picture I have seen on the interwebs this year. HUZZAH!

Shogun Marcus

Despite all his rage, he is still just a sad.

...

This reminded me that I must go to his tea house and drink his expensive tea.

King Hippo

That’s a face that has now for reals hit the infinite sadness.

litre_cola

I feel that Delanie Walker must be 47 years old.

Shogun Marcus

“Halloween retailer pulls Anne Frank costume after receiving complaints.”
No shit really?

LemonJello

What’s next, “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas” dress up fun kit getting recalled? smdh

Senor Weaselo

But Sexy Anne Frank is still for sale, right?

Doktor Zymm

Hey! They decided to play vollyball for 5 seconds or so!