Your “How The Hell Did That Happen?” Monday Night Football Preview & Open Thread

NFL News:

Hippo’s got you covered for all the weirdness of the weekend, but I’d just like to take a minute to ask the pertinent question – How the hell did that happen? – to things like:

  • Blair Walsh missed three field goals, all wide-left. If only they’d had some indication he couldn’t kick in the cold.

  • The Eagles scored so often & much that they ran out of fireworks.
    • A game the Broncos are describing as “Rock Bottom”.
      • I don’t know about that, because:
        • the Patriots might hang 60 on them at Gillette this weekend.
        • they’ve got a home game against the Bengals that’s a pick-em.
        • they’ve got a road game against the Colts which could make Jacoby Brissett look like Peyton Manning.
      • So, there’s plenty more bottoms to come.
Until the parade.
  • Josh Gordon is expected to report to the Browns Tuesday.
    • He’s sat out more games than Zeke ever will. Why don’t the Cowboys just give the Browns a couple of draft picks – not like they’ll help – and everyone call it even?
  • Jalen Ramsey tried to go at A.J. Green under the stands. He also verbally confronted other Bengals as they left the field for halftime.
    • He had to be restrained by security & escorted back to his locker room.
    • Green has apologized this morning. “I apologize to my teammates, Mr. Brown, and everybody, because that is not who I am. It just got the best of me today.”
      • Unspoken: “Fuck you, Jalen Ramsey.”
    • What have you to add, Pacman?
      • “Some s— you need to keep on the field, and some s— you don’t bring on the field regardless of what it is,” Jones said. “I’m not going to get into verbatim what he said to A.J. and how everything happened, but he’ll get what he asked for,” Jones said. “It all comes around. It always comes around. … Just watch you say and be respectful to people. You never know what happens. You never know who you’re going to play with. You never know who you’re going to see again. I’m going to leave that at that.”
    • But, for clarification, here’s what Green’s not apologizing to Ramsey for:

  • Other picked fights:

Finally, to end on a little good news, it looks like Teddy Bridgewater is going to be activated this week off the PUP list, and will serve as a backup to Case Keenum. Good for him; hated to see a kid cut down at age 24.

Unless it’s warranted.
  • This means the Vikings will have four QBs on the roster, meaning Kyle Sloter (great metal-band name) or Sam Bradford may have to go.
    • Bradford’s missed six games, so he could be placed on the PUP list, preventing him from being picked up by someone else & adding Minnesota to Kaepernick’s collusion case.

Game Preview: Lions at Packers

Brocky covered most of the reasons why tonight will be a painful watch. But I’d like to add one more.

This fucking guy.

Dom Capers has had 10 years to craft a competent defence. In 2009 & 2010, his defences were top-10 in scoring & points allowed. In 2010 specifically, they finished No. 2 in scoring defense, No. 5 in total defense, No. 2 in interceptions and No. 2 in sacks. Since 2010, his defences haven’t ranked above 21st, a point people don’t dwell on complainingly enough when Aaron Rodgers is able to pull his team’s fat out of the fire on numerous, repeated occasions.

All Packers fans see.

Shogun Marcus craftily epitomized the feeling of the locals in his preview, noting how complacent people have become winning the division & turning into the 1990s Atlanta Braves.

On the other side of the ball, you’ve got the highest paid quarterback in the NFL, Matt Stafford,

looking to drive other quality receivers into early retirement via poor zone reads and ten-yard overthrows. The Lions have no running game, a kicker whose continued employment in the league is completely reliant on AA references, and a defence that makes Dom Capers look cromulent, because he can beat the division.

Most years, I would tune in once or twice during RAW commercials to see if tuning in after RAW finishes would be worth my time. But I don’t want to miss Alexa Bliss,

  

so I might just get there around the fourth quarter. By then it should be 13-10 for…someone.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers – 8:15PM | ESPN / TSN
  • NBA:
    • Celtics at Hawks – 7:30PM | TSN2
    • Heat at Warriors – 10:30 | TSN2
  •  WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw: 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

In case the game gets boring, here’s a Monday type of song for the Commentists:

SO 80’s!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Doktor Zymm

He enjoys blocking, catching, and long walks on the beach! Triple threat!

SonOfSpam

Like a butch Tommy Tune.

Romonobyl

But what about teh puppiez?

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Spur

Whys is Rodgers dressed like a giant green butt plug?

LemonJello

Gotta get his money’s worth out of this year’s Halloween costume?

King Hippo

You choose “dare” after one martini too many at The Manhole, you gotta pay the piper

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if that Alienist show will be worth a shit. I recall liking the book.
No face huggers or chest bursters in evidence, though.

Doktor Zymm

It goes to commercial, I go to unpack some stuff, I run slightly into the football coming back, I sit down, watch 3 seconds of football, it goes to commercial…..

LemonJello

Moral of the story: never unpack. Just live out of the boxes (and make a kick-ass fort while you’re at it).

...

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Spur

You will watch and like the Lexus Christmas commercial.

Spur

Dont fuck with Ted Cruz
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Hell his daddy killed JFK!

JustStopDude

I love how if the receiver doesn’t come down with the ball, full on murder is allowed on him.

...

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LemonJello

Good evening, Mr. President. Your usual table tonight?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t see that every day.

Spur

How is that not hitting a defenseless receiver?

King Hippo

Because FUCK EBRON that’s why

Doktor Zymm

So, I own a deck of Monty Python and the Holy Grail trading cards which may or may not be worth like, $50

JustStopDude

Hot teak that I expect to take a LOT of abuse for….I think the Monty Python show and movies are overrated.

Yeah I said it!

Doktor Zymm

They had a lot of crap, but they get full credit for all the good bits. The show is especially hit or miss.

JustStopDude

I run into people that act like its the pinnacle of comedy.

They were true trail blazers, but honestly, it doesn’t hold up well at all. A lot of the humor is so damn sophomoric.

Kids in the Hall were far better and aged fantastically.

litre_cola

We all know the pinnacle of comedy was Ernest, when he went to camp.

Shogun Marcus

Jail or gtfo.

Doktor Zymm

Much harder to find their stuff though, annoyingly enough

litre_cola

I agree with this. Life of Brian was the fucking best.

Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Humor is subjective; it’s not “overrated” you just don’t fucking like it. You don’t have to justify your not liking it by rationalizing how bad it is.

Doktor Zymm

Agnew? Any relation to the disgraced former VP and Maryland governor?

Spur

We all agree Rand Paul was fucking his neighbor and/or wife/daughter/son/dog right. Five broken ribs over leaves?

SonOfSpam

Hot man-on-Rand action.

herodotus450

I can think of a whole Government Shutdown-full of reasons someone might want to assault him.
/Think I did that right.

Viva La Tabula Raza

It’d be cool to set that neighbor on Ted Cruz, while we’re at it….

...

Wouldn’t work. You can’t break Ted Cruz’s ribs because he’s made entirely of cartilage.

LemonJello

I thought his endoskeleton was made of a material not of this earth?

JustStopDude

I think Cruz has some crazy, Buffalo Bob, style strength.

There is no way that creature can maintain an erection without some one or something being tortured.

JustStopDude

Well Paul is an eye doctor that refuses to believe in evolution or that providing medical care to poor people would be a good idea (which is ESPECIALLY HILARIOUS as something like 95% of his clients are already on government assistance for medical care).

Chances are, he has some conspiracy in his head that calcium is poison or something.

...

To be fair, Rand was operating a small cookie factory out of his neighbor’s tree without paying rent.

SonOfSpam

(Trebek voice)

“Ooh, I’m sorry; you were thinking of Jeff Sessions.”

...

This is the sort of dispute that leads to a rib-breaking fight my friend.

Senor Weaselo

LORD PALMERSTON!

...

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SonOfSpam

My ribs are well-protected by kevlar* so just try it.

*fat

Shogun Marcus

Pug NAWT ready for this alleged football.
http://i65.tinypic.com/142vvpu.jpg

Doktor Zymm

I had lunch today at the free BBQ place. I got some pulled pork and a hot link. Gotta go back and try the brisket and/or ribs. It’ll make me feel better when I’m trying to stream a defense next week and can’t come up with anything better than the Green Bay D this week

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Come on, Aaron Jones, score me some points. (In an Uber so no idea who has the ball).

Doktor Zymm

Actually, you were pretty close….to an A.Jones carry for negative yards 🙁

I gots him too, I can update unless I stop caring/get drunk/whatevs

litre_cola

Not A-A Ron

JustStopDude

Does Janelle Monae actually do music anymore or is it just really annoying commercials now?

Spur

Whatever pays the bills.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Sung to the tune of Peyton’s Nationwide jingle:
“Dude I hate your fucking ads…”

Spur

“sending our thoughts And prayers”

LemonJello

Country singer-dude (Brad Paisley?) “Rest my balls on your fore-head”

Doktor Zymm

It’s a great way to know which company to NOT buy insurance from!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ll stick with the USAA. Their ads can be bit mawkish, but they deliver as promised, and no stupid songs or talking ducks or geckos.

King Hippo

USAA is the absolute tits. Thanks for being in the USAF, Dad!

SonOfSpam

Drinking a Wailua Wheat from Kona Brewing. Fruitier than most NFL quarterbacks, but it’s better than not drinking a beer.

LemonJello

CARDINALS! SEAHAWKS! WHAT DO YOU GOT TO DO THAT’S SO IMPORTANT ON THURSDAY NIGHT?

SonOfSpam

“Marvin Jones has become a very good deep ball receiver”

He ain’t the best in the stadium, I tell you what.

Spanky Datass

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Spur

Rodger never gets to be it
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Petronel

Was that Rock Em Sock Em Robots?

I tell ya, if they’re going to cut the anthem, they need to replay the TD celebrations.

litre_cola

Excellent.

scotchnaut

If Marvin Jones scores 3 TD’s I’ll be sitting pretty.

Shogun Marcus

One down…

scotchnaut

Fuckballs! One down-two more to go.

JustStopDude

So like 6 months ago, I was working overseas, giving a steel mill like a month and a half worth of training. I swear to god I think I trained every fucking electrician and millwright they have just on their descale system we provided the drive for.

It took like 4 months to get them to send my fucking gear back. It got to the point we sent them a purchase order/bill for the gear to get them to ship back my shit. Just one of my simulators and computer sets is like $40k worth of gear. They had TWELVE of these fucking things.

Come 4:50 PM, some peon at the company calls me up and tells me that they are refusing to pay for the training because I didn’t get my hours signed off. I signed off all their paperwork detailing the hours and the names of every fucking person that got training from me, but I didn’t specifically use a specific form they never mentioned. Because of this, they felt they had just cause to not pay anything for the training I gave.

I sitting there on the phone utterly dumbfounded when the guy asks me if I am still on the line.

“yeah I am. Hold on while I connect you with the legal department”

“Wait WHAT?!?”

“Sir, I cannot continue this conversation as you have indicated you are withholding contract payment. This conversation cannot continue on my end.”

“No THAT ISN’T NECESSARY!”

“I’m afraid it is” button press and then forward to the company lawyer.

For context, the over all job was something like $3.2 million. This fucking steel mill is trying to withhold like MAYBE $6k in payments from me. I will never understand these companies that go out of their way to waste money on stupid shit but they go nuts trying to cut costs on important stuff.

Gratliff

I really don’t miss the scumminess of manufacturing companies in general. I imagine it only gets worse when you deal with shitty ones overseas.

JustStopDude

The thing I find frustrating is that a lot of them overseas are effectively following shit that the US made the norm….like cutting maintenance and training budgets, and following the latest managerial fads.

Gratliff

What used to drive me nuts about management was how they’d try to Americanize foreign efficiency initiatives like 5S, shit the bed miserably trying to do that with workers too cynical to give a fuck, while completely ignoring any of the actual benefits they might offer in Germany or Japan that might make the workers give half a fuck about what the slave drivers have to say. Not to mention shit like getting all their safety coordinator types from line workers who are just happy to not have to do some monotonous bullshit for an hour a month so if some real shit goes down they know they can trace the problem all the way to the bottom. The only real positive was that not only was it socially acceptable to scream in your boss’ face when he was being a fuckwit, it was basically the only path to advancement.

SonOfSpam

JSD’s training method:

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe the guy was just kidding around, like last night…

herodotus450

Heh, woops:

Spur

So Fox is selling to Disney? is Fox News and Fox Business included? If they are , shut them down and rebrand them. Grandma won’t know the change happened. All they know is that the news is on channel 134.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Is this true? Well, it makes sense, since It’s fantasy land there in Fox News anyway.

herodotus450

Just movies probably?

The company could not own two broadcast networks and would therefore not buy the Fox broadcast network. It would not buy Fox’s sports programming assets in the belief that combining them with ESPN could be seen as anti-competitive from an antitrust standpoint and it would not buy the Fox News or Business channel. Disney would also not purchase Fox’s local broadcasting affiliates, according to people familiar with the negotiations.

litre_cola

Evening commentists, I hope you are all well.

I require a td from Abdullah and Jones. Is that too much to ask? Yes. Yes it is.

herodotus450

Is Jahvid Best still a threat?

deviantBastard

Hmm…good question. I don’t remember.

SonOfSpam

He thinks he’s Trent Green.

Shogun Marcus

Bluebunny’s 6th chin coming in nicely. Very reidian.

Doktor Zymm

Holy shit, just seeing the AJ Green meltdown

scotchnaut

“It’s like he was a candle that wasn’t in the wind.”

-Melting John

Shogun Marcus

There’s a Ledbetter on Detroit? Can anyone understand him?

SonOfSpam

Not if he’s in a box or a bag.

herodotus450
Shogun Marcus

I maintain that song is the all-time bar close song.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, spread the ball around. Don’t feel like you have to go to Aaron Jones anymore. Give everybody a chance to play!!!!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Downvoted

LemonJello

Good shot of Captain Blue Bunny putting in his order off the Schwan’s catalog in his hand.

Petronel

So now that the Pack have their preferred OL all together…

Settlers of Catan is on for Wednesdays again?

Spur

Is Rodgers entertaining all the rookies in his sideline tent tonight?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Gonna try making Chicken Noodle Kimchi Soup tonight.

SonOfSpam

(cums)

– Hines Ward

Spur

Turns out Taylor Swift is a Nazi

...

She’s also a volcel.

scotchnaut

What the hell else was she going to identify as?

deviantBastard

Human, perhaps?

scotchnaut

Hmmmm… How do you figure?

LemonJello

Escaped Replicant?

scotchnaut

This is as close as anyone is going to get.

ballsofsteelandfury

WHO ARE THESE ASSHOLES AND WHERE IS MY SEXY LEGGY BLONDE?!?

Spur

Folks

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Nick, saying hello to his family at Thanksgiving

SonOfSpam

(greeting flew 10 feet to the right of mom)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“…”

– Aaron Rodgers, saying hello to his family at Thanksgiving

King Hippo

we also would have accepted “belches at television”

Senor Weaselo

He’s not going to say he’s watching this show, but he won’t not say it.
https://youtu.be/1CatVJI_sD0?t=3m5s

JustStopDude

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...

A true Lady Respecter if there ever was one.

Gratliff

She seems terrifying.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, like there would be devices and animals and fire involved.

deviantBastard

I bet she goes to church every Sunday though.

SonOfSpam

Texas churches are extra holey.

...

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Gratliff

SOS comes in with guns blazing

scotchnaut

Strength of Schedule has never been so heartless.

LemonJello

Church’s Chicken, maybe…

King Hippo

“Big” likely being the operative word here. I’ve seen them NEB crowd shots…

deviantBastard

I think you mean money shots.

LemonJello

comment image?w=852&h=342
It’s the only way to be sure.

herodotus450

Who knew Jared Allen’s biggest fan was from DC?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Her parents must be so proud!

litre_cola

The fuck is that?

JustStopDude

Yeah I keep telling my mom she needs to wash her fucking car.

King Hippo

Here’s what you need to know about Brett Hundley. His beard? Needs work.

“I’ll say!!” – Aar…..

/is murdered by Shogun Marcus

Shogun Marcus

Nah, you right. Living here, he should know better.

herodotus450

Matt Duchene worth 3 first round picks?
/Heeheehee, just put out the bait and wait to catch ourselvs a scotch-o-naut.

scotchnaut

This is the Sens front office version of “all-in”. Yeah, it ain’t pretty at all.

herodotus450

But at least they don’t have that 6 Million Kyle Turris cap hit, they just have Duchene at… 6 Million?

scotchnaut

But they’re getting more scoring power from a guy that didn’t score very much last year …for the very same price!

herodotus450

And a first. And last years first round pick. And a third. And the hamburglar. THE HAMBURGLAR YOU FOOLS!

scotchnaut

[adjusts noose to properly fit neck]

Everything is gonna be just fine. Just you wait and see.

herodotus450

Sens seem like a cheapskate franchise (I mean, they don’t even have 100 players like their name suggests) so I just assume they got rid of Hammond because they couldn’t afford the burger cleanup.

scotchnaut

Sens are on a very limited budget for sure. Hammond had a great run but he’s had trouble being healthy/effective since and was beaten out by Condon. And now the tightwad Sens get to dump his salary.

deviantBastard

We’ve secretly swapped out the Kommetariats’ football board with hockey talk. Let’s see if they notice.

Gratliff

This is basically an elimination game, right?

King Hippo

Bearistocrats, NFC North champions (8-8). It is written.

Gratliff

Would it even sell out in the wild card round?

King Hippo

I mean, who wouldn’t want to re-live the Roaring 20s nowadays??

Gratliff

Funny. That’s also tonight’s O/U.

King Hippo

you know, “no TDs scored” gets +7500 odds. That was worth a $50 Hail Mary. Covers almost the entire body shop bill from my asshole-est kid’s handiwork that I can’t submit for insurance.

Gratliff

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Senor Weaselo

What’d they hit?

JustStopDude

This has been “Pacman Jones: Unlikely Voice of Reason”…

scotchnaut

[watches “Wonder” trailer]

You can practically see Owen Wilson and Julia Roberts elbowing each other out of the most emotional scenes .

“Fuck You! The Golden Globe nomination is mine!”

Petronel

Matron Saint with strong shearling game tonite.

King Hippo

I mean, in a totes non-leering way (when I am creepy and leery, I let the ppls know), she’s quite fashion forward, no? She really do have some serious style game.

Petronel

Yep. She knows what works on her, and she always looks good. (And also usually looks reasonably comfortable, which is not always a large Venn-diagram overlap.)

Spanky Datass

Wind-blown-hair Suzy is the best Suzy. The shearling is bonus Suzy hotness.

Romonobyl

I would soooo disappoint her.

LemonJello

Honestly, I am not at all sure that I am ready for some football.

King Hippo

This…is gonna be some shit, fellas.

LemonJello

What is, “Things Andy Reid says after closing down a buffet?” I’ll take Potent Potables for $500.

Romonobyl

“Oh, I thought that said Portable Potatoes”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yikes, I didn’t expect Alexa to be here tonight.

100 feet isn’t as far as it sounds.

ballsofsteelandfury

Whack whack whack

LemonJello

Who invited Kellen Winslow, Jr to the live blog?

herodotus450

Honestly! Who goes to target when Pier 1 IS RIGHT THERE!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehehe…..I only just saw the reference.

Shogun Marcus

Anyone else hear something like a boot stuck in mud?

LemonJello

That was just Fatt Stafford finishing off his meatloaf/mashed potatoes pre-game smoothie.

Viva La Tabula Raza

From Brick Meathook in the previous thread:

“Anyway, I still think the Edsels can be the angriest team in the NFL because they have no real home, and therefore the most dangerous team.”

I immediately thought “Ronin.”

Shogun Marcus

Appropes, both for this “game” and the Republican view on gun control.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=khTw53g5Xmk

Shogun Marcus

Fuck it, let’s go all in. Danny Trejo to boot!
https://youtube.com/watch?v=n5_vrProhoY

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