Donald Trump’s Foreign Policy: Risky Endeavours Explained By “Risk”

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Risk. Anyone over the age of 25 remembers this game.

I don’t remember games being this civil. Just lots of punching & cries to mom.

A child’s game, but not a game just a child will play. Allow me to walk you through the process of how we got to this point.

This is Barron Trump,

Now, on the surface, he’s a mild-mannered kid whose father just happens to be President of the United States. He goes to a good school,

has a loving nanny mother who provides for him,

fiercely protective older brothers & sisters,

and a dotard doting father.

   

He likes board games,

and his father is a board game.

But along the way, the son grew to challenge the father,

and the distance between them grew. Unlike the others,

this son was outpacing the father.

So far, so good, Mr. Jones?

We all know Donald Trump plays to win,

Many people are afraid to fail, so they don’t try. They may dream, talk, and even plan, but they don’t take that critical step of putting their money and their effort on the line. To succeed in business, you must take risks. Even if you fail, that’s how you learn.

and what is the greatest victory? World domination. And to dominate the world takes risk.

Listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper.

The father cannot beat the child at the father’s own game, an intolerable offence. He cannot be second – not to his child, not to anyone. So, if he cannot win on the board, he must win in the real world. If Risk is “the game of strategic conquest”, then being President demands you raise both the arena and stakes. Mostly so you can raze the arena, as firewood to cook your steaks well-done.

Plus, if you’ve had enough beers, the Trump board game board

looks like the Dune game board,

which then looks like the Risk game board.

SEE?!


(To follow along, turn on “Dark Side of the Moon” while watching The Wizard of Oz.)

Here are the territories involved in Risk.

How he sees them dictates how he treats them via foreign policy.

North America:

  1. Palinstine. Give to Israel like Pence asked.
  2. West Canadastan. Like other Virginia.
  3. Wall payers, Drug dealers & Shitholes
  4. Mostly voted for me. Own lots of it. Fix after storms.
  5. No properties.
  6. No properties.
  7. Canadastan. Money has a girl on it.
  8. Kwee Beck. No habla Frenchy.
  9. Damned liberals wouldn’t give me an Emmy. Get Kim to nuke.

Sorry don_t, no Puerto Rico on this map. So it’s either been fixed or it clearly doesn’t exist, like these so-called “Houston Texans” the NFL keeps talking about.

South America:

  1. No properties.
  2. No properties.
  3. No properties.
  4. No properties.

This just goes without saying: no interests; no interest.

Europe:

  1. Talk like us; spell different.
  2. Vikings?
  3. Good people with a noble history. Misunderstood.
  4. Preferred immigrants. Difficult furniture.
  5. Wifelandia.
  6. Where my bankers live.
  7. People dad exploited. Where Mexicans came from?

The crux of his foreign policy is based on what he can get from these regions, and in turn what these regions can do to help MAGA.

Africa:

  1. Shithole.
  2. Shithole Obama came from.
  3. Shithole.
  4. Island Shithole.
  5. Shithole.
  6. Shithole. Won’t buy back my Krugerrands.

But he’s not racist!

Asia:

  1. Whogivesafuckistan.
  2. Where my clothing line is made.
  3. Where NYC cab drivers are made.
  4. Where Vlad promised to “house” Hilary.
  5. Japs.
  6. Alaska?
  7. Muslimstan. BANNED! (said in “YOU’RE FIRED!” voice)
  8. Where Rocket Man comes from.
  9. Why I had bone spurs.
  10. Alaska?
  11. Oral Mountains. A natural wall keeping undesirables out of Europe. (Note: talk to Zinke & General Semen Semonite at the A.C.E. about building mountains along border.)

It runs the whole gamut of foreign policy emotions, from who’s exploiting America to whom America can exploit.

Australasia:

  1. East Kangaroo.
  2. Indo-…Indo-… India.
  3. Hawaii.
  4. West Kangaroo.

Doesn’t matter. He will never travel there because he doesn’t want to receive a booting.

There you have it. Donald Trump: petulant, reactionary man-baby. Driven to frustration by a son who has surpassed the father, the only way he can feel like a man again is to beat the game in real life, where there are no consequences.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Your “I Swore I Would Be True” Monday Evening Open Thread – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]blaxabbathUnsurprisedBeerguyrobDoktor Zymm Recent comment authors
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[…] Donald Trump’s Foreign Policy: Risky Endeavours Explained By “Risk” – January 15, 2018 […]

blaxabbath
Doktor Zymm

Also, Axis and Allies FOREVER

Doktor Zymm

This seems like an adequate time to point out that if Trump had just invested in an index fund way back before he tried any of hi real estate shit, in the 80s, or even 90s, he would have waaaay more money than he has now and wouldn’t have run for prez in the first place

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s no way he’s really a billionaire.

Anyway, there are tons of ways he could be richer even than he claims to be. They all require him not to be an idiot failson piece of shit who is now suffering from dementia and a complete brain meltdown.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Nice job on the geography breakdown. One quibble: Scandinavian difficult furniture. That fucker doesn’t know from IKEA. And I doubt if he could pick an Allen wrench out of a tool lineup, let alone know how use it.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

IKEA isn’t hard to figure out. The tools they give you are shit, but that’s our fault more often than not for not having decent tools to do things around the house. That goes for the fasteners and fittings, too.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Winner, none? Oh, I know one man who would chalk that outcome up to a complete and total victory…

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He’s going to need to repopulate.

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Duchess

OK, we need an online DFO RISK games going on. My friends and I used to have battles that would take days to finish. Move from house to house where folks would write down who had what armies where and what cards we all had.

blaxabbath

Offseason!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

When I was kid stuck for the most part on a small military installation in northwestern Turkey, me and my amigos would play the fuck out of Risk. We decided that the board that came with the game wasn’t ambitious enough, so we bought a 4′ x 6′ world map like the kind they hang in school classrooms and delineated countries on it with magic marker in such a manner that there were like 3 times as many countries and combined the game pieces from 4 or 5 games (everybody had their own copy of the game, of course). Numerous week-long battles for world domination ensued, but within six months or a year several of us started hitting puberty and began pursuing other interests.
This has been your nostalgia minute.

blaxabbath

Calvinball eh?

Wakezilla

Dolores O’Riordan, Cranberries lead singer, died today

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What with being Irish Catholic, I’d have to imagine the Saints loss was just more than her poor heart could take.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe, maybe not.comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Um…do you know who Dolores O’Riordan was?

bk109
bk109

Or how to use google? … And yes, Mossiers Rikki,Tikki and ‘specially Deadly – I could’ve used another song, but I wanted something that relatively conclusively shows that Dolores has never been Sinead O’Connor XD

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Nothing more than that she sang a couple of cool songs that still get regular rotation on the radio. Your comment just reminded me that not all Irish RCs are enamored with the faith.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So THIS post is why Marty Schottenheimer has been sending us angry letters.

Wakezilla

“and a dotard doting father”

Excellent subtle joke and call back!

Duchess

I can already hear Trump

“We must build a wall in Alaska! Asians can easily invade us from KAM-SHAT-KA! Kam-Shat-Ka, not a whole lot of people know about it but I do. Generals are all shocked that I know about Kam-Shat-Ka and say “Did you know about Kam-Shat-Ka? I didn’t know, but he knows”… That’s right I know about Kam-Shat-ka!”

SonOfSpam

I just know you can get a large plastic bottle of Kam-Chat-Ka for about 5 bucks.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

South America is lucky if no one pays attention to it for a while.

Wakezilla

Ah, but Venezuela and Ecuador look like they want some American democracy. . .

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

My old boss was friends with Hugo Chavez. I’m well aware of how evil the U.S. is when it comes to Venezuela.

Sharkbait

Pictured:

Trump and Putin discussing Ukraine

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The old man is missing the neo-Nazi regalia of modern Ukrainian ultranationalists.

Game Time Decision

no way Trump can find Ukraine on a map

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Definitely reinforces that the only way to win is not to play.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or move to Greenland…
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Senor Weaselo

Funny, I thought it was Madagascar that would be safe.
/As for Risk, we all know whoever controls Oceania and Indonesia at the onset controls the game.

Duchess

During a game of Risk is only time where Neo-Conservatives actually want to be in South America.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s always been a refuge for Nazis and Europeans who lost their empires.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I tried that, all it did was get me yelled at.”

– Albert Haynesworth

SonOfSpam

“Wifelandia” is excellent. And this whole thing is so sadly accurate I’m just gonna sleep for a while.

Sharkbait

I dont want trump playing Hitler: The home game

blaxabbath

Mouse Trap