NFL News:
- Actual good thing: The Steelers converted most of Ryan Shazier’s salary to a signing bonus, so he can get paid for the 2018 season right now.
- He gets $8.26 of his $8.7 million up front now, instead of in the League’s 18 installments.
- Aside from the fact he’s on the PUP list & didn’t count against the cap anyway, it helps him out because a signing bonus is taxed at a different rate than salary. “Windfall” versus “income”.
- New hires:
- ESPN: Jason Whitten, who is 36, has 15 years in, & apparently doesn’t want to catch more DAK! dump-offs over the middle for five yards & a concussion test.
- He’ll be joining the Monday Night booth, where the only head trauma will come from the quick cuts & the flickering of the super slo-mo.
- CBS: Bruce Arians, who will challenge Jim Nantz’ fedoras-only policy & take his Kangol into the booth with Greg Gumbel & Trent Green.
- PFT: Peter King has left SI for the saccharin banality of being Mike Florio’s roommate at NBC.
- ESPN: Jason Whitten, who is 36, has 15 years in, & apparently doesn’t want to catch more DAK! dump-offs over the middle for five yards & a concussion test.
- Getting paid:
- Matt Ryan – 5 years / $150 million.
- Feel free to note this date as the moment the Falcons priced themselves out of Super Bowl contention after the 2018 season.
- Matt Ryan – 5 years / $150 million.
CFL News:
It’s Draft Day, BAY-BAY!
Now for those of you not in the know, tonight will be an interesting mix of “who’s that guy” combined with “they have football at that school?”, “where is that school?”, and “Qui est cet homme?”
TSN has you covered with their Draft Primer, but long-story short, here’s the first-round draft order:
- Hamilton Tiger-Cats (via MTL)
- Montreal Alouettes (via HAM)
- BC Lions
- Ottawa
Rough RidersREDBLACKS - Saskatchewan Roughriders
- Hamilton Tiger-Cats (via EDM)
- BC Lions (via WPG)
- Calgary Stampeders
- Toronto Argonauts
There are two candidates for the #1 pick:
- Trey Rutherford, OL – UCONN
- Mark Chapman, WR, CMU
Both are attractive candidates as they are both Canadian, and thus fill coveted roster spots in a league that mandates a “Game Rule Ratio” of 44 players on the active roster that must comprise:
- three QBs (no designation)
- a maximum 20 international players
- a minimum 21 Canadian/national players
There are also standards for minimum numbers of Canadian/national starters per game, so having high draft picks fill those slots (phrasing) is ideal.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Capitals at Penguins – 7:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet (Game 4; Caps lead 2-1)
- Predators at Jets – 9:30PM | NBCSN / CBC (Game 4; Jets lead 2-1)
- NBA:
- Cavaliers at Raptors – 6:00PM | ESPN / Sportsnet1
- 76ers at Celtics – 8:30PM | TNT / Sportsnet1
- CFL:
- Draft – 8:00PM | TSN
- MLB:
- no national broadcasts
Enjoy yourselves – I’VE GOT NOTHING!
Padre Weaselo just saw a Trumpy Bear commercial. He was certain it couldn’t possibly be real and was an SNL sketch.
“I’M A FORMER MARINE, AND MY TRUMPY BEAR GOES EVERYWHERE MY BIKE DOES!”
Wife and I are flying tomorrow to Minneapolis for the weekend (I got a work obligation there Monday). Any recommendations for to-do’s there?
(Apology if I posted this on a open thread before and just didn’t ever check back on responses)
I’m told Surly Brewery is where you want to go. But take notes, I have to throw a bachelor party there this summer
Surly only brews for one person: Surly.
If you don’t object to the based ball, Target Field is a nice place to watch a game, and there are some fine beverage establishments nearby.
Hurl some rocks at the BIRDMURDERDOME
Ike’s downtown is a cool restaurant bar type place
Also try Hells Kitchen. If you want some of the best German food ever try the Gasthoff zur Gemutlicheit. You’ll even get a chance to Ziggy zaggy.
Fuck air travel
“Well, BFC, isn’t that what you’re doing, spending all of your time inside of planes?”
What.
Good News!
Only about six hours til AFL footy!
/drunkenly sets alarm for sixTEEN hours later
//passes out
///misses match
Listening to The Smiths/Morrissey is never a good idea, btw.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iey0VOhxV2Y
Poor fucking Ice Bombers. I don’t see them holding back the tide this time. Cornpone motherfuckers in 7.
Losing game four with a 2-1 lead is never a good omen.
News: King leaves SI for NBC Sports
Translation: King is Florio’s beatch, negotiated the language of press release
I think BA will be pretty good in the booth. Not like, he’ll do it for 15 years but maybe four or five.
It will be funny when Trent Green is irrationally terrified of the kangol hat.
Did Rinne just make a harpoon save? Is that legal? I mean clearly it is but I mean legal by the laws of nature.
Incredible. Thought it was a sure goal.
Murray earned his paycheck tonight, for sure.
Jerk.
Now Winnipeg, please try not to make the night a total loss.
A fight between guys named Oshie and LeTang.
You can’t make this shit up.
Letang is one of the nicest athletes I have ever met. He has a future in wine when he is done. The guy has a passion for it and is knowledgeable as hell.
yoooo hahaha boston Celtics are getting their shit kicked in tonight.
my bad might have spoke too soon. close game at halftime now.
-Trent Green
“Can you hook a fella up with the days they throw out the old pills?”
-R. Leaf
Okay, how many points would the LeBrons have to spot the Raptors in Games 4-7 if the Raptors were also spotted the first 3 games of the series?
It makes Hippo chuckle how “The Association” thinks this totes naturally created drama is gonna get the general sports fan to start paying attention to their “sport.”
As natural as the bouncing ping-pong balls
dis weasel gets it!
FUN FACT! There is a Sudamerican Lesser Footy side called The Strongest.
/they are losing to Libertad 0-1 at the half
Ecto-1’s seen better days.
Meth – not even once.
Promised I wouldnt wake up decilitre tonight with my hootin and hollerin.
Wife – Try to be like Super Bowl
Me- You mean quiety soused and very stoned? Can do.
Wife- Dont care, but you are going to work tomorrow.
Damn, Celtics are trash tonight.
-Loyalist Scots
Rudy Giuliani….why isn’t he in a home?
Like he has Alzheimer right?
Why not leprosy?
Because colorectal cancer’s sitting right there on the table.
I’m pretty sure Herr Fuhrer has a nice “60 Minutes Varietal” home picked out for him after the last 24 hours…
In case anyone needs a football fix.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YxkfDpFAUY
I was hoping for a compilation of football to the crotch clips…
I typed “Bengals playoff losses” into YouTube, but I’m not ready to stare into that abyss.
“Malkin’s playoff ‘stache makes us look good.”
-Pedos everywhere
“Cultural Appropriation!”
-the really twisted pedos
So Republicans in the House have nominated Trump for the Nobel Peace Price (yeah, apparently they can do that).
In other news, the descendants of Adolf Hitler are waiting for his posthumous “Righteous Among the Nations” award in the mail because if Trump can get nominated for a Nobel Peace Price, anything is possible.
Well I got to give him credit…the DPRK can’t do the usual “We are the craziest mother fuckers on the block so we are going to be a pain in the ass” routine anymore.
So maybe peace on the peninsula?
Florida Man will have none of that talk…
Name me 5 people who have contributed more to the cause of porn stars. You can’t.
Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, Smirnoff, and Crystal Meth
I thought only members of Sweden’s parliament can do that. Or any Swede. Some nordic bullshit.
Matt Murray is kinda pissing me off.
That is all.
“That is all.”
-Seamus
I’m calling bullshit.
….For now
OK, that call also kinda pisses me off too.
Stupid Sexy Scotchy with your omniscience.
Murray? PRESENT!
I put $50 on the Craps to win the 1st period when it got up to +400, they can suck it now.
Teenage girl interested in human sacrifice sentenced for stabbing boy during sex
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2018/05/02/teen-human-sacrifice-stabbing-partner-sex/574763002/
Actual quote from article…
Clown Masks? Human Sacrifice? Fans of the Insane Mayan Posse have finally got their groove back.
+1 calendar
But she’s single though.
😛
/a highlight is shown
Pierre Maguire: [verbally gags on whatever cock happens to be closest]
Raptors have clearly gone tharn.
Raptors doing their very best “Raptors in the Headlights” look.
So playoff Raptors?
Time from teaching to get to my gig (that I was 15 minutes late to as a result): 1 hour, 30 minutes
Time spent playing once I got there: 1 hour 30 minutes (and actually there was a 10 minute break during cocktail)
Fucking NYC traffic, man. Also it’s taken the valet guys (because I had to because I was late) like 20 minutes to get my car.
Greatest City In The World
You know what the difference between Russian hackers and Microsoft?
Russian hackers don’t have the balls to charge you upfront for their malware.
I cannot express fully just how much I detest windows 10.
LeBron is in Jesus mode right now.
He’s going to go away for three days, leaving his followers alone?
Now he’s definitely never coming to Portland.
“Tranna ain’t got no balls.”
-some shithead that is correct
No more Peter King?!
DO SOMETHING, SI!
“Yes, do something!” – Mexican NFL fans
Do you guys think Peter can be convinced that he is actually a Zypod and must return home to the moon so that he doesn’t die?
So if a team had a bunch of injuries or something and was short Canucks, would they have to sign Litre or someone out of the stands to play the first snap and then bail? Or do they have to keep him in?
Well at 42 I dont have the pace anymore but can still catch so sign me up!
Shazier also only has to pay PA income tax (or not) and not in every state that he would be paid for playing in, in those states with income taxes. Being a pro player kind of fucking sucks.
Boo-fucking-hoo
You know, aside from the spinal injury part.
“I feel ya there”
– 70%-ish of Ryan Shazier
I’m a horrible person because I can’t stop laughing at this.
Room in that express elevator to hell for one more?