The World Cup pivots today to only two start times. There are four games, but matches from the same group are played at the same time. The heart sinks when we remember Saturday Day 3 [wistful sigh], when the four matches were played one after the other. Truly an orgy of sloth.
Via tenor.com
Yes, the slorgies were great, but the stakes are higher now. These games will eliminate the remaining ballast for the knockout round and a trend should continue: attacking teams getting results. Switzerland took it to Brazil and got a point (1-1), then outwilled Serbia (2-1) by NOT sitting back. México is relentless and got 6/6 points. Belgium and England are HAWT, matching Russia (RUSSIA!) as the top scorers so far: 8 goals in two games each. Colombia seemed increasingly fearless in that 3-0 trouncing against Poland. An attacking mindset has also kept Australia competitive. Los Socceroos got deserved penalties in a loss to heavyweight France (2-1) and in a hard fought 1-1 with Denmark.
Speaking of which, the most penalties awarded in a World Cup was 18 (Japan / South Korea 2002). That’s 18 after 64 games. With 32 games played already, there have been 16 penalties awarded in Russia 2018, with another 32 games left. I hope that inspires teams to get more balls in the area, and not just more flopping chances.
Via youtube.com
These next four days will determine if we get a knockout round free of overachieving, defensive teams (ohai Iran, Iceland, and Sweden). Must-see TV? No, this is a mandate for truancy, and that’s without counting the titanic clash tomorrow between Nigeria and Los Hindenburgos. The two start times promote half-day hooky; elaborate excuses are OK, but “Skip And Apologize After The Fact” works just as well. Do pick your spots, unless you’re an asskisser. If you are, enjoy your long lunches for the remainder of the tournament, but please: don’t be smug to your peers about the effectiveness of your groveling. Have some dignity, asshole.
GROUP A MATCHES – 9:00 AM CENTRAL
Let’s have a look at the table:
Yep, all that’s at stake is top seeding.
Saudi Arabia vs Egypt – Volgograd
Both teams are attempting to save some face. Russia and Uruguay should each send Sergio Ramos a fruit* basket for injuring Mo Salah in the Champions League final.
* dildo
Predicción: I will not care.
Balls: I’m thinking there will be an empty stadium for this one. The poor people of Volgograd are probably wondering what they did to deserve this. I mean, it’s not like they failed to meet their grain quotas…
Predicción: Mohamed Salah retires from international football with a 2-0 win that means nothing.
Wakezilla: This game is important because of all the geopolitics involved. A win for Saudi Arabia will bring a certain level of prestige to their kingdom, especially for Muhammad bin Salman. In case you have been living under a rock, Western news has done everything to make sure he looks like an angel,and figuratively sucks his dick.* Even Oprah jumped on the bandwagon to praise this mother fucker that runs a country that conducts DAESH style beheadings.. There’s so much spinning in those articles, you’d think they were Saudi press releases. To save you the trouble of reading all of that, they paint him as a visionary reformer, fighting against the establishment, when he’s a power hungry dictator who arrested dozens of high-ranking relatives, kidnapped the prime minister of Lebanon, and conveniently had eight of his political rivals die in a helicopter crash. Here he is portrayed as some sort of women’s champion. The truth is, he’s a piece of shit war criminal. Yet, the same news media outlets are usually mute when six major women’s rights advocates have been detained by Saudi authorities and face the death penalty. But hey, at least they still don’t stone people for being witches, right? Nope. Even slavery is still rampant. It’s estimated that there are over 92,000 slaves in Saudi Arabia and that 40.47/100 people are vulnerable to slavery.
تنبؤ: Egypt wins 2-1 because fuck Muhammad bin Salman
*My favorite is the Washington Post link for the sheer fact that their slogan “Democracy Dies in Darkness” is over a press release for a power-grabbing hereditary crown prince of an absolute monarchy.
Uruguay vs Russia – Samara
There’s been talk, there’s been talk.
Maybe [Roman] Zobnin is a clean athlete. Maybe all the Russian footballers are clean athletes. Maybe they ran 5km further than Egypt because they drink rooster blood. Maybe the right back is superman. Maybe Russia are the best team at closing down since Spain, “we didn’t dope”, won the 2010 World Cup.
That’s from New Zealander Mark Reason, a journalist with 25 years of experience. I’m not saying that the Russians are doping. All I’m saying is what people are saying, people whose job is to say things and have some corroboration before saying them. Wait: Trump would never allude to corroboration. Shit; I thought I had #nailed that bit.
Uruguay defeated the worst two teams in the tournament by 1-0 scores. They did not show much in the Egypt (without Salah) game, and seemed to be playing a friendly against Saudi Arabia, moving the ball around without any clear aim. The young midfielders have been getting minutes (Vecino, Betancur, Nahitán, and Laxalt), and it’s reported that they will be prominent: clogging the wings and creating a funnel, to stop the Russian offense. I think Uruguay is still tinkering in preparation for the knockouts, but pride won’t let the charrúas allow more than a goal.
Predicción: Uruguay 2 : 1 Russia.
Balls: Don T is spot on in his assessment of Uruguay. They are just waiting to see whether they get matched up with Spain or Portugal. This game, therefore, does not matter as that will get decided three hours after this one ends.
As far as the doping allegations, it wouldn’t surprise me if anyone on Russia’s team tested positive. However, no one on ANY team has tested positive for anything so far, so take that as you will. In any case, running longer doesn’t automatically make a team put the ball in the net, so I don’t really care if they ARE doping.
Predicción: Russia will keep rolling along and scoring goals since Uruguay will go through the motions and save themselves for the next game. Call it a 2-1 win to make Putin happy.
Wakezilla: As Balls already mentioned, there has been speculation about the Russian team and PEDs. Truth be told, there are a handful of teams that I question if they’re doping. Japan’s best and oldest players were flying around in the 90th minute and looked like they could play another game. Same goes for the Swiss, who were running circles around the Serbs in their match three days ago. For fuck sake Shaqiri was glowing green when he took off his shirt!
Predicción: PEDs or not, Russia isn’t going to beat a determined Uruguay squad. Uruguay will beat Russia 1-0 and take on the runner up in Group B.
GROUP B MATCHES – 1:00 PM CENTRAL
In sum, all have a chance except Morocco.
Spain vs Morocco – Kaliningrad
Spain has gotten four points after that dynamite 3-3 against Portugal and a 1-0 against A Bus Named Iran:
Via @Llourinho, postimg.com
I think Spain does not seem affected by having their manager fired two days before their debut. Morocco is playing out the string, with only national pride at stake—which means something in this match.
Ceuta and Melilla are two Spanish cities that are located here,
Let’s say around Morocco, ’cause both are enclaves under the Spanish crown (O the prestige). Are Moroccans mad about it? You bet! In 2002 several Moroccan officers occupied the Island of Parsley near Melilla, and Spain sent about 28 troops, retaking the bland herb reserves. I’m betting Moroccans will fight for payback, as being spoiler in a Big Deal International Tournament is a great outlet for colonial resentment.
Predicción: España 1 : 1 Marruecos
Balls: The Moroccan-Spanish Mutual Hatred society is alive and strong. The Spanish don’t like the Moops any more than the Moops like them. Something about Crusades and occupation and stuff like that. Yes, that’s on both sides.
This will be a tough and hotly-contested game in which the higher level of skill and genius will win out. We may get about five yellow cards in this one. As we all know, there is one team here better than the other.
Predicción: España 2 Marruecos 1
Wakezilla: Fuck Sergio Ramos. I’ll be rooting for Morocco against Spain like:
Predicción: As much as I’d love to see Morocco draw or beat Spain, they have been snake bitten. What’s worse, Spain will want to win the group to (likely) play Russia in the Round of 16. So this game will end up like this:
Spain 3, Morocco 0.
Iran vs Portugal – Saransk
Can you imagine if Portugal loses and is left out of the knockout stage, and Iran gets in?
Via giphy.com
Ronaldo has that world-beater look. Any Group A opponent would have a difficult game against Portugal in the kncokouts. Then there’s Iran, an usually overmatched eyesore. Their 1-0 win against Morocco came on an injury time own goal. It’s maybe the most twbs of all: Morocco was more aggressive but lost. (Deserve’s got nothing to do with it smgdh.) But Iran got a Karma Beatch! moment when it lost to Spain 1-0, the “goal” coming on a ricochet off Diego Costa. Since Iran has not scored ANY goals, it loses all tiebreakers with Spain or Portugal–unless Iran were to score 4 on Portugal. No way.
Predicción: Portugal 2 : 0 Iran.
Balls: Cristiano Ronaldo has been sitting at training camp watching these games thinking, “Fuck, these assholes are getting a lot of goals!” If there is one thing Ronaldo wants outside of winning this tourney is to be top scorer. Luckily for him, he plays Iran and their lack of offense.
Prediction: Ronaldo scores one and sets up another in a 2-0 win.
Wakezilla: Ronaldo has been extra measty his first two games by scoring 4 goals. Seeing how he’s three goals away from scoring the most in a single tournament, I’d like to see him do it. With Messi likely not making it out of group stage, lets have at least one of the greatest players of all time have success this tournament. I’ll be rooting for Portugal to go far so we can (hopefully) see Ronaldo straight up shatter the record for most goals in the tournament. Forget 7, lets see him score 10 goals!
Carlos Queiroz has done a hell of a job managing Iran. They won a match and took it to Spain in a 1-0 loss. When asked how he could stop Ronaldo, he said “Well, I could suggest to the Portugal coach, Fernando Santos, he should rest Ronaldo for this game.” Iran is being realistic about their chances, which might actually help them be more loose.
Predição: Ronaldo will not be stopped and will score in the 69th minute, giving Portugal the 1-0 win. Despite suffering sanctions from teams and sponsors, Iran took it to all three teams in Group B. They have earned the respect of the lesser footy world.
So, soccer-knowledgeable folks: was a yellow card the correct call, or are they just too chicken to red-card Ronaldo? (Or, borderline case?)
Suck it Ramos you cock!
Goddammit Morocco, get your shit together.
– Erwin Rommel
Holy shit…it worked.
I’m magic.
You beat HIV?
Hehehehe…oh you!!!!!
MORE OF ROCCO!!!
I set up my phone as a wifi hotspot with the name “Trump is Putin’s Bitch”. Now whenever I’m in public and people search for wifi that message will show up.
“Now there’s a cheeky move.”
-Soccer announcer
It’s insanely easy to do on android: Settings -> wireless and networks (more) -> tethering and portable hotspot -> set up wifi hotspot -> network name.
Set it up with a password so people can’t mooch your data, and then just leave the hotspot active.
Or you use a router/portable hotspot to divert people (mooching off yer internet) to a full-screen and nigh-unkillable meatspin video 😉
How badly am I doing in the pool?
My actual question, not just a Natalie Wood quote.
“God, this bitch.”
Charles Krauthammer-like?
Excellent.
He made his own picks, so I’d say more Kate Spade.
Dramatic re-creation of current standings:
You are 13th. Me, I have my ass stuck in pool drain and am drowning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNd02YLcqA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7Wrcd9Y0mA
Now is the time in lesser footy when we attend the William Shatner school of overacting.
That started with the opening whistle.
bye the bye-my workplace has almost 50 employees and not a single one is following the World Cup. Not a one.
You must work with true ‘Muricans.
True Canucks, apparently.
I don’t keep track of who is in what country, actually I have enough trouble with my name, the wife’s bday and our anniversary.
You work in the White House?
/beaten to “working in the Trump Administration” joke
Think he’ll disinvite the winners to the white house? Despite no plans for them to go anyway?
I mean, if Russia wins…
I sneaked/snuck/snaked out of work. Which game are we eye-humping?
Both,lol, though I’m starting to notice a serious flaw with VR glasses – namely, that pints of lager aren’t properly supported (and tracked) by WMR. On the plus side – I can watch the 2 games side by side and check up you if I look down at hell.. where we’ll all end up 😀
WOW!!!! Bellend keeper denies the best player in the world!
That’s just a good job by the keeper.
Best player in the world?! FUCK THAT! This is the best player in the world and he ain’t playing (thank Gamblor)
Cubbins McStainmont.
How dare you, peasant?! How can’t you not recognize Saint Niklas the Bendtner, patron saint of sunday booze league sub-in strikers and road graders EVERYWHERE?!
I made a case for De Bruyne in my Belgium preview, but fuck me, I saw that Spain match. Bananacakes. You don’t see one man shows in Lesser Footy like that (v. quality opposition) very often.
My kid, noticing soccer is on the TV: “Didn’t the US win the Women’s World Cup?”
Me: “Uh, yeah, I think they did.”
Kid: “Ha! Proves that women are superior!”
Me: “Yes, empirically, because there are no flaws in your statement.”
Women are indeed superiour and I’m not saying that just because my wife has a hot cup of tea within easy striking distance of my crotch 😀
I see someone else has figured out the key to marriage.
Self preservation, self medication and common interests and passions? 😀
The first two, anyway.
I read a really heartwarming story not long ago about a woman whose husband always managed to produce a cup of tea for her when she wanted one (I guess she really liked tea) and after he died she was going through his clothes and found that he kept teabags everywhere so he’d always be able to do that.
Aw, that’s sweet. He was able to teabag her any time she wanted it.
Awww, that hits me right in the feels. I also can relate courtesy of installing an arduino controller to wirelessly start the tea machine whenever needed 🙂
If being honest, there are maybe 1 in 10 men who would deny female superiority as a general principle. I mean, Christ, just look at ourselves.
No, I’m with you on that. But I think your estimate is way too optimistic.
Chicks Rule!!!!
(I’m safe now, right?)
In all seriousness….push a full term baby out of your body, then get back to me.
Right? We are whiny little bitches comparatively.
Just the bleeding once a month for several days and not dying makes me give them mad props.
some very upset, swarthy folk in that there stadium
I mean, it deserved a penalty.
Allah disagreed, apparently
This electrified tennis racket flyswatter is my favorite thing in the universe.
Would it work on, say, Press Secretaries?
My question was cockroaches, but 6 of one, half dozen of the other.
It’s very gratifying, sadly not close to 100% effective.
Waterboarding works better on gnats.
Really? Mine has worked wonderfully. It doesn’t always spark, but if I make contact it always kills them.
^ This guy gets it.
(doubles as Spanos Swatter™)
/Waits for LCSS to send advertising royalties
“His favorite right foot?” I thought only Rex Ryan and Tarantino had more than one favorite right foot.
“mmmHEY that’smmnotNICE”
– Christy Brown
What a shot by not-Ronaldo!
Impressive shot.
Yes-Ronaldo can stew in his jelly over the half, then come out and entertain us.
Evenin’ pervosaurs. How’re ya this fine [insert proper drinking time here]
Pretending to work while watching footy.
Ouch! If ya want, we can trade – supposedly watching over 4 kids and 3 dogs vs me doing your work 😀
Sounds like someone needs to invest in the bulk bottle of Benedryl.
Nah, I’ve plopped the kiddos in front of their computers and unlocked the good stuff outta my Steam and Ubisoft library… 8 isn’t too young for Splinter Cell, right?
I bought my niece a very violent 1st person shooter Steam game earlier so she’d leave me the hell alone.
So….no, I guess.
1st violent game for a younger niece? Colour me intrigued (unless it was like CoD, then.. colour me er… yeah… )
Sadly no, not the first. I was just the last to cave to her sociopathic homicidal tendencies.
/locks bedroom door every night
“sociopathic homicidal tendencies” aka growing up. Don’t worry, this too shall pass, also she can totally get you without ever opening the door,lol – she just needs some tubing and carbon monoxide… Therefore remember to bribe well and bribe ofter, or ELSE XD
Impressive set piece by Iran there.
yeah, just bad luck on the header
Suck it, Spain.
the ever-dangerous side with nothing to lose…
– God, during the summer of 1588
Or July 1936 or or May 1808
they can’t take a hint
Tell me about it.
Iran’s keeper seems a bit of a bellend, no?
OK, so I already know I’m a schadenfreudian jerk, but still…
I just ran out to run some errands quickly. While I was out, I arrived at a 4-way stop intersection. We still have those in the country, but at least it’s better than a roundabout, sort of.
I arrived at this intersection just a second or two later than three other cars heading in the other three directions, all three of which arrived more or less simultaneously. And as fate would have it, those folks apparently have forgotten the rules in their driver’s handbook regarding right of way.
They all took off thru the intersection simultaneously, and hit one another. Hilarity ensued.
I carefully proceeded around this circle jerk and then pulled to the side to go back and make sure no one was injured or whatever. As I walked back toward the intersection, 3 elderly people (all unhurt, fortunately it was a very low speed accident) were already out of their cars and arguing about whose fault it was.
I stopped, giggled for a moment, then turned and got back in Dave and got the hell outta there.
PLEASE tell me you have a dashcam. That needs Benny Hill music dubbed over that footage immediately.
Haha, I wish I did.
Although in most instances, a dashcam might lead to my arrest and conviction. Today however, I was innocent.
The mail truck has right of way, ppl forget that.
I’ll say this much for soccer…
The do start matches on time instead of sitting around circle jerking for 20 minutes.
At least Portugal-Iran has a brit doing commentary
There’s footage of Ronaldo pleading with Iranian fans to let him sleep the night before the game.
I hope he scores 5 and thanks the Iranian fans who kept him up a night for pissing him off.
On a related note, how is there no athlete’s village? Fans being that close to the players seems dangerous
I fucking hate Ronaldo but that kind of treatment should be reserved for Tom Brady only.
Like the end of my new favourite song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUNgHDC7r44
Ronaldo should have brought the half-dozen physically perfect models he was sleeping with to the window and said “Hey! My harem needs rest!”
God dammit Misr, you had one job, beat the fucking Saudis.
/Flips table.
I hope a Moroccan takes out Ramos’ knee for denying us an Egyptian win(s)
One of the commentators here on Telemundo looks like the Argentinian version of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
“Yo soy solo un cavernícola…”
About time the Saudi men got a break.
Are they going to Bahrain after the match?
Cavani breaks his Russian ?, 3rd clean sheet for Muslera.
Chicos,
https://youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=GO3K9SIg-dg
Let’s see: Saudi has a ton of slaves, openly kills religious and visual minorities, demands women to stay at home and can stone them to death for just about anything. No wonder the Republican party loves them so much
1-1 in the participation ribbon game. Yalla Misr!
I thought I drank too much and blacked out yesterday, but it turns out the Netflix movie my wife was watching was just that forgettable.
“When you’re down a man and get the ball in the box, what you really want to do is kick it around and make that extra pass, because in no way will that extra man come back and bite you in the ass*.”
-Russian coach, apparently.
*Literally, when you’re playing Uruguay
“I don’t recommend searching this on Pornhub.”
– BallsofSteelandFury
Well shit, now I want to hear Meola try to solve algebra problems for the next 40 minutes.
Russia red card, Uruguay up 2-0.
Ugh, I’m still sleepy. Lemme stretch
Ooooh, aren’t we fancy?
Boorishness is a sin
/scarfs hot dog
Meola needs some PEDs; guy sounds like he just woke up.
Sent off to the gulag.
I hear the Kamchatka Peninsula is lovely this time of year.
and then there were 10? Should be a fun 2nd half.
So now they’re stuck with 10. Let’s see if the doping kicks in…
So…perhaps the real Fightin’ Biters and Coca Bros. have showed up to properly represent Sudamerica after all. We may have some knockout fireworks to enjoy.
I was just thinking that Uruguay, this version anyway, vs. Spain or Portugal would be very entertaining.
Russia vs. either Spain or Portugal, eh, not so much.
well, entertaining in a Schadenfreude way only
I bet that Russian goalie will stop the bullet Putin will be sending his way, probably by a header.
Doping hasn’t scored any goals yet…
Pretty sure Suarez scored the first g…Oh. “Doping”
I thought you said “Douche”
I’m pretty sure “Douche” has scored 90% of ALL the goals in this World Cup.
Soccer players are not very likable…
I find Lukaku very, very likable. Even Fuckface Kane just has a face that makes me mad.
Lukaku is my favorite player in the tournament. I’m rooting for Belgium because I love his game.
It was an absolute joy to have him in Everton colours, and I will never forget it. Breaks my heart that he missed that penalty in the FA Cup semifinals, and with it the only chance he had at silverware (our fault, not his). He really took ownership of that match, which is something else I love about Big Rom.
He never, ever hides.
It’s almost like being pampered from an early age and incredibly overpaid while worshipped by rabid fans who will excuse nearly any bad behavior on your part turns one into an unrepentant asshole.
/autoreply
If URU wins, then I can safely cheer FOAR Iran to help my Lukaku prop bet, without helping the Rooskies.
It doesn’t matter.
They’d fookin’ beat Iran! But yeah, the Lesser Footy multi-verse don’t exactly bend to Hippo’s will. 😀
That was a nice goal
Suarez was hungry for that one.
taking a bite out of Russian momentum, chuh chuh!
Tony Meola sounds just like Troy Aikman. It’s uncanny.
Meola always sounds like he wants a sandwich.
If you think RUS is not juiced, I’ve got a great promise of cheaper, better, universal health care for all through nothing more than rising premiums and gutting the individual mandate and preexisting conditions!
After watching soccer Friday afternoon, and all day Saturday and Sunday, this whole ‘working from work’ situation blows.
So we’re all watching Russia Uruguay right?
I’m not ditching work (saving that for the afternoon) to watch another media handjob for Putin and his rampant skulduggery. I can watch Fox News any day or time for that.
Psht. Seguro.
Yup
If you have a king, you are like Saudi Arabia and you fucking suck. Up yours, England.
Funny how much evil they stuck into one group, where I still ended up cheering for the Camelfucking Saudis twice, and now Uruguay once.
If my maths are right, the only way that Iran tiebreak could come into play is if Iran draw Portugal 4-4, and Spain loses to Moops. Now, I will GAMBLOR on almost anything…
There’s no way the Russian team isn’t roided to the gills. They were the lowest ranked team in the tournament and now they look like world-beaters. Granted they’ve played shit opponents and probably aren’t getting past the first knock-out game, but they simply don’t have the credibility for me to believe that this startling improvement didn’t come from a chemistry set.
I think the shit opponents part has a lot to do with it.
No doubt. Still, Russian history and a +8 goal differential seems a but much.
For a leader of the proletariat, Lenin had very chubby thighs.
Mickey should dial it back on the Adderall.
Unrepentant materialism, just the thing to bring Lenin and Jesus together.
Shoulda done crossfit, bruh…I mean comrade!