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Your “I’ll Pluck You!” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL News:

  • It might be early, but the Packers defence is already half-done for the year: Jake Ryan is out for the season with an ACL tear.
    • Immediate replacements are rookie Oren Burks, the team’s third-round pick of the 2018 NFL Draft, and second-year pro Ahmad Thomas.
      • They may also wait until pre-season cut downs to pick someone up.
  • There can only be one diva: Eric Decker is working out for the Patriots.
    • A free agent, he could be a four-game stopgap while Edelman serves his suspension.
    • I don’t think Belichick will cotton to the reality show, since the Guerrero-TB12 show is plenty enough for him.
  • Differences in tax regulations are also in the way of completing a deal for Khalil Mack.
    • Like Gruden, Mack wants his deal back-loaded so that more money is carried over to Nevada residency, to avoid California’s 13.3% state income tax.
      • That would mean either signing a 1+1 deal prior to the move, or a multi-year deal with more of the money pushed to the later years.
      • Nevada is one of 13 states with no state income tax.
    • Also not helping: the fact that neither side has spoken to the other since February.
      • With Gruden instead shit-talking the 2017 Raiders defence in media interviews.

Finally, as Maestro will cover later this week in his award-adjacent “CFL Beat“, it’s Johnny Fucking Football time in the CFL this Friday.

  • Manziel is starting against the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, who are 6.5 point favourites.
  • The game will be broadcast on ESPN2.
    • Even before this, it was a scheduled broadcast. Now, it will get actual press coverage & possibly advertising.

To get you ready for the game, please refresh your knowledge of the Quebec national anthem.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X36_5JYt8yY

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLS Soccer All-Star Game:
    • MLS All-Stars vs. Juventus – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Rockies at Cardinals – 8:00PM | Sportsnet

Don’t forget – while there’s shit-all on tonight, Open Threads return tomorrow night with the Hall of Fame Game. FOOTBAW’S BACK, BABY!

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Senor Weaselo

Has anyone posted this yet? Feels like it’s necessary.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sVVl2EKgUU

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think I speak for everyone when I say: fuck the Quebecoise

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’ve gone from a classic mint julep to a haphazardly prepared mint julep to now just pouring whiskey in a glass and pretending it tastes kind of minty.

2
Mr. Ayo

I’m just drinking out of a plastic vodka bottle. Not even pretending.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gum would help

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

Here’s the California weed I bought down the street tonight:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

I’ve got a bit of a stomach bug that started earlier this evening. right before dinner. I was feeling fine all day, right up until then; nausea, wanted to retch, what have you. I took an anti-nausea pill when we got home, and it’s mostly worked.

All I’ve had tonight has been bourbon and beer. No stomach ache, so that’s good, right?

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Mr. Ayo

You clearly went too long without bourbon. Set an alarm next time.

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SonOfSpam

Bourbon and beer with an upset stomach?

Did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too???

3
WCS

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Brick Meathook

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WCS

What are “the first selfies?” I’ll take Ancient Egypt for $1400.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, these vintage Where’s Waldo puzzles are hard.

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Fronkenshteen

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Mr. Ayo

I’ve never understood WW1 strategies.

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Fronkenshteen

Oh! Also! Young Fronkenshteen was introduced to HARD CORE PORN recently. He’s 6 1/2. FUNNY STORY!

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SonOfSpam

Oh, that’s embarrassing. I didn’t realize his age from his e-mail name.

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Senor Weaselo

Go on…

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SonOfSpam

Evening, gents.

(looks at banner quote)

Sweet.

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Brick Meathook

I am now the former banner quote guy. My reign has ended. Thusly.

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SonOfSpam

Take it back in a bloody coup. Or bloody stool, whatevs.

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WCS

The quote is dead. Long live the quote.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My favorite ever joke from the Simpsons is when Hank Scorpio throws away his shoes and says “ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?” and Homer chuckles and says “Yes, once.”

My favorite ever joke from Futurama is when the eighties guy talks about the Safety Dance and Fry points out that “that dance wasn’t as safe as they said it was.”

I think for both of them it’s the sense of mystery, the nonsensical nature of the response that begs the question of what the actual incident was.

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SonOfSpam

Very much enjoy “Yes, once”

I also really want Archer to do a 4th of Ju-Luau episode, but I fear they’re running outta time.

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Brick Meathook

Scorpio: If you need anything you call me!

Homer: Allright. What’s the number?

Scorpio: I never had to call my own company. (explosions happen on the backgroung and Scorpio grabs a flamethrower) Someone will tell you upstairs. But Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, that would help me a lot. (Scorpio attacks the invading soldiers with fire while Homer sadly leaves the building)

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Wakezilla

Glow season 2 was fucking awesome. I can’t wait for season 3

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A chopped contestant just made the pitch that she should make it through because she might do better next round.

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WCS

That’s the same argument I tell wifey every time after sex, and it’s worked for 13 years.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

You must watch Tony Stockwell’s Psychic School. It used to be on Netflix.

Believe me, you’ll enjoy the viewing experience.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“What’sss your name?”

“Random Smith, yours?”

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Brick Meathook

Somewhere, someplace, is the film from that one dude’s camera:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

We find out the sex of Young Fronkenshteen: The Sequel tomorrow afternoon.

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Mr. Ayo

Are you going to assume their gender?

Hoping for a second healthy Fronkenthing.

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Fronkenshteen

Right. Little man had a clubbed foot. Correctable, but shit, no infant should begin life in a series of casts. Then they cut the Achilles’ tendon. Christ, I don’t want to go through that again.

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SonOfSpam

Thank Shiva they don’t form memories that early. My kid had a immune issue they couldn’t figure out and spent the first month of her life in the hospital, including two spinal taps. Because of the immunity thing, she was housed in the pediatric oncology ward. She ended up perfectly fine, and many many children in that ward did not.

Point being, there is no God, I guess.

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Fronkenshteen

The existence of the people who are able to work in those wards reminds me of Christ, and therefore gives me hope in faith. Don’t know that I’ll ever get to Faith, though…

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SonOfSpam

Damn, you’re right on that. Doing the work of the Lord.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nothing has ever touched me as much as when I was on a job in the pediatric ward and I had a few free minutes to read the letters from families whose children those doctors and nurses had saved.

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Mr. Ayo

Oof. Best of luck this time around.

1
WCS

Lil’ WCS spent her five first days in the NICU, because her lungs weren’t developed, jaundice, whatever the hell bilirubin is. That was… an experience. At least the Ice Stillers won the Eastern Conference during our stay.

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Fronkenshteen

How’s she doing now? What is she, about 18 months? I hope none of those conditions lingered.

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WCS

Turned two back in May, and doing great. She’s climbing on everything, destroying everything in her path, and has an amazing vocabulary.

Not a single issue to report, per her last pediatric visit. Outside of the normal falling down or running into something that toddlers do, she’s absolutely fine.

Your’s will be too. It’s scary at first, but, kids are amazingly resilient.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s kind of funny that your username already has a built-in diminutive. Unlike Blax, who demanded* an entire THREAD just to come up with a name.

*Dramatization. May not have happened.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

This is the place I never pretend. Hell, I even wished you guys a happy NFL Sunday before checking myself into the looney bin. THAT’S FRIENDSHIP DAMMIT!

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Fronkenshteen

A built in diminutive AND wife (who was played by Madeline Kahn!)http://25.media.tumblr.com/5749d77247052916531ff13ede6673f0/tumblr_myfz3buzak1r1ad86o2_250.gif

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Wakezilla

That’s fun. I hope the kid co-operates for you so the technician can see the gender

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Fronkenshteen

Me too. I’ve been chatting with the belly bump quite a bit, so I’m hoping to get that little pollywog jiggling!

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SonOfSpam

Fingers crossed for hermaphrodite!

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Fronkenshteen

[crosses genitals]

– hermaphrodite

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hey have you guys been following the Manafort trial? Did you read about the $15,000 coat he bought? LOCK HIM UP!”

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Fronkenshteen

/dies

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Mr. Ayo

Nailed it!

-Blair Walsh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

The Atlanta Airport: Soooo, you thought St. Louis sucked, huh?

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Brick Meathook

Go to Popeye’s and grab an ice-cold Coca Cola

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blaxabbath

We were starving on our flight back from Jamaica and picked up an entire pizza at ATL.

Stupid dicks on then plAne refuses our offers to provide them with slices.

Mon ??

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Fronkenshteen

Had an ex-girlfriend get me back in touch with an old high school friend. One of my best. We played travel soccer together and really hit it off, with sports and humor being the glue. He’s got a couple of kids and is going through a miserable fucking divorce. He said he needed distractions in his life, so I offered him co-ownership of my fantasy football money league team. He happily and excitedly accepted. So over the course of the upcoming season, we’re gonna get to know each other again (it’s been 25 years) and hopefully, help get him through this shitty period in his life. Anyway, here’s to fucking NFL football.
/hoists glass
//falls backwards off stool

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

WHAHT THE FACKIN FACK?!?

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Fronkenshteen

This made me snarf beer out my nose.

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Wakezilla

It fahkin figures a guy wearing a Gannett jersey would be so flamboyant. Shoulda been wearing Bird, budday

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blaxabbath

So I hired a guy about a month ago (maybe more?) to be a project coordinator for me. It’s a pretty loose use of the title — I just need someone organized who can pay attention to some details. The guy I got is really quiet and chill, which I like, but I am convinced he’s going the route of just trying to hide in his office and throwing deliverables out and hoping they’re right or that someone else with just fix it.

He left early today so when I got to the office late, he was gone. I made a list of the errors I was seeing and sent him a brief email to block out 8:30a for us to go over the common problems I am seeing because we need to tighten things up. I’m kind of doubtful it will catch but I was gone for about a week with the kid getting born so, since he actually does have some potential, I figure I’ll try.

I get home about 7p here to complete some proposals and pull out the bid takeoffs he did for these jobs. I shouldn’t have to still be checking his work but that’s a topic for tomorrow morning. Anyways, it’s only three plans and I get to the second one and he just did not do like 60% of the takeoff. Just left it blank. Didn’t even bother to make sure the sheet looked filled in before he turned it over to me (mind you, he has plenty of fucking time to complete his tasks).

So I’m just gonna fire the guy. I don’t really like firing people but this dude just isn’t the right fit.

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blaxabbath

Which leads to my follow up — best way to fire someone?

1
Redshirt

Friday before lunch.

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Shogun Marcus

My wife’s company did it to her employee Monday at 8. Cold.

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Redshirt

Geez. You don’t do that first thing of the week. Unless then their an asshole so you hit them at the timeclock.

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WCS

Like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz9810Y7ZRw&ab_channel=SethMinnich

4
herodotus450

The key is to have a good catch phrase and hand motion. And if you get good enough at it, who knows where you’ll end up…

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Fronkenshteen

Kids In The Hall have it right.
https://youtu.be/PJtBaj5dXfU

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, he needs Dale Gribble.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7WiGmr6Olg

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Wakezilla

Do it tomorrow. Clear out his desk, call him in and tell him this:

*Enter fired person’s name here*, I’m saying
Stay getting to that broke shit ain’t in my plan
Sleep with the dead, I’ma grind every day that I can
Gots seven kids, and I gotta make sure all of them they fed
By any means
Can’t be no excuses, my children can’t eat no excuses
My daughter can’t sleep in excuses
My son needs to be with paper like keep your excuses
If you ain’t producing, you’re useless, that’s why I’m out here getting to it
Fresh out the booth, I go straight to the stage
Then, I go straight to get paid
Hunnid’ I earned, fifty I saved
My bitch don’t be cleaning up, I need a maid
She don’t be cooking, so I need a chef
You ain’t giving me nuthin’, I get it myself
I’m doing my thing, and I did it to death
Stacking them chips, getting that dough
Millions, need me a couple hundo
Big mansion with a double front do’
Pretty young thang in a new condo
Pray to God, stay rich, stay humble”

He’ll get it

1
Dolph Ucker

“This is the hardest job a manager has to do, but the organization has decided to make a change.”

1
Brick Meathook

There is no “i” in “team.” There’s no “you” either. You’re fired.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…this dude just isn’t the right fit.

You sound just like Deanna Favre.

1
herodotus450

Some Spanish 102 for RTD:
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herodotus450

Brightest timeline idea that I saw somewhere else but is now mine: John Harbaugh leaves the Biltmore Ravens and goes to osu. Every osu-mich game has a 30 minute blackout as a new tradition.

4
WCS

How long does Jack Harbaugh mandate John and Jim fight each other shirtless before Thanksgiving dinner is served? My guess is 30 minutes.

3
herodotus450

It is a common practice that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is wrestled to the floor and pinned.

3
WCS

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You know every family dinner begins with Jack yelling these exact words to everyone seated. In fact, Jack sued in the 1990s for stealing his bit.

5
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“I’m worried about the Buckeyes, not black eyes or free tattoos on black guys. That’s all I am going to say on the topic.”

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Shogun Marcus

As long as the candy is unaffected, we’re good.

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Reminds Buddy of the time he walked ass naked into a Spencer’s after a three day mescalin bender

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m learning español, and one of the things I’m doing to improve my listening comprehension now that the World Cup is over is to watch Los Simpsons.

2
Mr. Ayo

¿La Doh or El Doh?

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You know what’s crazy? I don’t think I’ve heard him say it yet. I’m only three episodes in, so it’s possible I might have just missed it.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

He doesn’t.

If you really want to learn Spanish, watch Univision and Telemundo.

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Mr. Ayo

tu no eres mi jefe

comete mis pantalones

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was watching Telemundo during the World Cup. Los Simpsons actually has really good potential because I know the episodes so well (especially golden era ones) it’s like having subtitles right in my head.

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

MONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAIL

6
Redshirt

gruñido molesto

1
Brick Meathook

How do you say “ay caramba” in Spanish?

2
Ian Scott McCormick

Centrar sostiene

1
Brick Meathook

Ya see? Yukon Johnny is already selling tickets. That’s a good investment, Mon Frere!

2
Redshirt

Boy, I miss football. I know the first preseason football is tomorrow, but I wouldn’t mind some football news to—

NO! WAIT! I DIDN’T FINISH! IT DOESN’T COUNT IF I DON’T FINISH!

https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/ohio-state-places-coach-urban-meyer-on-administrative-leave-pending-investigation/

SON OF A BITCH!

2
WCS

Somewhere inn Ann Arbor, Jim Harbaugh is jerking off all over his new khakis while eating raw venison.

4
Mr. Ayo

That’s just spilled milk, honey!

0
Redshirt

I always said Ann Arbor was a whore.

2
herodotus450

Rural Juror Urban Meyerer on paid leave for an investigation.

1
tomsellecksmoustache

How dare you accuse a man with a known heart condition! Don’t you know that he’s named after a pope and therefore absolved of all sins?

3
herodotus450

The Medici’s always pay their debts

2
litre_cola

Rural Juror is one of the best things from 30 Rock.

1
herodotus450

ppl forget Rural Juror is a part of the Honkey Grandma Be Trippin Cinematic Universe.

0
scotchnaut

I heard this for the first time 4 hours ago. The horns, the bass, Candi’s plaintive voice-Damn! I’ve played this about 15 times so far.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txOo9T1jn5Y

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scotchnaut

And then I found this by One eskimO. So brilliant…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_tBHoRaxns

0
scotchnaut

I’m half a dozen times in so far.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Pfft. Candy Station isn’t a real thing…unless…[punches intercom]…Martha! Get me two hundred tootsie rolls and a quarter-mile’s worth of Twizzlers!”

– Andy Reid

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You’re wasting your time, Andy. It’s no more real than the Big Rock Candy Mountain.”

– Jim Tomsula

1
herodotus450

Fun* Fact**: football guys, and all sportsers I think, get paid by the game, a game check if you will. And each game is taxed based on the state that it is played in. So playing in an income tax-free state only affects your home games. And states with no income tax usually have some other tax to make up for it.
*VERY fun.
**POSSIBLY a fact.

1
Beerguyrob

Hey, I’m only copying what Florio is reporting one of his minions discovered on Wikipedia. Don’t shoot the plagiarist.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

The big difference is signing bonus. That is taxed at the rate of the state the team is located in.

Guaranteed contracts usually tie a lot of money up in signing bonuses.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d imagine that is one of the big problems for the Raiders; it’s hard to imagine Mark Davis has the kind of cash on hand that he needs to fork that over.

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