Your “We Need To Talk About Tevin” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Ehh, I’ve talked about him enough. Besides, there are other things to vibrate the vocal cords about. Like, why the heckfire are you gonna watch this oh-so-entertaining shit show? Let’s talk about your childhood-did you fall out of a tree as a youngster? Did you hear your parents make grunting noises through that paper-thin wall your bed was resting against? He wasn’t trying to hurt her, you know. (most likely) Did you take an overnight trip with your best buddies to go see a dead body? Did Mr. Cuddles talk back to you? Did your older sister play “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on repeat while she did your nails? Were you told that “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” was a documentary? Did Uncle Touchy earn his nickname during the celebration after Joe Montana hit Dwight Clark in the end zone? Did you get an erection when you heard about the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion?

If you answered, “I’m not sure” to any of these questions…whoo boy! I don’t think you deserve to have Tevin Coleman on your fantasy roster. He deserves much, much better. Shall we wander over to the tilt at hand on this Thursday “Ya got anything better to do? I didn’t think so” night snoreperience. TO THE GAME!

Them Jets/Them Browns:

Binary code for these two squadoo’s combined record at this point (11011) can be translated loosely as “at least we’re not the Giants, haha” And yet, they still are who they are. Let’s let them off the hook for a wee bit and see how things go.

Amen.

 

 

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SonOfSpam

I think the refs are just talking about how much both teams suck balls.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

As this officiating team looks confused.

Is there 2 professional teams here?

Smithchez

Trumaine Johnson is really trying to speed up the “I got paid, now cut me because I’m garbage!” path Muhammad Wilkerson nearly perfected. At least Wilkerson played well for the Jets before the big contract.

SonOfSpam

He’s gonna go full-Vontae.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

That’s one helluva buttplug.

JustStopDude

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SonOfSpam

I love self-owns.

Redshirt

(JR voice)

My God, that’s Baker Mayfield’s music!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qILOCvvF-cA

Claymaker

At my freshmen orientation they had a little thing where they taught everyone the lyrics and everyone who hadn’t heard it before (including me) thought it was a joke.

Booooooomer Soooooooooooooneeeeeerrrr, OH-KAY-YOU

Redshirt

All freshmen knew the lyrics to OSU’s fight song. The problem is that it ends with three different lyrics. Its like:

Hail, Hail, the gang’s all hears.
(entire crowd sings in tongues)

JustStopDude

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Spanky Datass
Sharkbait

If Baker Mayfield comes in, does he immediately throw a pick six ala Darnold?

Smithchez

If he were playing literally any other team, sure.

King Hippo

just one?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Given the way the Browns’ O-line is playing, I doubt he’ll have time.

jjfozz

THIS GAME, I CALL IT EXTREME TURBULENCE BECAUSE THE JETS KEEP RUNNING INTO SOME AWFUL SHIT

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Smithchez

Oh ok, it’s setting up a Browns comeback with 5 Baker Mayfield TD passes. I get it now.

Brick Meathook

Wasn’t Baker Mayfield a singer back in the early ’70s?

Spanky Datass
jjfozz

I would like all of those dimwits in teh Crown Royal commercial to take a differnt kind of water break: water boarding. Jesus that fucking ad sucks dick.

Brocky

This gonna sound completely fucking insane:

Jets are better than most people want to admit because they’re the fucking jets

Mr. Ayo

You are correct. You do sound batshit crazy.

Brocky

I never said they were good…… just people seem to think they’ve gone 1-32-1 in their last 34 games

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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These roofer we got after the hail storm have some odd methods.

Smithchez

This is going far too well. The Earth migh actually be about to stop on its axis and throw us all hurtling into space.

Redshirt

That won’t throw us into space. It will kill 99% of us and the 1% will pray for death but the planet will still be orbiting the Sun.

We’ll need something to go through the solar system at the right angle with a stronger pull than the Sun to throw us out of orbit.

Redshirt

On nevermind, you mean sudden stop. Yeah, that might do it.

JustStopDude

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Redshirt

It was one asswipe too many.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Not a single person in any FF league that I am involved in has Crowell playing.

Sharkbait

I dont know if anyone is starting him anywhere

SonOfSpam

What about the married guys?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ashley Madison has a fantasy football league?

SonOfSpam

For an extra hundred bucks, you can set someone else’s lineup.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Do we see Mayfield tonight?

SonOfSpam

I hope he plays the theme from Shaft.

litre_cola

I thought that Cleveland’s D was supposed to be good?

SonOfSpam

Delonte West gave LeBron’s mom the Cleveland D.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Claymaker

Silesian peasant woman consoling child while her husband is forcibly conscripted by the local Baron, 1622

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Browns fan; same thing.

SonOfSpam

That’s outstanding.

Redshirt

I just love how the Dawg Pound is booing. Is like “We’re losing? Yeah, okay.” “0-16? Perfect.” “Outplay the Steelers to a draw? Yup, that sound right.”

But it “We’re losing to the Jets? Oh, hell no!”

King Hippo

everyone has a limit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Oh, great. Now I got the “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” theme in my head but with the parody lyrics that starts with “My Little Vibe. My Little Vibe. oh-Oh-AH!”

I can’t say it because the fourth line has a phrase that is definitely rated TV-MA.

Horatio Cornblower
Petronel

HEATH HEMBREE!

…Heath Hembree?

Heath Hembree…just gave up 4 GODDAMMIT

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Insurmountable lead now right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Or Stanton could hit a Grand Slam. That’s cool, I guess, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Smithchez

It’s the Yankees. Nobody is into that sort of thing.

Horatio Cornblower

au contraire, I am very much into that. I need something to get me over the A’s beating them 2-1 in the wild card game.

Smithchez

Yeah, as I watch the Mets constantly trip over their own dicks doing everything they can to cost deGrom a Cy Young, I can really feel some sympathy for the Yankee fans who aren’t all that happy with the monster-person NL MVP they got for fuckin nothing lol. Times must be tough.

Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t seen a World Series win since 2009, I’m dying over here.

King Hippo

Only Luke Voit things are cool.

Redshirt

Yes, Tyrod. Its the receiver’s fault that the pass was underthrown.

Smithchez

“Could I have underthrown that pass? No…….it’s the receivers and the curvature of the Earth that are wrong.”

JustStopDude

So…ballgame….

Redshirt

Not yet. This ain’t baseball. The defense can still score points too, and this is the Jets.

JustStopDude

Counterpoint…Browns.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh. I was hoping you were talking about Kavanaugh.

Redshirt

Not yet. The GOP will force this one through. Short a witness or proof, they’ll force it in.

SonOfSpam

LOL someone in my $$ eliminator pool took the Browns. Awesome.

Smithchez

Spam, LOLing this early by banking on the Jets to not be the Jets? Why would you dare tempt fate like that?

SonOfSpam

Oh, it might work out for him, but the decision is kinda stupefying.

Claymaker

I think every single person in mine took the Vikes.

Horatio Cornblower

Yankees down 2, bases loaded and Stanton strolling to the plate. This is why the Yankees traded for him and took on his enormous salary, so that I could throw my glass right through the fucking TV when he strikes out.

Redshirt

I’m noticing they keep showing the punter, but they’re not showing the blocker that let the free runner to the punter’s kicking foot.

Smithchez

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Redshirt

If my roommate locks the fridge over $10, I’d respond by renting his bedroom to a porn studio when he’s out of town.

Horatio Cornblower

Even better, when he’s in town.

SonOfSpam

An all-male porn studio?

Horatio Cornblower

Tijuana.

Claymaker

“I’m just an simple unfrozen caveman quarterback. Your Cover 2s and your delayed blitzes confuse and frighten me!”

Horatio Cornblower

Didn’t realize this guy was playing…
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Claymaker

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THAT is some good shit right there; banner worthy IMO.

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Sharkbait

I think calling this a “defensive battle” is a bit of a misnomer.

Horatio Cornblower

They were going to go with “cripple fight”, but those assholes in Legal killed it.

Smithchez

Jeremy “Brian Schottenheimer” Bates with these fucking playcalls.

Redshirt

The scoreboard operator’s gonna be pissed. He thought he was going to get a working day off.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, I see the Browns have arrived.

Horatio Cornblower

Look, if you have to go to the bathroom just go. No need to announce it.

Redshirt

Well, its time to pour the apple cider.

SonOfSpam

“Ever since Rikki got married, he couldn’t take a shit without warden’s say-so.”

Smithchez

The Jets….did…..good?

Sharkbait

Just wait. They’ll Jets it up.

SonOfSpam

Browns are still the Brownsiest.

Horatio Cornblower

Son: “These prior notes are awesome. I’m gonna write them all down and get a 100”

Me: “That’s how I got an ‘A’ in Geology. And why I don’t know anything about geology.”

Son: “This isn’t Geology, it’s Archaeology.”

Me: “Same thing. They both end in ‘ology’ and involve digging around in the dirt.”

litre_cola

I would love a 0-0 tie.

Sharkbait

Missed the game until now, watched the last 2 episodes of Sunny. Holy shit.

King Hippo

Using the full ensemble cast. I like it. Artemis and The Waitress are comedic treasure.

Claymaker

If Darnold got hurt on that sack next year the quarterbacks are going to have a flags on.

Brocky

I was gonna wait till a team scores to post this, but well, you know….

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you had, here’s what the photo would have looked like by then.
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SonOfSpam

Stupid looking polyester vest. 2/10.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s not kosher.

Mr. Ayo

Darnold getting hurt would be very Jetsy.

Smithchez

He hasn’t played well enough for it to be Jetsy. He needs to look like Joe Montana and then get hit by a bus or something.

Redshirt

This game is what happenes when a stoppable force meets a moveable object.

Beerguyrob

“The Browns – We’re Pliable!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are you calling the Jets offense a movable object?

Redshirt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lQ955b8SSc

Yes but on a technicality.

Beerguyrob

Nice note of contempt in Joe’s voice with the “settle in” crack.

SonOfSpam

Not sure he could say anything, including wedding vows, without a note of contempt.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m really sorry to hear about your mother’s passing…”

Brick Meathook

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Beerguyrob

TSN’s feed is advertising Johnny Football is BACK for the Alouettes this week.

litre_cola

Bomber D is still good, O is nawt.

JustStopDude

Well that is technically true. Its not like they are saying you have to be excited about it…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tyrod Taylor a scintillating 1/7 for 2 yards.

Redshirt

Even in baseball, that average would get your ass sent down to the minors.