Your “Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Mo” NFL Football Open Thread

Catch a tiger by the toe. Or a Giant. Or maybe a Packer. You know, one of those teams that have chances of making the playoffs in around the 2-5% mark. Watch them holler at the end of the day when they’re officially eliminated from the holy grail that is extra revenue from concession sales in January. TO THE GAMES!

Cards/Falcons:

Neither of these teams can get to .500 if they (ha!) win out the season. Approach this game carefully. If it shows any sign of aggression, make yourself as big as possible and shout. The game tends to get confused at odd behavior and will shy away.

Lions/Bills:

Do not wake up this game if it is sleeping, otherwise it may get cranky. If it does get cranky, heat up some chamomile tea and ask the game about its day. Maybe rub the game’s shoulders a bit. Show the game that you care.

Packers/Bears:

If you encounter this game on a hiking trail, make sure that you have several bratwursts in your back pack. A bit of mustard and sauerkraut wouldn’t hurt either. Be well-versed in the collapse of America’s manufacturing industry-this game does love to commiserate into its food.

Raiders/Bengals:

If you want to survive this game you’re going to have to look at it straight in the eye and show that you’re the alpha in this situation. This game will get the message and back away with its tail between its legs.

Cowboys/Colts:

This game doesn’t trust strangers very much so you’ll have to be patient. Get the game to talk about itself, open up a bit. You’ll be surprised at how much it reveals about itself by the end of the third quarter.

Titans/Giants:

Best to make yourself as small as possible if you happen upon this tilt. Maybe, maybe think about using a slingshot if you absolutely have to. The odds aren’t on your side but some folks will tell you that it worked at least one time before.

Potato Skins/Jags:

Circle this game slowly, not making any sudden moves. Try to stay just out of its peripheral vision and it won’t be able to formulate a plan of attack. After a while it will decide that you’re not worth the effort and will go about its way.

Bucs/Ravens:

Punch this game right in the nose. This game will show no mercy and you’re gonna have to go all in if you want to make it out alive. Come to think of it, a knife wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Show me the way to go home.

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh look, the Raiders are on Red Zone!

Because they fumbled, of course.

blaxabbath

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

King Hippo

#IndianGiversNoOfence

Senor Weaselo

So apparently someone picked a fight with the Ice Bears mascot. Because hockey.

blaxabbath

These Falcons stop the run….exactly as well as all other falcons.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Less so, if the amount of running done by that squirrel I saw last week was any indication.

blaxabbath

Rosen sneak!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That sneaky…um, quarterback.

Unsurprised

Coastal elite

blaxabbath

Oh I’m part of the Chevy family? I didn’t realize that, considering I hadn’t received my notice that my Midwest manufacturing job was being eliminated next year.

King Hippo

NAW, they ain’t lay off any of them conventionally attractive executive types

blaxabbath

I’d like to see what cars Chevy executives drive.

King Hippo

ALL GERMAN/JAPANESE

King Hippo

PLEASE let that DJ score stand.

King Hippo

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

King Hippo

/big WHEW

Spur

Welcome to hell, Rodgers.

rockingdog

found a funny:
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

King Hippo

PLEASE be useful, Corpse of David Johnson

King Hippo

now LET HIM HAVE TEH SCORE!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s too decayed to be of any value as food…maybe you could ride him down the hill as a sled?

Redshirt

AH! I’m missing the start of the Bengals game!

This is a nice feeling, actually.

Unsurprised

Genie, you’re free.

King Hippo

No turnovers or certainly no scores from Bearistocrats! D/ST, es muy importante.

/ah gave you fuckers The Prophecy you owe Hippo that much

Horatio Cornblower

So ‘The Passage’ is just ‘Firestarter’ with zombies, right?

King Hippo

again, I am certain the cinematic/teevee tranlation will be awful, but I read all 1700 pages of the trilogy, and it was AWESOME. So richly textured.

/also MOAR LIEK vampires, but not 100% so

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It sounds like it except that Firestarter would be pretty useless against zombies, because as Max Brooks astutely pointed out now you have zombies that are just as dangerous except now they are on fire.

King Hippo

There’s a Ryan Kerrigan SPLOOSH! for Dok.

King Hippo

it just me, or does LAMAR! look like he has quite a dose of fetal alcohol syndrome?

Horatio Cornblower

The Cowboys offensive line is going to be nicknamed ‘The Aristocrats’ if Zack Martin doesn’t come back soon.

King Hippo

Bill Maher, wide south.

King Hippo

I so want Los Gigantes to win out and bring Elisha back. Even though I like Scotchy.

rockingdog

let jordan howard run the ballllll!!!
come on bears!!!!

King Hippo

NAWT Purging Thielens. It’s still good! It’s still good!

Spur

Zeke needs to cut down on the hurdles, he’s vulnerable in the air.

Mother Puncher

It’s 50 degrees in Cincy today because the planet is dying.

Horatio Cornblower

I thought it was because Mike Brown wouldn’t turn on the heat.

...

Some t-shirt company I bought from a couple years ago is sending me emails selling what I assume is their Bears gear and all of them are titled either “DAAAAAAAAAAAA!” or “Thank you, Jon Gruden!” and I can’t delete them fast enough.

King Hippo

how about Trubinski FOAR MVP??

Unsurprised

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Horatio Cornblower

Shady McCoy is out and I needed a RB for my play-offs, (I think I’m fighting for 9th place), so I picked up Cordarelle Patterson.

I’ve felt less dirty after visits to strip clubs.

rockingdog

fantasy football playoffs!
cool!!!
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King Hippo

Here’s wishing everyone (but the Ghost of Shogun Marcus) a raging semi!

Unsurprised

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Spur

Go get ’em, Cowboys. Steal the Fathumps lunch

Gratliff

I’m here to prolong the pain. Let’s get through this together.

Spur

Eagles going to win tonight? or at least cover?

Gratliff

They’re going to beat LA and Houston in dominating fashion, then with everything breaking their way to give them a clinching opportunity in week 17, they’re going to blow a 14 point 4th quarter lead to Washington

litre_cola

This checks out.

rockingdog

I think they cover

Spur

Crap Zack Martin is out today.

Spur

Morning Folks.

Unsurprised

Ugh.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What’s this bullshit about James Conner being doubtful? Going to have to start Peyton Barber in the battle with tWBS for the Toilet Bowl

King Hippo

high ankle sprain, dude

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Rub some dirt on it

Horatio Cornblower

Pretty sure he’s out.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow I just woke up. I was more tired than a sleepy defensive coordinator.

King Hippo

Fellaini without the Sideshow Bob hair is disturbing.

yeah right

The Vikings also play Miami in the early window.
Got a small 3 teamer with Vikings, Indy and Buffalo.

I must have made that bet when I was baked.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

From the roundball analysis world, my friend Pete made this:

King Hippo

but does he like to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

I would happily kick any of those Redshite children (even the baby) in the face.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Rebecca Lowe looks like a piece of ribbon candy in that blouse.

King Hippo

she is just…dreamy in every way

Fronkenshteen

Sorry to be a pain in the ass, but Ty Montgomery was just declared a HEALTHY scratch. Does that tip your scales toward Dixon more?

King Hippo

yes

King Hippo

that tidbit just caused me to pick Dixon up for Week 16, though I had to drop Breida (they’re in Chi**** next week, I can’t see playing him).

ArmedandHammered

OK, I love the etrade commercial playing Atomic Dog.

litre_cola

Do you feel dirty Hippo cheering for Mourinho?

King Hippo

against KLOPP? Fuck and no.

King Hippo

it’s akin to teaming up with Uncle Joe to stop Hitler. You do it without question, and don’t worry about the morality until much later.

King Hippo

that’s got to be STRAIGHT RED

King Hippo

unfucking real, they book ROM for taking a raised boot to the shin

litre_cola

Alisson’s dreamy looks got in the way there.

King Hippo

it’s like he was caught fingering his asshole in the mirror while listening to old Elvis Costello

King Hippo

GET IN, goal out of nothing!!

King Hippo

Thanks for the no-show, Manure. You dickless shitheads.

Fronkenshteen

SUDDEN CHANGE!

Fronkenshteen

Looks like shady AND ivory are out vs DET. Just grabbed McKenzie & Marcus Murphy off waivers. I know Rosen is their RB1, but which, if either of these 2, is playable over Tiny Darren?

King Hippo

I’d rather Tiny Darren. Brokeback QB is BUF’s RB1.

Fronkenshteen

That entire game spooks me. Can Philly be competitive?

King Hippo

even if they can’t, there will be possessions playing from behind (perfect Tiny Darren conditions). You think Big Dick Nick won’t be checking it down all day?

King Hippo

the Cuck Liouns have also been playing loads of low-scoring fixtures, and their D may have turned a corner. Not the spot where I’d play some asshole off the street over an NFL-caliber player.

Fronkenshteen

[steps off ledge]

Thanks

Fronkenshteen

And Sproles over K. Dixon, right?

King Hippo

probably, but Dixon would be a defensible choice

Redshirt

(stolen from Fairly Odd Parents – somehow there is no video on YouTube)

Me: “They don’t deserve it, but they are my team. I should buy a cheap ticket and support them.”
Wanda: “Good job, Redshirt!”
Cosma: “Yeah! Think of all the good times you’ve had with the Bengals.”

(drives down to Paul Brown Stadium remembering:
– firing Sam Wyche because he didn’t want to be Mike Brown’s bitch
– letting Boomer Esiason retire and go to Monday Night Football
– drafting a run-and-shoot David Klingler and trying to turn him into a Pocket Pro Style QB
– drafting an one-year-wonder Akili Smith
– not hiring a Scouting Department or at least Techo Bowl and Madden to look at the attributes
– sticking with the same head coach when its obvious he’s hit his window and won’t get better
– sticking with the same head coach when its obvious he’s hit his window and won’t get better
– screwing over Dick LeBeau by giving him a shitty team in his only chance as a head coach
– sticking with the same head coach when its obvious he’s hit his window and won’t get better
– returning Hue Jackson when he run out on a rail in Cleveland
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
arrives at Paul Brown Stadium visibly seething, calms down)

Me: “Hey, Bengals I wanted to buy a ticket to today’s game.”‘
Bengals: “Really?”
Me: “I wanted to BUT I CHANGED MY MIND!!!!

(throws a clown costume on Bengals, paints their faces in clown face paint)
(Raiders fans drive by pointing and laughing)

Unsurprised

At least you’re not in Cleveland.

King Hippo

the municipal equivalent of Alabama’s “Thank God For Mississippi”

Senor Weaselo

That’s not Jerral as Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome.

blaxabbath

I’m pretty much finished with my Christmas shopping, which is an early first for me. A few online things left but no big deal. My wife wanted some stuff from Kohls or Marshalls or whatever and so I went down there last weekend and — aside from how absolutely brutal those women are when they are on the hunt (as opposed to Bass Pro where dudes are all helping me move through these tight spaces because I got a baby too and, I’m sure, they all know the inconvenience of trying to solo shop with a baby) — the strangest gift offering I saw was like a YouTube set. I assume it’s for making good videos like the influencers or whatever. But I just think that’s an interesting hobby or whatever.

Probably won’t watch ARI today. Gonna run to Home Depot and pick up the online order. Then over to Bed Bath and Beyond to pick up another online order. Gonna have to feed the kid when I get back so might steal a peak at the third quarter (where ARI is TERRIBLE this year) during that. But, all in all, should be a nice little Sunday.

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Fronkenshteen

Speaking of Klopp, this is quite funny:
https://youtu.be/QoZJvYEI1Kw

Fronkenshteen

Wow. I just slept 14 hours straight. How do people function on Seroquel? Anyway, fútbol. Who do we want here? Or, more accurately, who do we hate less? Myself, I find Klopp to be delightful and always find myself pulling for his team.

litre_cola

Futbol is stupid and I hate it.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m waiting for Barça at noon Pacific but anything where Mourinho loses is ok in my book.

Hell, if he can get humiliated by Klopp, even better!

King Hippo

you are BAD and should FEEL BAD. Klopp is a preening twat, and I hope he dies.

litre_cola

That is a shit tastic slate

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It really is. Even the Bears-Packers will probably be devoid of its usual Bears hilarity.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait until the afternoon. The whole country is getting Pats-Steelers.

blaxabbath

I’m all revved up for some 9-2 barnburners!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey tWBS, how pissed are you at yourself for leaving Mike Williams(LAC) on the bench this week?

Very pissed, other tWBS. Very, very pissed.

litre_cola

Hey Litre, do you think weed psychosis is taking over Twbs?

Don’t ask me, you are the one talking to yourself Litre.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I haven’t smoked since last California trip sooooo….
/looks at calendar
//carry the one

4.5 months.

Maybe that’s the problem?

(but my plants are doing well…I might even be able to harvest a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in a week or two)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Their California cousins say hello!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe.

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