Your “You Can’t Do That On Television!” AFC Playoff Game Open Thread

Fallout:

-T.O. opened up his bridge-burner again and to no one’s surprise threw hc Garrett under the bus for having the gall to lose to a superior team. Several wanks were wanked.

-Harvey Dahl awaits his inevitable fine and perhaps a flurry of ‘random’ drug tests(?) for not expressing himself like an Anthony Hopkins in The Remains of The Day during the heat of competition.

-Aqib Talib awaits his inevitable fine and perhaps a flurry of ‘random’ drug tests for not expressing himself like Peter Sellers in Being There during the heat of celebration post-game.

-not exactly fallout but one of the linemen, Bob Kuechenberg from The ’72 Dolphins, passed away. He was one of those classy racists (like Matt Birk and Tim Thomas) that turned down a White House visit back in 2013 because a black fella happened to be running the nation at the time.

TO THE GAME!

Muscle Cars/Tea Party Throwers:

This doesn’t bode well-Rivers has never beaten Brady head-to-head in a game. However, in the man-to-man matchup in The Game of Life he’s way up 9-3. (I’m assuming Tiffany will come through with the deliverable-she’s a seasoned pro in her own right)

If you’re a history nutball like myself you’ll happen to know that the very first time these two met in a championship game (back in January of ’63) the Chargers came away with a 51-10 victory.

Sorta looks like near the end of the line for both Brady (maybe another year?) and Gronk especially after you saw the latter stumble and totter while trying to chase that Fins player during that miracle win.

It’s time for a bloody… Ceasar.

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*fingers crossed*

hey the Patriots are only 1-3 in conference championships on the road under Brady/Belichick. a stat that doesn't factor in anything about this year's teams is just the delusion I need, thank u

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) January 13, 2019

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So Bledsoe got the win in ’01 I guess?

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He corrected it to 2-3 on the road lol

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I mean, Brady got knocked out of that game, but I guess he got the win.

bk109

Except that you’re forgetting the power of the narrative.. At this point we’re starting to see the “Redemption/Payback” archetype, especially if Big Dick Nick wins tonight… and one doesn’t simply fight the Narrative

ThePirateSloth

*sigh*

Guess I’m just resigned to another Patriots win. Ugh.

Old School Zero

It’s so boring. That’s really the worst thing about it; I ain’t even mad, just boooooored.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

It just shows, “Yes, 95% of the NFL is dumb, and it will stay that way”

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Spur

Dreamboat is in the game, go low Bosa. Go low.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Put Marmalard in at DT and he’ll send Brady’s ACL to Quincy.

Spur

Traditionally there is one upset this week. The Saints are going to lose today.

...

Chiefs-Chargers and Rams-Saints would have made for two fun games in which I don’t loathe any teams and could just enjoy the remainder of the season but no we’ll end up with Eagles-Patriots in the Super Bowl again and I’ll be drink-myself-into-Tuesday depressed.

Doktor Zymm

At least it’s not a Cowboys Pats bowl looming

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“ONLY THING LOOMING FOR OL JERRAL ARE SOME UT-ARLINGTON CO-EDS”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

SonOfSpam

Manti Te’o is inactive for the Saints today.

Lennay Kakua is inactive for existence.

King Hippo

/pours one out

Spur

This game is coming as I expected.
We’ve pinned our hopes on a suspect KC Defense and Andy Reid out coaching Grumble Lord.

King Hippo

he’s gonna. After the 1st half in Foxboro, he and Mahomes-y had Grumblelord figured out.

Spur

Folks

yeah right

G’day sir!

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This game has depressed me.

Old School Zero

NFL Playoffs 2019 – try not to self harm!

...

This game is more of a sleep-until-Tuesday sort of depression than a run-a-blade-down-my-arm kind of depression

Old School Zero

I’d agree with that. Why get up when this is what we earn?

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ve been basically late Season-Six AJ Soprano for the last week. I was just starting to feel a little better, now I’m feeling a backslide coming on.

yeah right

Stay away from the pool.

bk109

The game or the simple truth that the Pats are like Jason Voorhees – you can stab, maul, write poorly… but in the end it still lives an’ is ready to devour some more stereotypes ! 😀

King Hippo

Hippo would really like a 2nd Monaco soccer point

yeah right

I made a last minute kibitz bet and parlayed the P*ts and the second game over. I talk a good game but I want some money too dammit.

King Hippo

over, eh?

yeah right

Yep.

King Hippo

52.5 was just a bit much for me, put $77 on Chefs ML (-145) next week instead

yeah right

Nice. That makes sense.

SonOfSpam

Nantz just said the Pats have scored on Seven of Nine possessions…
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Doktor Zymm

Ok, so Pats/Chiefs next week and RAMMIT v whoever wins the Flying Nun game.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, if NE plays as well as they have today, and KC plays as good as they did yesterday, it should at least be an entertaining matchup.

Gatoraids

If KC plays as good as they did yesterday and NE shits themselves it will be an even more entertaining matchup.

bk109

And if Kermit the QB tries to get the last piece of bbq from the cafeteria an’ causes Andy Reid to snap and kill and eat everyone will be EVEN better

yeah right

That would be a nice change.

The Maestro

THAT’S OWAH JEWKAH RIGHT THEAH!!

yeah right

I might have to watch something more uplifting, like “The Human Centipede.”

Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe a triple bill, with “Requiem for a Dream” and “Trainspotting.”

Gatoraids

add in some Melancholia. Why root for a meteor game when you can root for a moon game.

Gatoraids

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Sharkbait

Is Kato going to live in the big brother house? Or just the apartment by the pool)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure but if someone in the house gets murdered I feel like odds are good it will not be any great loss to our society.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ryan Lochte was looking kind of doughy there.

Doktor Zymm

Was he also full of scallions? Cause that would be delish

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like Ryan Lakte, amirite?

yeah right

I’m not even a Chargers fan and this game has forced me to drink.

Doktor Zymm

I was able to watch the second game yesterday, and drank a lot of Taiwan Beer while doing so. I think I caught the best of the 3 games so far. Hopefully I’ll be able to catch some of the last game at the airport

Sharkbait

If we’re being back kickoff rules, can we bring back jumping the long snapper on field goals?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This could be the start of something special…

[Patriots go on a fourteen play, nine minute drive for a touchdown to kill any lingering Charger fans’ hopes]

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So the black guy from Reno 911! is the lead official today?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw, that was a touching tribute to Andy Reid.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Who ate what?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Was that a discworld reference? AWESOME!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And according to Google, that is the first time that ANYBODY has made that reference online. Congratulations!

bk109

I’m sorry, but you… expected MORE outta Whisencunt?! I’ll revisit my previous suggestion to Rikki – you need to drank moar, NAO! Hell, we all need to drank moar!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah yes, now that the game is out of reach the officials have got to get that Patriots penalty count up so the numbers don’t look so skewed.

herodotus450

[Belichick casually pockets his kickback from Bud Light for challenging and causing an extra commercial break.]

bk109

Evenin’ lads, lasses and whatever the hell Rikki’s self-identifying as this week ( I’ve got a fiver on a non-binary half-horsekin, half-KingHippo)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This week I’m identifying as 25% hangover and 75% phlegm.

nomonkeyfun

You’re not trying hard enough if you’re only 25%

bk109

As an official unlicensed and untrained doctor, I prescribe you at least 25% more drankin’

Old School Zero

I’m beginning to understand what Albert Breer and the like are saying. Football just isn’t any fun unless you’ve sustained a significant brain injury.

LemonJello

Can the Charged Ones O-Line run a sweep right at Grumblelord and just lay him the fuck out?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It would only take 4 unanswered Chargers touchdowns for me to be alive in that parlay…

Dunstan

Even the officials have packed it in. They’re actually calling penalties on the Pats now.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

They’re trying to honor the Spanos brothers by being dead since the first quarter.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Also, change the onside kick rules back to the old ones where you could stack one side or line up however you wanted. New shit’s boring.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Hope that ancient Native American dude in the Chevy truck ad isn’t one of those dickheads fucking up the Joshua trees in the background behind him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Chargers fumble the kickoff?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

See if you punt like a little bitch when you’re down 28, Billy Bellz will just assassinate you.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Now that’s just pissing in the open wound.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

WHY ARE YOU PLAYING 7 DBs AT ALL TIMES? THAT OLD FUCK NEVER RUNS FOR FIRST DOWNS

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Me, checking the score just now
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theeWeeBabySeamus

THEY COULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS LAST WEEK???????????????????

Old School Zero

MAY THE FROZEN DEPTHS AWAKEN AND SWALLOW US ALL

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright, fuck this noise, errand time

litre_cola

So the next game will be good right? RIGHT?

Mr. Ayo

It can’t be any worse, Mr. Cola!

theeWeeBabySeamus

/bets ‘Aints ATS
//hopes for a blowout

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Todd Bowles loves all this punting down by a million!

herodotus450

More like FRAUDGers amirit

Gratliff

Literally zero reason to punt the rest of the game

Old School Zero

The ol’ three yard pass on 3rd and 10.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Yeah let’s keep the same defensive scheme designed to shutdown a rookie running quarterback in his first ever playoff game, and try that today, see how it works!

Col. Duke LaCross
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t see how those outfits are remotely similar, aside from both of them showing her bare arms.

Horatio Cornblower

3rd and 10 seems like an ideal time for a 2 yard out.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Philip audibled into the old “give up” play.

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, if Rivers fucked like he threw that last pass he’d have 1 kid, and that by pure accident.