Your No More Saturday NFL Sexy Soccer Saturday Open Thread

It feels weird not having a football game to watch today. On the bright side, we have in America the start of a three-day weekend with Monday being Martin Luther King Day!

Wait, do they have MLK Day in the South? Hippo and TWBS, please advise.

Speaking of Hippo and TWBS, tomorrow we will have the resolution of my public shame bet with Hippo in which I will either contribute $100 to Hippo’s favourite charity or Hippo will again drag out TWBS on the coldest night of the year and warm themselves up at the Capital Cabaret, Raleigh’s finest gentleman’s club establishment.

I have asked, nae DEMANDED, that TWBS recreate his Dragnet-style writing to recap the events. This is, of course, assuming that my Love Actually offering to GAMBLOR finds favour with GAMBLOR and I am granted a win.

We shall see.

Today, however, we have a full day of sexy soccer with all the major leagues back in action! Well, almost all of them. DFO’s adopted team, BSC Young Boys, from Bern, Switzerland are off until February. The Swiss season is exactly at the halfway point and our Boys have 49 points from 16 wins, 1 tie, and 1 loss. Only Juventus can boast a better record in European league competitions.

The Swiss Super League only has 10 teams, so each team plays the others four times: twice at home and twice away. The second place team, FC Basel, has 30 points. That tells you all you need to know about how dominating and powerful the Young Boys are. Which is totally why they perfectly represent the DFO Commentist Party.

/falls down while playing soccer with niece

//braces himself with hand as he lands awkwardly

///hand hurts for weeks

Before we move on to today’s schedule, I want to share with you an image that Don T shared with us in the back room.

And they say Germans have no sense of humour…

Without further ado, TO THE GAMES! (all times Pacific)

If you’re awake when this post airs, you can prepare some breakfast and catch Leicester City visiting Wolverhampton.

I have to give it up to NBC for finally putting some good games on TV channels included in the basic packages. No NBC Sports Gold for Liverpool and Man U! Also, Arsenal and Chelsea get the full nationwide NBC treatment!

It’s like NBC realized they aren’t showing any more NFL until September…

Here is the patented Balls Omakase Menu:

  • Wolverhampton Wanderers v Leicester City
  • Computer: Liverpool v Crystal Palace / TV: Manchester United v Brighton & Hove Albion / Cell Phone: Real Madrid v Sevilla
  • Arsenal v Chelsea
  • PSG v En Avant Guingamp
  • Querétaro v Monterrey
  • América v Pachuca
  • Tigres v Cruz Azul

And now for some lovely ladies, courtesy of our favourite Twitter feed, Futbol Babes:

Too bad Palace don’t have a shot against the Pool…
I don’t think that’s snow…
You know, I try to hate Real Madrid and then…
I really should watch more Bundesliga…
The End

Comment away!

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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Senor Weaselo

Good afternoon lizard people. Again don’t know much lesser footy but fuck Liverpool, the Gritsawx-owned, what’s the word I’m looking for here? Normal swear words don’t quite do it, Turkish probably has some, you haven’t been cursed out until you’ve been cursed out in Turkish.
http://www.youswear.com/index.asp?language=Turkish

King Hippo

oh yeah, Hippo’s day TOTES ruined. Huzzah, Turkish swears.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sitting on a warm toilet seat is disgusting if the warmth has come from another human, but when it’s the sun it’s wonderful.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I have a feeling someone is going to make an Ass Herpes joke here, so I’m just gonna go ahead and defuse that.

I hope.

scotchnaut

/Wiscy up by 4. What does coach Greg Gard tell his troops?

Ah. Good. Let the cheddar flow through you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

“Nailed it!”
-B. Walsh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Actually I think he did. Two with one kick.

herodotus450

Snowmageddon has begun, with rain! Let’s hope all those virgins I sacrificed were enough.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Did you pile their bodies up against all your basement windows?

/probably didn’t
//fucking amateurs everywhere I look
///CHRIST! Does anyone read my blog?

King Hippo

We’re expecting championship-calibre hobo killin’ fer tomorrow

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, she thinks it’s funny now.
Give BallsofSteel a coupla minutes though…we’ll see how funny it is then.

Horatio Cornblower

THAT’S NOT MISTLETOE!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She looks like she could kick ball’s ass even stuck like that. But again; I’ve had to pay $500 for that, so…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Time to call security.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Garbage Truck Dudes: Somebody threw out a perfectly good white man.

rockingdog

gunners score again. chelsea not looking good….. yikes!

King Hippo

PSG have a Goal Differential of +52. After 19 goddamned League matches.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Ur doing it wrong! – her younger brother, eyeing the family pooch

Senor Weaselo

How do you win 9-0 in a top tier match?

King Hippo

at least Guingamp is a distant 20th in the Table…but still. That’s what you’d expect to see in a Cup against some kind of pub side who made you angry.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I had a weird dream last night that I adopted a chimpanzee and taught him to cook.

Today, thinking about it, I think that might not be a bad idea. Assuming I could also teach him to wash his hands and not fling poop in the kitchen.

scotchnaut

Was the chimp’s name ‘Bananas Foster’?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVCWOzyJOf4

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, it will be now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“That’s one way to avoid ‘The Bends’.”

-Radiohead

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

I finally understand farting porn.

rockingdog

gunners score first. oh my…..

scotchnaut

Looks like Wiscy is gonna try to muck out a W vs Michigan at home.

scotchnaut

Ummm, I mean, “the wankers from cheese country will try to control the pace and totally chuff the wogs that have a clean sheet as far as their table is concerned.”

/Happy?

litre_cola

Well done ole chap

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh man, I hate Saturdays when I don’t get to see any Young Boys.

scotchnaut

Stupid prison visit regulations smgdh

Senor Weaselo

-Jerry S., whatever penitentiary

litre_cola

I have watched, Wolves, Roma, Liverpool. So many goals. Gamblor be praised. Arsenal Chelsea good for nil nil

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yowza!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Extremely small swell, exposed rocks, 2/10 would not surf.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d hang ten on that. OK, six on a good day, but still.

rockingdog

nice curves

Petronel

Bonus interesting tan lines later.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
scotchnaut

I want 60 degree exclamation points back. That’s what I would do if I had a time machine.

/Oh, and kill King Leopold II of Belgium

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

!!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

More like 75 degree, but we have to use what’s available.

scotchnaut

“That’s gotta be 80 degrees for sure.”

-Guy That Tends To Push Glasses Up (To The Root) Of His Nose

King Hippo

#SiggyFOARcentre-forward

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

United is playing poorly. Not surprising that they gave up a goal. Hopefully they hang on and win and Chelski loses to make things very interesting.

King Hippo

out of moneys for GAMBLOR, both my lower league Talisman sides win on the road (Barnsley and Bury)

Wakezilla

Imagine adapting to changes in society around you instead of pissing and moaning about Millenials

Ole on the modern player: “I wouldn’t say more powerful, but it’s different with social media and the society they grow up in compared with what I did. It’s such a different era. Now everything’s on Facebook or Twitter. It’s not malicious, it’s just the reality we live in.”

King Hippo

he’s a realist/practical, and doesn’t pick fights for the sake of picking fights. EXACTLY what United need, they should take off that interim tag and quit worrying about him being “not sexy enough.”

Wakezilla

Agreed. It’s boggling my mind alot of United fans and media are all like “Derp, but how many titles has he won?”

Because the last guy with a ton of titles worked out so well

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s one of the things I have been trying to do. I am not trying to participate by any means, but all railing against it does is make me feel old.

scotchnaut

There ya go, Hippo. You’ve received the official go-ahead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9LAsaJ7caA

King Hippo

LOVE this guy!

/also, I have the Chubb-on 55 shirt as well, but in the much more badass alternate home navy

scotchnaut

Yeah, I like Brandon “He’s a very funny guy that knows his shit and will not drop the Goff material” Perna.

That’s Good Sports!

King Hippo

If Aaron Donald gets penetration, there won’t be any Beatin’ Goff this Sunday!

rockingdog

That intro song is stuck in my head….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Long ago my P*triots hate made this obvious. Of course I hate the Chefs in a divisional sense, pretty much on par with the rest, the Raiders hate being slightly more intense. The P*ts are the evil of the universe. The Chefs are a divisional evil.

King Hippo

plus it’s (to me) hard to root against Andy Reid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He doesn’t eat root vegetables.

Redshirt

Hue Jackson is interviewing for Cardinals OC job. Do we have any Arizona fans we need to pray for?

scotchnaut

“I’m good for some thoughts as well.”

-NRA member

King Hippo

Just take the Draw, fuckos.

King Hippo

Gana would kick Redmond’s teeth in. Soft cunt.

King Hippo

if the start of Hippo’s weekend is any prelude…bet heavy on Balls’ P*ts/Saints Narrative Owl

King Hippo

godfuckingdamnit

King Hippo

/see above

King Hippo

Big Pharma v. Bo Russia FOAR me

Horatio Cornblower

Nothing like turning the TV on just in time to see Crystal Palace score on Liverpool. You see something like that you run right out and buy lottery tickets.

King Hippo

nothing I want more than City winning the League due to Everton getting a result at Goodison. This slip-up would make the dream possible

King Hippo

saved by the post twice, and by Pickford twice

litre_cola

Hahaha Liverpool, Uncle Woy is gunna get you

King Hippo

/Shite promptly score 3 in next 5 minutes

litre_cola

Woy’s tactics won’t allow that.

King Hippo

they’ll get a soft pen if not level by 60′

King Hippo

well, it took awhile longer, but 3 by the 75′ mark

King Hippo

Keane’s lack of pace almost fucked us there

King Hippo

Mola Lookman starts again. Happy, happy, joy joy!

litre_cola

Have a 5 dollar parlay
Roma
Inter
River
Monterrey
Club America
Leverkusen
Athletico

Once in a while these ones hit.

King Hippo

One will never watch M’gladenbach the same after imagining the Oak Ridge Boys being major supporters, to the tune of “Elvira”

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Brick Meathook

Elvira knows whats up.

Horatio Cornblower

“I like ’em pale”
-David Duke, talking about something completely different.

King Hippo

A Slav ain’t really white!! – Jefferson Beauregard S., Lickspittle, AL

Don T

Wolves going all RAMMMITTT over Lester. I loved it!
Yep, I thought this through. Saints will lose. Donald and Suh will go all Bountygate Boomerang on Brees.
I CANT WAIT TILL TOMORROW DAMMIT!

King Hippo

they ain’t willing to sit back and watch the cream sit out too long!’

/fuck sake, the shape of Wes Morgan. He looks like he could have eaten CJ Anderson…

King Hippo

They sent off Portugeuse Homeless Guy Manager? But I thought Klopp-ish behaviour was supposed to be all cute and noble FFS.

Don T

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King Hippo

93rd minute winner? 93rd minute winner!!

litre_cola

ROMA GOOAL GAMBLOR BE PRAISED!

scotchnaut

I’d describe the play between Wolves and Lester as ‘frantic’.

herodotus450

Five total goals in this soccered game, that’s approaching run-on-the-goal-bank territory.

Fronkenshteen

That pass on the fifth one tho!

herodotus450

That’s what the Madam said to me last night when I picked the sixth one.

King Hippo

Wolves and Bananacakes go great together

herodotus450

Islanders, Flames, and the Jets are leading their respective divisions; looks like my time travel machine worked and I’m back in 1985!
/Except for the Jets part of course

litre_cola

Tough but fair.

scotchnaut

AOC with the dagger on the twitter

https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1086483485668319233

Fronkenshteen

Is that a film quote?

scotchnaut

Tis a quote from an old video game.

rockingdog

Oh yea!!!!!!! Bahahaha!!

scotchnaut

With the windchill it’s -39 Celsius here. That’s -38.2 to you guys. Seriously, I didn’t know or had completely forgotten that Fahrenheit temps catch up to Celcius as one’s balls recede back from whence they came.

litre_cola

I feel ya Scotchy, was in Ft Mac last week, switched from king size to regulars because I couldnt be outside that long.

scotchnaut

How’s it looking after that nasty fire (that we didn’t start, btw) 2/3(?) summers ago?

litre_cola

Was dark til 9 am and dusk at 330. I didnt get a chance to go to the hardest hit area. That being said Canada Post is delivering out there again so seems to be rebuilt for the most part. Was the west side that got hit hard.

litre_cola

Leverkusen v Gladbach will be good. Leverkusen on a run but Gladbach better. What’s that Gamblor?

litre_cola

Roma Torino has/had Roma at 1.7….

King Hippo

Also, this Monday in The South? Depending on how The South you state is, it might be Lee/Jackson Day!

Fronkenshteen

I went to pay my water bill yesterday at the Town Offices and they were closed for fucking Lee/Jackson day! I’m taking off July 3rd this year to celebrate Pickett’s Charge.

King Hippo

y is their no WHITE History month ,, makes cents wen u think about it

Viva La Tabula Raza

I think it’s funny/not funny that the only reason that Arizona observes MLK Day is because the NFL was going to revoke their hosting of a Super Bowl if they didn’t.

King Hippo
King Hippo

and Two of the Good Ones in PRIME FORM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOSFitIbAMM

litre_cola

Decilitre only got up at 445 today. This is a success. Put a 5er on les Wolves as well

King Hippo

I’d say Wolves look a’ight, 2 in while I made coffee.

/no small varmints, but up super early thanks to vivid nightmare

litre_cola

The thumb pain didnt help

King Hippo

damned maple sawbones ain’t give ya sweet opiates?

litre_cola

Just the tip so I gots a couple T3’s and have some 21% THC weed and CBD oil but that aint help in the middle of the night.

scotchnaut

Resolution Update:

-I’m on my 4th book (trying to get off to a fast start by reading some Pratchett and it’s working)
-Dusted off my elliptical back on the 7th and got up to an 85 minute workout on Thursday
-haven’t tried the yoga yet…
-sent in the paperwork to get my passport renewed (visit another country for the first time in a while)
-still thinking about which sporting idol I should try to write about/maybe even reach out to

/as far as books go-can I get the names of some lesser-known writers you’ve enjoyed? A sub-resolution is to read at least a dozen new authors this year.
//today’s Big Plans? Groceries, workout, laundry, drinking and Cuse/Pitt at 2pm.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Don’t know if the genres are in your wheelhouse, but Alan Furst and George McDonald Fraser are authors whose books I revisit regularly. Also Martin Cruz Smith.

scotchnaut

I’ve done two by Furst and almost everything by Cruz Smith so I’ll take a peek at Fraser.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Which Furst books? “Night Soldiers” remains my favorite, and “The Polish Officer” ranks second.

scotchnaut

The Foreign Correspondent and Mission To Paris.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Try out the ones I mentioned above. The two you read are the two that I like the least of all his stuff.

scotchnaut

Crap! I read one of the Flashman books but didn’t like it.

Viva La Tabula Raza

yeah, they’re a little dated, he was quite a bastard, not PC at all. But I like the way actual real history is blended into the story. Fraser was quite the reactionary conservative, but he did his research. Some of them are better than others. Non-Flashman book “The Complete MacAuslan” is delightful, as is “Mr. American” (Flashman makes a cameo).

Horatio Cornblower

The Devils of Cardona by Matthew Carr and The Sympathizer by Viet Thanh Nguyen.