Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Doktor Zymm

PUNT PUNT BO BUNT

Senor Weaselo

One first down? GETTING IN GEAR!

Trevor Semen

I’m just waiting for this game to end so I can go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep again and wake up in a wheelchair feeling like a million bucks with a bottle of hydrocodone

Doktor Zymm

Best of luck, don’t RG3 yourself 🙂

Trevor Semen

Too late for that lol

Horatio Cornblower

If you can get that bottle of hydrocodone to Ryan Leaf you might be a millionaire!

...

LOOGIT ALL THOSE PUNTS

The Maestro

Making me think of that CHOX – Bears game from a few years back.

Beerguyrob

Last year’s Super Bowl thread was 2352 comments, the current DFO record..

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2018/02/04/last-call-pats-iggles-sb52-open-thread/

herodotus450

Nawt fair, that game had overtime.
/Right?

Trevor Semen

No, it just felt that way. Eagles won after Dreamboat fumbled in the clutch.

Gratliff

That game had Tom Brady failing to rally from behind like the failure of a human being that he is

Beerguyrob

But Gisele railed his behind later, to teach him a lesson.

Horatio Cornblower

Nawt fair, that game was interesting.

Fixed that for you.

Gratliff

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Mr. Ayo

Behold, the culmination of the year of offense in the NFL!

yeah right

True Detective starts in 6 minutes.

Sounds better every second.

King Hippo

I love the acting, but the script is weaker than S2

Gatoraids

Nothing weaker than Vince Vaughn loafing

clint greasewood

Vince Vaughn as a gangster was hard to believe.

yeah right

I think this episode will really take off.

What I’ve said every episode.

There are some really strong characters though.

Horatio Cornblower

Not an unfair take, but the ending of last week’s episode has me all in the rest of the season.

King Hippo

Dorff has been amazing, and should win awards

yeah right

The kid’s Dad has been rock solid as well.

Horatio Cornblower

Wasn’t the True Detective the friends we made along the way?

Gatoraids

Time is a punt circle

...

Brady has lost focus since his wife went back to Brazil to join one of Bolsonaro’s rainforest death squads.

Gratliff

Really glad we’re making up for the 1 punt in Super Bowl LII

Ian Scott McCormick

They laughed at me when I said 6-3 Rams in OT.

King Hippo

HOLY SHIT I FORGOT, U R TEH ONE!!!

Senor Weaselo

Just a guess on 3rd down, pass to Edelman.

King Hippo

FUCK FUCK FUCK

...

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King Hippo

when Jewkah goes over 200, we get to see his man meat?

herodotus450

is just a tightly rolled up copy of the Constitution

...

I don’t have the doctored one with a leg-thick flaccid dick.

King Hippo

YOU STILL HAVE TIME

Gratliff

“The Hammer of Justice!” – Ben Krassenstein

Brocky

So the game has completely lost my dad’s attention, he’s now playing with the dog

Horatio Cornblower

Your dad is the true winner here.

Gatoraids

SJW.Goodell

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Inspire Change” is what Ryan Leaf tries to do when he’s panhandling.

yeah right

Another reminder to not watch the Grammys.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Grumble grumble I’ll watch your grammy grumble grumble.

Horatio Cornblower

It would be just perfect if the only record in this game was for longest punt.

Senor Weaselo

Maybe also fewest points.

Sharkbait

Fuck you and your damage control Verizon.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Word.

...

Brady calling an audible using the word Reagan just reminds me of how angry his statuesque ass isn’t just broken on every drop back

King Hippo

it wasn’t even REAGAN SMASH!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Maybe it was ‘ray gun’?” – Eli Manning

Doktor Zymm

This Punt. This Punt is the BEST PUNT

Gratliff

RECORD BREAKING SUPER BOWL! So, this game is JUST like last year’s record breaking Super Bowl with 1150 yards of offense.

The Maestro

So apparently the founder of Barstool Sports got arrested tonight inside the stadium. I guess God is just and fair, after all.

herodotus450

There were even betting odds on it, if my sources are correct.

King Hippo

STOP TRYING TO PRE-EMOTIVELY MAKE US NOT HATE YOU. 😀

Senor Weaselo

We can’t hate him for this much shit of a game. Well, not as much. Well, we still can.

Horatio Cornblower

If the police want to shoot him 18 times in the back I will take their word for it that it was warranted.

King Hippo

this game is Football AIDS

Gatoraids

Hawtest punt evah

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s very fitting that this Super Bowl will own a record for the longest punt.

Doktor Zymm

I should clean more often, to make it easier to distinguish intruder’s fingerprints if necessary.

Also, some lady who used to live here (I used to get her mail, I’ve lived here about a year and a half now) accidentally ordered a bunch of crap and had it sent here. I was around for the mattress, so I was able to decline delivery. I’m left with one small box that was left at my door via UPS, do I return it to a UPS store? I’m really not excited about going out of my way for that, but I have my own crap, don’t need other people’s additional crap. Haven’t opened it, assume it’s nothing good.

herodotus450

If you’re ordering a mattress, how the fuck do you not double check the address field?

Doktor Zymm

Right?! I don’t know what the fuck I would have done if I came home and found a goddamn mattress sitting by my door. I understand autofill address fields, but WOW!

Gratliff

These 3 and outs are impossibly fast

yeah right

Goddamnit Goff. Some situational awareness would be nice.

Ian Scott McCormick

Jared Goff might be the first QB to get benched in the Super Bowl.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s 15 yards for a blow to the head on Brady.

The Maestro

I just hope Bobby Shmurda gets a chance to play an upcoming Super Bowl.

Trevor Semen

“I been sellin c-” *Roger Goodell tackles him from behind*

...

This game is such shit

litre_cola

What is [DFO] record for comments?

Horatio Cornblower

it’s over 1,000, that’s the best i can do.

The Maestro

I think we’ve topped 1300 once and 1100 twice, but don’t quote me on that.

Mr. Ayo

BANNER for irony!

litre_cola

That is what I thought. Someone will know

nomonkeyfun

Internet Dad is busy with his Kroenke voodoo dolls. He can’t tell us today.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No comment

Gatoraids

Never thought I’d be looking forward more to this episode of true detective than the rest of this game

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Redd Kross > Karly Kloss

...

Karly Kloss 😛 Taylor Swift

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In a fight?

litre_cola

Where does Kriss Kross fit in?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kriss > Red Kross, Kross < Karlie.

yeah right

Right cross > Karly Kloss

Beerguyrob

Current status of the Superb Owl:
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Senor Weaselo

Punt inside the 5? This is absolutely ending in a safety.

Ian Scott McCormick

What makes you think Mr. Statue would allow himself to be sacked on one of his standard issue 47 second dropbacks?

yeah right

Christ.

Ian Scott McCormick

I’m back! And have missed absolutely nothing.

Beerguyrob

You’re the real winner.

Horatio Cornblower

Lemme catch you up.

Edelman got loose for a 1st down on 3rd and long, then the Patriots failed to convert on 3rd and 2 because the refs aren’t calling holding on any defenders, so there was another punt.

Ian Scott McCormick

I was good without knowing.

Mr. Ayo

Finally, the defense stayed within 5 yards of Edelman.

herodotus450

Is Suh concussing himself on Brady’s knee, ending both careers, too much to ask?

Doktor Zymm

I’m being recruited by a startup called ‘Snowflake’
I’m amused

Gatoraids

Better than Facebook

herodotus450

Heh

Senor Weaselo

Yay headhunting!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, Vontaze Burfict is a recruiter?

Horatio Cornblower

Are you in tears, libtard?

Horatio Cornblower

Yes, let’s talk about the passion of Edelman, while not mentioning him missing 25% of the regular season because he got caught using PEDs.

herodotus450

Well, Passion ™

King Hippo

underrated brilliance there!

Brocky

Just like how we talk about belichik’s supposed ability to turn around players with “character jssues” and not mention Aaron hernandez

Trevor Semen

This has not been a very Superb Owl thus far

yeah right

Oh look Edelman is open.

Beerguyrob

I love that Roger Goodell has delivered us his first unwatchable Super Bowl in hopefully Tom Brady’s final game.

King Hippo

WHY IS TALIB NOT ON HIM

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fuck this front-running Atlanta crowd.

King Hippo

Sherman was right

clint greasewood

Sherman is always right, If the NFLPA was smart they would have him be their president when he retires.

Gatoraids

Atlanta so lame they’d rather have la and wagoners than new Orleans in their town

Ian Scott McCormick

I’ve always assumed the Super Bowl was only attended by corporate sycophants anyway.

...

Guh
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