Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Senor Weaselo

Madre Weaselo also had the 3rd quarter with 3-3. Momma making bank!

Horatio Cornblower

Hell of a night for her box(es)

Horatio Cornblower

Friend of mine just texted me: “These teams are playing like they know whoever wins has to go to the White House.”

Doktor Zymm

Can we remote banner? Cause your friend wins the internet by proxy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is fucking good.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They stole that joke from twitter; my wife told me that one an hour ago.

Horatio Cornblower

Damn. Now I have to turn my friend in to Internet Jail.

...

The other Krassenstein has chimed in
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are they being corny on purpose? Because if so then I am cool with it, but if not oh man.

Ian Scott McCormick

Twitter isn’t good

...

They unironically produced this in a children’s bookcomment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can only imagine how deftly a CBS comedy handles racial issues.

Unsurprised

Slightly better than the nfl

Mr. Ayo

The good news is Brady fucking sucks now. The bad news is he’s reprising PeyPey’s superb owl.

Doktor Zymm

‘Wedgie, defense: haha yards”

Mother Puncher

PSA: PFT was just on the chapo twitch stream

Unsurprised

That’s when I turned it off.

Mother Puncher

You missed some good jokes

nomonkeyfun

I understand some of those words, but I think they mean something else now.

Mother Puncher

Go to bed old man

Unsurprised

Is Kaep available?

Senor Weaselo

Defensive holding, drink!

King Hippo

are you fucking serious!!

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve had more beers than there are points in this game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, so still sober.

Horatio Cornblower

Wouldn’t try to drive, but not anticipating any kind of hangover either.

The key is corn syrup!

Unsurprised

That was true last year too though

nomonkeyfun

That ain’t exactly bragging.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh I’m not bragging. More pointing out that this game sucks.

Doktor Zymm

Pints, liters, or tiny cans?

Horatio Cornblower

Some of column A, some of column B, and right now we’re in column C.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Duh

Gatoraids

If only we knew who was big dick nickname in this game maybe it was Greg the third leg Zuerlein

King Hippo

who is apparently playing hurt!

Unsurprised

High-scoring action belying the fact that the most popular sport played in megatron’s butthole is soccer. MLS soccer.

Beerguyrob

Points?
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Doktor Zymm

Google is on to us!
‘Superb Owl’ gives the game score with a neat Owl gif

WCS

Looks like we made it….

Ian Scott McCormick

The guy who had NE 3 LA 0 box is just pissed that they didn’t run the table.

clint greasewood

I have LA 5 NE 0.

Ian Scott McCormick

Sucks to be you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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corn syrup

-漫~*’¨¯¨’*·舞~ ? ???? ????? ? ~舞·*’¨¯¨’*~漫-

ᴄᴏʀɴ ꜱʏʀᴜᴘ

dnɹʎs uɹoɔ

c⃣   o⃣   r⃣   n⃣    s⃣   y⃣   r⃣   u⃣   p⃣

c⃞    o⃞    r⃞    n⃞     s⃞    y⃞    r⃞    u⃞    p⃞

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quɿʏꙅ ᴎɿoɔ

c̸̩̗̫̗͙̝̝͕͗͆̓̈͒͝ö̶̹͈̣͈́̎̅r̵̐͒̌̄ͅn̸̡̻̺̹͈̘̼͙̩͑̅̇̍́̎̕̕ ̷̡̲̠̗͕̙̦͈̓̈̏̈̃̇̕͠ͅs̵̰͈͊́͋͋͐̕ỳ̶̛̦̤͖̫̳͋̿͂̇̈́́͂̚r̵̢̙̰͈̰̘͈̒̇̃̂̋̆͘͜͝u̸͙̳̩̍̀̀̓̏̇͘͠͠͝p̷̧̥͔͙̬͑̈́̒̇̔̋̅͝

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cₒᵣₙ ₛyᵣᵤₚ

ᶜᵒʳⁿ ˢʸʳᵘᵖ

ⓒⓞⓡⓝ ⓢⓨⓡⓤⓟ

ς๏гภ รץгยק

ƈσɾɳ ʂყɾυρ

ƈօʀռ ֆʏʀʊք

ፈᎧᏒᏁ ᏕᎩᏒᏬᎮ

ƈơཞŋ ʂყཞų℘

¢໐rຖ Şฯrนp

King Hippo

fuck, I wish we could banner this

Horatio Cornblower

Anyone else hungry for corn pancakes?

Brocky

Banner!

Unsurprised

Bud Light took that @SwiftonSecurity corn thread too seriously.

Brick Meathook

FIELD GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

This is going to penalty kicks isn’t it?

Ian Scott McCormick

I’ve texted three people that they should bench Goff, and all three have asked me the seemingly irrelevant “Who’s the backup” question.

Wakezilla

I think it’s Jim Everett

Game Time Decision

No it’s Chris Everett

King Hippo

they have maybe the worst backup in the League, 7th-round pick Sean Mannion

Ian Scott McCormick

Fuck it. Just go Wildcat.

herodotus450

Hekker?

Brocky

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tied at 3-3 two thirds through the game? This is the best World Series Game 7 ever!

Beerguyrob

Needs moar bat flips.

Horatio Cornblower

If this were the World Cup they’d write songs about this game. Really shitty songs. Probably by Maroon 5.

Gatoraids

Insurmantable tie

yeah right

Tie!

Gratliff

oh thank jesus

...

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.

herodotus450

Hightower bringing the full might of Oldtown with him on that sack.

Horatio Cornblower

Goff you dumb motherfucker

Trevor Semen

FUCK YOU GOFF YOU FUCKING GOD FUCK SHIT FUCK YOU THROW THE DAMN BALL

Doktor Zymm

A)Idiot you catch that ball
B) Lowest scoring SB to date is 21
C) who here took the over? LOL

yeah right

/ raises hand sheepishly

Doktor Zymm

Godspeed

yeah right

Motherfucker.

Ian Scott McCormick

BAH HAHAHAHAHA

Gratliff

lolpunt

WCS

Baby fucking Buster..

Gratliff

If that wasn’t representative of this whole fucking game

King Hippo

“Hold my beer” – pending 15 yard sack, then punt

Mr. Ayo

FUCK

Gratliff

man

Col. Duke LaCross

What kind of wizard are you?

King Hippo

nae pinball, that’s fo sho

King Hippo

BUSTER YOU LOUSY FLACCID PIECE OF SHIT

Doktor Zymm

Would a TD be UNSURMOUNTABLE?

Horatio Cornblower

You may as well wait for a unicorn to charge across the field as wait for a TD in this game.

Gatoraids

Hope this is disappointing to Brady as the last seasons of Dexter

King Hippo

I warned my kid when she started on Netflix, but she’s even MOAR completionist than me

Gratliff

I got halfway through the third season and stopped for no real reason, then the final season aired, and I never felt a need to continue

King Hippo

3 handoffs and FG. PLEASE. Just score.

...

Thinking about posting that Fisher picture every time the Rams punt

Unsurprised

that NFL 100 ad was cool.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bring back Craig Ironhead Heyward

...

He’s up in Heaven looking down on thiscomment image

Trevor Semen

This game is gonna end Rams 7-9 Pats

Mr. Ayo

FINALLY

Senor Weaselo

Buttshot!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, I’m gonna need more rum here.

Doktor Zymm

I got some baby Kraken for ya

nomonkeyfun

Calm down there Sandusky.

The Maestro

Oh man, my roommate once drank a whole bottle of Kraken when he was 19; woke up in the bed of his truck, puked into an empty hardhat, then rallied. Crazy stuff, that.

Gatoraids

Free Kupp

yeah right

Here we go.

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