Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Horatio Cornblower

Yes, let’s start sucking off the Patriots for using an MVP who got busted for PEDs to beat a team with a retard at QB. Well done. Well done indeed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

AMERICA!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

Still. STILL calling bullshit penalties.

Mr. Ayo

BLEE’ERGH pouring the salt in the wound. Well done assholes.

Spur

It’s been fun Folks. Till Next Year.

Ian Scott McCormick

Jared Goff sucks

The Maestro

I WILL DANCE ON ALL YOUR FUCKING GRAVES WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Always classy winners, those massholes.

clint greasewood

Enjoy your hambreders assholes.

Unsurprised

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Gratliff

The only positive, and I mean fucking ONLY, is that alllllll the Masshole bullshit is gonna be targeted directly at Yinzers now that they’ve tied the total SB wins

Horatio Cornblower

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nomonkeyfun

Great so its like Wall st bros and tech bros fighting each other

yeah right

Where did all these asshole fans come from?

Gratliff

2001

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What, you don’t think people who have the connections to get their hands on Super Bowl tickets also happen to be frontrunners?

Horatio Cornblower

Originally their mothers.

Senor Weaselo

The one good thing from this is that if Gostkowski hits this Madre Weaselo wins the 1st, 3rd, and final.

Horatio Cornblower

Harry Potter and Madre Weaselo’s Magic Box

Mr. Ayo

I’ve always said she has an amazing box.

The Maestro

GOT IT!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GODDAMNIT DOINK WHERE WERE YOU?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Game Time Decision

Please, block and return

Horatio Cornblower

Blocked FG, run back for a TD, go for 2 and we’re out of here.

Ian Scott McCormick

Oh. They’ve decided to win the game. Good choice

Recovery Whiskey

Slavic Squatkowski

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Shan’Khor, hear my prayer…

Wakezilla

lol. What a bullshit spot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

This has been a waste of an entire 4 months

Spur

Go for it. End the suffering.

Wakezilla

Go for it, Belicheck!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That was a very generous spot, even thought it came up short.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

That uh, t hat didn’t look short

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NOT what she said.

Wakezilla

I’m so happy that I wasn’t able to tune into the game until the 4th.

Horatio Cornblower

That is a very generous spot, which should be challenged, which will not matter because best case scenario is Gostkowski misses a FG and Goff gets the ball back.

yeah right

Short.

Mr. Ayo

*Doug Martin winces*

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That was four hours of feces

Wakezilla

Grey Cups are better

Horatio Cornblower

Two Girls One Cup is better

Mr. Ayo

The only constant is the P*ts winning, and also keeping it close for no reason at all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Recovery Whiskey

A lot of triggered Trumpers on that one

Horatio Cornblower

“Jesus if I wanted to be incredibly fucking bored for several hours by eleven dudes from Massachusetts I’d just sit in almost any comedy writers room”
@justin_halpern

scotchnaut

It’s like Goodell is daring me to change the channel.

...

The proof this game is pure shit is the fact we barely passed half of last year’s posts

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Might I submit this as a theme song for this Super Bowl? “Come, come, come nuclear bomb…”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHBZFSYA12A

Horatio Cornblower

“You saw a blank stare from McVay…”

Yeah. I’ve been watching the game.

Gratliff

Every fucking time I’ve seen him coach
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Spur

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...

Just end football. Let’s not bother with it anymore

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Maestro

Whaaaaaaaat the actual fuck. Moose, you post a lot of GIFs, but I’m horrified at this one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good.

Gratliff

Honestly can’t think of a less entertaining Super Bowl than this one. This is impressively shit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d argue it’s the worst one in NFL history.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This wealthy are happy.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

NBA Western Conference Playoff Chase is going to be nuts. Of these 12 teams, 6 have a legit shot to win it all.

1 Denver
2 Golden State
3 Oklahoma City
4 Portland
5 San Antonio
6 Houston
7 Utah
8 LA Clippers
9 Sacramento
10 LA Lakers
11 Minnesota
12 Dallas

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What? No they don’t. Warriors will win it casually, again.

Trevor Semen

*Have a legit shot to lose to the Warriors in 5 in the WCF

Spur

Denver, OKC and Utah arent scared of them. Plus injuries happen.

Horatio Cornblower

Just remember, this is hurting Stan Kroenke in the place where ordinary people have souls.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Trevor Semen

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Glad to see you’re alive. I was afraid you abandoned us for pussy and booze.

Gratliff

Wasn’t complete without a long run from a white dude

yeah right

Well shit.

Brocky

The adoration brady will receive for this utterly pedestrian performance is the perfect catalyst for why we hate him

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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