The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.
Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.
If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.
Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?
Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]
It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.
[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]
Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and
Via giphy.com
It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.
Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.
For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.
More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business. But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.
The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?
Via giphy.com
I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose, Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.
But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.
Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.
LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!
Man, I can’t wait for halftime! I’m gonna take a shower, and maybe take up knitting!
DOING IT
I hope the site has sufficient bandwidth
Thinking about posting ripped Mueller every time Edelman makes a catch.
The New Twilight Zone, we follow child safety laws
Why should Vietnamese children fear helicopters?
NICE! Deep cut here people, also a deep cut.
“GET TO DA CHOPPA!!”
Plus one Vic Morrow crash helmet.
will be 10-nil at half
I’m not a fan of rebooting Twilight Zone, on principle.
For the 4th time, you mean
I wasn’t a fan of it the first many times. Also if it’s not in black and white then Jordan Peele what are you even doing?
What every good artist eventually does: buying into his own bullshit.
Didn’t Black Mirror already do that?
Yep. A quality product too.
It’s fine with the number of boots it has now
cbs is off the air
Don’t get my fucking Hopes up
Great, my channel is out
I’ll tell you when the next punt happens.
It’s time for the Rams to put in Jared Gallant
Heh, remember that Bruce Willis commercial from the Saftey-Dance supber bowl a few years ago?
P*ts cheerleaders photo shoot.
I bet she could totally tell you what the first major battle of the Civil War was.
Captain Steve Grogan led the charge right?
“Camel toe”
“We were looking for Bull Run, but close enough”
“November 4, 2008”
Shove that flag deeper
I’d gleefully murder her and dispose of her body in a shallow grave, but there’s no way that hasn’t already happened.
That’s what happens when you don’t know which way the sun rises
“Say ‘East’ again, motherfucker!”
-Bill Parcells
Goff Goofy Gameplan
Hekker on the take, still.
Its official, bill belichik has a magical ability that makes opposing coaches and players inexplicably moronic while playing him
That usually happens to opponents of the Chiefs, but only in the regular season.
Not Eli! He’s already moronic.
Lol this is perfect
It’s the Fry Defense.
Bellicheck sent Payton’s tapes of his milf fucking adventures to ruin his perfect recall
Drew Brees died for this
Baby fucking Buster.
TAMMY SIGHTING!
BIg load of fail by goff
Wow.
Goff is dumber than Matt Ryan.
Throw it away you moron.
“Waaaaait for it”
JEEBUS WEPT
People to me: So what’s Twitter like?
Me:
It’s a constant battle of ‘I mostly agree with you, but I still want to stab you in the ear’
.
The only person I’ve ever known to attend a Super Bowl in person was a high school math teacher of mine and I never asked if it was actually an enjoyable experience.
“All the highlights for the first half…”
What will they do for the other 25 1/2 minutes?
more time for Maroon 5
This new Riley Reid video is… different.
Gurley got some stem cells and horse tranqs I guess.
RIP Gurley
Getting upset that I’m only 30 but already look like washed up Matt LeBlanc
if it makes you feel better he probably makes millions just sitting on his ass from the ‘Friends’ residuals.
Never noticed just how irritating the whole “commercial after we get back from commercial” thing is.
Siri, who the hell is Toni Harris?
A-Rod sighting, because fuck it why not?
Don’t forget – WWE Halftime Heat will be on YouTube.
https://link.wwe.com/view/59f3b6fd2ddf9c207d63b91e9gej4.lptm/e32d3a19
Will it feature pro-Saudi Arabian propaganda?
Those male cheerleaders are distracting the Rams players.
Penalty against the P*ts?
was a pretty blatant chokehold, and only cost a little yardage
Not an illegal block in the back?
ssshhhh
If Brady didn’t have the measles, he would have thrown that higher and dude would have been able to run with it for the first. #TEAM MEASLES
Eating a strawberry might help
Like cures like!
Why did my doctor have to schedule knee surgery for tomorrow. Now I can’t get drunk!
Holy shit he’s alive!
Yeah I’m 18 now and tore my ACL wrestling in December. Then I rehabbed for a month and tried to wrestle on it and tore up more shit in practice. This was going to be a good year too. At least I’m gonna get a shit fuck ton of pills tomorrow
I ripped up my ankle real bad a few years back and it was 6 months before it was fully right. No way a month is enough to rehab an ACL. Rest that shit good or it’ll bother you forever
I don’t know if you understand. I tore my ACL December 15th, didn’t get any surgery and instead tried to rehab enough to wrestle in my state tournament (I was ranked 2nd in the state when it happened). Without the ACL, my knee slipped out of place and I fucked up my meniscus really bad, and now I’m done wrestling and it’s all about getting my knee back to something close to what it was before I RGIII’d it.
but tomorrow? Prettay, prettay…prettay good!
I was gonna say, the next week is going to be worth it.
Doctor already calling out sick
Don’t worry, physical therapy will be a piece of…
Good luck!
Oh I spent a month doing that back when it was just an ACL tear. As you see in below comments, I did a very not smart thing and now I can’t even bend the damn thing.
I haven’t seen this many punts in an hour since I stopped watching the Kardashian sh…
Oh. Punts.
Never mind.
Ludacris>2chains>Chance the Rapper
YOU TAKE THAT BACK
You know, speaking of the fighting Bowlen half-sisters…maybe the League should shy away from the one who has Alzheimer’s on both sides of the family?
Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?
-The Bensons
I haven’t seen a blatant PI not get called since two weeks ago!
Saints kinda got fucked, so we’ll make it up to the P*ts. Sounds like NCAA enforcement.
These refs are on the take
Team found out Gurley voted for Trump
Gurley traded to Patriots in off season
“I supported his isolationist policies!”
just fuck this Owl
That was pass interference.
Hugging is not a foul
Should have been PI
UNNNFFFAIIiRR