Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Doktor Zymm

Man, I can’t wait for halftime! I’m gonna take a shower, and maybe take up knitting!

...

DOING IT
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King Hippo

I hope the site has sufficient bandwidth

...

Thinking about posting ripped Mueller every time Edelman makes a catch.

Spur

The New Twilight Zone, we follow child safety laws

nomonkeyfun

Why should Vietnamese children fear helicopters?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NICE! Deep cut here people, also a deep cut.

“GET TO DA CHOPPA!!”

yeah right

Plus one Vic Morrow crash helmet.

King Hippo

will be 10-nil at half

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

I’m not a fan of rebooting Twilight Zone, on principle.

Gratliff

For the 4th time, you mean

Senor Weaselo

I wasn’t a fan of it the first many times. Also if it’s not in black and white then Jordan Peele what are you even doing?

Gratliff

What every good artist eventually does: buying into his own bullshit.

Ian Scott McCormick

Didn’t Black Mirror already do that?

yeah right

Yep. A quality product too.

Doktor Zymm

It’s fine with the number of boots it has now

Brocky

cbs is off the air

Don’t get my fucking Hopes up

Ian Scott McCormick

Great, my channel is out

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll tell you when the next punt happens.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s time for the Rams to put in Jared Gallant

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Heh, remember that Bruce Willis commercial from the Saftey-Dance supber bowl a few years ago?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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P*ts cheerleaders photo shoot.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet she could totally tell you what the first major battle of the Civil War was.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Captain Steve Grogan led the charge right?

Horatio Cornblower

“Camel toe”

“We were looking for Bull Run, but close enough”

Gratliff

“November 4, 2008”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shove that flag deeper

Horatio Cornblower

I’d gleefully murder her and dispose of her body in a shallow grave, but there’s no way that hasn’t already happened.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s what happens when you don’t know which way the sun rises

herodotus450

“Say ‘East’ again, motherfucker!”
-Bill Parcells

Spur

Goff Goofy Gameplan

King Hippo

Hekker on the take, still.

Brocky

Its official, bill belichik has a magical ability that makes opposing coaches and players inexplicably moronic while playing him

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That usually happens to opponents of the Chiefs, but only in the regular season.

Ian Scott McCormick

Not Eli! He’s already moronic.

Brocky

Lol this is perfect

herodotus450

It’s the Fry Defense.

Gatoraids

Bellicheck sent Payton’s tapes of his milf fucking adventures to ruin his perfect recall

Gatoraids

Drew Brees died for this

WCS

Baby fucking Buster.

Trevor Semen

TAMMY SIGHTING!

Recovery Whiskey

BIg load of fail by goff

Horatio Cornblower

Wow.

Goff is dumber than Matt Ryan.

Mr. Ayo

Throw it away you moron.

Ian Scott McCormick

“Waaaaait for it”

King Hippo

JEEBUS WEPT

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People to me: So what’s Twitter like?

Me: comment image

Doktor Zymm

It’s a constant battle of ‘I mostly agree with you, but I still want to stab you in the ear’

...

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The only person I’ve ever known to attend a Super Bowl in person was a high school math teacher of mine and I never asked if it was actually an enjoyable experience.

Horatio Cornblower

“All the highlights for the first half…”

What will they do for the other 25 1/2 minutes?

Spur

more time for Maroon 5

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Maestro

This new Riley Reid video is… different.

King Hippo

Gurley got some stem cells and horse tranqs I guess.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

RIP Gurley

Mother Puncher

Getting upset that I’m only 30 but already look like washed up Matt LeBlanc

Horatio Cornblower

if it makes you feel better he probably makes millions just sitting on his ass from the ‘Friends’ residuals.

herodotus450

Never noticed just how irritating the whole “commercial after we get back from commercial” thing is.

clint greasewood

Siri, who the hell is Toni Harris?

Senor Weaselo

A-Rod sighting, because fuck it why not?

Beerguyrob

Don’t forget – WWE Halftime Heat will be on YouTube.

https://link.wwe.com/view/59f3b6fd2ddf9c207d63b91e9gej4.lptm/e32d3a19

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Will it feature pro-Saudi Arabian propaganda?

Spur

Those male cheerleaders are distracting the Rams players.

Mr. Ayo

Penalty against the P*ts?

King Hippo

was a pretty blatant chokehold, and only cost a little yardage

Senor Weaselo

Not an illegal block in the back?

Spur

ssshhhh

Doktor Zymm

If Brady didn’t have the measles, he would have thrown that higher and dude would have been able to run with it for the first. #TEAM MEASLES

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eating a strawberry might help

Doktor Zymm

Like cures like!

Trevor Semen

Why did my doctor have to schedule knee surgery for tomorrow. Now I can’t get drunk!

Senor Weaselo

Holy shit he’s alive!

Trevor Semen

Yeah I’m 18 now and tore my ACL wrestling in December. Then I rehabbed for a month and tried to wrestle on it and tore up more shit in practice. This was going to be a good year too. At least I’m gonna get a shit fuck ton of pills tomorrow

Doktor Zymm

I ripped up my ankle real bad a few years back and it was 6 months before it was fully right. No way a month is enough to rehab an ACL. Rest that shit good or it’ll bother you forever

Trevor Semen

I don’t know if you understand. I tore my ACL December 15th, didn’t get any surgery and instead tried to rehab enough to wrestle in my state tournament (I was ranked 2nd in the state when it happened). Without the ACL, my knee slipped out of place and I fucked up my meniscus really bad, and now I’m done wrestling and it’s all about getting my knee back to something close to what it was before I RGIII’d it.

King Hippo

but tomorrow? Prettay, prettay…prettay good!

Horatio Cornblower

I was gonna say, the next week is going to be worth it.

Gatoraids

Doctor already calling out sick

yeah right

Don’t worry, physical therapy will be a piece of…

Good luck!

Trevor Semen

Oh I spent a month doing that back when it was just an ACL tear. As you see in below comments, I did a very not smart thing and now I can’t even bend the damn thing.

Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t seen this many punts in an hour since I stopped watching the Kardashian sh…

Oh. Punts.

Never mind.

clint greasewood

Ludacris>2chains>Chance the Rapper

Trevor Semen

YOU TAKE THAT BACK

King Hippo

You know, speaking of the fighting Bowlen half-sisters…maybe the League should shy away from the one who has Alzheimer’s on both sides of the family?

Horatio Cornblower

Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?
-The Bensons

Senor Weaselo

I haven’t seen a blatant PI not get called since two weeks ago!

King Hippo

Saints kinda got fucked, so we’ll make it up to the P*ts. Sounds like NCAA enforcement.

The Maestro

BrettFavresColonoscopy

These refs are on the take

Spur

Team found out Gurley voted for Trump

Recovery Whiskey

Gurley traded to Patriots in off season

Mother Puncher

“I supported his isolationist policies!”

King Hippo

just fuck this Owl

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That was pass interference.

Gatoraids

Hugging is not a foul

Recovery Whiskey

Should have been PI

Recovery Whiskey

UNNNFFFAIIiRR

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