Welcome back to Temptation Island Talk!

This week, we saw the rest of the first bonfire, the couples went on their second dates, and we had a second bonfire.

Also, Javen is starting to grow up.

Before we get to the recap, let me refresh your memories as to what the couples look like.

Episode 3 Recap

This episode is titled “The Epiphany”. Was it originally supposed to air on January 6th?

Before I get into the episode proper, does the WWE show always end in the middle of something happening? I caught the tail end of the show and there was some argument and dudes were hitting each other and all of a sudden it’s fade to black and a beautiful sunset shows up and Temptation Island starts. That seems weird to me.

We start off, again, with the standard “Previously… on Temptation Island” and they show a bunch of clips from the last show.

We are back at the Ladies’ bonfire because last episode we only got to see Shari’s video and her overreaction. Wait, we’re still there and now Kaci is apologizing for Javen doing absolutely nothing and somewhere out there Ray Rice’s wife nods quietly.

Shari is babbling and I swear on Christy Canyon’s boobs that I have no idea what she is saying. Neither does Mark L as he literally says, “What did you see? Because I’m confused.”

I believe Mark L when he says that because he has a concerned look on his face that says he thinks partly that this girl is nuts and partly that his editing team is going to ask for a raise.

We move on and Kady elects to share her video with the group. They see John talking to a girl about Kady having a short fuse and that if they end up breaking up it’s going to suck for her because he owns the house.

Kady’s response? “Aaah, DICK!”

At this point, I’m not sure what Kady sees in John and why they’re together.

Nicole is next and they all see Karl taking Dumb Flight Attendant to his room and I wish I could bet on Temptation Island because, sure enough, just as I predicted last week, the hand on the shoulder is shown.

Nicole starts to complain about how she and Karl said they were going to play by the same rules and it doesn’t look like he is and Mark L smartly cuts her off and says, “You can do what you want!” After which I can only think of Nicole going around the villa like Cartman:

Let me just say that Mark L is the Devil On The Shoulder that this country needs.

Kaci is last and they show really innocent stuff of Evan talking about their relationship. She puts up a brave front and says that she’s glad he’s opening up until the stark realization hits her that she’s been a shrew by pressuring him into marriage and she may lose him.

Mark L tells them he appreciates them and sends them on their way. I’ve always thought it’s a weird thing to say to someone, “I appreciate you.” Meanwhile, the Boys arrive back at their villa and the Single Girls are either asleep or passed out drunk outside. Hey, I don’t blame them either way.

They talk in the kitchen and continue to have John’s back. Javen exemplifies the very definition of irony by expressing displeasure at how John’s girlfriend treats him.

John then dispenses some priceless wisdom as he tells Javen not to worry about what Shari may have seen in her video.

Back in the Girls’ villa, Kaci and Shari are crying. Kaci says she had an epiphany and I guess that’s where the show’s title came from. She realizes she has been stupid and an idiot and hates herself for giving Evan an ultimatum. She advises the audience to not do that. There is a clip of that on YouTube, but I’m not showing it to you because you may hate it so much you may decide to stop reading these recaps.

Date Draft Time!

It’s the next morning and it’s time to pick the dates for Date #2! This time, Mark L, considering last night’s events, does the picks in each of the villas without the significant others present.

We get the Girls’ picks first and Kaci picks Justin:

Kady picks Wynn, who can probably hook her up with some great Cuban sandwiches, pastries, and potato balls:

Shari picks Tyler:

And, finally, Nicole picks James:

Interestingly, we’ve got two repeats in James and Tyler, but they are going on dates with different women. I’m not quite clear on what the coupled girls’ dating strategy is. One thing that IS clear is the white single men can’t get no love. President Trump may declare a national emergency.

It’s now the Boys’ turn to pick dates

John picks Rachel:

Evan, after all the drama from the last episode, pulls a surprise and picks Morgan:

Javen picks Erica:

And finally, Karl picks Allie:

By my count, that leaves four single girls and six single boys that haven’t been selected for a date.

The second dates will begin immediately after selection.

The Girls and Single Boys are going horseback riding. As they are getting on their horses, Wynn’s horse gets an erection and the girls are all embarraxcited. You can see the drips from here. It’s too bad Wynn didn’t come up with a classic DFO-style dick joke right there.

Meanwhile, the Boys and Single Girls are going ziplining. Javen is slightly scared of going ziplining and soon starts reciting the Lord’s Prayer. I have a feeling poor Javen says that prayer a lot living with Shari.

Evan is working hard to prove to Morgan that he’s not an asshole. At least you have to give him credit for trying.

It seems the highlight of the day for the Single Girls was “John’s Package”. They say that in confessional and even raise a toast to it! I guess now we know why Kady is with John.

On the horsies, Dumb Nicole nearly scares the shit out of James when she screams loudly when the horse “tripped”. She is so stupid and poor James has now gone out with Shari and Nicole and probably wants to go home.

Kady is speaking with Wynn and tells him that he’s not the kind of guy she would typically go for. Wynn says, “Yeah, I know I’m black.” That’s not what really happens, but it’s all in the subtext, people!

John and Rachel find a nice ridge in which to talk some expository dialogue about their lives and what’s brought them here. Nothing really important except Rachel is cute and from Austin and John’s from Fort Worth and has a house and a package that everyone likes and can you see the dots connecting?

Evan has apparently made progress on Morgan, who now thinks he’s a righteous dude.

Justin does not like cheaters and tells that to Kaci, who has revealed to Justin that Evan cheated on her once. He tells her, smartly, “Sometimes it’s best to be alone.” Justin deserves a hard slap on the ass for that one.

Shari blah blah blahs and I can’t be bothered with her.

Erica, meanwhile, tells Javen that she’s glad he’s loosening up. Javen admits in confessional that he’s loosening up and starts speaking in third person and I have to say that I really like Loose Javen.

Meanwhile, at the Boys’ villa, the Single Girls not on the dates are bored and Jeffri decides that she wants to mess with Shy Javen. She gets multiple girls to leave lip prints on Javen’s bathroom mirror as she writes a sexy message.

Poor Tara has got gorgeous eyes but no cojones, which, in a literal sense, works for me. How she hasn’t been picked for a date is beyond me.

Wait, she’s from LA, right? I bet you she’s an actress. And if she’s an actress then I know EXACTLY why no one is picking her. Forget I said anything about why she hasn’t been picked. Remember kids, NEVER date an actress!

It’s the evening now and the Boys and Single Girls are returning to the villa from their dates. The rest of the Single Girls are all hoping that Morgan tore Evan a new one.

To their surprise, Morgan tells them that her opinion of Evan has completely turned around and he’s not the asshole they all thought he was. Score one for Evan.

Oh oh. Javen has seen the mirror! John notices that the lip prints come from 14 legs, 14 arms, 14 eyes, and then forgets about what’s most important: the 14 boobs.

At the Girls’ villa, the Single Boys that haven’t gone on dates are frustrated and are starting to show it. Then again, boys, be careful what you ask for! Just ask James.

The coupled girls decide they want to have a Talent Show and they must have read my mind because I thought that is totally something I would have the Single Ladies do. However, my idea of “Talent” and theirs is probably different.

Folks, Detective Javen has arrived at the Guys’ villa and is ON THE CASE! I love Detective Javen’s glasses, but not as much as I love Brittney’s nipples which are clearly visible through her t-shirt as she does not believe in bras because they can cloud up her aura.

She was saying something about being glad that Evan is not that bad of a guy but that maybe he’s not for her and maybe Karl is and I can’t really remember much other than her nipples seem at peace with the world.

Detective Javen will persecute the guilty parties to the fullest extent of the law and I don’t care if Detective Javen doesn’t know the difference between persecute and prosecute, I LOVE HIM!

Or maybe he does and that’s just another wonderful thing about him.

Wait, no. The latest wonderful thing about him is that he burps in confessional and apologizes. I’m glad the real Javen is coming out.

Whoa! It looks like Evan has a little crush on Morgan!

At the Girls’ villa, the Single Boys are breakdancing for the Talent Contest. The white Single Boys have noticed that the coupled girls like chocolate, so they are acting as black as they can given their melanin deficiency.

Dr. Johnnie is rapping and some other white dude is rapping and I’m pretty sure they got the black guys to feed them lyrics like all the contestants on Drop The Mic.

Jack smartly differentiates himself by reciting a poem and Nicole cries. No, seriously, I’m not joking, she literally CRIES.

Apparently, she doesn’t open up emotionally with Karl and she is now realizing that is a problem. Huh, I guess you can’t base a relationship on fucking your brains out? Literally, in her case.

Bonfire Time!

The coupled boys are being driven to the bonfire site for their second bonfire. Javen is growing up before our very eyes and I’m pretty proud of him.

Karl goes first and the team sees the poem and Nicole crying. Karl chooses his words wisely and says that he’s good. What he really means is that he’s realizing his girlfriend is an idiot that cries at stupid poems.

Javen sees Shari saying she wants to talk to him and her overreaction to the video she saw. What follows may be my favourite moment of the entire series so far:

Mark L: So, it seems like, at some level, she’s going through similar things that you are.

Javen: Yeah, but you don’t see me crying and saying shit like that as well!

I love Javen and the Boys do too as they all start cracking up.

Javen sees crying as a sign of weakness and I’m seriously hoping this means he’s getting out of Shari’s grip.

John goes next and they all see Kady asking Wynn about being a dad. No biggie. The first video stung John more because of John’s dad committing suicide.

Wait, didn’t he say in an earlier episode that the woman that the dad cheated on his mom with killed him? Maybe he was speaking metaphorically. Either way, it’s a fucked up thing.

In a solid example of bros before hos, Evan says in confessional that Kady is worthless for what she’s doing to John and I have to say I like this show of comradery. I do wonder, though, if Evan has the balls to say that to her face.

Evan and the boys see Kaci and Justin talking about cheating and this pisses Evan off because that shit was in the past and she keeps bringing it up. It’s like he’s never met a woman.

He does have a point, however. Either he’s been forgiven and all’s good or he hasn’t and they’re wasting their time. Either way, I agree it’s annoying that she brings it up on the island. It’s just one more way she’s fucking up this relationship.

John is curious to know what the girls have seen and that’s a perfect segue because it’s the end of the show and Mark L knows exactly when and how to set up a cliffhanger. We’ll all have to wait until next week to see what the girls saw.

***

Updated Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it after this episode:

• John and Kady: The Fucked and The Furious
• Nicole and Karl: 2 Fucked 2 Furious
• Shari and Javen: The Fucked and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
• Kaci and Evan: On the Road to Fuckedville

Now that Evan has redeemed himself in the eyes of the Single Girls, it’s GAME ON! The emergence of Loose Javen means to me that he may have a shot at happiness with someone other than Shari. The revelation that is John’s package means that he may now have options amongst the Single Girls. Karl has now realized his girlfriend is stupid, so he’ll be looking to find Nicole’s replacement soon.

On the girls’ side, Shari is crying. Kaci is also crying. Nicole is stupid. Kady is picking boys that she would never seriously date in real life. So, in essence, they are wasting their time on the island! We’ll see if things change in the next episode.

We know they’re about to change a little as a new single boy and a new single girl showed up on the Episode 4 preview:

Remember that I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Let me know what you think in the comments.

(20/69)